Saturday, April 29, 2006

Period Underwear...The New Ipod.

We're about to be filthy rich.

I overhear this gaggle of broads* and they're discussing their 'period underwear'....period underwear are the oldest, grossest, torn & frayed, most terrible underwear a broad* owns and she wears them when she has her 'period' (some girl thing...down there) because she doesn't want to ruin her Victoria's Secret stuff by what happens 'down there'.

So how do we become filthy rich you ask?

We create and market something called Period Underwear and sell them! They would be good looking sexy underwear that broads* would love to wear while having their period...'down there'. Each broad* would probably buy 6 new pair every year or so...90,000,000 Period Underwear wearing broads* in the US alone....start countin' the cash.

I also think instead of some cute catchy name hiding what they really are, market them as Period Underwear.

I get 51% and whoever does all the work can have 49%.

And people think I'm stupid.

*the term broad is being used so I won't get kicked out of the Man Club for discussing Periods....and underwear.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Some Of The Perks of Joining The Republican Party.

1. Free new matching set of luggage every four years.

2. Free air travel in the continental US.

3. Knowledge that even though Bush is fairly lame he's still 6.7 times better than John Kerry and 5.8 times better than Al Gore.

4. No taxes.

5. The Christmas Party...WOW!

6. The Hillary Has Cankles t-shirt and matching running shorts.

7. The REAL ending to the DaVinci Code.

8. Easter card from Nancy Reagan with funny Ronnie stories.

9. Matted print of Abe Lincoln (Yes, Abe was a Republican...ya forgot that didn't ya???)

10. the Git-Mo blooper reel.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I Can't Believe How Lucky I Am.

No haikus, no numbered lists, no Adolf, just a true story that happened this morning that shook me up. I usually don't like to write personal stuff because people might figure out who I really ::cough:NicolasCage:cough:: am. But what the heck.

I'm backing out of the driveway this morning after carefully looking to see if any cars are coming when all of a sudden I see two women and a baby stroller about 9 inches from car! I screech on the brakes. I literally come this close ::thumb & index finger an inch apart: to hitting them. The look of horror on their faces.

I roll down my window to see if they're okay. Some small talk and nervous laughter and I drive away.

Can you imagine if I had driven over them, maybe even killed their baby? Can you imagine the time spent talking to the police or maybe at the hospital? I might have been late for work.

And I've gone almost 23 years without ever being late for work. Thank god I didn't crush their baby under my wheels. I hate being late.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

If Hitler Haiku was so much fun...imagine Beatles Haiku

Ol' Grandpappy used to say to me "Steven, quit calling me Grandpappy and do some more of those haiku, but this time do them like the Beatles wrote them."

I think I said Okey Dokey. I think I was then thrown out of the Man Club.

Long for yesterday
Love was such an easy game
To play yesterday

Came down upon head
Maxwell's silver hammer came
Bang bang she was dead

Band begins to play
In the town where I was born
Yellow Submarine

Eleanor Rigby
Picked rice in church where wedding
Was lonely people

Do not make it bad
nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Hey Jude be afraid

Because YOU Demanded it! Hitler Haiku

My ol' Grandpappy used to say to me "Steven, quit calling me Grandpappy and do some Hitler Haiku"

Let us take Europe
We are it's true brave people
Start with dumb Poland

Hey, Heinrich Himmler
Let us start a master race
Start killing the jews

Eva Braun is pretty
Sure hope she digs me also
Marry then we die

Russia is too cold
Should have invaded early
War is now way lost

Now it is your turn
Try and use his lame mustache
He thought it was cool

Monday, April 24, 2006

August 11, 2001


So is okay to start goofing on 8/11 or is it still too early?

Don't force me to take out the Abe Lincoln or Titanic files...


Saturday, April 22, 2006

Otter? Otter? I hardly know her.

TRUE STORY ( I lie 3% of the time):

So I'm taking my daily swim in the ocean when this adorable sea otter starts swimming along with me. She starts darting around me and under me and making all sorts of otter noises when all of a sudden she starts talking this weird broken english kinda like Yoda. She tells me to swim out to this bobbing buoy and like a mental case I don't question her.

So I'm pretty much out of breath by this time and I'm hanging on to the buoy just resting when she starts kissing me. Not just touching my face but full open mouth kinda human like tongue kissing. I'm freaked out for a a few seconds and then start kissing her back. She's amazing and probably the best kisser ever. This goes on for about twenty minutes or so and I'm wicked revved up. Then in her weird Yoda like voice she tells me to stop...she has something to tell me.

I brace myself. She tells me she's a man otter. Not only a man otter but she's (HE'S!!!!) gay!!! I'm totally freaking out! I'm clinging to a buoy in the middle of the ocean making out with a gay otter!!!

Finally I tell her (him):
"Listen, I don't makeout with no gay otters" and with that I swam off in search of a straight girl otter.

True story.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Pick the three funniest.

While I was doing my cure for cancer research I stumbled upon this site. Go to it and pick the four funniest ones.

