Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Funeral Of President Gerald Ford

So I'm at this New Years Eve party and all the men were standing around talking so I decided to leave all the women and go join them. One of the guys is telling us this story of his brother(?) who went or had a party where there was a stripper. Now from what I gather the stripper was doing whatever it is that strippers do. Dancing. Taking off their clothes. And other stripper related duties.

And then she decided to do the following:

She took a flashlight (like the kind they use when directing a plane on a runway....with that tapered cone thingy)....she took the flashlight and rammed it up her butt. You heard me.... the flashlight up her butt. And then turned it on.

Since when did this become something that men like? Ladies....this is NOT something we like. There is not even a remote chance that a flashlight up your ass will turn us on so don't even try it. It aint hot. It aint sexy. It's a flashlight with a big red cone thingy jammed in your rectum. NOT. SEXY. Even with the flashlight illuminated it's not sexy. Not a turn on.

And what the heck does all this have to do with the funeral of President Gerald Ford you ask?

I have no idea. I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying my best to somehow tie in the funeral of a US President with a flashlight jammed in a strippers butt and can't come up with anything.

I've failed you. I've failed the Nation.


Anonymous said...

Gerald Ford was the light that lead us out of the darkness of Watergate.

He was the turned-on flashlight of hope jammed up the rectum of the previous administration.

The electric torch of the Ford presidency shed a healing glow and helped this country mend its reamed sphincter of the post-Nixon era.

Now, Nixon with a flashlight jammed up his plumbing... THAT's hot. Especially if it's one of those really big square ones that fire fighters use.

-- Lamont Cranston

cake said...

If you can't connect a stripper with a flashlight up her butt to the death of President Ford...the terrorists will have won.

Way to go, NoOprah.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I think Lamont just said it all.

Tex said...

so there is light at the end of the tunnet?

good to know

Tex said...

so there is light at the end of the tunnet?

good to know

Tom Miles said...

LBJ suggested that Ford was too dumb to fart and chew gum at the same time.

The stripper simultaneously provided erotic entertainment and emergency lighting.

Just saying.

motheragawd said...

Okay, the image of the stripper with a flashlight rammed up her butt is way too disturbing to take up too much space in my limited brain, but I do wonder which way the lens was facing. I mean, was it pointing into her body, giving her abdomen an orange glow, or was it facing out, making her ass a beacon for the lost and wandering? Just wondering.

bacon ace said...

I'm guessing the illuminated end was inserted leaving the handle out. Otherwise with the handle inserted how else would she turn it on? Unless she's really tealented.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Really, really talented.

Tex said...

whether she's tealented or talented....this is very very tainted

just reading about this again makes my butt cheeks pucker

cake said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
cake said...

I keep a flashlight at my desk at work in case of emergency...I never figured that emergency could involve a stripper needing to borrow it for her act.

(She could just *keep* it, actually...)

Anonymous said...

OK...So I'm at the same party and I missed this...? I guess I should have been reading all along.

Anonymous said...

All right, so let's assume that the stripper was able to turn the flashlight on in situ.

This means she could also turn it off, right?

Which would lead one to think she could make it blink in long and short bursts.

In short, the stripper could be using her flashlight and talents to send Morse code messages.

Assuming all this to be true, what would be the most likely message she would transmit? Remember to take into account both medium and targeted audience.

-- Lamont Cranston

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Yes, you were at the same party.

You stayed with the women while we manly men talked strippers.

(welcome back)

rat said...

"...we manly men..."

Said the man who watches "Dancing with the Stars" with his testicles in the freezer.

donna don't wanna said...

This puts a whole new spin on that Debbie Boone song...You light up my life!