Saturday, May 31, 2008

Not a clever bunch, tall perhaps, but not clever.

At the end of the football season the champions of each conference meet in the Super Bowl to crown a champion. THE. SUPER. BOWL. CHAMPIONS.


At the end of the hockey season the two remaining teams meet in a seven game series to determine the winner of the Stanley Cup. The Stanley Cup Finals. THE. STANLEY. CUP. CHAMPIONS.


And in baseball the champion of the American League plays the National League champion and the winner is crowned The World Series Champion. THE. WORLD. SERIES. CHAMPIONS.


Which brings me to basketball.

I'm guessing you don't know what it's called when the best team from the west faces the best team from the east.











You don't know what it's you?

(I know you do...but the others that read this blog don't)

And do you want to know why most folks don't know what the last series of the year that determines the champion is called?

I'll tell you why.

Because it's LAME!

It's called THE FINALS.

The Finals.

Lame. The Finals.

That's the best they could come up with.

(Beat L.A.)

Friday, May 30, 2008

R.I.P Harvey Korman

He wanted rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Flat Tire

So on Memorial Day I was working and called up Wifey to see how her day was going.

She told me it was horrible....she was out at a store and got a flat tire.

I asked her if she changed the tire.

She said no....she'd call her Dad and he'd take care of it for her (she had already gotten a ride home...she left the car in the parking lot of The Store I Won't Shop At)

Now her Dad is in his 70s and really shouldn't be changing flat tires so I said:

"I'll do it after work."

You can hear the silence on the other end, can't ya?

But Wifey doesn't want to insult 'her man' by making him feel weak and stupid so she says:


So I get home, pick her up, and drive To The Store I Won't Shop At. I open the trunk and get out the jack and spare tire.

Wifey is looking at me with this don'tfuckitupdon'tfuckitupdon'tfuckitup look on her face.

(She uses that face often with me )

Did I mention I'm in my late 40s and have never changed a flat tire before? (I have people for that...usually Wifey's Dad)

And she's watching me as I take off the lug nuts. My muscles are bulging. Wind blowing through my hair. Sweat on the chest,small of the back. I jack up the car. She's watching. I remove the tire. She's watching. I put on the spare. She's watching. I tighten up lug nuts and lower jack. She's watching and she's impressed.

She watched Her Man change a tire and she was aroused.

In the parking lot of The Store I Won't Shop At.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I hope it didn't make my thighs look big.

So I'm getting ready to leave for work the other day and this is the conversation I had with Wifey (after she gave me the once over with her eyes)

WIFEY: "Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?"

ME: "I don't wear outfits....I'm wearing jeans and a shirt. And no, it's not the same outfit as yesterday."

Monday, May 26, 2008

Pork Chop Hill

So the other day I'm watching a movie named Pork Chop Hill about the Korean War. More specifically....about a hill named Pork Chop (because of it's shape)

Both the Koreans and Americans want said Pork Chop Hill. So they battle over it.

Pork Chop Hill.

Here is some of the dialogue from the movie PORK CHOP HILL:

-"We need Pork Chop"

-"I want Pork Chop"

-"We must defend Pork Chop"

-"We need supplies on Pork Chop"

-"We're taking lots of casualities on Pork Chop"

-I'm the commander of Pork Chop"

-"There is no need for Pork Chop"

-"Pork Chop will be ours."

-"We'll fight to the end for Pork Chop"

-"They want Pork Chop, also"

-"Just move fast up Pork Chop"

-"Why do we need Pork Chop?"

-"You will die on Pork Chop"

-"I will not die on Pork Chop"

-"We've suffered numerous casualities on Pork Chop"

-"We need ammo, water, and supplies on Pork Chop"

-"We MUST keep Pork Chop"

-We CAN'T lose Pork Chop"

-"Surrender Pork Chop!"

-"To die on Pork Chop"

-"Our orders are to defend Pork Chop"

-"There are 125 of us on Pork Chop"

-"There are 63 left of us on Pork Chop"

-"23 soldiers remain on Pork Chop"

-"Wouldn't you rather be home than on Pork Chop?"

-"Wouldn't you rather be with your loved ones than on Pork Chop?"

-"I can't just leave my buddy dead on Pork Chop!"

-"My buddy is dead on Pork Chop!"

-"They forgeotten about us all here on Pork Chop"

And on and on.

Now with dialogue like that (a few I paraphrased from memory) you think the movie isn't all that good.

But it is.

Now what you're probably thinking is that at this point I was craving pork chops. But I wasn't.

Wanna know why?

Because every time they said 'Pork Chop' I made myself hear 'Fried Chicken'

And now I'm craving fried chicken.

And some mashed potatoes.

And gravy.

And pork chops.


I would vacation in Korea if they had a place called Fried Chicken Hill

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Gone fishing.

I'll be back after Memorial Day.

