Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year and those banned word lists

Have you seen those banned word lists?

People think they are clever by 'banning' popular words or phrases that get overused.

Whatever!

Spoiler Alert!

Fiscal Cliff!

Poor Newtown!

etc etc etc


I think we should do the opposite.

We should overuse certain words or phrases.

Or something.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Thank you.

To the person that posted that picture of a single burning candle on Facebook.

It magically brought those twenty Sandy Hook kids back to life.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Worthless Toys


So two women just came in my shop.

One of them started looking through a bin of Beanie Babies (tm)

The other one speaks up.

BROAD: "Don't buy those...they are worthless."

---

She then proceeded to buy a wallet made from Tyvek (tm)....the crap they use to make Federal Express envelopes.

I'm sure it will be worth a lot in the near future.

-----

I wish Beanie Babies were made of Tyvek.

Now I'm thinking about Vic Tayback.

I'm not sure why.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Joe Biden Task Force


So it's a week after L'il Columbine and President Obama has decided to appoint Joe Biden to head up a 'Task Force' to study gun violence and to report back to him next month.

I'm not making that up.

Joe Biden has a Task Force.

Joe Biden's Task Force.

Let's take a look at a few of the early meetings of Joe Biden's Task Force.

-----

BOB: "So...ummmm....what should we do?"

JOE BIDEN: "Well, I have a Task Force. First off we're gonna need a snappy logo."

BOB: "Skull and crossbones...maybe a cryptic number...perhaps a few crossed swords. Lightning bolt?"

JOE BIDEN: "Hmmmm....crossed swords. I likey."


------

BOB: "So what now?"

JOE BIDEN: "We'll need some shoulder patches for our jackets. Something to show that we mean BUSINESS!!"

BOB: "Maybe something with skulls? Crossed swords?"

JOE BIDEN: "Hmmmmm....crossed swords. I likey."

-------

BOB: "So what now?"

JOE BIDEN: "We'll need some stationary. For the Task Force."

BOB: "Maybe something with skulls?"

JOE BIDEN: "Let's stick with the crossed swords, Bob."

----

BOB: "So what now?"

JOE BIDEN:  "We'll need hats. Some for in the field...some for dress."

BOB:  "Berets?"

JOE BIDEN: "Yes...with stiched in crossed swords."

--------

BOB: "When do we study gun violence?

JOE BIDEN: "Oh, Bobby-boy...hahahhahahahahahaha.!!"

Monday, December 17, 2012

I'm still gonna wait another day or two.


Just assume that I disagree with everybody on Facebook about it.

And it wasn't really Morgan Freeman posting that.

And the Mom wasn't a teacher at the school.

And the shooter either used a handgun or a rifle depending on where you get your news.

And don't send sympathy cards to the school.

Republicans and Democrats both have guns. So do Canadians.

I don't care that the mom landscaped her backyard.

Or that she was 'flirty' in bars. (that's what one media outlet reported....it must be true)

Or that the Dad of the shooter drove a Mini-Cooper(tm)

And don't tell me not to remember the name of the shooter. I'll do what I want.

Don't tell me that you 'cried all day long'. You didn't.

And don't tell me that's all you can think about. You also thought about pizza.

Don't tell me it was a good idea to postpone an episode of Family Guy. I'm guessing the parents didn't want to sit around watching Family Guy anyhow.

Don't open Saturday Night Live with kids singing Silent Night all solemn like. It's a comedy show. Make me laugh.

Don't tell me that the shooter played video games. He was 20 years old. Most 20 year olds play video games. Most 20 year olds don't shoot up schools.

Though I'm guessing he played Dungeons and Dragons....

--------------

Crap...I meant to wait another day or two.

It's too soon.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Il Duce is a bit oaky


My review of the concert.

Kanye West started "singing" and I went to bed.


--------
MORE CONCERT COVERAGE

ME: "Do I look older than Bon Jovi?

WIFEY: "No."

ME: "Do I look younger than Bon Jovi?"

WIFEY: "No."

Monday, December 10, 2012

Do you know what's worse than someone telling you about some dream they had?

It's when someone tells you about a car accident they ALMOST had.

This morning I ALMOST got hit by a car.

The other car was being driven by a non-white women (You'll see why it's important what color she was by the end of this blog post)

I was driving down the street when she pulled out of the bank parking lot and almost hit me.

I had to slam on my brakes.

Everything on my passenger seat flew off and crashed to the floor of my car.

