Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Dear New Toll Booth Guy

I'm sure you're nice.

You look spiffy in those acid washed jeans....that orange vest.

I love the way your fingers linger in my palm as you give me my change.

Our eyes always meet.

I always seem to get your lane.

I deeply care where you live (I'm so glad you told me!)

I wish we had more time to talk....but when I see you... I'm on my way home.... TO MY FEMALE WIFE!!!

So please stop hitting on me.

Though I will say you give change like no other man I've ever met.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Are folks from India retarded...I mean "special"?

I love people from India.

I guess.

It's just a different culture. One I don't understand.

So maybe I hate them.

I guess.

It's just a different culture. One I don't understand.

My shop is near an Indian grocery store and folks from India walk by my shop to get to said grocery store.

And they come into my shop with their kids and buy stuff.

All good, correct?

Not exactly.

So what is wrong with folks from India shopping with me?

They tend not to shut my door.

I have a sign on the door that says : Please Close Door.

But they don't.

Even without the sign you'd think folks would just shut the door.

But they don't.

Swedish people always shut the door.

And Germans.

Folks from Pakistan shut the door.


But usually folks from India don't.

And I don't understand it.

Must be a cultural thing.

Or maybe I should just get a self-closing door.

But I digress.

So anyhow over the weekend an Indian family went grocery shopping and left their 14 year old retarded child in front of my store.

And not retarded like an idiot.

An actual person with what folks used to call retardation.

And he was kinda swinging on the street sign and making weird retarded noises and clapping and all sorts of goofy stuff you expect from a 'special olympian'.

But of course with that annoying accent from India.

Are you still with me?

Do you have the full picture?

So now India's finest Special Olympian decides to come into my shop.

And guess what?

He comes in and shuts the door behind him.


Unrelated added bonus because I took a week off...a picture of Hillary showing why she wore pant suits all those years.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The No-Name Post



Ready to go.

Obama? Nah.

Wifey? Nah.

Maybe a Hoagy story? Nah.

I know...a Writer's Block story. Those are always good.

They're not? Oh.

Maybe a surreal 1960s flashbacky acid trippy kinda thing...where mushrooms and spiro-graphs rule the world.

Too freaky?


Maybe a rant.


Maybe I'll declare myself The King of Pop-Tarts and tour the world.

Or maybe not.

Beatles Game!

Put away the knives....no Beatles Game.

Maybe a good old fashioned love letter to the Boston Red Sox...Hope Springs Eternal kinda thing?

Been done.

Biden's daughter caught on film snorting cocaine?

Freedom Tower renamed One World Trade Center?

No. And no.

Maybe I'll do it as a Dear Abby kinda thing and answer your sex questions?

'Dear Iano,

I have trouble performing....'

Nope...not gonna do that.

Maybe just a rambling diatribe on Hillary?

Now we're talking...

Friday, March 20, 2009

Retard bowling

>>>>>WASHINGTON (March 19) -- Bowling just isn't President Barack Obama's game.
Appearing on "The Tonight Show," the president told host Jay Leno he'd been practicing at the White House's bowling alley but wasn't happy with his score of 129

Then he rolled a gutter ball by quipping: "It was like the Special Olympics or something.">>>>>>>>>>>

(Hey...you voted for him, not me)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Jiffy Lube Weasels

The oil change.

Oh, how we all dread it.

It weighs us down.

We know what is coming.

The horror.

We put it off for a few days and then finally just go take our lumps.

This time will be different you think.

They'll just change my oil for the price posted and you'll be on your merry way.

But it never happens.

Your air filter is dirty.

A bulb is out.

The upgraded oil is suggested.

New wiper blades?

Need your tires rotated?

And on and on it goes.

"I don't have enough money today...maybe next time. Thank you!"

You pay and drive away. And for 5 or 10 minutes you actually worry that maybe you should have had Jiffy Lube rotate your tires.

Or something.

And the negative fades to black...and you're relaxed.

Your oil has been changed.