(I know, I know, the title says pick the three'll want to pick four. Trust me. Even Cousin Paul and he hates penis)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

How to be a Douchebag (lesson #7)

1. Call guys Chief, Buddy, or Pal (though Dude is surprisingly okay)

2. Drive an El Camino

3. Match the color of your socks to the color of your shirt.

4. Stand in front of me at the post office and then buy 1 stamp. Douchebag.

5. Wear capri pants and then bitch about looking fat or short....cuz thats what it does. Douchebag.

6. Walk around with a toothpick hangin' out of your mouth like you're cool or something. You're not. You're a douchebag.

7. Make numbered lists because you're really not sure where to start or end paragraphs.

8. Root for the New York Yankees

9. Tell people that Timothy Dalton was the best James Bond.

10. Have a hand in the death of over 50,000,000 people, try to create a Master Race, and have a stupid mustache. Douchebag.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

He doesn't have burnt genitals...he's my brother.

Could someone please send a link of today's blog to my brother.

Thank you.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Reasons why or how this could have happened.

1. Mom plays in an over 30 soccer league and...well, sometimes stuff just happens by accident.

2. The baby was crying and needed to be kicked to death.

3. The baby was hungry and needed to be kicked to death.

4. The baby kept sticking her tongue out in that super cute fashion and needed to be kicked to death.

5. The Mom thought it was her other baby.

6. Mom didn't know that repeated kicks to the kidney would actually harm the baby.

7. Somehow President Bush is to blame.

8. Mom thought it was a squirrel, so who could blame her?

9. On the bright side the baby flew clean through the uprights and Mom's team won in overtime by 3 points.

10. Nothing for #10

Monday, April 17, 2006

But You Can't Pick Dick Cheney.

Ever play the Dead Pool?

Its very simple....pick 5 well known celebrities who you think will die in 2006. The first person to pick a winner wins the jackpot.


1. You can only pick one person over 65 years old.

2. You can't pick Dick Cheney.

3. You can't pick me.

1. Bonus points for a super tragic death (Princess Di, John Lennon...)

2. You lose points if you murder someone just to win the pool.

3. Seven extra points if the death is reported on "the top of the fold" in the Boston Globe.


1. Osama bin Laden

2. Micahel J. Fox (America weeps!)

3. Barry Bonds (America does not weep)

4. Jarrod (Subway guy)

5. K.C. (the Sunshine Band remains alive)

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Annual Easter Blog (one day early)

Like me you'll probably be at home this Easter Sunday thinking about all the starving children all around the world....and eating a honey-baked ham, mashed potatoes,hot biscuits, and stuff.

See you Monday.

Superman is a Retard

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Would you rather...
take a poll?
swim in a pool?
marry a Polish person?
crash your car into a pole?
tame a polecat?
drink pouilly- fuisse?
have the lead pole postion at the Indy 500?
die in a pool of your own vomit?
be my pal?
smack my Cousin Paul?
Free polls from

Let's dissect the picture and the headline.

1. I'm guessing she wasn't a virgin.

2. I'm also guessing she aint a good mom CUZ WHERE THE HECK IS THE BABY!!!???!!!

3. I'm guessing she may have starred in Hee-Haw.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It was bound to happen....Adolf invades Walt Disney World!

And he made a few changes...

1. Mein Street

2. Eva's Castle

3. The Hall of Fuhrer's

4. Churchill The Flying Elephant

5. (Master) Race Mountain

6. Country Bear Jewboree

7. Adolf's Grotto

8. The Haunted Berghoff

9. Heinrich Himmler's Pure Aryan MuppetVision 3-D

10. Honey, I Shrunk the French Audience

11. Journey into Imagination with Figment (Turns out Hitler just adores Figment)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Who Deserves A Swift Kick to the Groin?

This week's award goes to Gwyneth Paltrow. Couple years ago she has a baby girl and names it Apple. So this year to be an even bigger a-hole she names the new baby Moses.

Both babies will grow up to be totally well adusted.


And as always, the New York Yankees deserve a swift kick in the groin. Every one of them.

Who is on your kick list?

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Roadhouse Syndrome

What is the Roadhouse Syndrome you ask? Well, the Roadhouse Syndrome is what happens when you're flicking through the channels and you come to a movie that you just HAVE to watch. It doesn't matter if there is only five minutes left, doesn't matter if it just started, doesn't matter if you have to go to're gonna watch it. Every scene is delicious and you'll enjoy it no matter where you come in.

It doesn't mean the movie is any good (Roadhouse), there's just something about it that you like. Some movies you have to be in the mood for them...and some you have to watch the whole thing. Not Roadhouse Syndrome movies (Patrick Swayze plays a guy called Dalton and he happens to be a 'Legendary Bouncer' called in to clean up the infamaous Double Deuce bar...How stupid is that???)

Here are mine:

1. Roadhouse (Just wait until the bad guy Ben Gazzara shows up in the monster truck!)

2. Dirty Dancing (Nobody puts Baby in a corner!)

3. Jaws (See? Even great movies can be part of the Roadhouse Syndrome)

4. Planet of the Apes (almost a perfect movie...not a second of boredom)

5. It's a Wonderful Life (you can come into this anywhere and still dig it)

6. Blazing Saddles

7. Kelly's Heroes (Pretty bad war movie that just always sucks me in)

8. Blues Brothers (not even a nano second of dullness in this)

9. The Great Escape

10. Dr. No

11. And most prison movies.

What are yours? And don't get all high faluttin' and start listing Citizen Kane and Birth of a Nation and Ghandi and crap...