I had a can of Pringles on said seat.

About a 1/3 of them are now broken,

Broken Pringles kinda suck.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Friday, December 07, 2012

Thank God It's Friday


So I'm at the mall last doing "Christmas Shopping" (Buffalo wings and  two beers at TGIF and even a soft pretzel at Auntie Annie's)

I'm barely shopping.

I'm just looking for stupid signs and crap to photograph for the blog.

I stumble upon this in the TGIF window.

Michael J. Noseworthy is definitely Micheal J. Blogworthy.


Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Bricks don't lie


So I get to work today and I start walking around to the front.
 
It seems that someone left you a message on the brick..
 



Sunday, December 02, 2012

Hero of the Day.


So last night Wifey and I were at the mall when we spot this small asian girl (it's important to the story that she is asian) walking around the food court area.

Wifey says: "That kid can't find her mother!"

Of course Wifey just sits there.

I spring to action!

I start following the little girl.

I dont want to touch her or scare her.

She starts frantically looking around.

Wifey was right. She's lost and now she's crying looking for her Mom!

I'm not really sure what to do.

So I just keep a few steps back making sure nobody snags her.

Then another woman spots what's going on and joins me.

After about tens seconds the mother of the child runs towards her daughter, picks her up, and hugs her!

All is well.

So I start walking back to Wifey.

The woman that helped me says: "That was really of nice of you to help find her mother."

ME: "Thank you...it's a great way to meet chicks."

Friday, November 30, 2012

So last night I went out for something to eat.

I didn't want to stay out late.

 I wanted to eat.

And get home early.

Eat. Home. Sleep.

That was the plan.

So we start walking to my car after a quick dinner.

No keys.

Check the back pocket.

Other back pocket.

Front pockets. Shirt pocket.

Jacket pockets.

Repeat.

Take stuff out of pockets.

Pat back pockets again.

No keys.

It's cold outside.

Back inside restaurant.

ME: "Did you find a set of keys in here?"

NOT THE BRIGHTEST BARTENDER ON THE PLANET:  "What did they look like?"

ME: "Keys."

I look around restaurant.

They probably just fell to the floor where I sat.

Nope.

Check the back pockets again...I'm sure they will magically appear there.

They don't.

No keys.

I saddle up to the bar.

I remove everything out of every pocket (I had so much crap with me I was expecting to find a slingshot and a jawbreaker)

Money, wallet, change, cough drops, box cutter, napkins, receipts, paperclip, fireball, notes, etc.

No keys.

I took off my jacket.

I started patting it down...maybe a hole in the pocket lining?

Maybe the keys are in the lining!

They aren't.

I shake the jacket.

I hear keys.

They aren't in any pockets or the lining.

Or are they?

I pat it down again.

I feel the keys!!!

I HAVE THE KEYS IN MY JACKET!!

But where?

I'm befuddled.

And then I spot the secret hidden pocket I never knew about!!

I have a secret pocket!!

In my jacket.

SO TO SUM UP:

I'm the luckiest man on earth. I have a secret pocket so secret that I didnt even know it existed!

Secret pockets are pretty cool.

It's my new place for my keys.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I'm old.

I bought a Christmas present at Sears last night.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Kids laugh at the lamest jokes.

ME: "What was the funniest thing about Thanksgiving?

DAUGHTER: "When Grandpa starting telling his Jager stories."

ME: "Jager?"

DAUGHTER: "J├Ągermeister....it's a wicked strong drink."

ME: "And...?"

DAUGHTER: "And Grandpa drank a bunch of it and got really drunk and ended up in the closet."

ME: "Did he move like Jager?"

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Dr. Strange

ME:  "Hi...first time in?"


STRANGE: "I'm all about the jokes."


ME: "Excellent."


------
------

ME: "They are right over there."


STRANGE: "I should buy all of these and distribute them all around the country."


ME: "Yes."

---
---

STRANGE: "Look, Honey....DICE BAGS!"

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Thursday, November 08, 2012

It ain't his fault.


So President Obama was just re-elected.

In the coming four years you might not get everything that he promised.

Unemployment might go up, stock market might go down.

The National debt will increase.

Energy costs will skyrocket.

You probably wont get that free cellphone or free oil he promised.

But please don't blame Obama.

He inherited this mess.

From Obama.

Saturday, November 03, 2012

Sandy Aftermath


People still don't have power.

Homes destroyed.

Streets flooded.