You don't have to deal with these weasels for another 7000 miles or so (they suggest every 3000 miles, your owners manual on your car most likely suggests every 7500 miles)


"Would you like a copy of Watchmen with your comic purchase today?"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I might have just solved the banking "crisis"

So this morning I stop by the bank (of America) and get some pennies, dimes, dollar bills, and some quarters.

The gal forks over my coin (cool how I said 'forks over my coin',huh?) and I look at the rolls of quarters.

ME: "Are you sure there is ten dollars in here?"

HER: "Yup...you can compare them to these ::shows other rolls::"

ME: "Nevermind...no big deal."
So I get to my car and crack open the 1/4 Georges (cool how I said 1/4 Georges, huh?)

And I count said coins.

There was only $9.00 in my ten dollar roll of coins.

So I brought them back in and the gal said she just bought $800.00 worth of quarters from someone. Do the math. Bank of America lost $80.00 on that one single transaction. (She replaced my $9 rolls with $10 rolls)

And that my friends is how the banking "crisis" happened.

But now that it's solved.. go buy a new car and get the economy going again.

(It would have been cool if I had worked the phrase 'Snap Daddy' into this post but I didn't see where it would have fit. Oh well...)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

What do Nancy Pelosi, the Joker, Octomom, and Prisilla Presley all have in common?

They all are American and love kids.

Or something.

It's the Obama and Wifey Show!

OBAMA: "I'm going to give away almost a trillion dollars and balance the budget without raising taxes!"

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "I'm going to end the war but first I want to put 16,000 more troops in Afghanistan!"

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "My administration will be open unlike the previous one ::whisperwhisperwhisper:::"

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "We are thinking of putting our children in the fine public schools of the DC area."

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "I want to give your money to scum sucking weasels that have no clue how to run a profitable business and I won't raise your taxes."

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "I will make informed choices on who will be in my cabinet."

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "I will reach across the aisle."

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "I will complain about the AIG bonuses even though those bonuses are clearly spelled out in the contracts BEFORE WE GAVE THEM BILLIONS OF DOLLARS (but of course we didn't read those contracts we just threw money in the pit)!!"

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "And here is the most beautiful first lady America has ever known..."

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "Bush's fault."

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

OBAMA: "We will deal with our enemies with a strong hand...a fair hand :::butt-kiss butt-kiss butt-kiss."

WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."



Monday, March 16, 2009

What's the dumbest thing you've ever been called?

The other night The Brit called me a 'Jammie Dodger'.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Gal Accountant (that swears like a sailor)

So last night the neighborhood had The Big Hearts Tournament. Maybe 20 of us.

(Hearts is a card game...we don't all actually have big hearts)

I'm seated at a table with The Gal Accountant.

Here is some of that conversation:

ME: "I can't picture you ever swearing!"

THE GAL ACCOUNTANT: "I swear all of the time...especially at the office and on the Mass Pike"

ME: "I can't picture it."


ME: "Let me hear you swear."



So to sum up:

Me and The Brit won The Big Hearts Touurnament (Card game...we don't actually have big hearts)


Saturday, March 14, 2009

NEW FEATURE: I'm eating these.

NEW FEATURE: People Are Nuts

>>Lesbians living in South Africa are being raped by men who believe it will 'cure' them of their sexual orientation, a report has revealed.
Women are reporting a rising tide of brutal homophobic attacks and murders and the widespread use of 'corrective' rape as a form of punishment.<<

For more of the story:


Friday, March 13, 2009

NEW FEATURE: Email with Wifey

ME: "You make me laugh."


WIFEY: "You make me laugh sometimes."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sung to the Howdy Doody theme

It's Buddy Night Tonight!
It's Buddy Night Tonight!
Blonde, Me, and Hoagy too
Say Hoagy Do to you.
Let's give a rousing cheer,
Cause Hoagy n' Blondies here,
It's time to start the night,
So kids let's go!

Allright, allright...so the Howdy Doody theme didn't quite work with the new Buddy Night lyrics. Bush's fault.

