Friday, August 31, 2007

The Friday Game

Here are your letters:


Bonus points if it's political.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

That US Senator that was in the news this week

I think he was from Idaho or Utah or one of those other un-important states.

To sum up his story:

He was sitting in a stall in a public bathroom and tapped his foot against the guy in the stall next to him as a way to 'flirt' or something. Some kinda signal for sex. It was a cop, he got arrested, pleaded guilty, and is now claiming he did nothing wrong blah blah blah. (If you need more info read up on it.)

The point of today's blog is not if he is or isn't gay. Or his morals. Or his party affliation. Blah Blah Blah..

The point is when the heck did a filth encrusted public toilet become a sexy spot? Never EVER in my life have I ever thought to pick up chicks in a public bathroom. It's very limited. It's dirty. It's noisy.

Though I suppose if I looked down and saw a size 6 red stilletto heel under the stall next to me I might be tempted to tap it with my foot. Or something.

And then I'd ask The Hoag where he got the size 6 red stilletto heels.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Being a good parent

Before you have kids you always wonder if you'll be a good parent.

And then you have kids and wonder:

::am i a good parent, am i a good parent, am i a good parent::

And you think this when they're babies.

And when they're toddlers

And when they get to school age

::am i a good parent, am i a good parent, am i a good parent::

And then they become teenagers.

::am i a good parent, am i a good parent, am i a good parent::

And then today your youngest starts her first day of senior year in high school and she's wearing a Christopher Walken t-shirt and you KNOW deep in your heart you've been a great parent.

You've taught them well.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Stop being clever. Please.

I'm am so sick of companies trying to be 'clever'.

Just tell me what it is and how much it ccosts. No small print. No gimmicks.

I just saw a Home Depot van sporting the large ad on the side that said: YOU CAN RENT ME HOURLY. ONLY $19.00 FOR 75 MINUTES.

Clever, huh?


If it just said '$19.00 per hour' I would understand. Now if I want to rent said van I have to read all the small print cuz they're 'clever'

Who the heck rents a van for a 75 minute hour anyhow?

The 75 minute hour might also explain why Wifey looks way older than me....

Monday, August 27, 2007

Because you demanded it!

The Beatles Game now has it's own's over there on the right. Click the link.

And now back to IANO:

I'm having a nice grilled Rib-Eye Steak on Saturday and I notice on a bottle of A-1 Sauce that it proclaims 'used in 9 out of 10 steakhouses'

Sounds reasonable.

But then I think about it. And then I do the math.

So they basically are saying that 900 out of 1000 steakhouses use A-1 Sauce.

Which then means that 100 out of 1000 steakhouses DON'T use A-1 sauce???!!! That's just crazy. What kinda retard steakhouse wouldn't have A-1 Sauce??

Are their steaks just so good that NOBODY ever asks for A-1??


Dear Retard SteakHouses,

Get some A-1.

Everybody on Planet Earth

Friday, August 24, 2007

Pretentious bloggers.

Don't ya just hate when some self-important blogger starts droning on about how he has 'writers block' and can't think of anything to write about so then he ends up writing about 'writers block' like anybody really gives a fuck what this ass has to say.

"Ohhh look at me how clever I am...I have writer's block yet I'm filling up space and building up word counts"

Nobody cares. Take a week off. A month. A year. Jerk.

Writer's block...yeah, right. Like that exists.

Hope you don't have 'writer's block' when it's pouring rain cuz you might 'hydroplane' into a brickwall or something.

Tsunamis, Bush, the Beatles, Food, Hoag,TV,Food, Wifey, Kids, the 1970s, Bill Murray, crocs, Goofy,Cankles,9/11, Twenty five tips for a flat belly, Regis, Hitler, Food,Hot chicks, Jews, Fried Dough The Red Sox,....'writers block'....bunch of losers.

There is plenty to write about. PA-LEN-TEE.

(I can't think of anything to write about today.)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Feces on the Toothbrush

So last week I'm talking to this close friend of mine and somehow the subject of toothbrushes comes up and she informs me that she doesn't put her toothbrush in the toothbrush holder....she puts it in a drawer.

She tells me how unsanitary it is to just leave a toothbrush out in the open because of all the feces that flys around in a bathroom.