A storm that actually lived up to expectations.

It might take years for some people to rebuild their lives.

Billions and billions of dollars of damage.

But this is my blog.

Let's talk about me.

I lost power at my house.

When it finally came back on I had to reset my clocks.

And now tonight is the end of Daylight Savings Time and I'll have to set my clocks AGAIN!

Never forget.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Ballad of Hurricane Sandy

So Hurricane Sandy hit yesterday.

You probably read about it.

Massive power outages, death and destruction.

Floods.

It lived up to expectations.

We lost power at 4:20 in the afternoon.

iPhones...checking emails. Texting and Facebook.

Cell phones slowly lost power.

No TV.

It got boring really fast once it got dark out.

10% battery charge left.

Save that for an emergency more dire than a hurricane.

At least it was warm.

Everything by candlelight.

We suffered thru the night.

Screw it...let's just go to sleep early.

Maybe the power will be on when we wake up?

It wasn't.

Wifey was still sleeping.

I decided I'd be a good guy and get some coffee and croissants.

So I drove around surrounding towns until I found some.

Trees and branches littered the roads.

Winds still gusting.

Rain pouring.

Finally got home.

Wifey was still sleeping.

I drank my coffee. Ate my croissant.

Wifey got up.

I told her I had coffee.

I could tell she thought it was nice that I went out in the storm to get it.

It was still dark in the house save for one flickering candle.

I noticed a bit of "coffee" that I spilled on the counter.

So I went to wipe it up.

Turns out it was crumbs from the flakey pastry thingy.

Here is the conversation that followed:

WIFEY: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!???  You're getting crumbs EVERYWHERE!!"

----

And that my friends is the carnage that we call.... Hurricane Sandy.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Bride and Frankenstorm

So Wifey and I were discussing the BIG STORM that's coming.

I suggested a few things in case we lose power.

Here is part of the conversation:

WIFEY: "We won't lose power."


--------

You see....Wifey has a special power. She knows what trees will fall and where they will fall.

They ain't falling near us or our power grid.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Election Game Changer

So a couple of minutes ago I was reading the news online.

The headline on an article proclaimed:

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN SPEAKS AT A CAMPAIGN STOP IN WISCONSIN.

Really?

A week and a half before the election the Vice President speaks at a campaign stop??

I wonder how many months of digging did the reporter do to find out this news?

Did his family wonder what he was doing making so many calls at all hours of the night?

I hope most of America reads his story.

It's a game changer.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Johnny Johnny Johnny Johnny Hoops Johnny...


So I'm in the Bank of America today and the teller suggests that I get the new Bank of America credit card.

He gestures to the sign behind me (That I took a picture of...as you can see)

I read it.

Earn cash back with no hoops.

Take a look on the bottom left of the picture.

What do you see?

I'll tell you what you see!!

You see HOOPS!!! line after line after line of HOOPS!!

I scolded the teller.

He denied the HOOPS!!

Even though the HOOPS were written in that tiny tiny tiny HOOPS size that we can barely read.



Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Ann Coulter calls Obama a retard

Doesn't she know that we don't use that word anymore?

She should have used the more politically correct 'mentally challenged'

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Blueberry Pancakes

Two gals came in the shop together. (One of them had short hair)

I spoke with one of them.

Here is the conversation.

GAL: "Do you have anything by Alison Bechdel?

ME: "I have 'Are You My Mother' and 'Fun Home'...she also did Dykes To Watch Out For but I'm out of stock on those."

GAL: "I was looking for Dykes."

Friday, October 19, 2012

Keep your paws off of my right shoulder!

So last night the Detroit Tigers beat the New York Yankees and won the America League pennant!

This morning I was reading about the game.

 I was also reading about AFTER the game.

I came across this:

'General manager Dave Dombrowski hugged Jim Leyland - who is in the final year of his contract - while owner Mike Ilitch rubbed the 67-year-old manager's right shoulder.'

-----

I guess I understand the hugging of the manager by the general manager.

I'm not quite sure of the rubbing of the RIGHT shoulder of the manager.

By the owner.

And why the right shoulder?  Is it some kinda gay code?





Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Purple Paint Guy

Purple Paint Guy: "Do you have any purple paint?"

Me: "Yup, it's right over here."

Purple Paint Guy: "I need some light colored purple that is darker."

Me: "Darker than what?"

Purple Paint Guy: "Light purple."

Me: "You want a medium colored purple paint?"

