Wednesday, January 24, 2007


On the radio this morning they mentioned that some company is going to start adding caffeine to their doughnuts. They'll be called Buzz Doughnuts.

Do doughnut eaters really need more caffeine in their systems? Will they wash those doughnuts down with coffee or Jolt Cola?


I had a dream about Hillary Clinton last night and it wasn't too bad.

I think I need a caffeinated doughnut so I'll never fall asleep again.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

This joke made me laugh when I was 9 years old

If Gomer Pyle married Winnie The Pooh he'd be a Pyle of Pooh.

It still holds up quite well, hmmmmm?

Sunday, January 14, 2007


I AINT NO OPRAH will be on hiatus for a while as I have a TON of stuff to do at work.

Thank you all for checking in every day....its been a blast.

You're all a fun, smart, witty bunch and crack me up everyday.


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Dumb as a country shaped like a boot.

I'm getting ready to ship a package to Italy so I go to the US Post office website to check out restrictions and stuff ( and here is a partial list of what I CAN'T ship to Italy.


The following list is real (though I edited out the stuff that made sense to restrict....weapons, radioactive materials, violins, etc)

Prohibitions (130)

Albums of any kind (of photographs, postcards, postage stamps, etc.).

Articles of platinum or gold; jewelry; and other valuable articles unless sent as insured packages.

Artificial flowers and fruits and accessories for them.

Bells and other musical instruments and parts thereof.

Clocks and supplies for clocks.

Coral mounted in any way.

Exposed photographic and cinematographic films.

Footwear of any kind.

Haberdashery and sewn articles of any kind, including trimmings and lace; handkerchiefs; scarves; shawls, needlework including stockings and gloves; bonnets, caps, and hats of any kind.

Leather goods.

Lighters and their parts, including lighter flints.

Nutmeg, vanilla; sea salt, rock salt; saffron.

Perfumery goods of all kinds (except soap).

Playing cards of any kind.

Postage stamps in sealed or unsealed letter-post shipments.

Ribbons for typewriters.

Roasted or ground coffee and its substitutes; roasted chicory.

Saccharine and all products containing saccharine.

Toys not made wholly of wood.


Italy is now officially the dumbest planet on earth.

And does anyone want to buy my roasted chicory business?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Good Old Route 117

So I'm reading Bemisdown's blog the other day about her getting pulled over for speeding and it reminded me of the time I got pulled over back in the 1980s.

(I just felt everyone's eyes rolling up inside their heads)

Telling someone a speeding story is somewhat like telling someone a dream story....they don't much care.

But I'm gonna tell ya anyhow.

It happened on Rt. 117. All you need to know about RT. 117 is that either it's clogged with traffic and you can't speed even if you wanted to OR it's empty and you can't help but speed. It's a fun road when it's empty. Ask Bacon Ace or Hoag or Cousin Saul.

I was going fast when the cop pulled me over. Here is the conversation that followed:

COP: "License, registration blahblahblah"

ME: "Here ya go."

COP: "Why are you going so fast?"

ME: "My wife is making Chicken Parmiagana."

COP: "Well, you better get going then...."

ME: "Thank you."

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Celebrity Arrest Pool

I've got nothing to write today so I figured instead of the Dead Pool we'd play the Arrest Pool.

Pick three. Winner gets a prize. And ya gotta pick someone that nobody thinks wouuld ever get arrested.

Here's mine:

1. David Hasslehoff (it just sounds right for some reason)

2. Charlie Sheen (he's due)

3. Tom Hanks (he's worth bonus prizes)

Monday, January 08, 2007

To Whom it May Concern,

Please excuse Steven from school today as he is sick.

Thank you,
Steven's Mom

Friday, January 05, 2007

60 degrees in Boston today

Clearly this whole global warming thing and the melting of the polar ice caps is Deval Patricks fault.

What a crappy job he's doing.

And I notcie we're still in Iraq.

The Subway Hero

Subway Hero. Subway Hero. Subway Hero.

