Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Random Letter Sentence Game Session 3

You know the rules. Make a sentence using these letters as the first letter of each word. In order.

t a s l p m

Take a snake lunchin', python munchin'.

(I've got work to do)

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

My first baseball post.

I love baseball.

Lots of people love baseball. Lots of people hate baseball. Some folks say baseball is boring. It's because they don't understand it.

Some people love baseball and don't understand it....and that's fine.

When you understand baseball AND love it, that's the best of both worlds.

Now to me one of things I love about baseball is the numbers. The more you know and understand the numbers, the more you'll love baseball.

I'm gonna throw down some really basic baseball numbers and some of you will KNOW just what they mean and if you do the chances are you love baseball. If you don't know these numbers that doesn't mean you can't still love just means you don't love it as much. Learn these numbers. They will make your life better. Loving Red Sox baseball will make it even that much better.





.300 30 100

20 (twice)












See? Those numbers brought a smile to folks that know what they mean. They looked boring to folks that don't.

Learn the numbers.

And then of course there is always a simple name that will bring a smile to your face.

Dave Roberts.

See? You smiled....didn't ya?

Monday, February 26, 2007

I knew.

Yesterday I knew it was going to snow today.

All the weathermen said so. On TV. On the web. On the radio.

Customers coming into the store all said "snow tomorrow"

It wasn't a secret. Snow. In February. In New England.

So what did I do yesterday?

I washed my stupid car. The day before it snows. At around 6:00 last night. My car sat nice and clean in my garage for about 15 hours.

And then I backed out of said garage and had a filthy car.

Somehow I blame Al Gore. Or maybe John Kerry. Yeah, John Kerry.

I have a filthy car because of John Kerry.

No. Wait. I have a filthy car because of Hillary Clinton.

WOW! That makes me feel better already.

Stupid Hillary Clinton and her stupid dirty snow. I hate her and her giant thighs. And cankles. And filthy snow.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Al Gore and the Oscar-Roo.

Al Gore for those of you that don't know is a guy that ran for President of Florida and lost by a landslide.

Al Gore also has something to do with some documentary about global warming that is up for an Oscar and the folks in the know say he'll probably win it.

The biggest wish of my lifetime is that he wins and George Bush runs up on stage and accepts the Oscar.




That would truly be a glorious moment.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Back By Popular Demand

Because it's that time of year and you requested it I'm going to reprint last years


1. Oscar Madison (Best Friend of Felix Unger)

2. Oscar Wilde (Best Playwright of stuff I've never seen)

3. Oscar the Grouch (Best grouchy puppet thing that 'lives' in a trash can)

4. Oscar Gamble (Best 1970's ballplayer with a gigantic afro)

5. The Departed (best gangster movie without someone named Oscar in it)

6. Oscar Mayer (Best Weiner)

7. Oscar the dog from the Liberty Meadows comic strip (Best weiner weiner dog was just happy to be nominated...or scratched on the belly or something)

8. Oscar de La Renta (Best designer of clothes I would never wear)

9. Oscar de la Hoya (Best boxer)

10. Oscar Shindler (Best list maker)

11. Oscar Goldman (Best head of Bionics divison, OSI)

The saga of Joe Bubbler

(A bubbler is a water fountain thingy that one drinks from.)

So anyhow we're in a mall somewhere and Hoag is over looking at pink sweaters or something and I holler over to him:

"Hey Hoag....I can't get this stupid bubbler to work."

Hoag instantly morphs into what has become known as Joe Bubbler and saunters over to said bubbler.

"You idiot, let me do it"

The bubbler then proceeds to totally drench him in water.

Joe Bubbler.

(I was in the mall the day before and noticed the bubbler shooting out these monster streams of water and knew I could set the Hoag up.)

And that is the saga of Joe Bubbler.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Grains of sand on the beaches of the world

So as dumb as this sounds I finally decided to do an actual count of all the grains of sand on all the beaches of the world.

I got up to 178,982,976,872,120,954,8732,856,956,971,001 and then Hoag snuck up behind me and started counting out loud 7-8-9-10-11....and screwed me all up.

I'll start again in the summer.

(I made this up....I didn't really count that high)

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Cheese Danish

The Brits are pulling out of Iraq. The Yanks are adding more troops.

And I just found out there are 500 Danish troops in Iraq.

Blame Bush all you want....I'm blaming the Danish.

Danish Troops. I always figured that was a group of words never put together before. Danish Troops. Sounds like a stripper.

(Now I want a cheese danish)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

It's Greeting Card Day!

In a discussion with Cousin Saul he mentioned how stupid greeting cards are. A waste of money. If you want to say something to someone just say it.

I disagree.

