Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Doctor Ego

So years and years and years ago I 'fell in love' with this gal.

I'll call her Mary.

Couple of 'dates' and that was about it.

But she lived down the street and we went to school together so we always saw each other.

And then I met Wifey, fell in love with her, got married, and that's where I am today.

Somehow Wifey and Mary became best of friends, so even in adulthood I saw Mary all the time.

And I've always been nuts about her. She's funny, smart, pretty, and all those other things about gals that we like so much.

{stay with me now}

Over the years Wifey has known this and has never felt threatened or jealous.


Because Mary never ever ever EVER flirts with me or even plays my games.

But I continue to flirt with her. And not get any back.


Even when I propose we get together after Wifey passesBROKENBRAKELINEaway...Mary never says okay.

She just doesn't cross a line like that with me. She likes and respects Wifey too much.

(it could be possible that like Buddy Nite Blonde, she just don't dig me that way...though I doubt it)

She just keeps it to herself and keeps her friendship with Wifey and me intact.

{stay with me folks...I'm getting to the end}

So anyhow my ego can't take too many more decades of unreturned love (I just need something to hang on to)...so the other day I present Mary with a simple question:

ME: "So if most of the population was wiped out on Planet Earth and all that was left was me, your ex-husband, or a bag of snakes who would you pick to live with the rest of your life?"

MARY: "What kind of snakes?"

Monday, September 29, 2008

Backwoods man from Kentucky explaining the 700 billion dollar bailout plan.

a) You gots to skin a lot of beaver to huckleup that berrytree.

b) Shank it thick, slice it hard, that bacon is gonna fry for a while.

c) Momma once told me that cornstarch ain't no way to shoe a filly.

d) Papa once told me that a jerk of beef ain't no prom date....but it can still dance me a waltz.

e) Money is only as good as the fallen bark and the cooling dew.

f) Grandpapy once told me that ya can skin a coon once but never try and tie his whiskers south of Mason-Dixon.

g) Uncle Ted once told me that two bits ain't worth the pork jowls it can buy.

h) Auntie Bess once said: Hornswaggle that bobcat and he'll bite your arm, wrassle him hard and he'll scoot like a Jay.

i) Mr Kratchit up the road once told me: Pick your pine cones wisely you might need them for soup someday.

j) Bring me down home some shine and a boot and the lord of above will milk those cows.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

R.I.P. Paul Newman

OLD COOT (or a poem about John McCain)

A wisp of gray

Combed gently across

A flap of jowl

Loosely it hangs

Melanoma scars

Cranky and mean

Half hearted raise of the arm

Old coot, old coot chimes the bird


A hero

Married to Cindy

Face lifted

Odd looking gal

Though once hot

Old coot, old coot.

A maverick

The Sheriff

Old coot, old coot

Save this great nation

Beat back the Barack

10 houses?


Can you remember?

Old coot, old coot.

You must have to pee

Friday, September 26, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Toting Guns and stripping moose.

The following was on abcnews.com Thursday Sept. 25th.

//////ABC News' Teddy Davis Reports: Florida Democratic Congressman Alcee Hastings pointed to Sarah Palin on Wednesday to rally Jews to Obama.

"If Sarah Palin isn’t enough of a reason for you to get over whatever your problem is with Barack Obama, then you damn well had better pay attention," said Hastings. "Anybody toting guns and stripping moose don’t care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks. So, you just think this through."///////////////

US economy on the verge of collapse!

I submit to you, MY PLAN:

MY PLAN (Mein Planz)

6:30 pm--Shutter down business.

6:34 pm--Fuel stop. (check wiper blades)

6:40 pm--Travel west on Massachusetts Turnpike for approx. 19.4 miles.

6:40-7:04 pm--Wave to pretty girls on Massachusetts Turnpike, point to their tires as if they are low on air.

7:05-7:15pm--head north.

7:16pm--Contact Herr Hoag,give ten minute until arrival call.

7:26pm--Magazine swap,choose restaurant.

7:28pm--Make fun of Herr Hoag's shirt...possibly shoes.