Purple Paint Guy: "Darker than medium."

Me: "Here..try this dark purple."

Purple Paint Guy: "No, that's too dark."

Me: Then try the light purple."

Purple Paint Guy: "Too light."

Me: "Do you like porridge?"

Purple Paint Guy: "What?"

Me: "Nevermind."

Saturday, October 13, 2012

This is all you really need to know about my family.


So last night I started spraying silly string at my wife and kids.

Oldest daughter laughed.

Youngest daughter looked serious and then went upstairs.

Wifey told me to knock it off and then commented on what the silly string smelled like.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Friday, October 05, 2012

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Corky the Weatherman


So the other day I'm listening to a long range weather forecast.

El Nino this.

High pressure that.

Warm water.

Last years mild winter.

Weather-Tard said that this coming winter was going to be rough.

El Nino High Pressure Warm Water Lows Highs

He said that the heaviest snow falls would come in...

Wait for it...

The heaviest snowfalls would come in January and February!!

You know...LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING WINTER, YOU STUPID RETARD!!!

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Next Project: Google Image Search Asshat

So one of my 'special' people came in today.

Here is the conversation:

NUT: "Are you mad at me?"

ME: "Why would I be mad at you?"

NUT: "I don't know...you seem angry with me."

ME: Why do you think that?"

NUT: I have Asperger's and I can't always tell when I'm annoying someone."

ME: "When you start annoying me I'll just smack you, okay?"

NUT: "I'd rather you just tell me."

ME: "Okay."

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Haircut talk

So I go to get my haircut the other night.

Me and the 'stylist' hit it off.

Here is part of the conversation:

HER: "So you want me to trim your eyebrows?"

ME: "No."

HER: "Your wife will really appreciate it."

ME: "Your husband will appreciate it if you lose about ten pounds."

HER: "I'll trim the eyebrows."

ME: "Okay."

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Waiting for Coffee

WIFEY: "What are you doing?"

ME: "I'm waiting for coffee."

WIFEY: "But what are you doing?"

ME: "I'm waiting for coffee."

WIFEY: "What are you doing in HERE?"

ME: "I'm waiting for coffee."

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Heavy Accent Guy

HEAVY ACCENT GUY: "Heavyaccent-heavyaccent-heavyaccent-heavyaccent?"

ME: "Nope."

HEAVY ACCENT GUY: "Heavyaccent-heavyaccent-heavyaccent-heavyaccent."

ME: "Okay...have a great week! Thank you!"

HEAVY ACCENT GUY: "Heavy-accent."

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Friday, September 21, 2012

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Memory loss

I'm getting old.

I woke up this morning and couldn't remember if Sylvia was married or single.

How could I not know that?

I was just about to call her.

Then I realized that she died in 1989.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Monday, September 17, 2012

Passive meet Aggressive

So Saturday night me and Wifey are coming home from dinner.

It's about 11:00 pm.

All of a sudden a car flies by me and passes me on the right.

On a single lane road.

I'm FURIOUS!

I press my horn down and speed up.

I keep the horn blaring!

Wifey is nervous.

"ARE YOU NUTS?? THEY COULD KILL US!!" she says.

I keep following them with my horn going. I'm right on their tail.

They finally pull over.

I pull over right behind them.

"DON'T GET OUT OF THE CAR! THEY MIGHT HAVE A GUN OR SOMETHING!" she says.

So I sit there. She's probably right. Why get killed just to prove a point?

They are still sitting in their car.

I decide to just go home.

I pull my car back onto the street.

We slowly drive by them.

Wifey turns her head towards them and gives them the finger.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Repent!

FREAK: "Hi...I'm Mike from Rhode Island and you need repentance." ME: "Hi...I'm {IANO} from {here} and you need to leave my store."

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Get Your Rocks in the Attic, Bobo

So I'm doing a project at home and I needed some rocks.

I guessed that I would need about 'three yards' of rock.

Turns out I only needed about 1/2 a yard of rocks.

So now I literally still have a ton of rocks.

That's it.

Nothing else to see.

I got ROCKS!!





Sunday, September 02, 2012

Smaht Cah

So last night Wifey and I were eating out at a restaurant.

We sat at the bar.

Two women were next to me and thoughout the night they were amusing us a bit.

Nothing wicked funny or anything...just amusing.

Then DrunkThing #1 dropped her purse.

Everything spilled out...ice was now broken. Wifey and I started to talking to them.