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Brand Name Products The Consumer Just Didn't Embrace.

1. Owens Corning Lingerie

2. Benson & Hedges Childrens Thermometer

3. Guillow Balsa Homes

4. Anything by Monsanto

5. Playboy for Kids

6. LEGO Twin Towers/Airplane Playset

7. Papermate Cotton Swabs

8. Popsicle Onion Pops

9. Milton Bradley's Nothing for #9

10. Little Tykes 'Shock and Awe' crib mobile.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Use your legs NOT your back!

1. Approach the Man and assume a stance about as wide as your own shoulders.

2. Wear fishnet stockings.

3. Your feet should point straight forward or turned out to a 20-25 degree angle at most.

4. Don't overpower him with perfume.

5. A reverse grip should be used when picking up a heavy man.

6. Twirl your hair a bit as you look deep into his eyes.

7. The entire spine should remain neutral, which means you look neither up nor down, but instead, the head follows the body, almost like you're wearing a cervical cast on your neck.

8. Get him drunk.

9. As you stand up while lifting the Man, imagine pushing the earth away from you with your feet.

10. Act real slutty.

11. Pork chops usually work also.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Celebrities Suspected of Being Straight.

1. William Shatner

2. Dave Lettermen

3. The guy who played the Skipper

4. Lenny Kravitz

5. Charlie Sheen (not so sure about Emilio)

6. Robert Duvall

7. Robert Duvall (he gets two mentions)

8. Clint Eastwood

9. Simon Cowell

10. James Caan

And I think it's about time they all just admitted it and made it easier for other straight celebrities.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Today's Horoscope

ARIES (March something-April something)
Your cancer treatment will take a turn for the worse. Later in week you'll find a lucky quarter. Money might be a problem or maybe not. By end of week cancer treatment will take an even worse turn.

TAURUS (April something-May something)
You will find an unlucky dime. Later in the week you will buy a Ford Taurus.

GEMINI (Probably June sometime)
You will find a lucky losing lottery ticket. Your hair will fall out from the chemo. Your lucky numbers are 1, 7 and 922.

CANCER (uh-oh)

LEO (July or August)
You will be torn to shreds by a lion...oh no was a tiger! You will find a lucky skin graft.

Virgo (Septemeber?)
You will die a virgin. You will be buried in lucky coffin.

Libra (October)
You will weigh is NOT a lucky scale.

Scorpio (October 23rd)
Everything good will happen to you forever. You will hang out with a guy named Hoagy.

Sagittarious (Nov-December )
Good time to travel...just not by plane ,train,bus,car,or boat. Your floating skills might come in handy. You don't have a lucky number.

and the other signs are just loser signs all pointing to death and poverty.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Monday, April 03, 2006

IaintnoOprah meet Get Fuzzy, Get Fuzzy meet IaintnoOprah

Thank you to Phil Donahue's Niece and :Ribbit: for sending this.

It's Opening Day!

I wonder if Hitler ever threw a curveball?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Today is traditional blogging day!

Went out for dinner last night with the Darling Mrs. Cousin and had fabulous steaks. Watched a bit of the Final Four basketball tournament (I think Florida beat the Nazi's), went to the movies afterwards (Basic Instinct 2...seventh worst movie ever)

Got home and went to bed. Made sure to wake up at 2am to change the clocks for daylight savings time.

Thought about suicide like all traditional bloggers do.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

These guys are ALL April Fools.

1. CAR DEALERS: These losers have cost themselves so much money over the years (just from me alone)...I end up keeping my cars way longer than normal just because they're such douchebags to deal with.

2. CELL PHONE PROVIDERS: Fast approaching car dealers in douchebaggery.

3. MATTRESS SALESMAN: It's a science. Losers.

4. JEWELRY STORES: Try and find one NOT having a sale...that should tell you all you need to know about these weasels.

5. AUTO MECHANICS: Don't you just love when they 'show' you whats wrong with your car? Just fix the freakin' thing that's broken and leave me the F alone. And the price is NEVER what the 'quote' was. Scum.

6. BOTTLED WATER: Whoever invented this should get the gold medal in skullduggery. IT'S WATER!!!

7. ALL YOU CAN EAT PANCAKE SPECIALS: 8000 pancakes cost maybe $ might possibly be able to eat 10. Pure golden profit. (Though I do love me some pancakes)

8. MOVIE THEATRE CONCESSIONS: I almost admire these tools for ripping us off and then trying to upgrade us to even more popcorn for only .50 cents more. I hope you die Mr. Concession Stand CrookMan.

9. TV GUIDE: They no longer do the one thing they did so well...provide TV LISTINGS. Actually they do provide listings from 8:00-10:59 (I'm not making that up)

10. And a whole bunch of other jerks I'll save for later....