7:36pm--Meet with Blonde at the 44 rendevous point.

7:38pm--Scrap resturant plans...go where Blonde decides.

7:40-11:00pm--Have steaks,pasta, salads, beer, wine, dessert,cigars, fix ecoonmic mess.

11:15-11:30pm (approx.) Arrive home, quietly come into house, trip over pile of urine soaked shoes.

11:31pm--Run comb through hair one hundred times, brush teeth, go to bed.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'll have the Gertrude Swirl please!

We finally have the perfect definition for BugFuck Crazy.

{{{{{{{{{VERMONT -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health. }}}}}}}}}}}}}

Banned in a suburb of Boston

There is a ritual in the morning at my house.

Wifey gets up, showers, makes lunches, and whatever else she does downstairs while I sleep.

But I try to get up around 15 minutes before she leaves, have coffee with her, watch some news, discuss what were gonna do at night etc.

But since oldest daughter has been back living at home it's turned into *Let's make fun of Wifey/Mum before she goes to work*

So this morning I see the pile of shoes.

I see Wifey going up towards said pile of shoes.

And I have to turn my face away from oldest daughter because if we make eye contact I'll burst out laughing and get in trouble.

Of course I deny I was laughing, or going to laugh, or that I was making fun of her.

She looks at me.

WIFEY: "I know what you two are doing every second. You can't fool me. You're banned from coming downstairs in the morning until I've left."

Wifey leaves for the day.

ME AND OLDEST: "hahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahah!!!"

ME: "We should maybe stop making fun of her."

OLDEST: "I didn't make fun of her. Does the dog have urine on her?"

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Yet another reason to vote for John McCain

In the news today is a story about a 77 year old Brazilian woman that was once John McCain's lover when he was in his twenties.

Here is a quote from her and a blurb from the story:

"""She declined requests for an interview Monday, but told Brazilian media last week that the young McCain was a romantic and a “good kisser.”""""

Now I don't know about you, but I want a good kisser in the White House.

And someone that is romantic.


Horrible kisser.

Happy Birthday, Stephen King!

Or something.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Observations from the Emmy Awards.

1) Howie Mandel=not funny

2) Did Christina Applegate lose weight? Her boobs look smaller. Or something.

3) The opening ten minutes were painful. Real, real painful. I was literally bleeding out of my eyes.

4) The Laugh-In bit...painful. I was literally bleeding out of my eyes.

5) Oprah=one big fat tub of goo. I was literally bleeding out of my eyes when she came on.

6) Steve Martin was kinda funny. I was literally laughing out of my eyes.

7) So was Don Rickles.

8) Mary Tyler Moore...you might want to wear sleeves.

9) Yes, yes we get it...Hollywood is liberal. SHUT THE FUCK UP! I was literally bleeding out of my eyes everytime someone made a political statement.

10)Ricky Gervais bit was way funny. Though the American OFFICE is funnier.

11) I'm literally bleeding out of my eyes right now.

12) Figuratively speaking, of course.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Marriott Hotel blown up in Pakistan !

GOP candidate Sen. John McCain called the attack "an outrageous act of violence."

Sen. Obama said something else.

The end of your rope....rock bottom.

We all know someone that has hit the lowest of lows.

The Horse Addict.

Joey Meth

Cancer Boy

Home Burns Down Man

Uncle Loses Another Job

Captain Stroke

Auntie Unwanted Pregnancy

Reposessed Rick

Cash Poor Charlie

Can't Find a Chick Carl

and on and on...

People usually have one defining rock bottom moment in their lives. Homeless, jobless, loveless, friendless.

It's horrible. It's sad.

Yesterday I got a call from Cousin Saul.

He was at his rockbottomey lowest point in his life.

His wife and daughter were away and he was left alone.

He called. And told me the news.

He was on Wikipedia reading about Larry Storch of F-Troop fame.

Pray for him.

Rock Bottom.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Today is the 7th anniversary (or when in doubt do a phoney-baloney 9/11 blog)

It's hard to believe that seven years have gone by since it was eight days past 9/11 and we got back to normal.

