Saturday, January 31, 2009

Dear Bruce Springsteen,

We all know you're playing halftime at the SuperBowl this Sunday.

And we all know that in between each of your songs you like to yap.

And yap some more.

And this year I'm sure you're dying to yap even more at your outrage at the lack of help that the Obama administration and FEMA is giving to the poor folks in Kentucky after the horrible storm that hit them this week. No power! No water! No help!

The Super Bowl is NOT the time or place for you to spout your anti-liberal views!

Shut up! Just sing. (and none of the Nebraska or Tom Joad crap)

Obama has only been in office two weeks...give him a chance!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Happy (Late) Birthday to my pal Clinky

(Idea swiped from Sparkle)


So there was this huge ice storm in Kentucky this week and millions are without power.

It's nice that Obama and FEMA were Johnny on the Spot and fixed it so quickly.

Oh wait,...they've done nothing.

Doesn't feel so good does it, you Liberal Scum? Does it? Huh? ANSWER ME!!!

I know, I's Bush's fault.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Screen Actors Guild Awards Show

So the other night me, Wifey, and Oldest are watching the Screen Actors Guild Awards.

(If you ever should live in my house you'll soon find out that you have to watch EVERY award show {except the Tony Awards...we ain't gay) and this past Sunday was no different)

And what happens when watching an awards show at my house is:

1. I make fun of everything.

2. Wifey points out the creepy people.

3. Daughter tells us to be quiet.

4. This past Sunday was no different.

So anyhow the night goes by when all of a sudden I noticed the eerie similar ugliness of Laura Dern and Kyra Sedgwick.

ME: "They should hang out together!"

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "And you should hang out with Ray Barone."

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Waitress

So the other night I'm out for dinner with Wifey and The Mistress.

We're sitting in the bar area of a restaurant when I spot a waitress I like and she is working in the dining room part.

So I smile and wave to her.

No big deal, correct?

A few minutes later the waitress comes over to where we are sitting and says:

HER: "I just want to thank you for making my night...I was having a terrible night and your wave and smile just cheered me right up! Thank you so much. You're very nice!"


So she leaves and I go back talking with Wifey and The Mistress.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "Wow! Nobody ever says anything nice like that to me!"

WIFEY: "That's because you're always a jerk."


Friday, January 23, 2009

Conversation with the Waiter

WAITER: "Do you have any questions about the menu?"

ME: "Yes....where did you get it printed?"


(sorry....that's all I've got today)

(Bush's fault)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

If my daughter has an African-American (Black) baby

I was talking to my oldest daughter last night and she said that she was discussing with her boyfriend what they should name their child if they were blessed with a black one.

They decided on ShhhhQuiet.

('s better tham Moesha!)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A new cell phone battery and an old retailer joke.

So the other day I needed a new cell phone battery so I went to the Verizon Store in the mall.

ME: " you have a cell phone battery for this?"

SCUM-SUCKING WEASEL: "Let me check....ummmm...yes we do. It's $40.00."

ME: "No thank you!"

So I walked down the mall and found another phone place:

ME: " you have a cell phone battery for this?"

DOLT: "They're $50.00 but we don't carry them."

ME: "If you don't carry them why don't you just not carry them at $3.00?"

DOLT: :::blank puzzle genius stare:::


So I walked down the mall some more and found another phone place:

ME: " you have a cell phone battery for this?"

TOM: "Yes we do...they are $40.00"

ME: "I'll give you $20.00 but first you have to swear on my child's life that it's brand new."

TOM: "$20 is fine and I SWEAR it's brand new."

ME: "You better not be fucking me."

TOM: "I swear."


So now we just sit and wait and find out if my kid dies before the battery.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Obama tasers Ted Kennedy!

Michelle Obama

Let's call a sturdy digging tool having a thick handle and a heavy, flat blade that can be pressed into the ground with the foot a sturdy digging tool having a thick handle and a heavy, flat blade that can be pressed into the ground with the foot.

Michelle Obama really isn't good looking.

In fact...she's borderline ugly.

More Historic Happenings..

