So the other day I needed a new cell phone battery so I went to the Verizon Store in the mall.
ME: "Hi...do you have a cell phone battery for this?"
SCUM-SUCKING WEASEL: "Let me check....ummmm...yes we do. It's $40.00."
ME: "No thank you!"
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So I walked down the mall and found another phone place:
ME: "Hi...do you have a cell phone battery for this?"
DOLT: "They're $50.00 but we don't carry them."
ME: "If you don't carry them why don't you just not carry them at $3.00?"
DOLT: :::blank puzzle genius stare:::
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So I walked down the mall some more and found another phone place:
ME: "Hi...do you have a cell phone battery for this?"
TOM: "Yes we do...they are $40.00"
ME: "I'll give you $20.00 but first you have to swear on my child's life that it's brand new."
TOM: "$20 is fine and I SWEAR it's brand new."
ME: "You better not be fucking me."
TOM: "I swear."
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So now we just sit and wait and find out if my kid dies before the battery.
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29 comments:
How come the third guy is "Tom" but the first guy is a "Scum-Sucking Weasel" and yet they both charged you the same outrageous price for a new cell phone battery?
(Up here, new batteries are free.)
(That stuff in brackets might be a lie...maybe.)
I believe it's Bush's fault that batteries are so expensive and I intend to CHANGE it.
You realize that Tom did not work there, correct? Sold you his cell phone battery, took your 20 bucks, "worked the register," gave you an old receipt, waved as you left, and scurried out after you.
Only a puzzle genius could figure this scam out.
(Bush is clearly responsible for you being so gullible.)
Psstttt, hey Sparkle...can I interest you in a "new" cell phone battery?
What a wonderful new era for America! I'm still in New Hampshire dealing with my nearly destroyed condo (darn that Al Gore and his "global warming" that caused my hot water pipe to freeze and burst) but I'm hopeful (not full of fear) that the temperature will be a beautiful 74 degrees beginning tomorrow (and flowers will bloom all year long) since Barack Obama has taken over. God bless him! Our whole earth will be better now that the evil George Bush is gone...(even though he kept us safe for 7 years, was never charged with a crime, never actually caught in a lie (although many people still wrongly believe that he did)and he gave a tax break to EVERY American who paid income taxes (not just the top earners as most of the media makes it seem)...George must really be an evil man to do that stuff to us. But it doesn't matter anymore...it's a dawning of a new age for America. Free cell phone batteries for everyone from now on! Thank you government!
"If you don't carry them why don't you just not carry them at $3.00?"
Great line, wasted on "Dolt."
"$20 is fine?" So, did Tom work at a flea market?
Why, yes, Tom! How much would you like for that "new" cell phone battery? You'd like $20? Gosh, no! That doesn't seem like it's enough. Here, let me give you $80! What's that? You also own a nice bridge you think I'd like? COOL!
All the bitter vitriol and negativity about George Bush around here makes me very, very sad. George Bush saved my life. In 'Nam.
Sparkle,
Actually, George was with me during 'Nam...crawling across the border into Canada. I'm allergic to bullets.
PS. I blame George W. Bush for $33.00 per barrel oil right now! How dare he make gasoline affordable for us?! (Oh wait...we can only blame him when the prices go way up...sorry...I mis-read the rule book.)
Cousin Saul,
I'm sure I would have been with you and George...crawling across the border into Canada. I share your allergy to bullets.
P.S. I know. Affordable gasoline is a terrible, terrible thing. And, I had a hang-nail last week that I'm pretty sure Bush caused.
P.P.S. Will you have another chapter coming soon? Hope so. I just couldn't find any words to comment on your last chapter, but I'm still a faithful reader.
Sparkle,
I should have had the next chapter done about three weeks ago, but we had a disaster at our home in New Hampshire so we had to drive up there to rebuild the home. I hope to be back in Florida in another week so I can start to finish up this overly long story...I'm not enjoying the 21 degrees below zero weather of New Hampshire. Thanks for reading my blog!...Cousin Saul (now feeling more mellow)...
Cousin Saul: You're right about that "Blaming Bush" rule book. We are not allowed to give him credit for lower gasoline prices, but did you notice that right before he left office, gasoline prices started going back up? I blame him for that!
But you have to go back to Canada if you want those free cell phone batteries. I'm not going, though. I'm staying here waiting for that 74 degree weather.
And hey, don't expect all those changes overnight. He's going to need four years or so to set all the machinery in place. Then, if we really want to see everything implemented, we have to give him another four years. Isn't that pretty much the way they all do it?
"I'm not enjoying the 21 degrees below zero weather of New Hampshire."
Maybe you shouldn't own property in NH (dummy) :D
Stupid evil George Bush for leading the entire world in a positive direction by DOUBLING the amount of money given by the USA for aid to Africa to fight the spread of AIDS and malaria. I know...I know...he only did it for the oil.
Cake,
Actually, the evil George Bush actually made my purchase of my second (luxury) home in New Hampshire possible by cutting the tax rate for (the evil) rich people like me. (he also cut the tax rates on EVERY taxpayer in the USA by the same percentage...it's just that "us-rich-folks" would get more dollars in savings with a 6 percent tax cut...mean ol' George!
Actually...I wish I had NOT bought this (luxury) home in New Hampshire now...Hey...new Prez...howabout a bailout?
Dear Cousin Saul:
I mostly pick on Bush around here to get people hopping around and fuming. Call it my hobby.
::big innocent smile::
p.s.
Sorry to hear about your home problems...good luck getting it all sorted out!! I'm still reading the eBay blog, too, just haven't had any good comments either.
True fact: George Bush invented ice cream, cuddly puppies, and the alphabet.
Also: Following George Bush's presidency, I can walk. Of course, I could walk before. But, I can still walk! And, I can walk fast.
And I try not to write anything political without it being obviously tongue-in-cheek, otherwise I get people making up new aliases so they can attack me for saying things I never said.
where obama said he'd cure all disease
Attacking RantZ! Attacking RantZ!
What did you just call me, David'z???
JINX!!!
HA! JINX to you, Ca-ALIAS!
YEAH!
Stupid Bush for going to the liquor store and buying me a bottle of wine to drink with LOST tonight!
Wait...never mind, I got confused.
And Michael Moore chanted: "Bush Lied, Cake got loaded!"
I'm going to play a drinking game, Saul...I'm going to have a sip of wine every time something happens on LOST that we can blame on Bush.
Or something.
You needed to ask for a "non-historic" battery.
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