Remember watching that sitcom that made us laugh?

Red Sox games.

Football was back. Life was good.

Eight days.

Those eight days right after seemed like forever. It's amazing that we were comsumed with it for eight long days in September.

Eight days.

But eight days turned out to be just the right amount of time to capture Bin Laden and Saddam, prosecute them, execute them, rebuild that field, and get on with it.

Economy rebounded quickly after those hellish eight days of only going out to eat two or three times.

Remember how we had to postpone Buddy Nite for a week? THE HORROR!

Eight days. Eight days of bonding (talking) with family members.

Eight days.

Remember how we thought the new comic shipment might get delayed for an hour or two?

Remember how we overcame that? We read the previous weeks comics. Again.

The horror.

Eight days.

Remember putting American flags on our homes and cars?

How wonderful was it to finally rip those bastards off after the eight days went by?

Flags meant death and despair.

No flags meant booze and broads and buddy nites.

Eight days.

For eight long days the nation wasn't sure if George W. Bush was the right man to lead us in the 21st century.

Eight days later those doubts were gone.

Term limits? Who needs 'em! That's what we all said.

Eight days later.

Eight days.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Things that piss off John McCain. And one that doesn't .

CINDY McCAIN: "Hey Johnny...could you get me that platter that's in the cabinet over the fridge?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::


CHILD McCAIN: "Daddy...could you put the star on top of the Christmas tree now?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::


MAGIC JOHNSON: "High five , Mac!"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::


CINDY McCAIN: "Hey Johnny...could you come in here and help me clean these ceiling fans?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::


CINDY McCAIN: "Hey Johnny...could you please wash the skylights like I asked you?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::


THE BOSTON CELTICS: :::slam dunks basketball:::

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::


CINDY McCAIN: "Wanna go apple picking today?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::


PERSONAL TRAINER: "Okay Johnny...time for some pull ups!"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes::


CHILD McCAIN: "Daddy...can you scratch your belly?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::scratches belly...smiles.:::


Clue for the clueless:
John McCain spent 5 1/2 years in a POW camp getting totured and now can't raise his arms all the way up.

Which of course qualifies him to be President of the United States.


I hope I get tortured and become President.

Or something.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Yet another reason in the continuing series of why not to vote for Barry Obama

Did you know he wants to force every woman in America to have an abortion?



Well, I think it's absurd.

I think a woman has a right to choose that she doesn't want an abortion!

No goverment should force a woman to do something to her unborn baby like that.

It's crazy.

For example:

Let's say you get raped and get pregnant. What if the rapist was kinda cute and you want to have his baby?

Nobody should force you to abort, correct?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Barack Obama speaks with a retarded kid.


OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way we chew GUM! Yes we can!"


OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way we care for our GUMS! Yes we can!"


OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way our elderly are cared for and how they eat their food! Yes we can!"


OBAMA: "We must CHANGE our tax code so no child is left not wearing SHOES!" Yes we can!"


OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way our youth lusts after celebrity endorsed shoes and make them lust after an education! Yes we can!"


OBAMA: "We must CHANGE our country from one that IMPORTS shoes to one that EXPORTS shoes! Yes we can!"


OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way our youth looks up to gangs with guns and knifes! We must make them look up to their parents! Yes we can!"


OBAMA: "We must strike down poverty and hunger in the Sudan. Teach them to eat wiith forks and knifes! Yes we can!"


OBAMA'S SECURITY CHIEF: "Hey Barry...you have gum on your shoe...use this to scrap it off."

OBAMA: " No I CAN'T! I'll just CHANGE them!"


Yeah, yeah I know...you could see the punchline coming a mile away. I'll try and CHANGE that next time.

Monday, September 15, 2008

R.I.P. One of the founders of Pink Floyd

You died today (or yesterday,...I didn't really read much of the story)

I'm guessing you were pretty creative and talented.

I'm also sure you had a name. You were probably around 60 years old or so.

You probably will be missed by family and friends and fan.

I assume you left the band years ago and nobody has heard of you since.

Rest in Peace Nameless Rocker!