I didn't argue. Just nodded and changed the subject.

Flying feces??? What the hell is SHE doing in her bathroom that makes the feces fly??? My feces don't fly. Your feces don't fly. But somehow HER feces flys (and apparently lands on her toothbrush.)

I guess if that happened to me I'd put my toothbrush in a drawer. Or a large feces proof safe. Or something.

Now just for the sake of discussion let's pretend that you're a flying the toothbrush really the place you want to land?

I'm guessing if I was a flying feces I'd land on a bar of soap and clean myself up. Afterall, it's buddy nite tonight.

(Have we ever done Imagine if the Beatles sang about feces...?)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

How the Viet Cong make my life better.

Sounds weird, huh?

What you are about to read is true. All of it. I swear on the life of one of my kids (but not the other one...just in case)

So how do the Viet Cong make my life better? First off who are the Viet Cong? In simple terms they were the 'bad guys' during the Vietnam War. If you need more information go buy a book. No...not Harry a book on the Viet Cong.

So anyhow:

Late at night I turn the lights off and sometimes watch TV and usually forget which is the channel button and which is the volume button.

This is where the Viet Cong come in.

You see, the volume button is on the left of the remote and the channel buttons are on the right.

Volume=Viet. Channel=Cong. Viet=Left. Cong =Right.

V=Volume AND Viet.
C=Channel and Cong.

See? It's a simple way of remembering. I'll be on the couch, in the dark, and I'll need to turn up the Volume....I say 'VIET CONG' and then I know the Volume is on the left. I say 'VIET CONG and then I know the channel button is on the right.

I'm just glad we weren't at war with the Volume Channels.

(sometimes i just think: 'the volume is on the left')

Monday, August 20, 2007

Worst marketing EVER!

So this morning I'm walking to the post office (I need to post something) and I walk by the costume shop (It's a shop that sells and rents costumes) and in the window was a sign that proclaimed:

'COSTUMES, $75.00 and under.'

Dumbest. Sign. Ever.

Most costume shops would find their lowest priced costume and then advertise it as: 'Costumes, $1.00 and up.'

By the way....the lowest priced costume was a Durwood Kirby for $5.95.

(I'm lying. I just wanted folks to google Durwood Kirby.)

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Is anybody really surprised? (vote for Rudy G.)

>>>>LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (Aug. 18) - A law passed this year allows Arkansans of any age - even infants - to marry if their parents agree, and the governor may have to call a special session to fix the mistake, lawmakers said Friday. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Friday, August 17, 2007

Help Wanted

So this morning I see a help wanted sign in the window of a Dunkin' Donuts and it says:

"Pour America's #1 coffee."

A few things came to mind.

1. Are donuts no longer part of the job qualifications?

2. If they don't hire you, should you just shoot yourself?'re not qualified to pour coffee.

3. Where does one learn how to pour coffee BEFORE they apply for said job?

The reasoning behind today's blog?

I was gonna goof on the three dead miners that tried to 'rescue' the six probably dead miners but thought it more fun to make fun of coffee pouring dolts.

I'm pretty sure at least ONE of the dead miners could pour coffee.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Homegrown terrorism

There is a report out today about 'Homegrown terrorists' and what they do and where they hang out.

Some of the places listed on where they might hang out:

Internet cafes

College campuses

Coffee shops

Pooka bars

'Where cab drivers hang out' (I'm not making that up)



Dear FBI,

Check the pooka bars first. Just a hunch.


And the mosques second.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Uncle Ryan


My name is Steve and I own a small store. I started it and have had it for 24 years.

So anyhow....yesterday this 'mom' was walking with her kid and stopped in front of my shop and proclaimed:

"This is your Uncle Ryan's store, he's had it for a long, long time."

I hope she gets the Bad Cancer.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Wacky Wednesday

So today is Tuesday and I need gas so I pull into the gas station (that's where people with cars get gas) and I notice a sign proclaiming that 'WEDNESDAY IS WACKY WEDNESDAY! 6 CENTS OFF PER GALLON'

But it's Tuesday and I fill up....13 gallons. I realize at that moment that had I waited until WACKY WEDNESDAY I would have saved .78 cents.

78 cents.

That's wacky? 78 cents is WACKY?