Here is part of the conversation:
DRUNKTHING#1: "...and people always make fun of my stupid Smart Car."

ME: "You have a stupid Smart Car?"

DRUNKTHING#1: "Yes...I love that stupid Smart Car."

ME: "Then why do you call it stupid?"

DRUNKTHING#1: "Because someone stole two pairs of boots out of it."

ME: "Stupid Smart Car."

DRUNKTHING#1: "You must think I'm a whore."

ME: "Stupid Smart Car."

Friday, August 24, 2012

Overheard in a parking lot.


Three fat chicks were standing WAY over there >.

Two guys were over THAT < way.

Here is what was said:

ONE OF THE GUYS: "HEY, COWS!!...there is grass on our dicks!!"

--


(I might have laughed)


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Todd Akin was wrong

And I have two daughters to prove it!!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Things you don't need to know about this past week's Buddy Nite.

We said the word 'Brony' over 200 hundred times.

Our table was reserved under the names Butch and Sundance.

We were called Hoagy and Cowboy as we left.

I stirred Hoag's drink with a French Fry.

As I got up to use the men's room I told Hoag to keep his paws off of my drink.

About an hour later he texted me a picture of him pawing my drink.

Salt got dumped into his drink.

We also spent a better part of the night discussing what charity we should get 100% involved in.


SO TO SUM UP:

One of the above statements is false.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

How does a politician get my vote?

So Mitt Romney just picked Paul Ryan as his running mate.

I never heard of him before.

So I read up on him.

Turns out he used to work for Oscar Mayer.

And he drove the Wienermobile.

He drove...The Wienermobile!

A heartbeat away and we have a guy that drove the Wienermobile in the Oval Office!

(He didn't actually drive it IN the Oval Office)

Come November I vote (R)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Three days later

And I come up with the best response ever!

EVER!

Hopefully someone, sometime in the future, will ask me if I sell Fitzwillies.

Cuz I'm ready for them!

Sunday, August 05, 2012

The Battle of the Olympic Male Bulge

So we were watching the Olympics the other night. Here is part of the conversation:

WIFEY: "Did you see that?"

ME: "What?"

WIFEY: "His package."

ME: "His package?"

WIFEY: "The bulge in his pants."

ME: "I wasn't looking there."

WIFEY: "You were looking there!!"

ME: "I don't look at male packages."

WIFEY: "What about on buddy nite?"

ME: "What the heck are you talking about?"

WIFEY: "You don't check out {real name} Hoagy?"

ME: "Why the heck would I check out Hoagy's package?"

WIFEY: "Aren't you curious?"

ME: "You're out of your mind."

WIFEY: "If you're behind him when you're walking into the restaurant do you look at him?"

ME: "You are nuts...I'm looking at chicks."

WIFEY: "You don't notice what {real name} Hoagy is wearing?"

ME: "Everybody notices what Hoagy is wearing."

Saturday, August 04, 2012

Sometimes I'm just gonna swipe a joke from Sarah Silverman.


So this old couple goes to Germany for vacation, and they're doing the whole tour.

And they get into a big fight on the bus, and they go on the tour of Auschwitz and they're not speaking to each other the whole time.

They get back on the bus and the husband says "You were right, I was wrong, I'm sorry."

And she says: "Oh, NOW you're sorry. Now that you ruined Auschwitz for me."

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

So the power is back on in India and what it means to you.

1. Female voices have returned to their normal dulcet tones.

2. With AC now pouring thru the whole country it is down to a chilling 108 degrees.

3. Sweet aroma of the famed Sewage River returns in all of its glory.

4. Car horns never needed electricity!! We kept on honkin', Bobo!

5. Children are back to being pleasant.

6. Trash Mountain is back in operation and locals flocked back as if they never left!

7. Squalor returns all around the countryside.

8. Hindu?

9. Do what?

10. Remind me of a man.

11. What man?

12. Man with the power.

13. Power of what?

14. Hindu.

15. Do what?

16. Remind me of a man...

Monday, July 30, 2012

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Have you ever heard a retarded guy sneeze?

It sounds just like a regular guy sneezing.

I was expecting more.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I will try to make some sense out of the Opening Ceremony at the Olympics.

Smokestacks come out of the ground while a bunch of Abe Lincolns smoke cigars and then they wheel in some kids on beds and the nurses tell them to be quiet (probably because the theme from the Exorcist is playing) then a gaggle of Mary Poppins-iz fly down and beat up monsters.