Unless Ted Kennedy dies and then I'll be back sooner.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

How do you like dem apples, Ted?

Well, it seems like Ted Kennedy is on the verge of meeting Mary Jo Kopechne in heaven.

Oh wait, my mistake....

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Pompous bootmaker

Last night old daughter and I were flicking through the channels looking for something to watch when we stumbled upon a movie called Hobson's Choice.

We read the tv guide description and decided to pass on it.

Seems it's about a pompous bootmaker.

Damn pompous if i'd actually watch a movie about them.

What's next? Pompous landscapers? Pompous garbagemen?

We had a choice.

We chose not to watch the stupid film.

Pompous movie people.

Crazy Paul and Rory

Crazy Paul is a fellow retailer/friend (he has a store in Montreal)...he posts here once in a while and reads it most days.

He had a stroke a couple weeks ago and is on the mend. He'll probably come back more crazy.

And that's good.

Rory is another fellow retailer/friend (he has a store in San Francisco) and he reads the blog from time to time. I don't think he's ever commented on it.

He had surgery the other day. He fell into a coma. And now he's dead.

And that's bad.

Monday, May 19, 2008

A simple little quiz.

All you have to do is get the year that the following happened.

Answers will be at the end. Feel free to post your score.

A) What year did the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor?

B) What year did the Japanese bomb the World Trade Center?

C) What year did the Japanese bomb the back of John F. Kennedy's head?

D) What year did Charles Mansonyakasaki and his Japanese followers go on a killing rampage?

E) What year did the Japanese land on the moon?

F) What year did Adolf Hitleryamamoto kill himself?

G) What year did the Japanese Beatles break-up?

H) What year did the Japanese bomb John Lennon?

Now clearly I goofed on the questions, but you're know what the real questions are. So answer them without reasearching.

Just curious.














Sunday, May 18, 2008

John Kerry: Doctor of Laws

This is gonna be long and disjointed.

You've been warned.

So I'm at my daughter's graduation Saturday and the college presented John Kerry with some phony-baloney degree "Doctor of Laws".

And then he gave the commencement address.

First off I should correct myself....he's not ACTUALLY John Kerry. He's Kerry's Monster. Folks always think the Monster's name is Kerry, when in fact it's the name of the guy that built him from parts of rotting corpses.

Back to the commencement.

So the Monster is sitting on the stage before his speech and talking to the guy next to him and yawning, and tugging at his eyebrows and twitching and just being all Monstery and stuff.

And then he gets up to speak. He slowly walks to the podium. (I swear I heard shrieks of horror)

And his voice is all sore and raspy...and this is what he says:

"This is literally the first time today I opened my mouth."


I saw this douchebag speaking and opening his lying mouth a half hour before he began his speech. BUT HE SAID IT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME!.


Monsters are liars. Monsters are stupid. And this particular Monster lost to George W. Bush.

If you think the Kerry Monster is ugly on TV, you should see him in person. :::the willies::

Though to be fair I will say he had a certain charm and charisma. His speech was kinda fun, if not just full of Bush bashing and old recycled jokes ("Obama wears boxers and briefs, when someone asked John McCann what he wore he replied "depends."....humourous a little, but the same joke was used with Bob Dole years ago)

He also mentioned American Idol, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan and global warming.

And then at some point he was handed a note. He finished his speech and bolted out the side door.

Turns out he had to rush himself to Mass. General Hospital because his pal, Teddy Kennedy had some kinda seizure and now that he was a 'Doctor of Laws' he must have thought he could be of some help.

Or something.

So to sum up.

It's the Monster.

He's hideous.

He lies.

He has more charisma than one might think.

He operated on Ted Kennedy.

Friday, May 16, 2008

If you won the lottery....

First off, let me tell you about one of my rules.

Don't tell me about what you'll do with the money IF you win the lottery.

I don't care.

That being said, a guy comes in and tells me this story.

It seems he (Bob) and his pal (Dave) were sitting around discussing winning the huge lottery prize that's up for grabs.

And Bob tells Dave that if he wins the 100 million dollars that he'll give 1 million of it to Dave.

And Dave gets kinda mad that Bob is only going to give him 1 million out of his imaginary 100 million win.

And these two go back and forth and getting angry at each other over what Bob should give Dave (if of course, Bob wins)

My solution was for Dave to pretend that he was the winner instead of letting Bob pretend he was the winner.

Lottery Piltdown Men.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

It's what I do.

Very late last night I snuck into your bedroom and stood over your bed and just watched you sleep.

For maybe 15 minutes or so.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I'm gonna learn you something.

What I'm about to tell you is true.

I've known it for years and years and have rarely shared this tidbit of learn with anyone.

It's something you see almost everyday (at least every week) and you probably rarely give it any thought.

The beautiful part is that once I tell you, and you see it, you will always think of me. Years and years from now I'll pop in your brain.