Rip Taylor is wacky. Michael Jackson is wacky. Tom Cruise is wacky.

78 cents? Wacky? I don't think so.

At the same station they have 6 cents off on Monday's....they call that MANIC MONDAY.....which of course is just wacky.



Monday, August 13, 2007

You'll see this bullet a mile away.

So we come home from a friends last night and Wifey goes into the 'family room' to turn on the TV while I go in the 'living room' to check emails and talk with my daughter (who is on computer).

Here is what you need to know:

1. The tuner on the TV in the 'family room' is a bit glitchy and you have to wiggle a cable in the back for a bit until the picture and sound comes on.

So anyhow I hear Wifey wigglin' the cable (sounds dirty , huh?) and I can hear this loud crackling static that usually happens until the cable is in the proper I say to my daughter:

ME: "I'll give it 20 seconds until she swears"

DAUGHTER: ::nods:: basically ignores me.

ME: "one, two, three...

TV IN FAMILY ROOM: ::KrackleStaticKrackleKrackle::

DAUGHTER:: :::mesmorized by computer::

ME: "four, five, six, seven, eight....:::"

TV IN FAMILY ROOM: :::KrackleStaticKrackleStatic::

ME: "nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen,::

DAUGHTER:: ::Mesmorized by computer::

ME: "fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen..."

TV IN FAMILY ROOM: ::KrackleStaticKrackleStatic::

ME: "Nineteen, twent..."


ME AND DAUGHTER:: ::laughter....looks at each other....stronger laughter.....LAUGHTER!!! MORE LAUGHTER!!!!"

TV IN FAMILY ROOM: ::the clear sound of perfect reception and volume::

Moral of the story?

Making fun of Wifey with a daughter is better than a trip to DisneyWorld.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Composite blogger

So this thick cankled croc n' capri wearing hot pregnant broad comes in selling me some stuff. She looks like a cross between Tiger Woods and Hillary Clinton. Smells perfumed like The Hoag.

So anyhow, she starts walking through my store singing Beatles songs and munching on crispy hexagons and offering them to her retard son when all of a sudden these 6 nearly dead filthy douchebag miners come in and start digging through my wares.

{and now you gentle reader can finish the rest of this story all composity bloggery like}

And then George Bush and Hitler did something great and all was well.

Thursday, August 09, 2007


In the news this week is the story of some miners trapped, possibly dead, in a mine somewhere in Utah.

After a day or two of praying, a group of people (probably women) showed up and spelled out the word HOPE using votive candles.

A couple of things:

1. They are stupid....the spelling out of words with candles usually does no good.

2. They will probably somehow be responsible for some votive miners in some other part of the world getting trapped in a votive mine while trying to replenish the ever diminishing votive supply.

It's kinda like the Butterfly Effect....everytime a votive candle flickers in Utah a miner in Finland dies.

Or something.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Home Run Queen

So Berrie Bonds finally breaks the most coveted record in all of sports.

So what does the douche say after breaking said record?

He says:

"I'll never forget this day."

Well, duh.

You stupid cheating fool. Did you think that maybe in like three weeks time all of a sudden you'd forget it? Did you think that we would think you'd forget it? What a jerk.

I'm now hoping you get The Alzheimers and forget.

(when I was like 12 years old I won a watermelon eating contest and I still remember it. And I didn't cheat.)

I hope I don't get The Alzheimers...cuz watermelon is worth remembering.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Yet another Mass Turnpike story

So the other day I pull up to the toll booth and I get one of the best looking of toll takers. Gorgeous cocoa colored skin, full collagen filled lips, cool looking hair, good figure, etc...

So she's making my change and exchanging small talk when I decide I need to tell her who she looks like.

(Why can't I just learn to keep my big mouth shut?)

She hands me my change and then I say:

ME: "Hey! You know who you look like?"

HER: ::smiles:: "No...who?"

ME: "You look like Tiger Woods!"

HER: ::smile leaves:: "Tiger is a man"

ME: " didn't mean it that way....I meant you look like him if he was a girl."

CARS BEHIND ME: ::honkhonkhonk::

ME: "Have a great day." ::drives off::

Point of the story?

I don't think Tiger is all that attractive as a man....but he makes a hot chick.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Gowns for all occasions.