And for you Canadians and Brits and retards that don't know the Howdy Doody Theme:

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I'm fast and easy with the compliments

ME: "I'm glad you didn't end up being a pig."

WIFEY: "That's a compliment?"

ME: "Yes."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

1 in 7 (or around 14%)

The following was in the news today:

>>>>>One in seven people believe it is acceptable in some circumstances for a man to hit his wife or girlfriend if she is dressed in “sexy or revealing clothes in public”, according to the findings of a survey released today.

A similar number believed that it was all right for a man to slap his wife or girlfriend if she is “nagging or constantly moaning at him”.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<



I might just slap my wife and girlfriend.

But I'll be nice to my mistress and whores.

Monday, March 09, 2009

The #1 problem facing America today.

The economy?

I think not...all of us are working (except for two well known retired lounge lizards)

The War?

Are you getting shot at? No.

Is a loved one over in Iraq? I doubt it.

The war shouldn't concern you....so shut up about it.

Maybe the number one problem is world hunger? I'm guessing the last time you were hungry was less than an hour ago and what did you do... starve? I think not. You ate something. World hunger is a media driven made up story.

Health care?

That's a problem?? Why? You have health care so shut up about it. It ain't a problem.

Global warming? Oh PUH-LEASE!

So what's the number problem in America?

I'll tell you in the next paragraph.

The number one problem is when you've just had your car washed and you're toolin' down the highway (pretty cool how I just said 'toolin' down the highway' huh?) and the douchebag in front of you decides that NOW is the time to clean his windshield and his windshield washer sprays up and over his car and all over your freshly washed car causing spotting and stuff.

That's a good enough reason for war. Or to make him starve to death. Or beat him until he needs health care.

Or something.

So to sum up:

Don't be washing your windshield when I'm behind you. Ya got that, Chief?

Friday, March 06, 2009

The Saul/Blonde Conundrum

So yesterday afternoon Cousin Saul makes fun of this blog because it's been stupid lately and he wants more politics (Obama bashing)

And then last night The Blonde tells me nobody comments on the blog anymore because it's too political (I've been bashing Obama too much...though it seemed fine when it was Bush) and that I should blog more about Wifey and stuff.

So what should I do?

I know...I'll have a fake conversation between Saul and The Blonde and settle this matter.

Clever, huh?

SAUL: "Obama is spending money like a drunken sailor!"

THE BLONDE: "I think I'll spend my money on that Chicken Parmigiana!"

SAUL: "If Obama gets his way we won't have any chickens left to pour parmigiana over them!"

THE BLONDE: "We should share our Chicken Parmigiana with those less fortunate!"

SAUL: "But we shouldn't be FORCED into doing so!"

THE BLONDE: "But people will starve! They're out of work!"

SAUL: "If they learned to speak English maybe they could get a job and they wouldn't have to eat my Chicken Parmigiana!"

THE BLONDE: "There is plenty of Chicken Parmigiana to go around!"

SAUL: "That's not the point! I want to have so much Chicken Parmigiana that I can't move!"


I AIN'T NO OPRAH: "This bit is going nowhere! I'll blog about whatever the heck I wanna blog about! If Saul wants to blog about Obama and his spend happy ways then by all means blog about it....and The Blonde, your hair looked awesome last night"



ME: "What do you want to watch on TV?"

WIFEY: "I don't care...whatever you want"

Thursday, March 05, 2009

The Who Watch The Watchmen

All along the Watchtower.

And they watch Jimi Hendrix.

And his guitar and stuff.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Shovel Ready Projects.

Get used to that.

We as a nation are going to hear that SO MANY FREAKIN' times in the next couple years that I'm guessing it's been copyrighted and Obama is gonna pocket some coin everytime it gets said.

Pretty cool how I said 'pocket some coin', huh?

Sunday, March 01, 2009

2nd notice again

I just got a spam email with that in the subject box: '2nd notice again'

Wouldn't that in fact be a third notice?