Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Today's Horoscope



ARIES (March something-April something)
Your cancer treatment will take a turn for the worse. Later in week you'll find a lucky quarter. Money might be a problem or maybe not. By end of week cancer treatment will take an even worse turn.

TAURUS (April something-May something)
You will find an unlucky dime. Later in the week you will buy a Ford Taurus.

GEMINI (Probably June sometime)
You will find a lucky losing lottery ticket. Your hair will fall out from the chemo. Your lucky numbers are 1, 7 and 922.

CANCER (uh-oh)

LEO (July or August)
You will be torn to shreds by a lion...oh no wait...it was a tiger! You will find a lucky skin graft.

Virgo (Septemeber?)
You will die a virgin. You will be buried in lucky coffin.

Libra (October)
You will weigh yourself...it is NOT a lucky scale.

Scorpio (October 23rd)
Everything good will happen to you forever. You will hang out with a guy named Hoagy.

Sagittarious (Nov-December )
Good time to travel...just not by plane ,train,bus,car,or boat. Your floating skills might come in handy. You don't have a lucky number.

and the other signs are just loser signs all pointing to death and poverty.

6 comments:

Sparkle Plenty said...

Assholeway. But, I'm psyched about my lucky coffin. Actually...Maybe the stars said, "Lucky coughdrop"?!

cake said...

Oh, wow - everything good will happen to me forever!

I'm so glad I'm a Scorpio.

Momenger said...

Too late for the first part of my horoscope (Virgo)

And no lucky coffins for me-my plan is to become a pile of ashes which my loved ones will spread over a very crowded outdoor cafe in the middle of summer.

Yum.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Dear Momenger,

Your virginity reverts back to you every Saturday night.

Or Friday if that's the night you go out.

Jay Blogger said...

I'm a Cancer. People wonder why I call Horoscopes "Horrorscopes" ... your post just cleared that up.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Dear Jay,

Cancer is never a good sign.