Saturday, December 31, 2011

Wifey 2:30 Driveway Trash Elbow Slippers Ralph Fiennes

Recently Wifey told me that before I say or do anything that I should check with her first.

Seems I don't have a good internal edit function.

Or something.

Keep that in mind.

And now the story begins.

Last night around 2:30am I hear this CRASH! SMASH! BOTTLES A BREAKIN'! coming from across the street. I then hear tires squealing and a car pulling away.

I look out the window and see trash all strewn about on my neighbors driveway.

My 2:30 in the morning brain told me it was a college prank done to the neighbors college aged son.

Should I go out at 2:30am and clean up the mess? There was quite a bit of trash (the after Christmas trash is always a lot)

Should I call the neighbor and let him know?

I decided not to do either. Cleaning up the trash at 2:30am would probably wake up lots of people. I went back to bed. Back to sleep.

I get up around 7:30. Go downstairs.

I ask Wifey if she saw the mess across the street. She did.

I tell her about the noise of the car speeding away.

It's 7:30 in the morning and now I feel guilty about not cleaning up the trash.

I tell Wifey to text the neighbors. She does.

She also offers her help in cleaning up the mess.

They decline.

I then tell Wifey that I'm going to go over and clean it up.

She tells me not to. People don't want other people looking through their trash.

I agree.

I then see Dave the Neighbor in his driveway starting to clean up.

Did I mention that I usually goof on Dave the Neighbor? Did I mention the practical jokes we've done on each other?

It's killing me. His driveway is filled with trash and I have to stay inside.

The jokes flying thru my brain are hurting me.

I have to go out. Not to help.

I say to Wifey "I'm going to help!"

She again says no.

I run upstairs and put on my pants.

I'm going over. Not to help.

I open my front door and yell across the street "YOU SLOB! CLEAN UP THAT MESS!!"

(Clever, huh?)

Dave the Neighbor can't really hear what I'm saying.

I put on some slippers, I decide I'm gonna fly down the three steps at my front door, down my brick walkway, and across the lawn to goof on him!

I take the three steps with ease.

I hit the brick walkway.

The ice-covered brick walkway.

Aptly named slippers get no traction. I fly in the air. I crash down like Dave the Neighbors trash.

My head smashes on a decorative metal milk urn we keep at bottom of front stairs (Is the milk urn really all that decorative?), my elbow gets smashed on the brick.

I lay there.

Dave the Neighbor comes running over. Genuine concern.

"Don't move!"

I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a coma. Maybe a wheelchair.

Or maybe I just have a small cut on my elbow.

I get up. My head hurts. My elbow kills.

Blood on my t-shirt showing my manliness.

Wifey comes out.

I'm okay.

Dave the Neighbor thinks it was his newspaper delivery guy that crashed into his trash.

Dave the Neighbor goes back to his filthy driveway.

Wifey isn't yet aware that she has an "I told you so" hanging over my head.

My elbow still kills. It will probably prevent me from pitching for the Red Sox this year.

We go in the house.

Wifey has genuine concern for the whack I took on my head.

"Ralph Fiennes wife died a day or two after hitting her head. You should get that checked."

I'm a man. I don't need my head examined.

(I gave you all that line, do what you must with it)

Monday, December 26, 2011

Xmas Snippets 2011

Odd Gift for a Manly Man like me:

A paisely ironing board cover. Lots of purple in it. I love it!

I also got a lint brush. It wasn't purple.


So I'm opening up a gift and it was a shirt. A rather flamboyant shirt. Lots of purple in it. Here is the conversation:

ME: "Are you sure this wasn't for Hoagy?"


The following story isn't for the kids.

The other night me and The Hoag are out for Buddy Nite dinner, Christmas style.

Next to us was three drunken women and one REALLY drunken woman.

The REALLY drunken woman turned to us and said:

DRUNK SKANK: "Wow, you two are handsome! I just shaved my pussy!"

ME: "Thank you."

DRUNK SKANK: :::gesturing towards HOAGY::: "And you look like John Mayer!"

HOAGY: "Who is John Mayer?"


MADDOG: "Did Wifey like the jam I gave her?"


ME: "Don't even think about telling me what you want for Christmas next year...I've already got it picked out."

DAUGHTER: "It will be out-dated by then."

(It won't be)


DAUGHTER: "If I need to get up at 4:00am I set my alarm for 1:00am so I know I can still sleep for three hours."

