Friday, May 09, 2008

The Declaration of Independence (King George a douche)

Ever read it?

Folks think it's this great document. And the beginning of it is.


It says stuff like:

>>>>We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness<<<<<<<<<<<

Good stuff, correct?

Now go do a google search and read the whole thing.

Or should I sum it up?

I should sum it that what you said?

Okay....about to sum up The Declaration of Independence. Possibly the most important document in US history (except maybe my unlimited texting plan with Verizon Wireless)

Here it comes. And I'm not making this up.

After all the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness crap it's basically a document saying what a total douchebag King George is.

Numerous bullet points:

- King George is a douche.

-King George is a douche for taxes.

-King George is a douche for cutting off trade.

-King George is a douche for waging war against us (

-King George is a douche for "quartering large bodies of troops against us" (boo-hoo-hoo)

-King George is a douche for not providing us with Trial By Jury (maybe you should quit breaking laws Mr. Colonist?)

-King George is a douche for 'plundering our seas' (admit it...that sounds kinda cool)

-King George is a douche for 'ravaging our coasts' (so does this)

-King George is a douche because he 'burnt our towns' (maybe not so cool...unless it was Roxbury or something)

And the document just goes on and on slammin' King George left and right.

Could they not say ANYTHING nice about the guy?

Even Hitler liked dogs. No mention of King George liking dogs.

Hitler>King George.


Sparkle Plenty said...

What is a "dance card"?

cousin saul said...

King George was a snuff-sniffing,tea-taxing, powdered wid-wearing poofka.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

King George started the whole 'dance card' craze.

Whatta douche.

Sparkle Plenty said...

Should King George be:
deep fried?
southern fried?
skinless and baked with vegetables?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

King George should be deep-fried with a 'dance card'.....while wearing 'proper shoes', of course.

David'Z RantZ said...

It's official. I just fell in love with Sparkle. (And no, IANO, this does not mean that my cat now has to pack his bags and leave.)

("What is a 'dance card?'" and from another blog, yet... *sigh*)

Lois Lane said...

You know, not many people knew it, but King George was a terrific dancer.

Not as good as the F├╝hrer, of course, but still...

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Was his 'dance card' always filled?

David'Z RantZ said...

Women are better dancers than men, generally, because men have a lot of... er... stuff... in the pelvic region, which gets in the way when they move their legs around. It's a fact. Look it up somewhere. Hitler -- or "One-Ball Adolf," as his friends called him -- would have had slightly less "stuff" than King George, hence... a better dancer. Case closed.

By the way... King George really was a douche. So's ours.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

George Bush is the greatest president of the 21st century!

Look it up.

David'Z RantZ said...

Okay... umm... Good point... I mean... I can't argue with that...

(Oh, Lawsie, Lawsie, Lawsie, how do I tell him this... )

Anonymous said...


Don't even try. People who venerate George W. Bush simply won't be able to grasp the math behind your explanation.

-- Lamont "It's All Been Downhill Since LBJ" Cranston

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Dear lamont.

Name ONE who is better than George Bush in the 21st century.

Just one.

David'Z RantZ said...

"Name ONE who is better than George Bush in the 21st century."

And sorry Lamont, but you have to answer now, if you can. You can't wait until next January.

cake said...

::gets out a dance card, writes on it::

Lamont...David'Z...Cousin Saul...

::looks pointedly at IANO and SWAC, shuns them::

king george said...


sassy mcflirtypants said...

Personally I quite like being ravaged and plundered -- this King George doesn't sound like a bad guy at all.

David'Z RantZ said...

Woo-Hoo! I'm on Cake's dance card!

Save the last dance for me! I'll be taking you home.

Umm... that is.... bringing you home. To your husband. Who'll be patiently waiting. And who is probably bigger than I am, and definitely younger, and presumably in much better shape, so.... Yeah. Bringing you home. That's what I meant.



cake said...

To sum up:

David'Z isn't gay despite the fact that he owns a cat.

What? We already settled that?

Oh, never mind, then.

::goes off to burn a town, just for kicks::

cake said... "for kicks" another lovely but slightly archaic term I'm gonna get teased for?

Just warning you: tease me, get crossed off the dance card. And I've got proper dancing shoes bought and all!

Ya buncha blighters.

David'Z RantZ said...

I'll dance with almost any woman, but I actually prefer naughty girls who dance wearing improper shoes.

pollsters r us said...

Your retardation is showing!