I have a different take on greeting cards.

Just sign you name. Don't write a bunch of crap all over it. You bought the card because it said something you wanted it to say. Leave it alone.

If it didn't say what you wanted it to say why the heck did you buy it?

Next time if you can't find a card to convey your thoughts buy a blank card and then write the witty hallmarkian thing you want it to say.

I wish I could find cards about astronaut diapers, Hitler, and John Kerry's ugly face.

But I can' I'll just write that stuff down on blank note cards.

Nothing says 'I love you' more than a handwritten Hitler card.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

President Bush Day

Don't forget...Monday is President Bush day.

The whole country will be celebrating! Good food! Good wine! Children's games! Pie! Balloons!

Thank you President Bush for kickin' Iraqi ass, for keeping the economy buzzing along at a brisk pace, and clearing the brush at your ranch.

And thank you for keeping this country safe from more attacks that Bill Clinton didn't protect us from.

Friday, February 16, 2007


I'd just like to say I'm sorry to the gal I called a 'pussy'....It just slipped out.

It was a snowy icy day and there was no reason for you to venture out just to buy comic books.

Girls should never be called 'pussies' for being afraid to go out. Even though if they were men they would either:

A. Go out.


B. Stay in and be a pussy

Seeing how 'pussy' isn't the proper thing to call a girl, what should they be called?

Besides bitches, of course.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Frozen Astronaut Diapers

Don't you love sentences that have never been seen before?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Thoughts on Anna Nicole Smith

1. I wonder if she had on diapers at the time of her death.

2. I wonder if she knew what astronauts were.

3. Did she ever play with the Police? I'm pretty sure she was the original drummer.

4. If you spell Anna Nicole Smith backwards is says Death at Thirty Nine. Weird,huh?

5. Fifteen letters in Anna Nicole Smith...fourteen in Lincoln and Kennedy combined. Weird, huh?

6. Abe Lincoln died at the hands of a man named Booth...Anna died nowhere near a man named Booth. Weird, huh?

7. Kennedy died near a grassy knoll. Anna never lived long enough to see an actual grassy knoll.

8. What the hell is a grassy knoll anyhow? A small grassy hill?

9. Anna was in love with a man named Howard Stern. The radio Howard Stern called her a big fat pig. He also called Ted Kennedy a big fat pig. So did I.

10. I think OJ did it.

Like the title states...Thoughts on Anna Nicole Smith.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Police Reunion On The Grammy Awards

I'm so glad to see the Police back together. It was awesome to see Sting and the guitar player and the drummer back together.

We all missed the guitar player and the drummer.

Though now I miss the guitar player and drummer from Sting's solo career.

I know you won't believe this but when I close my eyes and listen to Sting singing solo it sounds just like when he's with the Police.

I can't wait to spend $200.00 to see Sting and the guitar player and drummer in concert.

I hope they do some Sting songs.

And Roxanne.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

If the Beatles were still writing songs when the story of the diaper wearing kidnapping astronaut story came out... are some of the songs they might have written:

1. Let it Pee

2. Here There and Everywhere

3. Love Me Poo

4. Sgt. Poopers Lonely Hearts Club Band

5. The Stool On The Hill

6. While My GirlParts Gently Weep

7. Why Don't We Do It In The Car

8. Happiness Is A Warm Grunt

9. I Saw Her Defecating There

10. Dungalow Bill

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A half a million miles with no diapers.

I've worked at the same place for almost 24 years. I drive 54 miles each day roundtrip.

That totals more than 1/2 million miles I've driven to work.


Driving to work.

So a couple weeks ago I was writing out directions to my house for someone and realized I didn't know what exit number I get off on.

A half a million miles and you'd think I'd know the exit number.

But I didn't.

On the bright side, unlike astronauts I don't need to wear diapers when travelling long distances.


Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Astronauts filled with poo.

There is a story in today's papers (internet) about some mental broad astronaut that attempted to kidnap another broad that dug her boyfriend or something.

Are ya with me so far?

So this crazed chick astronaut gets in car to go kidnap the other broad and she wants to get there fast so she puts on diapers so she doesn't have to stop to poop.

So whats crazier....kidnapping someone or wearing diapers on the way to kidnap someone?

In the story it mentions that astronauts wear diapers during takeoff and re-entry.

And that my friends takes away all the glamour of the space program for me.

Neil Armstrong with a load in his pants just doesn't inspire me to reach for the stars.

Though it does inspire me to reach for the sani-wipes.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Super Bowl

While you losers watched the Super Bowl I was tuned to the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.

Three hours of puppies playing. On a mock football field.

(Best commercial during the real Super Bowl was the Snickers kiss commercial)