ME: "Tard."



In the movie 'It's a Wonderful Life', when they all start singing in the Bailey's house, why the hell does Bert the Cop have an accordian with him???


Saturday, December 17, 2011

Annoying Voice Guy

ANNOYING VOICE GUY: "So when did Jackie Kennedy die?"

ME: "She died in 1994."

ANNOYING VOICE GUY: "How old was she?"

ME: "I think she was around 65."

ANNOYING VOICE GUY: "So she never made 80, huh?"

ME: "I don't think so."

ANNOYING VOICE GUY: "Wow, she never made 80."

ME: "Nope."

ANNOYING VOICE GUY: "How old was she when she died?"

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Flashdance Guy

We nicknamed him that decades ago.

It has nothing to with today's story.

I don't really like Flashdance Guy. I never have.

Flashdance Guy comes in today.

Here is the conversation:

FLASHDANCE GUY: " are you doing!!"

ME: "I'm doing great!!"


:::more silence:::

FLASHDANCE GUY: "How come you never ask me how I am?"

ME: "I don't care how you are."


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Last Boy On Earth Saves Christmas!

How can that be?

There is a last boy?

He saved Christmas?

Yes and yes.

And here is how:

GAL: "Can you order this book for me?

ME: "Sure, but it might not make it in time for Christmas. Should I still order it?"

GAL: "Yes. Let me know when it comes in."

ME: "Righty-O!"

(I didn't actually say Righty-O. In fact, I never have.)


The book arrives today, I email her, she comes down and pays for it.

Here is the conversation that followed:

GAL: "Thank you SO much! You just saved Christmas!!"

ME: "Actually Kamandi saved Christmas."

GAL: "Thank you, Kamandi!"
(She didn't actually say 'Thank you, Kamandi')

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011


So the other day there was an eclipse of some sorts.

And whenever there is an eclipse the news agencies and 'scientists' tell us how to view it, when it will appear, how it will burn your eyeballs out, etc.

And in EVERY eclipse story it always mentions that we won't see another eclipse like this for another 68 years.

And then about a month or two later there is another story about an eclipse.

And how to view it. When it will appear. How your eyeballs will be burned out. Etc.

And then they tell us an eclipse won't happen again for another 68 years.

Stop fucking with us!!

We know an eclipse happens every few weeks.

We also know it doesn't burn our eyeballs.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

She could also stand to lose twenty pounds.

So me and Wifey go out to dinner last night.

We decided to eat at the bar of the restaurant.

Waitress brought over bread.

Wifey asked for butter.

Waitress thought that meant don't bring butter.

Wifey ordered a salad and her meal.

Waitress thought that meant Wifey just wanted her meal.

Over the course of the night Wifey had three glasses of wine.

The waitress thought it best just to charge us for two of the glasses.

I had three bottles of beer.

The waitress thought it best just to charge me for one bottle of beer.

Remember that salad Wifey ordered and didn't get?

The waitress thought it made sense to charge us for that.


Friday, December 09, 2011

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

So last night was Buddy Nite.

Me and Hoag at the usual place.

Me dressed normal.

Hoag dressed normal for Hoag.

The manager of the restaurant comes up to our table and talks with us.

She usually does.

Here is part of the conversation:

MISS MANAGER (pointing at Hoag's shirt): "So Hoag, does that company make women's shirts?"

:::before Hoag can answer:::

ME: "Yes, he has one on."


Point of the story?

Sometimes it's just too easy.

#276 in the series: Why India is stupid.

////the eastern Indian city of Kolkata, formerly known as Calcutta.///

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Sunday, December 04, 2011

The Solitaire Guy

HIM: "I really like these cards."

ME: "You should buy them."

HIM: "Nah, I don't like playing solitaire by myself."

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Shouldn't that be Zincy?

So I'm reading an article about 'penny hoarders'.

It mentiones that they want pre-1982 pennies because they are 95% copper and worth a lot more than a penny.

So the guy in the article had this to say:

"The copper has such a different sound than zinc pennies do," Henry said. "Real money has that definite sound of money and if you listen to a modern zinc penny, they don't sound the same, they sound sort of tinny."

RIP Peter Pan

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Reverse IANO written by The Beatles

PAUL: "Hey, Jude!"

JOHN: "Get Back!"