Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What's so disturbing about serial killers?

So this woman comes in the shop a couple days ago and asks about this graphic novel I have about a very famous serial killer.

I let her know how it is. I tell her it's complicated. It's long. It's disturbing.

But it's really well done, well researched.

She buys said graphic novel.

Two days later (This morning, in fact) the phone rings:

ME: "::Standard phone greeting!::"

HER: "Hi...this is Jane, remember that book I bought the other day?"

ME: "Yup."

HER: "Well, I don't like it. It's long and complicated and disturbing."

ME: "You saw how long it was when you bought it....and it's about a serial killer, didn't you think it might be disturbing?"

HER: "Not the parts before he became a serial killer."

ME: "And how was it complicated?"

HER: "I don't know...I only read ten pages."

ME: "Bring it back in for a full refund...we always around."

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Professional Diamond Cutters

So I'm driving to work the other day and I see this very nice looking business truck.

On the side in very snazzy script was: PROFESSIONAL DIAMOND CUTTERS

You could see this business was professional. Clean truck. Uniformed guys driving said truck. Nice paint job.

And then I saw the back of the truck.

In the same beautiful script...same professional paint job.

It stated:


So To Sum Up:

I'll get my diamonds cut somewhere else.

Monday, June 28, 2010

RIP Senator Robert Byrd

'In all, Byrd's congressional career spanned 12 presidencies, numerous wars, countless political movements, and nearly the full arc of the civil rights movement. Once a staunch segregationist and a member of the Ku Klux Klan'

Somehow the editor of his obituary left out the words douche & bag.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Chief Brody to BP

"You're gonna need a bigger check."

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Your 2nd quarterly tax is due today!

Small business owners have to pay their taxes each quarter.

April 15, June 15, Sept. 15, and January 15.

Notice that the government can't even get the concept of 'quarterly' correct?

Quarterly should be March, June, September, and know, quarterly.

Instead they have us pay in April (along with our regular taxes) and then BAM! two months later another tax bill.

The good part of the government being retarded?

I only have one more tax payment for the next seven months.

Except for my property tax on my home every three months.

Daily sales tax.


Excise tax on my cars.

State tax every 'quarter'.

Not to mention some weird taxes in my phone bill and electric bill.

I think I get a strange tax on my cable bill.

Tax on clothes over $300!!!!!????

No tax on food...except for at restaurants and for my dog.

Inspection stickers for my cars...yes, that's a tax.

The point of today's post?

I love taxes.

I kinda also like Oklahoma.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Three Simple Words and a Dilemma

Assume I have around 100 people that I'm normally in contact with.

One of those people had to have a colonoscopy.

A simple thing.

Except for the prep.

36 hours of hell for the person having said colonoscopy.

Lots of horrible stuff to drink.

Lots of fluids. Laxatives. No food.

Lots of pooping.

The idea is to have a totally empty colon so the camera can see everything it needs to see.

Lots of trips to the bathroom.


Again and again and again.

The procedure itself isn't so bad (or so I've heard)


So this person I know who is having the colonoscopy does all of the prep work.

They do their job.

It's now up to the doctors to do theirs.


Now I bring you to 8:55 last night.

Wifey's phone vibrates. Or buzzes. Or whatever her phone does.

It's a text message from my oldest daughter.

The Three Simple Words:

"How's Poops McGee?"

Possibly the greatest three words I've ever heard.

Me and Wifey are laughing.

Poops McGee.

So what is the dilemma?

The dilemma is do we forever brand this person Poops McGee or do we pass it on to the next person we know that has a colonoscopy?

Miss America isn't forever Miss America. She's only Miss America until a new one is crowned.

I think Poops McGee should be the same kind of thing.

Or something.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Thank you, Cousin Saul!

So I go into the post office this morning to mail two packages.

CLERK: "That will be $21.40."

So I hand the broad a fifty dollar bill.

She looks at the bill.

She holds it up to the light.

Then she takes out one of those counterfeit bill detector pens and makes a mark on my fifty dollar bill.

She holds it back up to the light.

I look at her.

She puts the fifty in her cash drawer and hands me my change....two tens, a five, three ones and some coin.

ME: "May I see that pen?"

She doesn't blink. She hands me the pen.

I start making marks on the paper money. Then the coins.

CLERK: "Sir...what are you doing?"

ME: "I'm seeing if these are counterfeits."

CLERK: "Why would I give you counterfeit money?"

ME: "Why would I?"


I would just like to thank Cousin Saul for placing this idea in my head. I've been waiting to use it.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Somethings in life are just wrong.

Elvis Mr. Potato Head is not one of them.

Monday, June 07, 2010

I AINT NO OPRAH interviews the BP Oil Executives about the Gulf oil spill.

Welcome gentlemen! Today we have just a few questions about your plans on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

"Oil me."

"Well, Doggy!"

"Do you plan on cleaning up all of the oil and making good on all of your promises to help the people of the Gulf coast?"

"If I only had a heart."

"We're gonna clean up alright. Everything. Or we're're gonna end up with the seat of our britches on fire."

"Are you going to help the wildlife that have been soaked in oil?"

"Not even a rhinoceros."

"Well, doggy!"

"Anything else you'd like to add?"

"Oil can."

"Well, doggy!"

"Thank you gentlemen for your honest and insightful answers."

"Boy, you're just one dumb ol' cowboy, ain't you!?"

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Friday, June 04, 2010

NEW FEATURE! Photoshop yourself in so you can be best buds with Adolf

Oil Me

Is what happened to me worse than what is happening in the Gulf of Mexico?


Is what happened to me worth blogging about?


Am I going to blog about it anyhow?


Will Nazis be involved?


I was cutting the grass (mowing the lawn) when all of a sudden the oil cap came off the mower and some oil got on me.

Was I the last one to use the mower?


Did Wifey last use the mower?


Did Wifey have anything to do with the oil cap being loose?

Maybe. Possibly.

Do I still like her?


Thursday, June 03, 2010

My Own Private Computer Holocaust (Idaho)

Lightning storm! (BA-BOOM!) Bolts of SS.

Electrical mayhem! Motherboard Ker-Plunk!

I'm at work with no computer.

It won't turn on.

I can't bring in my other computer until the next day.

I have seven hours in my shop with no internet.

Seven hours.

Al Gore splits with his wife and I can't get details.

I can't blog about it.

I have Al Gore stuff in the ready-room just a waitin' to go.

But no computer.

Computer Holocaust!

I look at the computer. I try the power button.


Unplug it. Plug it back in.

I try the power button.


I take the battery out. I put it back in. I do the hokey-pokey.


I go busy myself in the store. I come back to the computer.

I kinda stand there. Maybe now it will turn on.


Busy myself.

Come back to computer. Look at him.

Just sitting there.

No news. No blogs. No email. No forums.

This is nuts.

I get through the day. Somehow.

The next day I bring in my old computer.

I turn it on. IT'S ON!

I'm saved.

But wait...



I look at the modem. Modem has boo-boo.

I call internet provider.

They run me through some tests.'s the modem.

They can bring me another one.

But not until 5:00

Another day with no internet.

But the computer works!

It hits me.

I do NOTHING on the computer without the internet.

I have a computer solely for the internet.

(though the i-Pad I use mostly WITHOUT the internet)

I look at my old computer. She's just sitting there with nothing to do.

She wants to do something.

But she can't.

Today is Thursday. The internet has been fixed.

Computer is somewhere in Texas getting fixed.


I posted today's blog just so I could show that picture of the Nazi computer.

Me not having the internet really wasn't as bad as the Holocaust.