Flomax side effects

We all laugh at the side effects that drug companies warn us about when they advertise their products on TV.

Don't we?

It's almost a cliche to even goof on the side effects they mention.

'use of this product may cause diarrhea and swelling'

Or something.

Every joke, wisecrack, and guffah has been done about them. I promised myself I wouldn't do a blog about drug side effects. (or airline peanuts)

But then last night I see the commercial for Flomax. Flomax is something folks use for urination problems. (Not that I would know anything about urination problems. Except for my puppy's of course.)

But anyhow...

A few of the side effects include: 'possible runny nose and a possible decrease in semen'

Why do I have a feeling that if I take Flomax I'm gonna start ejaculating out of my nose?

(Please no large feet jokes)


PS: Should orally obsessed Flomax men now wear condoms on their noses?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Look at the picture from yesterday's post.

Don't you just love the idea that there are oil paintings of retarded kids looking all retarded?

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I might be Sarah Palin's OTHER retarded kid.

So last night I'm hooking up a new cable box/dvr thingy and when doing so I have to call the cable company to 'activate' the box.

And they need the serial number of said box.

The serial 'number' was all letters. Something like SAMFWPEVLR.

So I start reading off the serial 'number' to the gal on the phone (5'4", 110 pounds, c-cup, tight jeans, great smile)....anyhow...

So I start reading them off: "S-A-..."

GAL: "S as in Sam?"

ME: "Yes...S as in Sam, A as in Andrew, M as in Michael, F as in Frank, W as in William, P as in Peter, E as in Elephant,......"

:::this is where the downs syndrome set in:::

ME: "....V as in something that starts with the letter V, L as in something that starts with the letter L, and R as in something that starts with the letter R"


Life Goes On (The dvr box doesn't)

Friday, September 12, 2008

Dog Day Afternoon or The Dirty Dozen?

So last night was supposed to be Buddy Night but the Hoag had to cancel because of a private matter (possibly a sex change operation)

So anyhow....Ixnay on the Buddy ay Night.

And then 2:00 in the afternoon happened.

Hoag walks into my store with a few bags.

Bags filled with a dozen hot dogs.

A dirty dozen. From Dairy Joy.

These ain't just hot dogs my friends. These are $1.99 bundles of joy and Gulden's mustard.

They're not boiled weiners....they're grilled. The rolls are lightly buttered. And grilled.

And they're slightly overcooked.

Two men. Twelve dogs. One coke. One diet Pepsi. And a bag full of condiments.

I said condiments.

So we proceeded to eat beefy Frank and the boys.

We made it to number eleven.

One dog remained. One cold wrinkled dog left.

We knew what to do.

We took hiim outside and made a sacrifice to the Dumpster Gods.

And then we smoked a couple of cigars.

Did I mention I was working?

Life is good. Barack Obama? Not so much.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Two Joes

So last night the two Joes were in.

Here is the conversation:

THE OTHER JOE: "I like when you do the conversational blogs."

ME: "Are you making fun of me?"

JOE: "No...those are the best blogs."

ME: "You guys are making fun of me, aintcha?"

THE OTHER JOE: "Making fun of you would be if I said with a serious face that I like when you post youtube videos instead of a real post."

ME: "I do those when I'm busy and have nothing to say."

THE OTHER JOE: "The ones with you talking with Wifey are the best."

JOE: "Yeah."

ME: "Those are real conversations...she's quite dry."

BOTH JOES: "Very dry."

ME: "I don't mean she's dry...."

Happy 9/11 Mr. Laden !

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Large Hadron Collider

I had no idea what to write about today and someone suggested I write about the Large Hadron Collider.

For those of you that know me you know this is where my passion lies. Or is it lays? Or sits? Or something.


The Large Hadron Collider is a thing that collides with Hadrons and it is of course very large.

Some folks think the world will end when they turn that puppy on.

(How do you turn on a puppy anyhow? Fishnet stockings?)

So anyhow...

The collider thingy swirls around way fast trying to replicate the Big Bang using protons and puppies or something thus blowing up our planet.

