Monday, July 30, 2012

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Have you ever heard a retarded guy sneeze?

It sounds just like a regular guy sneezing.

I was expecting more.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I will try to make some sense out of the Opening Ceremony at the Olympics.

Smokestacks come out of the ground while a bunch of Abe Lincolns smoke cigars and then they wheel in some kids on beds and the nurses tell them to be quiet (probably because the theme from the Exorcist is playing) then a gaggle of Mary Poppins-iz fly down and beat up monsters.

Bad actors roll up sod and then an inflatable house appears in the middle where 1960s pop is played while bad go-go dancing goes on.

The camera pans to a bored Queen (who earlier flew in with James Bond)

Then a chick loses her phone while bad pop music is played and then a guy finds her phone. This ushers in the digital age.

Something about health care, something about women's rights. Something about Mr. Bean and Chariots of Fire.

Then a bunch of athletes walk in (though very few swimmers).

The people from Bermuda wore Bermuda Shorts.

A Beatle sang a song at the end that had nothing to do with anything.


I didn't make any of this up.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Generic Dandruff Shampoo


That's what I use.

This morning I opened up a new one.

Generic store brand packaging.

Until I looked a little closer.

It told me it was 'Scalp-Tastic'

Guess what?

I'm having a great hair day.

The End.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

My thoughts are not with the families of the Aurora Dark Knight Massacre

They are mostly on that brown sugar cinnamon pop tart.

Sitting right there.


Friday, July 20, 2012

The Batman Shooting

You've probably read about by now.

Crazy loner shoots up a Colorado movie theatre killing 12 people.

So I've been reading the news about it.

I came across this gem:

'Police say the attack is not tied to terrorism and have thus far have provided no motive. Holmes' only known brush with authorities was a speeding ticket issued last October. Federal law enforcement sources told USA Today Holmes "was not on anybody's radar."  '


So let's break this down, shall we?

His only know brush with the law was a speeding ticket.

It is also stated that he 'was not on anybody's radar.'

Yet he got a speeding ticket??

I'm pretty sure he is gonna beat the speeding ticket rap.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Spider and the Smoke Detector

So last night around midnight the smoke detector goes off.

As per our pre-arranged fire plan nobody knew what to do.

I go wandering around the house looking for smoke.

No smoke. No fire. Just a blaring alarm.

Wifey informs me that it's probably a spider that set off the alarm.

So now I have to worry about fire breathing spiders!!!!


The screaming noise wouldn't stop so I went down to the basement and turned off the circuit breaker to the smoke alarms.

When I wake up in the morning Wifey left me a note:


I guess I also turned off the circuit breaker to the water heater.


What have we learned?

Spiders are tiny little dragons.

Circuit breaker for smoke alarms also turns off water heater.

Saturday, July 07, 2012

NEW FEATURE: The wit and wisdom of Fran.

Fran stops in my store every so often.

He's been stopping in for the past four decades.

I wish I wrote down everything he has said.

You will come to love Fran. (He looks like Keith Richards)


"I don't mind paying anything as long as it's the right price."


"If I was in Tommy Hearns corner he would have won that fight.

He had him on the ropes and all he needed to do was JAB JAB JAB, instead he went for the face and lost."


"Am I funnier than Peter?"

FRAN: "How much are these?"

ME: "$4.00 each."

FRAN: "What if I buy six of them?"

ME: "$3.50 each if you buy six or more."

FRAN: "What if I just buy one?"

ME: "$4.00."

FRAN: "$3.50 sounds better."


FRAN: "I got new teeth."

ME: "What happened to the old ones?"

FRAN: "They got punched out. I have a temper."


New old song to be played at my funeral.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Hot Dog Harry

So I'm at the movie theatre the other night and I was hungry.

I hadn't had dinner yet.

What screams DINNER! more than a movie theatre hot dog?

If you said "NOTHING." then you would be correct.

So I go to the food counter.

Here is the conversation:

HOT DOG HARRY: "May I help you?"

ME: "Yes, I'd like a hot dog!"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you mind waiting twenty minutes?"

ME: "Yes."

HOT DOG HARRY: "Does that mean you want the hot dog?"

ME: "What was the question you asked me?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you mind waiting twenty minutes for the hot dog?"

ME: "And how did I answer you?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "You said yes."

ME: "So where are we?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you want a hot dog?"

ME: "Yes, but I mind waiting twenty minutes for one."

HOT DOG HARRY: "So should I order one for you?"

ME: "No. I'll just have a medium popcorn."

HOT DOG HARRY: "For only $1.00 more you can have a large popcorn."

ME: "What did I just order?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "A medium popcorn."

ME: "Correct. Thank you."

Tuesday, July 03, 2012