Except for those of you that already know this.

Heck, you guys might think of me also.

So are you ready? Open up your brains and absorb this knowledge.

99.9% of all movie rain is fake rain. They have rain machines. That way they can control the whole shoot.

If a movie is 'on location' and it starts raining they stop shooting. Because of the rain.

So to sum up:
Movie rain is almost always fake rain.

Think of me.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Hillary's Downfall

Not for children. Or Hoagy.

Monday, May 12, 2008

John Kerry trolling for college chicks

So my oldest is graduating from college this week and the commencement speaker is none other than....John Kerry.

My pal, John Kerry.

The dumbest guy on earth.

The guy who LOST to Bush after we saw Bush's first term.

That guy.

And when I heard he was the speaker my first thought was disrupttheproceedingsdisrupttheproceedingsdisrupttheproceedings (when I think, I don't space my words)

So anyhow, Liberal Daughter had to make me PROMISE that I wouldn't 'disrupt the proceedings'

Do you have any idea how proud that makes me feel? That my daughter thinks I'd actually disrupt the dumbest guy on the planet when he tells a group of college students how they are about to go out into the world and be stupid like him?

Why would I possibly want to disrupt that?

It's going to be glorious.

(Though if I meet him him I might 'slip up' and call him Mr. President or Mr Heinz.)

Yet another blog about capri pants.

So yesterday we're sitting around the dinner table and somehow it comes up that I don't allow Wifey to wear Capri Pants.

You'd swear I just burned down the Warsaw Ghetto.

Oldest daughter who is just back from being indoctrinated into a LiberalRobot (she's back from college) couldn't BELIEVE that I would forbid (suggest) that Wifey not wear capri pants.


I failed to tell her that Wifey also forbids ME to wear capri pants.

So to sum up:

We're a capri-less family, well, except for Liberal College Teacher Kid who loves looking 10 pounds heavier and three inches shorter.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Manila Envelope Day !

Most folks think of it as Mother's Day.

But my Mom died a few years ago so now I just take the six or seven bucks I would have spent on her and go out and buy some manila envelopes.

Someday (if Al Gore gets his way) they'll do away with manila envelopes and I'll have to do something else special with the six or seven dollars.

Friday, May 09, 2008

The Declaration of Independence (King George a douche)

Ever read it?

Folks think it's this great document. And the beginning of it is.


It says stuff like:

>>>>We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness<<<<<<<<<<<

Good stuff, correct?

Now go do a google search and read the whole thing.

Or should I sum it up?

I should sum it that what you said?

Okay....about to sum up The Declaration of Independence. Possibly the most important document in US history (except maybe my unlimited texting plan with Verizon Wireless)

Here it comes. And I'm not making this up.

After all the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness crap it's basically a document saying what a total douchebag King George is.

Numerous bullet points:

- King George is a douche.

-King George is a douche for taxes.

-King George is a douche for cutting off trade.

-King George is a douche for waging war against us (

-King George is a douche for "quartering large bodies of troops against us" (boo-hoo-hoo)

-King George is a douche for not providing us with Trial By Jury (maybe you should quit breaking laws Mr. Colonist?)

-King George is a douche for 'plundering our seas' (admit it...that sounds kinda cool)

-King George is a douche for 'ravaging our coasts' (so does this)

-King George is a douche because he 'burnt our towns' (maybe not so cool...unless it was Roxbury or something)

And the document just goes on and on slammin' King George left and right.

Could they not say ANYTHING nice about the guy?

Even Hitler liked dogs. No mention of King George liking dogs.

Hitler>King George.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Is popcorn funny?

I've been married a very long time. Very, very long time.

Some of those years have even been happy years.

Those of you that know Wifey know that she rarely gives me the satisfaction of laughing at my antics.

She might laugh inside (doubtful) but not often. Though she will laugh if I cut myself, spill gravy on my leg, or otherwise hurt myself.

But standard humor fails in getting laughs from her. Or smiles.

(I think we all know why she's married to me)

Set-up complete:

So last night I'm eating popcorn and my little puppy is sitting on the floor just looking up at me with the saddest eyes you've ever seen in your life.

And I keep eating.

And she wells up with near tears wanting my popcorn.

And I keep eating.

And she looks so sad. Hungry. It's salted buttered popcorn and she wants some.

And I keep eating and shooting her a glance from time to time.

So very sad.

But I keep eating....enjoying every savory kernel of popped corn. Salt....butter....popcorn.

And my puppy just watches....incredibly sad. So hungry for my corn. Wanting, wanting, wanting....

So I look at her and say:

"It's POPcorn, not PUPcorn!"

And then I look at Wifey and the faintest trace of a smile is on her face.

And I know she adores me.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Dear Hillary,

Step away from the podium...