I'm not sure why these folks want to blow up the planet (And all of it's Hadrons) but I'll give them 24 hours.

After 24 hours?

Well, I have a big September 11th party to plan...you know, an end of the world kinda party...

Hey! Wait a second!

Something is fishy.

Maybe the Large Hadron Collider thing is swirling fish!

For no particular reason.

I might have just saved the world.

Apples, cheddar cheese, crackers, bologna sandwich, hostess cupcake. (I'm out of fish and hadron sauce.)

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

More than 83%

I'm watching the news this morning and they're talking about some lady that got burned...the reporter (snicker) reports (snicker) that the woman got burned on MORE THAN 83% of her body.

Now that's a pretty precise measurement. 83%. Correct?

But then they go and add the MORE THAN.

More than 83%.

Why didn't they just give the actual percentage of her charred body?

Would 84% freak people out?

And how does one go about measuring burnt flesh anyhow?

Is it math?


More than 83% of reporters are idiots.

More than 83% of us wish they got burnt up.

On at least 99% of their bodies. Possibly more.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Snippets...or small little observations and conversations and stuff.


ME: "Are you in a better mood than the other night?"

WAITRESS: ::nods...waits on other table::

WIFEY: "Never bring up a woman's bitchiness even if they are now in a good mood. Ever."




"Ewwwww....you smell like meat!"


WIFEY: "Well...I'm gonna go up to bed now."

ME: "Come here and give me a kiss first."

WIFEY: "No....you smell like butter."


Two people were sitting next to us a restaurant the other night and one of them got up to use the restroom or something.

The other person proceeded to steal their french fries one by one, but the catch was that he only ate half of each fry and then put each of the half eaten fries back on the other person's plate.

I found that odd.


WIFEY: "We need to start seeing more of the world"

ME: :::nods:::

WIFEY: "We're not gonna live too much longer."

ME: :::doesn't nod:::


DAVID HASSLEHOFF TO A CONTESTANT ON AMERICA'S GOT TALENT: "I just have two words to say to you."

CONTESTANT: ::::eagerly awaiting the HOFF's two words:::

DAVID HASSLEHOFF: "Totally fantastic, Baby!"

ME TO WIFEY: "What a stupid show this is."


ME: "Tom Brady is out for the season!"

WIFEY: "Yup."

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Friday, September 05, 2008

What Owebama really says.

Democrats love Owebama. Love him.

He speaks so fine!

But what does he really say? Here is an actual speech that he gave.

Democrats only heard the words that were in CAPITAL LETTERS.


...so I ask you my fellow AMERICANS, to reach down deep between the cushions of you sofa and find some CHANGE so you and your FAMILY can eat some plain pasta for dinner because all of your WEALTH will be soaked up by my NEW tax plan!

I urge you to get all of the coins with JEFFERSON, LINCOLN, ROOSEVELT and WASHINGTON on them that are stuck down deep under the drivers seat and count up that CHANGE!

That CHANGE will get you one more night of LIFE after my barely researched and crazy tax plan gets unveiled!

My NEW economic plan should result in MILLIONS of NEW JOBS mostly as waiters where you will get less than a GOOD WAGE and you'll be scrambling for CHANGE just for gas to get HOME!

And I PROMISE that even though I said we'd be out of Iraq, there will actually be no CHANGE in that because I really haven't thought anything through!

So look through your HOME and look through jars and under beds and everywhere for some loose CHANGE to help you through these next bleak FOUR YEARS!

Look through all of your old purses for CHANGE!

CHANGE will get you through the tolls!

CHANGE will get you boiled rice!

CHANGE will get you powdered milk!

CHANGE will get you a lottery ticket!

CHANGE will get you a taxi ride down to the welfare office!

CHANGE will get you one more pack of smokes!

CHANGE will get you four pulls on the slot machine at LINCOLN park!

CHANGE will get you a copy of the NATIONAL Enquirer!

So go on outside and collect some bottles out of dumpster and CASH them in for CHANGE!

CHANGE. It's what us DEMOCRATS will soon be back LIVING on!