A few minutes ago I was walking up the street from the post office and noticed a sign in the window of the neighborhhod florist.

It read:

'Now selling gowns for all occasions.'

And of course I thought to myself...heck, I'm going to the Red Sox game next week, I wonder what kinda gown I should wear?

And what about Buddy Nite? Should I wear a different one than Hoag wears? Should I try and match what the Blonde wears?

What kinda gown does one wear while doing yardwork?

And work...crap, do I need a different gown for each day or should I just have 6 of the same gown? Maybe with my name stiched on it?

It's tough being a guy with all of these gown decisions to make.

Friday, August 03, 2007

My new favorite news story

Especially the part where he kicks the cop (wouldn't he fall down?) :

NEW PORT RICHEY, Florida (Aug. 3) - A man with no arms and one leg who would not stop driving despite a long list of traffic violations was sentenced to five years in prison Friday on the latest charges.

Michael Francis Wiley, 40, also was sentenced to 15 years of drug offender probation. He pleaded no contest in June to a variety of felony driving and drug charges. "I'd just like to say I know what I did was wrong," Wiley said in court Friday. "I am truly sorry your honor. I am." Wiley taught himself to drive after losing both arms and a leg in an electrical accident when he was 13. He has already spent more than three years in prison for habitually driving without a license, kicking a state trooper and other charges. He once had a valid license, but it has now been suspended several times since 1985, according to his attorney. He starts the car with his toes, shifts with his knee and steers with the stump of his left arm. He turns on the lights with his teeth.

Why the Red Sox are better than the Yankees.

(Easiest blog I've ever had the pleasure to write)

1. Red Sox do not suck. Yankees do.

2. Yankees play in a 'House That Ruth Built"...The Red Sox play in a place built by men using steel and brick.

3. Red Sox have Mike Lowell. The Yankees have a guy named Whore-hey.

4. The Red Sox smell of victory. The Yankees smell of stank.

5. The Red Sox have a magic number of 47 (I think)....The Yankees smell of stank.

6. The Red Sox ownership is young and vibrant. The Yankees have a doddering old fool behind the curtain.

7. The Red Sox support the Jimmy Fund and hope to find the cure for cancer. The Yankees spike their stadium food with cancer causing hot doggyness.

8. The Red Sox love kittens. The Yankees love stank.

9. The Red Sox are 8 games up. The Yankees are 8 games back.

10. Nothing for #10.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

"Where is that confounded bridge?"

Some of my random thoughts on the bridge collapse in Minnesota.

1. Reporters are stupid. I actually heard them say the follwing:

"There will be some deaths and fatalities."

"The bridge collapsed one hour ago...two hours ago in Minnesota, as they are on Central Time."

2. It must be really important because Matt Lauer from the Today Show is there wearing blue jeans, an unbuttoned collar, and he has a five o'clock shadow.

3. They claim it's not terrorism, but don't you find it odd that on the 1st year anniversary of the TWIN Towers falling, a bridge falls in the TWIN Cities? Into the Mississippi....which has three sets of TWIN letters? That ain't just a coincidence.

4. All the networks have named the collapse. Here are some of them:

a) Mayhem on The Mississippi

b) Catastrophe on the River

c) Tragedy in the Twin Cities

d) Bridge on the River Cry (I just made that one up)

5. In the next week you will hear the word 'infrastructure' more than you'll hear the word 'the' fact, we should play a drinking game. Everytime you hear the word 'infrastructure' have a drink....

6) I'm already sick of the bald, blood splattered guy that looks like a wrestler. I wish he had died.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I'm not sure if this is important.

But I must share anyhow. It might be nothing. It might be THE thing.

I had a little plastic bag filled with Ritz Toasted Chips (cheddar flavor) and by accident I left said bag on top of my laptop computer while I pretended to do some work. Until snack time.

When the snack bell rang I went over to where I had left the Ritz Toasted Chips (cheddar flavor) and saw them sitting on my keyboard. And then I opened the bag. And pulled out a Ritz Toasted Chip (cheddar flavor) and popped it into my mouth.

And it was warm...borderline hot. And it was AWESOME! I invented a Toasted Toasted Chip. And it was awesome.

I did not invent it's awesome cheddar taste or it's Ritzy-ness.

Moral of the story?

Laptops are the new hot plates