Bad actors roll up sod and then an inflatable house appears in the middle where 1960s pop is played while bad go-go dancing goes on.

The camera pans to a bored Queen (who earlier flew in with James Bond)

Then a chick loses her phone while bad pop music is played and then a guy finds her phone. This ushers in the digital age.

Something about health care, something about women's rights. Something about Mr. Bean and Chariots of Fire.

Then a bunch of athletes walk in (though very few swimmers).

The people from Bermuda wore Bermuda Shorts.

A Beatle sang a song at the end that had nothing to do with anything.

.
SO TO SUM UP:

I didn't make any of this up.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Generic Dandruff Shampoo

Yup.

That's what I use.

This morning I opened up a new one.

Generic store brand packaging.

Until I looked a little closer.

It told me it was 'Scalp-Tastic'

Guess what?

I'm having a great hair day.

The End.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

My thoughts are not with the families of the Aurora Dark Knight Massacre

They are mostly on that brown sugar cinnamon pop tart.

Sitting right there.

C'mere....



Friday, July 20, 2012

The Batman Shooting

You've probably read about by now.

Crazy loner shoots up a Colorado movie theatre killing 12 people.

So I've been reading the news about it.

I came across this gem:



'Police say the attack is not tied to terrorism and have thus far have provided no motive. Holmes' only known brush with authorities was a speeding ticket issued last October. Federal law enforcement sources told USA Today Holmes "was not on anybody's radar."  '

----

So let's break this down, shall we?

His only know brush with the law was a speeding ticket.

It is also stated that he 'was not on anybody's radar.'

Yet he got a speeding ticket??

I'm pretty sure he is gonna beat the speeding ticket rap.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Spider and the Smoke Detector

So last night around midnight the smoke detector goes off.

As per our pre-arranged fire plan nobody knew what to do.

I go wandering around the house looking for smoke.

No smoke. No fire. Just a blaring alarm.

Wifey informs me that it's probably a spider that set off the alarm.

So now I have to worry about fire breathing spiders!!!!

----

The screaming noise wouldn't stop so I went down to the basement and turned off the circuit breaker to the smoke alarms.

When I wake up in the morning Wifey left me a note:

THERE IS NO HOT WATER.

I guess I also turned off the circuit breaker to the water heater.

----

What have we learned?

Spiders are tiny little dragons.

Circuit breaker for smoke alarms also turns off water heater.

Saturday, July 07, 2012

NEW FEATURE: The wit and wisdom of Fran.

Fran stops in my store every so often.

He's been stopping in for the past four decades.

I wish I wrote down everything he has said.

You will come to love Fran. (He looks like Keith Richards)

-----

"I don't mind paying anything as long as it's the right price."

-----

"If I was in Tommy Hearns corner he would have won that fight.

He had him on the ropes and all he needed to do was JAB JAB JAB, instead he went for the face and lost."

-----

"Am I funnier than Peter?"

-----
FRAN: "How much are these?"

ME: "$4.00 each."

FRAN: "What if I buy six of them?"

ME: "$3.50 each if you buy six or more."

FRAN: "What if I just buy one?"

ME: "$4.00."

FRAN: "$3.50 sounds better."

----

FRAN: "I got new teeth."
[smiles]

ME: "What happened to the old ones?"

FRAN: "They got punched out. I have a temper."

----

New old song to be played at my funeral.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Hot Dog Harry

So I'm at the movie theatre the other night and I was hungry.

I hadn't had dinner yet.

What screams DINNER! more than a movie theatre hot dog?

If you said "NOTHING." then you would be correct.

So I go to the food counter.

Here is the conversation:

HOT DOG HARRY: "May I help you?"

ME: "Yes, I'd like a hot dog!"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you mind waiting twenty minutes?"

ME: "Yes."

HOT DOG HARRY: "Does that mean you want the hot dog?"

ME: "What was the question you asked me?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you mind waiting twenty minutes for the hot dog?"

ME: "And how did I answer you?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "You said yes."

ME: "So where are we?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you want a hot dog?"

ME: "Yes, but I mind waiting twenty minutes for one."

HOT DOG HARRY: "So should I order one for you?"

ME: "No. I'll just have a medium popcorn."

HOT DOG HARRY: "For only $1.00 more you can have a large popcorn."

ME: "What did I just order?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "A medium popcorn."

ME: "Correct. Thank you."

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Ice Cream Store

CUSTOMER: "I heard there is an ice cream store around here."