A Woman's Right To Vote

So last night while eating pizza, ice cream, and popcorn and flipping between the Celtics and The Red Sox I was reading the Constitution or Bill of Rights or something (it was the part with the amendment that gave woman the right to vote)

This happened around 1920 give or take.

And since that time:

-Hitler went from misunderstood artist to mass killer.

-Two atomic bombs were dropped on some asian country.

-A war with Korea.

-A war with Vietnam.

-No war with France.

-Kennedy, Kennedy, and Marty all shot dead.

-Ghandi won best picture over E.T.

-Highlander 2

-2003 ALCS.

-The Twin Towers fell. Or collapsed. Or something.

-and a bunch of other stuff women screwed up.

So to sum up:

Was giving women the right to vote REALLY such a good idea?


Tomorrow we tackle the Emancipation Proclamation

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Today I will solve the Homeless Problem (using the logic of the Hoag)

So the other day we're discussing homeless folks and folks that are hungry and stuff and the Hoag comes up with the solution:

Why don't they just check into the Four Seasons Hotel, get a nice comfy bed, order room service, problem solved.

But as I'm sure you notice there is a flaw to his logic.

Most homeless folks don't have money for nice swank hotels.

So the real problem ISN'T the homeless, it's the moneyless.

So the true solution for the moneyless is for them to sell their homes for a bunch of money, which of course will now make them homeless, but with oodles of cash to now stay and eat at the Four Seasons.

Problem solved.

And folks think us Republicans don't care.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

"You build me a card house" (in a southern accent)

Back when the Hoag and I were about 15 years old or so we used to hang around this youth center that catered to drug addicts, problem kids, and hippies.

We mostly went there to hang out, meet chicks, and just stay warm. And it was next to one of the finest bakeries in the world and across the street from a fantastic diner.

So anyhow, each day after skipping school we'd go on down there. The place was set up with wire spools for tables, funky mismatched carpeting, and usually about 40 or so teenagers hangin out.

::getting to the point::

And this one guy, I'll call him Billy, used to sit Indian style on the floor and make card houses. Lots and lots of card houses.

The more he did them, the more elaborate they became.

And each day the Hoag would destroy them.

He's kick 'em over. Swat them over. Somersault over them. Drop rolls of pennies on them. Turn fans on and blow them over. Every which way.

And almost everyday this happened. And each time Billy would say (in a quasi-southern accent) "YOU BUILD ME A CARD HOUSE!"

(practice to yourself saying it with the accent for the full effect)


And Hoag would laugh and then move on to something else.

Next Day.



And repeat.

This went on for months. All thru the winter and spring it became a game of sorts. Billy would try and finsish a card house before Hoag showed up and Hoag would try for a new elaborate way of destroying said card house.

And then one summer day it happened. We got down there and Billy wasn't there.

So Hoag decided to finally build him his card house. He used about 12 decks of cards and built this huge house of cards.

And Billy came out from where he was hiding, quietly snuck up on Hoag's card house, and gave it a mighty kick with his bare foot!

WHAM! Cards flew!

Billy screamed!

You see my friends....Hoag had built that card house around a cinderblock and a few bricks we had found out back.

And legend has it that Billy never picked up a deck of cards again....

Friday, May 02, 2008


Over the years me and the neighbor guy Dave across from my house have played practical jokes on each other.

But not recently.

So this moring I wake up, get out of bed, drag a comb across my head (whoops....Beatles digression)...anyhow, I wake up and look out the window and there scattered all around my front yard are soccer balls.

Lots and lots of soccer balls.

So I go downstairs and say to Wifey "Did you see the front yard?"

And she said "Yup...and I just texted Dave... NICE BALLS!"

I laughed. She laughed.

Then I told her it was Hoagy that left the soccer balls all over our lawn.

And now Dave thinks he has nice balls.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Porn Mule Womb Slaughter

Okay, today we're going to try something different. Or the same. Or something.

I'm gonna read an actual news story and just copy and paste in the highlights. At the end I'll leave a link and you can read the whole story.

But why bother? I'm giving you the good stuff.

1. pornography is a Jewish plot against women

2. "the genocide of the white race" that pornography is causing.

3. One man can now genocide the wombs of thousands of women

4. Porn mule womb slaughter

5. Tony Zirkle looks like the perfect candidate for Congress

6. an invitation to address a group of swastika-wearing, Sieg-Heiling Nazi party members

7. pornography is causing — an "unholy pornocaust" against white Christian women

8. We now have a small army of male black porn stars

9. Abraham Lincoln called for African-Americans to be deported back to Africa

10. I’m the father of three beautiful Jewish Christian children

11. I’m obviously not going to be out for gassing innocent Jews

12. most of the early porn stars were Jewish men

13. infecting them with sexually transmitted diseases that leave them barren,2933,353536,00.html

Do we really want Hillary in charge of The Button?