Friday, August 17, 2007

Help Wanted

So this morning I see a help wanted sign in the window of a Dunkin' Donuts and it says:

"Pour America's #1 coffee."

A few things came to mind.

1. Are donuts no longer part of the job qualifications?

2. If they don't hire you, should you just shoot yourself?'re not qualified to pour coffee.

3. Where does one learn how to pour coffee BEFORE they apply for said job?

The reasoning behind today's blog?

I was gonna goof on the three dead miners that tried to 'rescue' the six probably dead miners but thought it more fun to make fun of coffee pouring dolts.

I'm pretty sure at least ONE of the dead miners could pour coffee.


cake said...

"3. Where does one learn how to pour coffee BEFORE they apply for said job?"

Google has an answer for everything.

Sparkle Plenty said...

I'm pretty sure there's a whole minor league/farm system. You gotta work your way up by serving time in the podunk towns, pouring sham coffees such as Sanka and Postum.

Lois Lane said...

And is it best to apprentice, or should you go to coffee pouring school? I wonder how many semesters you have to complete before you can try espresso.

And I'd imagine advanced degrees are required for those Coolata things.

Anonymous said...

I LIVE for donuts !!

Anonymous said...

Those seeking true enlightenment go on retreats with Juan Valdez. He won't even let newbies TOUCH a coffeepot for the first six months: They start off making a hot beverage out of boiled freeze-dried burro dung.

When this period is over, Valdez lets students move to the coffee trees, where they pick the beans for another six months. Students endure the indignity of having the burro periodically pee all over them. Sometimes Valdez pees on them, too.

After an 18-month period amid the trees, students finally move up to the roasting ovens. Once there, they are taught the fine art of roasting by nationality. They stay at this stage until they can identify a bean roasted American, Italian, French or Sumatrian style blindfolded, using only their senses of taste and smell. Sometimes Valdez slips in one of his kidney stones as an object lesson.

When students have mastered the roasting phase, they move to the grinders. The noise of the machinery is unsettling to the burro, and those acolytes who fail to take precautions (stuffing the beast's ears with cotton) are usually rewarded with a swift kick in the slats. And then Valdez pees on them again.

The swiftest students usually comprehend the difference between espresso grind, gold filter grind and paper filter grind within another 12 months. At this point, training intensifies and Valdez escorts them to the percolator, the drip-maker, and that little machine that hisses and puts a bit of foam atop an espresso. This officially marks the last time either Valdez or the burro will pee on them as part of their training, although informal peeing sessions are known to take place occasionally after study hours are over.

On graduation day -- two years after the first introduction to the percolator -- Valdez himself tosses students' tassles from the left to the right side of the cappucino-colored mortar board hat.

At this point, student resumes are forwarded to Dunkin' Donuts for review.

Long story short: You don't have a chance.

-- Lamont "Can I Get You A Cup Of Coffee?" Cranston

bacon ace said...

"2. If they don't hire you, should you just shoot yourself?'re not qualified to pour coffee."

No no no. you're just not qualified to pour America's #1 coffee. You can still work at Honey Dew with the rest of the tards.

cake said...

And folks who work at America's #1 coffee place aren't qualified to work at Canada's* #1 coffee place. Sorry, just wanted to point it out.

(*Don't bother pointing out that it's owned by Americans now...I'll deny it, anyways.)

Sparkle Plenty said...

Wow. You just blew the lid off that one for me Lamont. Juan Valdez always seemed so smiley 'n stuff...He also must drink a lot of liquids. Same goes double for the burro.

Cake: As a fairly new Canadian--still cleaning maple candies out of my hair--what is Canada's #1 coffee place that is not owned by Americans? Thank goodness that wasn't on the quiz.

cake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...


Why do you think Dunkin' Donuts calls it the "#1" coffee, hmm?

-- Lamont "#1 Son" Cranston

bella said...

I'm disapointed. I thought you may have mentioned the candle vigils for Elvis.

With gowns.

Sparkle Plenty said...

Good point. Didn't they spell out O-V-E-R-D-O-S-E in candles?!

Albert Descheenie said...

More miners will give their life to save the trapped miners. It is a very good message that there are people still on earth that care about other people even if it means giving their life to rescue the trapped miners. No one should give up hope. We should never throw in the towel or throw the shovel out. We should not wash our hands and give up. Our digging and our dedications in the rescue effort means that in our heart the trapped miners are still alive. Therefore, we must continue digging and drilling to rescue them. If we stop the rescue effort then we are admitting that the trapped miners are dead. We are keeping the trapped miners alive as we continue to digging and drill to rescue them.

Albert Descheenie, Window Rock, Arizona

bacon ace said...

Careful Albert,
You maye be digging up Schroedinger's cat there. If you neve rdig them up then they're still alive.

Oh and does anyone else find it ironic that people are dting to dig up dead people only so that they can have a "proper burial"?

bacon ace said...

Ugh, me am typo good.