After Barack was sworn in:

1. The first song played on my radio, at the shop, was The Rolling Stones 'You Can't Always Get What You Want.'

2. First items I sold after he became President was Godzilla DVD and a Mecha Godzilla DVD.

And one simple tear rolled down my cheek....

Historic Day

For a generation or two, people will tell their kids about it.

It will probably never be topped.


For it is... Historic Day.

And on Historic Day people will say the word Historic more than it's ever been said since the word was invented (1/28/1716)

And that of course was a very Historic Day.

Historic will trump 'Infrastructure' by 100 to 1.

Historic will trump 'Bush Sucks' by 400 to 1.

Historic will trump 'Hillary is a Rat Faced Whore' by 3 to 1.

Historic will trump 'Whatever' and 'Okay, just a minute' by 250-1 (Even by my kids)

Historic will trump 'Puzzle Genius' by 8000- 1 (even in Crawford, Texas)

Historic will be said so many times today that you will soon forget what it even means.

You will thinks it's spelled wrong.

You will even think it's a gibberish word.

Historic Historic Historic Historic Historic.

You will wonder why folks say 'An Historic Day' instead of 'A Historic Day'


Monday, January 19, 2009

In honor of MLKjr.

Obama paints a wall.

Borderline Puzzle Genius.

What Lincoln and Obama don't have in common:

I've been reading how Obama just loves the Abe Lincoln.

I thought I'd share an eerie list of things that in no way connect them.

1. Lincoln was elected in 1860...Obama in 2008. 148 years apart. {Can you say creepy?}

2. Lincoln had a child die while he was in office...neither of Obama's kids are in office. {Freaky!}

3. Lincoln was killed in Ford Theatre. Obama won't be. {Now I'm getting nervous!}

4. Lincoln's secretary was John. Obama's is not Abe. {ghost music}

5. Lincoln has seven letters in it, Obama five or six. {knees be knockin'!}

6. Lincoln's assassin, John Wilkes Booth, was born in 1839. Obama will die of natural causes that were born at the dawn of time. {EERIE!}

7. A staff member of Lincoln named Kennedy told Abe not to go to the theatre....a staff member of Obama named Clinton is a drop dead ugly whore. {I'm freakin' out!!}

8.Lincoln was President during the Civil War. Obama will be President during an uncivil war. Or two. {I'm spooked!}

9. Nothing for #9

10. Lincoln wore a top hat and had a beard. Obama plays basketball. {now I'm downright scared!}

Only one more day...

...until Obama's approval rating starts going down!

Which is crazy because tomorrow two wars end, the economy will be fixed, Gitmo gets closed, Earth starts cooling again.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Tom Cruise is dumber than the people that think George Bush is dumb.

>>>>SEOUL - Tom Cruise, who fails to assassinate Adolf Hitler in his new movie "Valkyrie," said he grew up really wanting to kill the Nazi leader.<<<<

The above was from a Reuters story today on


Dear Tom,

Hitler was dead when you were growing up! You wasted your youth!


Friday, January 16, 2009

The First Family likes the puzzles.

So I was reading this article and it mentions how the Bush family do puzzles together.

And when George W. finds a piece that fits, he yells out "Puzzle Genius!"

And for some reason I like that more than anything I've ever heard.

True story.

For another great George Bush story click the little link up top to the right. Read the whole thing.


The nipple trumps the milk

Last night was buddy nite with me and The Blonde (The Hoag was somewhere in a plane over the US)

We settled into one of our regular haunts.

Soon after I spot a few of my neighborhood gal friends.

So I walk over to their table, say hi, meet a few of their other friends and then back to my table.

And then I call over the bartender and tell him to deliver a nice glass of milk to their table (I have to be careful not to step in my own genius)

So he pours a small glass of milk and puts it on small tray and brings it over with style.

Lame joke, but it gets a smile and a wave.

So me and The Blonde continue with wine and dinner and no Hoag.

And then the bartender appears at my table with a small glass of something.

ME: "What's this?"

BARTENDER: "It's from the gals over at table 1."

ME: "What is it?"

BARTENDER: "This is a Slippery Nipple.... :::smiles:::: and I'm done doing this tonight!"

ME: "Nice."


