Saturday, March 31, 2012

A nice rational post about Trayvon

I've been reading a lot about the black kid and the pinkish/brownish Jewish guy who shot him.

I'm trying to see both sides of this story.

I finally came across this on a Facebook post. (I changed the address)



So let's translate this:

The media is not to be trusted. African-American youth sometimes look suspicious because they dress in cultural garb. If you think you would like to argue with me in person feel free to come to my house. I have a gun and it is loaded with bullets. I might possibly shoot you in the head.


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Suggested Band Names

As you probably heard, me and The Hoag have formed a band.

I came up with BOO.

Cake thinks we should be called YOU SUCK.

If it's one of those names the fans will be chanting our name at every gig*

Hoag wants to call it RidingBikes.

Fans probably won't chant that.


* job, concert.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

My band

So last night on my way home I decided to start a band.

So I texted Hoag.

ME: "I'm starting a you want to be my singer?"

HOAG: "Yes."

ME: "Cool, I'll book some gigs."


(us folks in Rock N Roll call jobs 'gigs')

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Pretend the motorcycle is my car.

So last night Wifey and I go out to shop for a painting.

We find said painting.

Said painting is large.

Said painting doesn't fit in my back seat.

Said painting doesn't fit in my trunk.

I'm about solutions.

I tell Wifey to drive as I get in back seat.

Window down. Me facing the side of road holding said painting.

Said painting is just canvas and frame.

Said painting is not heavy.

Said painting flaps and goes airborne at around 25 miles an hour.

Wifey is amused as she goes about 28 miles an hour.

Cars behind us not amused.

Every so often Wifey has to pull over to the side of the road to let cars pass.

Did I mention it was cold out last night?

My hands are starting to cramp up.


I put gloves on.

Wifey is laughing at me. At the situation.

Heavy-footed Wildebeast likes to go fast.

Heavy-footed Wildebeast thinks it's funny when painting starts Orville-Wrighting down Lyman steeet.


Painting settles back down agaisnt car.

Hand cramping.

My neck kinda hurts from the odd angle I'm sitting.

I feel foolish.

The road we are on has more curves than Jayne Mansfield.

The painting keeps taking flight.

Somehow we make it home without me dropping the painting.

You thought for sure this was gonna end with me dropping the painting, din'tcha?

Saturday, March 24, 2012

NEW FEATURE: Ask Rodney King!

Dear Rodney,

How do I avoid trouble when I walk through white neighborhoods?

Thank you,


Dear Trayvon,

Always use caution when visting white neighborhoods. Try to blend in. Wear a hoodie so you don't stand out.

Best of luck,
Rodney King

Can't we all just get along?

Have a hoodsie today in honor of Trayvon.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Snippets from the last few days

WIFEY: "You make so much noise when you eat cereal!"

ME: "It's Capt. Crunch. It's supposed to be noisy."


Wifey was leaving the house. I went up to her to say goodbye. I proceeded to 'fist bump' her.

WIFEY: "I don't do that!"

We then proceeded to low-five each other.

I called up a restaurant for a reservation and I asked for the manager.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "Is Lonnie there?"

HOSTESS: "Let me check."

ME: "Okay."

:::a few moments later:::

HOSTESS: "What's your name?"

ME: "IANO" (I didn't really say IANO)

HOSTESS: "She is here if you have lemon cookies for her."

ME: "I like those shoes."

WIFEY: "Last year you hated them."

ME: "Last year you wore them with capris."

WIFEY: "Not capris, ankle Levis."

ME: "They look good with today's pants."

WIFEY: "Okee Dokee, Tommy Hilfiger."


OLD LADY AT RESTAURANT: "I'm a bit woozy after that drink."

ME: "You should go home and have another. Go crazy."



ME TEXTING HOAG: "I just had a cigarette."



WIFEY: "Why do you do that?"

ME: "Do what?"

WIFEY: "You hold your breath."

ME: "I don't hold my breath."

WIFEY: "You do! You inhale and then you hold it in. Then you make a loud noise as you exhale."


WIFEY TEXTING ME: "It's so nice out! I want a porch!"

ME TEXTING HER BACK: "I built one for you this morning."

Saturday, March 17, 2012

When I eat pepperoni I have vivid dreams.

Last night I had sausage.

Sausage makes me dream about The Monkees and baseball.

I was sitting in section #1 of Fenway Park. The worst section of any ballpark in the world.

Luckily I was sitting with Davy Jones, Peter Tork, and Micky Dolenz.

Micky was a bit cranky. The other two were nice.

Peter had on an ID bracelet.

It was engraved with one word in bold lettering.


And that my friends took all of 38 seconds to tell.

Jews are funny. Clowns are funny. Put them together?

Not so funny.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Conversation with my daughter

DAUGHTER: "You kmow...Grandpa is the best man in the world."

ME: :::eyebrow raised:::

DAUGHTER: "After you."

ME: "Nice save."

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Massage my penis and I enjoy it for a day. Teach me how to massage my penis and I enjoy it for a lifetime!

So I have a new crazy guy that comes in the shop.

Today he started spouting off on how TV is ruining people and society.

Then he said some weird bible verses.

Then he asked if he could massage my penis.

Here is the rest of the conversation:


MASSAGE PENIS GUY: "I said nothing for you to show such outrage."

ME: "Yes you did! You can't talk like that in my store!"

MASSAGE PENIS GUY: "I said it the proper way."


The Life of Brian

So I had a long time customer named Brian (I didn't actually 'have' him...he just shopped here)


So about 3 years ago he moved away.

He was in the area yesterday and he stopped by.

Here is the conversation:

BRIAN: "WOW! You haven't changed at all!"


So to sum up:

He was gone for around 3 years....did he think I'd have a beard down to my knees? I'd be fat and bald? Sixteen grandchildren?

(He was a bit fatter than I remembered)

Sunday, March 11, 2012

This might be my all time favorite blog post..

So I'm at a party last night and I notice Bill has a new iPhone.

We go over apps. He starts showing me his pix.

Lots of pictures from where he works.

Some animal thing. Not really sure exactly.

Anyhow...we come to this picture. A real picture. Not photoshopped.

It's a dog head. Bill has a reason to have a picture of a dog head on a table.

I don't.

Bill also mentioned that he has a picture of his arm up a horse vagina.

(I'll post that when I get it)

He also mentioned that sometimes he'll be on a business trip and a shipment of frozen dog heads will come in.

They thaw them out in the hotel bathtub.

Friday, March 09, 2012

I read this on Facebook so it must be true.

Women only like to be called one thing that begins with the letter B.

Them bitches LOVE being called beautiful!

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

I'm going to leave today's post untitled otherwise I'd have to put the word Asshole in it.

So a guy calls me the other day and asks if he can bring in some stuff to sell me.

I say sure. He brings it in.

Transaction complete.

Here is the conversation that followed.

HIM: "Well, it was good seeing you're still here."

ME: "Thanks...almost 29 years here."

HIM: "I haven't been in this store since Dan Levine worked here."

ME: "A Dan Levine never worked here."

HIM: "It was probably before your time."

ME: "Nope...I'm the owner, I know everybody that has ever worked here."

HIM: "You probably can't remember them all. No big deal."

ME: "Trust me, Dan Levine never worked here. Maybe you're thinking of another shop?"

HIM: "Nope, I used to come in all the time when Dan worked here."

ME: "Cool. Thanks for coming in. Tell Dan I said Hi."


So to sum up:
Dan Levine never worked here. I've never met a Dan Levine.

Sunday, March 04, 2012


WIFEY: "You're not obviously gay."

ME: "I know."

Friday, March 02, 2012