Thursday, September 04, 2008

Dining alone antics.

On my way home last night I stop at a restaurant and saunter up to the bar to eat.

By myself.

Here is how the conversation goes:

VICTIM: "Hi! What can I get for you tonight!?"

ME: "I'll just have the classic hamburger."

VICTIM: "How would you like that?"

ME: "Soon and delicious!"

VICTIM: "No...I mean how would you like that cooked?"

ME: "I really don't know...I don't know how to cook hamburgers."

VICTIM: "How do you normally get them?"

ME: "Quickly and delicious."

VICTIM: "Would you like that medium?"

ME: "How about large?"

VICTIM: "No...I mean do you want that cooked medium?"

ME: "I don't know what that means."

VICTIM: "Medium is not rare or over cooked...it's kinda in the middle."

ME: "I would like a hamburger soon, delicious, and in the middle. Or something."

VICTIM: "Am I on Candid Camera?"

ME: "How do you know what Candid Camera is....you look all of 30 years old?"

VICTIM: "I just know what it is.....am I on it?"

ME: "No."

VICTIM: "Are you just screwing with me?"

ME: "Maybe."

VICTIM: "You should never screw with us wait staff BEFORE you get your food."

ME: "When am I getting my food?"

VICTIM: "Soon."

ME: "And how will it be?"

VICTIM: "Delicious."

ME: "Thank you."


The food and saliva were awesome. And she got a great tip.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Two text messages, a conversation, and a small rant about John McCain


ME: "I miss you already."

YOUNGEST: "Same here :)"



ME: "So how is the weed and booze?"




WIFEY: "There is a stupid fly in here and IF you people would put the sugar spoon away it would go away."

ME: "Oh...that's just Tony. He was here yesterday also."

OLDEST DAUGHTER: ::laughter:: "You had a different name for him yesterday."

JOHN McCAIN: War Hero?

I think not.

Five years of getting tortured by Charlie doesn't make one a hero. It makes one a bad soldier for getting caught in the first place.

You don't get caught, you don't get tortured, you kill Charlie, you are a hero.

Or something.


Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The Outgoing Weekend Mail Bag

Dear Crest Toothpaste,

Just wanted to write and thank you for putting the words anti-cavity on your newest packaging.

For all these years I just assumed you were pro-cavity.



Dear Joe Biden,

Just wanted to write and thank you for changing your plans this weekend so you could 'monitor' Hurricane Gustav.

I watched TV also.



Dear George Bush,

Just wanted to thank you for learning from past mistakes. I thought it was cool how you had The Hurricane Gustav not directly hit New Orleans.

I was also glad you diminished it's power and it only came ashore as a CAT1.



Dear Wifey,

Just wanted to write you to let you know, that in hindsight, it's not actually a mountain of shoes you have in the front room.

It's just a very large and unsightly pile of shoes.



Dear Neighbor right across the street,

Just wanted to write to let you know how much I love when your dog barks at 4:30 am....it takes my mind off of the glare from your outside lights that shine in my eyes ALL FREAKIN' NIGHT!

When is the wine tasting party?



Monday, September 01, 2008

Rootin' Tootin' Putin

There is a great story on the news today about how the former president of Russia and current Prime Minister of Russia, Vladimir Putin, saved a tv crew from an escaped attacking tiger.


Seems the tiger escaped and was just about to eat the film crew.

Putin pulls out a tranquilzer gun, shoots said tiger with dart, tiger snoozes, film crew lives.

It's all good.

The greatest part of the story?

The greatest part of the story is that Putin walks around with a gun loaded with tranquilzer darts.

And he happens to run into escaped charging tiger hungry for Hollywood.

And he has a tranquilzer loaded gun. A LOADED TRANQUILZER GUN!!!

The Prime Minsiter of Russia.

Somehow there is more to the story.

Or something.


(special thanks to my pal Maddog for the term Rootin' Tootin' Putin. Without that term, today's post would have been named High-Falootin', Tiger Shootin' Putin!....hey, wait a second...that's better, correct? DAMN YOU MADDOG!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!)