ME: "Yup...it's about a block down that way [I point] on this side of the street."

CUSTOMER: "A block what way?"

ME: "That way."

CUSTOMER: "Down there?"

ME: "Yes."

CUSTOMER: "What side of the street is it on?"

ME: "This side."

CUSTOMER: "The side we are on now?"

ME: "Yes. THIS side."

CUSTOMER:  "A block down that way, right?"

ME: "You're too young for Candid Camera, right?"

CUSTOMER: "I have a camera on my phone."

Monday, June 18, 2012

The Mason Jar Filled With Candy

So Friday night Wifey goes to a wedding without me.

I had to work that day so I couldn't go.

The bride had given each one of her guests a mason jar filled with penny-type candy.

Wifey doesn't much like candy.

 It just kinda sat there on the counter taunting me.

I like candy.

But anyhow...

So I wake up on Sunday morning and see a greeting card with my name on it.

In Wifey's handwritting.

It's Father's Day.

Wifey gets me a card for Father's Day.

The mason jar filled with candy is still on the counter a few feet away.

I look at the card.

 I look at the candy.

I don't open either one.

I look back at the candy.

It's time to shower so I go upstairs (with visons of sugar plums dancing in my head) (or something)

When I come downstairs I notice the mason jar filled with candy is now on top of my card.

I'm not even her father.



Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Part of a Leg Day

I was less than two years old when my Dad died.

I have one memory of him.

I can remember a little bit of his leg and a bit of a maroon robe he wore.

And his slippers.

He was standing by our front door.

I want to thank him for teaching me how to ride a bike.

And to play chess and Monopoly.

How to swim and how to use a lawn mower.

How to ride a horse and how to throw a baseball.

I want to thank him for teaching me how to read.

And how to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

I'd like to also thank him for teaching me to fish and for driving me to school.

For buying me my first car.

And that G. I. Joe.

Thanks Dad.

Or should I call you Mom?

Saturday, June 16, 2012

What if snack food companies also made cars?

(Sparkle Garden-Wagon Inspired Post)

1. Wheat Thins Am

2. Ritz-28

3. CamOreo

4. Teddy Grahams National

5. Chips A-Honda

6. TrisK.I.T.T.

7. Slimpala

8. Chevy Ho-Ho

9. El Dorito

10. Malibu-Mar

11. Breeze Whiz

(We haven't done one of these in years)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

It's a random passage from a random news story!

His friend died at the scene, he said.

No one answered when ABC News called Vines' phone number, but he told the AP that losing his friend was like losing a lung.

Saturday, June 09, 2012

Blog post that didn't quite make it.

I thought it would be funny to write a story about the 17 oz New York Cola Company.

Maybe something about them filing for bankruptcy.

And then I decided not to.

Old Baseball Cards

CUSTOMER: "Do you buy old baseball cards?"

ME: "Sometimes...mostly I'm looking for older ones."

CUSTOMER: "I have old ones."

ME: "How old?"

CUSTOMER: "I have a bunch from the 1300s."

ME: "I don't need them from that time period....thank you."

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

He remembers.

CUSTOMER: "I remember when comics were a nickel."

ME: "Yup."

CUSTOMER: "I also remember when they were five cents."

Sunday, June 03, 2012

Pepperidge Farms

Have you ever bought a Pepperidge Farm product?

The bread in particular?

You take off the little twisty-tie thingy on the bag and reach inside and take out the bread.

WRONG!

Pepperidge Farms is still living in 1947 and they have this inner crinkly wrapper thing inside that needs to also be opened.

I don't want to open two wrappers to get to my bread!

But Pepperidge Farms no doubt things it's quaint. It makes it fresher.

It ain't and it doesn't.

If my bread goes stale because it only has one wrapper I'll buy some more.

Join the 21st Century, Mister Pepperidge Farms!


Friday, June 01, 2012

Too many exceptions



This guy just came in the store and paid with foreign money...or was it counterfeit money? I seized it from him and asked for real money.

He feigned indifference.

 (I just said feigned)

I think Keith(?) is gonna have to forfeit his store privileges if he does that again.

He normally spends most of his leisure time reading comics so he either has to come up with American money next time or maybe get a neighbor to help him out.

Or something.

Not that it has anything to do with the story but his height had to have been at least six feet eight inches and his weight was upwards of 300 pounds....not that I weighed him!


Weird, huh?


It's gone viral. Pass it around.