That's all I've heard all week. Every news show. Subway Hero. Subway Hero. Subway Hero.

Regis. Letterman. The Today Show. Good Morning America. Subway Hero. Subway Hero. Subway Hero. Local news. The View. Jimmy Kimmel. Conan. Leno. Subway Hero. Subway Hero. Subway Hero.

Every newspaper. The Globe. Herald. NY Daily News. The NY Post. The Subway Hero.

I'm sick of hearing about the freakin' Subway Hero.

I have a pal named Hoagy and I eat the steak n' cheese at D'Angelo's....what the heck do I need with some stupid Subway Hero?

Thursday, January 04, 2007

It's Pat!

I was taking a break from helping Mitt Romney move some stuff when I read this story:

It seems God talked direct to Pat Robertson (crazed TV religious nut job 700 Club guy) and told him that the US was going to suffer a terrible terrorist attack sometime after September resulting in the death of millions.

He also mentions that God didn't say it would be nuclear....but Pat thinks it will be.

So now lets analyze this. A couple things:

I find it odd that God has a calendar and mentions it will happen after September. Is it a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar? Maybe one of those Far Side ones? What kinda calendar does God have? Did he get it AFTER Christmas and save 50%?

I also love that Pat knows it will be nuclear but God doesn't.

Later in the story the reporter mentions Pat's 'predictions' and other conversations that Pat has had with God. Seems last year God told Pat that there would be a tsunami in New England. When questioned Pat said: "Well, maybe there wasn't a tsunami but it rained a lot last year so I was close enough"

No, you weren't.

God spoke to me also.

He told me Pat is a douchebag.

He also told me that new show 'The Knights of Prosperity' is pretty funny.

He was right on both counts.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The Unspeakable Areola

So yesterday I'm on a business forum and the subject of the areola comes up. You know, the areola...that brownish/pinkish piece of real estate that circles the nipple.

What about the areola is so forbidden? On TV you can see every part of a woman's breast except the areola. And of course, the evil nipple.

But the real part of the areola that befuddles me is that people rarely even say it out loud. Have you ever heard the following in actual conversation?:

1. "Man, she has beautiful areolas!"

2. " areolas sure do itch...I've got itchy areolas!"

3. Excuse me sir, do my areolas smell funny?

4. "You know, Louie...ya can tell the size of a woman's areolas by the size of her feet. It's true."

5. "But Mom...we had areolas for dinner last night!"

6. "Get your feet of the areolas...I just polished them!"

7. "I'm afraid you have cancer of the areola.

8. "Man! Look at the areolas on that man's cans!"

(Men have areolas also, correct?)

9. I'll take the Areolas plus three points over the Dallas Cowboys!"

10. "Mmmmmmm....chicken fried areolas!"

Areolas. Dumbest word in history. And rarely do you hear anyone say it out loud. Areola. Sounds Hawaiian

Or something.

(spackle and slacks are dumb words also)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Funeral Of President Gerald Ford

So I'm at this New Years Eve party and all the men were standing around talking so I decided to leave all the women and go join them. One of the guys is telling us this story of his brother(?) who went or had a party where there was a stripper. Now from what I gather the stripper was doing whatever it is that strippers do. Dancing. Taking off their clothes. And other stripper related duties.

And then she decided to do the following:

She took a flashlight (like the kind they use when directing a plane on a runway....with that tapered cone thingy)....she took the flashlight and rammed it up her butt. You heard me.... the flashlight up her butt. And then turned it on.

Since when did this become something that men like? Ladies....this is NOT something we like. There is not even a remote chance that a flashlight up your ass will turn us on so don't even try it. It aint hot. It aint sexy. It's a flashlight with a big red cone thingy jammed in your rectum. NOT. SEXY. Even with the flashlight illuminated it's not sexy. Not a turn on.

And what the heck does all this have to do with the funeral of President Gerald Ford you ask?

I have no idea. I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying my best to somehow tie in the funeral of a US President with a flashlight jammed in a strippers butt and can't come up with anything.

I've failed you. I've failed the Nation.