Nipples Trump Milk


I now have the tune of The Farmer in the Dell stuck in my brain but with the lyric:

The Nipple Trumps The Milk, The Nipple Trumps The Milk, Hi-Ho The Dairy-O The Nipple Trumps the Milk...

Thank you to my buddy JH and the movie Roxanne for the paraphrased line :

"I have to be careful not to step in my own genius."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Watching American Idol with Wifey

So last night we're watching the Idol and I got up and moved over near her spot on the couch.

WIFEY: "Get away from me."

ME: "But I'm gonna sing to you."

WIFEY: "Get away from me."

ME: "But this is the only time ever I've ever ever wanted to sing....don't blow your chance."

WIFEY: "Get away from me."

ME: "I'm gonna sing Bennie and the Jets...."

WIFEY: "Get away from me."



I ain't going to Hollywood.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

BREAKING MONKEY NEWS from The Associated Press.

>>CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.
Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous.<<


(I love that a crazed feces throwing monkey is not condsidered dangerous)

The Best Lie Ever.

I guess they have some contest or something where you tell a lie and the best lie wins.

Had I entered my lie I would have won.

I told this to my kids a few years ago (all you need to know is that I own a minature long haired daschund that is tiny...and she has bad legs and a bad back)


ME: "OH MY GOD!! You should have seen what the puppy did this morning!"

KIDS: "What!?"

ME: "Somehow she got up on the counter, took two pieces of bread out, popped them in the toaster....and then buttered both of them! was amazing! She must have watched us all these years and figured out how to do it."

KIDS: "That's so cool!"

ME: "I know!...don't tell your mother she was on the counter"

KIDS: "Okay!"

ME: "Thanks."

KIDS: "Did the puppy really do that?"

ME: "You gals aren't too bright, are you?"


So tell me a lie...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Joy in Mudville

So yesterday around 2:00 I hear the news about Jim Rice being elected to the baseball Hall of Fame.

I instantly shoot off an email to Wifey because I know she'll be excited and because I know she knows that Big Jim was (and is) my all time favorite player. Ever:


WIFEY: "I heard"

ME: "We'll celebrate it tonight!"


So after a day of giddy excitement I finally get home and I spot my oldest daughter in the living room:

ME: "Hey...great news about Jim Rice, huh?"

OLDEST: "Who is Jim Rice?"

ME: "My all-time favorite Red Sox player and he just got elected to the Hall of Fame!"

OLDEST: ::crickets::


And then I spot Wifey.

I put my arms around her waist and just hold her for a second.

ME: "Did you tear up when you heard the news?"

WIFEY: "What news?"

ME: "About Jim Rice getting elected to the Hall of Fame on his final try!"

WIFEY: "No."


And then the celebration began!

I ate dinner alone on my special Jim Rice Got Elected To The Hall Of Fame Chair.

Dinner consisted of what we now call The Jim Ed Rice Special: Ham and eggs and a bagel, milk and orange juice. (Denny's would call it the Hall Of Fame Slam)

And the celebration continued:

On over to the couch where me and Wifey watched three or four sitcoms in honor of Jim Rice being elected to The Hall of Fame!

Obviously Wifey was exhausted from the celebration and went on up to bed. I stayed downstairs alone and partied like it was 1999!

Or something.


It was now past midnight. No more party noise from the neighborhood.

So I went up to bed.

And in my celebration haze I must have woke up Wifey from a bad dream where Jim Rice DIDN'T get elected to the Hall of Fame....cuz she sounded kinda mad.


Jim Rice, Hall of Famer.

Monday, January 12, 2009

PETA would never call him a sea kitten. EVER!

Gone Sea Kittenin' ! Will return soon.

I'm lying.

I was just dying to say that I've gone sea kittening*.

So I'm actually here.

Not sea kittening.

So in fact the sign on my shoppe door should read:

Here. Not Sea Kittening.

*see Sunday's blog on PETA and Sea Kittens.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Do most of us agree that PETA is nuts?

We all love animals, correct?

None of us wants to torture animals, correct?

In theory, PETA tries to do good, correct?

But they're insane, correct?

The latest Mary Todd-y thing they've done is protest people eating fish.


