Thursday, September 04, 2008

Dining alone antics.

On my way home last night I stop at a restaurant and saunter up to the bar to eat.

By myself.

Here is how the conversation goes:

VICTIM: "Hi! What can I get for you tonight!?"

ME: "I'll just have the classic hamburger."

VICTIM: "How would you like that?"

ME: "Soon and delicious!"

VICTIM: "No...I mean how would you like that cooked?"

ME: "I really don't know...I don't know how to cook hamburgers."

VICTIM: "How do you normally get them?"

ME: "Quickly and delicious."

VICTIM: "Would you like that medium?"

ME: "How about large?"

VICTIM: "No...I mean do you want that cooked medium?"

ME: "I don't know what that means."

VICTIM: "Medium is not rare or over's kinda in the middle."

ME: "I would like a hamburger soon, delicious, and in the middle. Or something."

VICTIM: "Am I on Candid Camera?"

ME: "How do you know what Candid Camera look all of 30 years old?"

VICTIM: "I just know what it I on it?"

ME: "No."

VICTIM: "Are you just screwing with me?"

ME: "Maybe."

VICTIM: "You should never screw with us wait staff BEFORE you get your food."

ME: "When am I getting my food?"

VICTIM: "Soon."

ME: "And how will it be?"

VICTIM: "Delicious."

ME: "Thank you."


The food and saliva were awesome. And she got a great tip.


absolutely not cake said...

I refuse to post until someone else does. The mockery ends here!

freddy mcfly said...

Glad to help you out, lovely Cake!

cake said...

Thanks, Freddy!

So, to sum up further:

There's a reason IANO dines alone. Constantly.

cousin saul said...

Mt version of wifey just rolls her eyes when a waitress asks me how I'd like my steak cooked and I reply,"With heat."
I guess cousin Steve and I are similar in a few odd ways.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, she got a nice tip...

and you got a hamburger stuffed with fingernail clippings, snot and doubtless other bodily substances not mentionable in a PG-rated blog.

Hope it was delicious...

-- Lamont "Fuck With The Wait Staff After They Bring You Your Food, But Before They Bring You The Bill, And Leave A Nice Tip" Cranston

cake said...

She probably got a kick out of it...retail and fast food people can tell when someone's being funny and when someone's just bein' a jerk.

(I've been known to answer "Will that be all?" with " peace, too, please." Just cuz.)

Aren't we due for a movie review soon?


Redbeard76 said...

Fast food burger bus: You want anything on that cheeseburger?

Me, eyeing the condiment stand to the side: A bun and a plate.

a myspace friend said...

Just couldn't stop at myspace, huh...

David'Z RantZ said...


I think you're giving most retail and fast food people too much credit. But it is great when they catch on, and join the fun. I'm used to blank stares from the people I usually play these games with.

I once went to a Brooks Pharmacy. There were two doors. The door on the left had an "ENTER" sign on it. By the door handle was a smaller sign which said "PULL." The door on the right had an "EXIT" sign on it. By the door handle was a smaller sign which said "PULL."

As I was paying for my purchases, I casually asked the clerk why they bothered to tell me how to enter the "EXIT" door, since marking it "EXIT" clearly implied that they did not want me to enter thropugh that door.

All I got was a look that said, "Dude, I work here fifteen hours a week, after school, and I don't have any time for your crap."


IANO: Wow, that Sarah really is a babe.

David'Z RantZ said...

Whenever I fill a prescription, they ask "Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?" and I say "Yeah. Who played the butler in 'My Fair Lady?' "