Those of you with two or more kids already know this.
You other folks...listen up.
As soon as your second child is born they whisk you into a room and explain The One Kill Exemption (TOKE) to you and how best to use it.
You see....you're allowed to kill one of your kids at anytime you wish with no penalty or stigma attached whatsoever.
You're allowed one child kill. (as long as you have more than one. You cannot TOKEout an only child)
The rule is designed to keep your kids in line and most of the time you never have to use TOKE.
Your kids are implanted with a small chip at birth letting them subconciously know about TOKE so they behave.
The problem arises when you've used up your TOKE chip.
Now the other kid knows he or she can do whatever they want.
And that's how kids win.
So anyhow, last night around 2 in the morning I woke up and for some reason I looked out the window and noticed in the driveway that one of the kids left the lights on in the car.
TOKE!
Luckily for my oldest, Wifey then woke up and told me that Oldest didn't use the car.
It was youngest I was gonna have to TOKE out.
But if I did it... then Oldest would be ruling the roost.
And then I fell back to sleep.
And my kids live another day.
SO TO SUM UP:
If I EVER have to walk out to the driveway at 2:00am in 10 degree windy weather you better watch your back.
Youngest.
32 comments:
This is why not driving is the best superpower.
Third sentence: Please change "The One Kill Exception" to "The One Kill Exemption" to match the title of this fine post.
(Note: Yes, there is also "The One Kill Exemption" for people with multiple blog readers. Please don't use it on me. Thank you.)
Dear Sparkle,
If I did your edit the joke would lose all it's impact.
Keep on with your editing...leave the comedy to us professionals.
You don't need the apostrophe in "it's."
Should there be a hyphen between "edit" and "happy?"
Oh, boy! You guys all fight! I'll watch.
I made an error in my comment...I had no choice but delete it or else be made fun of.
(Yes, there should be a hyphen.)
And he didn't need all four exclamation marks, either.
TOKE? TOKE? Far out, man!
The blogger who always signs in as "Comment deleted" is borrrring. He or she always writes the same damned thing: "This post has been removed by the author." Dude. Come up with a new catch-phrase, willya?
HA! I knew I was right about the hyphen.
I mean, the person who signed in as "Not Sparkle" was...
Crap.
This post has been removed by the Queen of England.
This post has been removed by two angry pirates and a drunken ninja.
This post has been removed and will be replaced with a grilled cheese sandwich, large piece of chocolate cake, and a cold glass of milk.
This post has been removed by a bored editor just for the hell of it.
"This post has been removed by a bored editor just for the hell of it."
Probably some edit-happy broad.
or...
Probably some edit happy broad!!!!
Yup.
Edith, yer a dingbat!
I HATE CHEW'S ALL'S
::stabs the last comment with a red pen::
Dear IANO,
Third Sentence: It would be much funnier if you used the term "The One Kill Exception" here to contrast with the humorous title (i.e., "The One Kill Exemption") of this fine post.
We are sorry. While we appreciate your efforts, we cannot use this flaccid and impactless joke.
Sincerely,
Edit-Happy Broad
There is no R in Spackle
Impactless? Wait'll I get through with this blog!
Thou dares to protest to yon communication? Thou shalt feel the sting of mine mystical uru hammer Mjolnir. So sayeth THOR the Odinson!!!!*
*Gods can use as many exclamation points as they want.
!I am mightier than the Mjolnir!
Don't hurt me....I'll be good!
Shouldn't there be a hyphen there?
Or is it one word?
Damn! No-one took me aside!
Wha ha ha! A weapon of parent superiority!
Oh wait, IANO, are you pulling my leg? I have 5 , I could take out a few and still keep the rest in fear. Cute ones get the immunity necklace!
Oh, how I do love the witty repartee here.
Now, has anyone seen my nephew Peter?
I MAY have seen him, Auntie!
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