They think it's cruel to eat them. (maybe it is)

But PETA is so smart they've come up with a plan to get us NOT to even want to eat fish.

PETA thinks we should change the name of FISH to SEA KITTENS.

I'm not making that up.


Their crack-potted minds think that if fish are named sea kittens we won't want to eat them.

(we will)

I sure hope this doesn't screw up my plans to buy some fish scale boots or a new gill jacket. I'll be the Dandy of the Dandies.

It also better not screw up my lunch plans of Sea Kittens and Chips.


For more info please check out the following website.


Saturday, January 10, 2009

The problem with pottery

So I've officially run out of ideas for this here blog and a friend of mine suggested I do one on pottery.

Now as most of you know, Pottery is my middle name.

So this should be easy.

The problem with pottery is that sometimes someone is just handed a bad deal...they lose their job.

Or get hurt.

Or get hooked on the horse and BANG!... the next thing you know they're swimming in pottery.

And that's sad.

But most of the time people are drowning in pottery because they're just too damn lazy to get a real job and they spend all their time and energy bakin' and spinnin' and makin' love to the potter's wheel.

Or something.

But pottery is almost a thing of the past because pretty soon Obama is gonna come a ridin' into town and clean up this whole wonderful place we call America.

And pottery will once again just be a thing for the drug addicts and lowlifes...not for honest folks that just want an honest job and a honest wage.

Pottery sucks.

(Special thanks to E. Litella and A. tom!)

Aloof? Shy? Sick? Bitchy?

Those are the things that go through my head sometimes when I talk with my youngest daughter.

She's a peach... but aloof, shy, and sometimes bitchy and sick.

So I come in the house last night and say hi to her and ask if everything is okay (She was looking aloof or shy or bitchy or sick)

And she says to me (with a very serious face):

"I just don't feel that good today."

So I did what any Dad would do....I offered up The Medicine Fingers.

And she broke a smile.

And it felt good to bring a smile to a sick girl's face.

It also felt super creepy to present my daughter with The Medicine Fingers

Friday, January 09, 2009

Obama wants to delay digital TV signal

So Doctor Barack wants to delay the February 17th switch over to the digital television signal.

You know...the thing they told they were gonna do four years ago.

But you know how the poor people are....they don't want to plan ahead and buy their freakin' $40.00 converter box.

And Captain Obama is worried some farm folk in Alabama might not get The Price Is Right

You know how hard it is to save up forty dollars over the course of fours years! That's TEN dollars a year!! Three pennies a day!!

Heaven forbid that Non-Plan Ahead Poor Person didn't get to buy his forty dollars worth of lottery tickets or Ripple wine.

Or malt liquor.

Or a T-shirt with a witty saying on it.

Or new sweat pants (poor folk love the sweat pants)

Maybe if Poor Folk gave up a lousy 6 packs of cigarettes over the last FOUR YEARS they could have bought their freakin' converter box for forty dollars!!

But six packs of cigarettes over the last four years would have been like 1 less cigarette every two weeks.

HEAVEN FORBID Poor Folk don't get to smoke that extra butt every two weeks.

So screw you, Barack're startin' to piss me off!

Thursday, January 08, 2009

A Text from the Hoag

So The Hoag went on vacation the other day.

I just got a Text message from him:

"TSA just took my fangs away."


Remember those golden days of yesteryear, pre-9/11, when you could bring vampire fangs on airplanes?

Damn, I miss those days!

When did Wifey become my Grandmother?

So at one point last night Wifey turns to me and says:

"...and no Monkey Business!"

Can 'No Shenanigans' be far behind?

Or 'No Tom Foolery!'

Or heaven forbid...'No Antics!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

It's's Business Time.

Jimmy Carter a Lilliputian?

All the Presidents got together for lunch and had this picture taken.

No wonder Iran walked all over Jimmy Carter....he's tiny!

Good news for you Broads!,2933,477434,00.html

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

IANO AFTER DARK: She could be a part-time model.

Our new feauture....nighttime videos!

Question of the Day

Today we start a new feature.

It's called Question of the Day.

And seeing how today is a day we'll start with the question most of us think about daily:

Where the heck is the vagina on the mermaid?


Monday, January 05, 2009

Think About It.

Only 15 more days until George Bush is no longer the worst President EVER!

So Obama ain't even in office yet and already he has:

1. Picked freakin' Hillary for his Secretary of State.

2. Picked Richardson for his Commerce Secretary and he's now tied up in scandal (Surprise!)and bowed out.

3. And then the other day he stated he was going to 'create 3 million new jobs....80% of them in the private sector'

Now look at #3.

On the surface that sounds good.


80% of 3 million is 2,400,000 new jobs in the private sector....which leaves 600,000 NEW GOVERNMENT JOBS!!!!

What is this assclown thinking???

600,000 new government jobs?

Doing what?

Telling me what to do?

Taking my money?

600,000 new government jobs is a BAD BAD Leroy Brown kinda thing.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Never to be seen for another 90 or so years

You see...we've been lucky.

We've been through a decade with the two middle numbers of the year being 00 (2001, 2002 etc)

And we got to live through these glasses.

Every year the clever folk would wear them.

Dolts like us would just gawk and be jealous.

Goodbye Clever Year will be missed!

Wet Shoes in the house.

So the other day I'm out snowblowing the driveway or something and I come inside wearing my wet shoes.

And my oldest daughter is sitting there.

Here is that riveting conversation:

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Mom is gonna kill you for being in the living room with wet shoes."

ME: "Listen...this is MY house, I paid for it, and I'll do whatever it is I damn well please. MY house."

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "She's gonna kill you."

ME: "I don't take orders from her. I do what I want, when I want. It's MY house."

OLDEST DAUGHTER: :::stares:::

ME: "Do me a favor?"

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Sure...what?"

ME: "Don't tell your mother I was in here with wet shoes."

Friday, January 02, 2009

The One Kill Exemption

Those of you with two or more kids already know this.

You other folks...listen up.

As soon as your second child is born they whisk you into a room and explain The One Kill Exemption (TOKE) to you and how best to use it.

You're allowed to kill one of your kids at anytime you wish with no penalty or stigma attached whatsoever.

You're allowed one child kill. (as long as you have more than one. You cannot TOKEout an only child)

The rule is designed to keep your kids in line and most of the time you never have to use TOKE.

Your kids are implanted with a small chip at birth letting them subconciously know about TOKE so they behave.

The problem arises when you've used up your TOKE chip.

Now the other kid knows he or she can do whatever they want.

And that's how kids win.

So anyhow, last night around 2 in the morning I woke up and for some reason I looked out the window and noticed in the driveway that one of the kids left the lights on in the car.


Luckily for my oldest, Wifey then woke up and told me that Oldest didn't use the car.

It was youngest I was gonna have to TOKE out.

But if I did it... then Oldest would be ruling the roost.

And then I fell back to sleep.

And my kids live another day.


If I EVER have to walk out to the driveway at 2:00am in 10 degree windy weather you better watch your back.


Thursday, January 01, 2009

Snippets from the New Year's Eve party

So The Brit and The Brit Hubby held a great New Year's Eve party last night.

Here are a few snippets of conversation with Wifey and or The Brit.


ME: "So if I start acting like an asshole or creepy or anything please let me know and I'll stop."

WIFEY: "Well I'm not just going to say it out loud in front of everyone...come up with a signal."

ME: "A signal to tell me when I'm being an asshole or creepy?"

WIFEY: "Yes."

ME: "How about :::secret signal::: this?"

WIFEY: "Fine."


ME: "You know...if you were ten years younger I'd be all over you."

THE BRIT: "You're such an asshole."


ME: "You know...if you were ten pounds lighter I'd be all over you."

THE BRIT: "You're such an asshole."


ME: "That was smart of you not to clean your house before the's just going to get messed up."

THE BRIT: "You're such an asshole."


ME: "You look good finally letting the gray show up in your hair."

THE BRIT: "You're such an asshole."


ME: "That's very smart of you not putting the food right out....cuz folks will be really appreciate it more when you do."

THE BRIT: "You're such an asshole."


ME: "Is it okay if I take pictures during the party?"

THE BRIT: "Now you're being creepy."



I never got The Signal from Wifey so I was neither creepy or an asshole.