Funny New Year's Resolutions

I hate them.

They're never funny.

Meanwhile back at the Toolbooth.

The Ticketmaster Booth

So yesterday I'm in The Mall when I spot a Ticketmaster booth.

(Hmmmm.....that's a good idea)

Maybe I'll get a couple of tickets to a cool show for my daughter.

Or something.

Here is the conversation at the Ticketmaster booth:

ME: "Hi...may I see a list of upcoming events?"

TICKETMASTER: "Oh, we don't have a list. You'd have to know what you want beforehand for us to search our data base."

ME: "May I please have two tickets to The Beatles at Shea Stadium..."

SpotA R1 from Michael Guerity on Vimeo.

Now picture Homer Simpson saying "Mmmmmm....frozen meats!"

(Most stores tend to offer Fresh Meats. Wal-Mart seems to like Reagan era surplus frozen meat)

Don't you love that Wal-Mart has a sliced cheese department?

I've been making fun of Wal-Mart but found this one shot from Target. It's a lonely Jewish Candle Holder on clearance. With some other crap.

The politician of snack foods. (another in our Wal-Mart series of posts)

Let's take a look at this snack.

Clearly it's trying to be something for everyone.

It's baked! So it must be healthy!

It's wheat! So it must be American!

It's crispy! People LOVE crispy!

It's part of the cracker family! People love the cracker family!

It's in the ever popular stick form! People love the stick form in their snacks!

It's honey AND butter flavored! Honey is awesome by itself....toss in some butter and you have super awesome!

Ten packs per box! Folks love packs of snacks inside boxes of snacks!

Only 100 calories per pack!

Cute picture of the the Snack Mascot!

Do I need to mention it's a Pringles product?

My Trip To Wal-Mart

The type of merchandise a store carries usually tells a lot about the type of customer that shops there.

I went into Wal-Mart yesterday. A filthy hellhole if ever there was one.

The homeless freak clanging his bell in the front of the store for donations to his 'Army'

The stretch pants.

I think this whole week will be devoted to what I saw at Wal-Mart.

All photos were taken by me.

Dolores

I'm at a family Christmas party last night.

Here is part of a conversation:

---

GIRL COUSIN: "Do you have a vulva?"

ME: "No...I have a penis."

GIRL COUSIN: "I said do you have a Volvo...you're blocking Billy in the driveway."

ME: "Yes....I will go move it."

BBQ and Sewer Repair shop.

Why did The Beatles cross the Abbey Road?

To get to the other side.

Thirty years ago today Sgt. Pepper taught something.

Outside his home, with his wife, shot down.

Here we have him performing with the great Doris Day.

Remember Pearl Harbor?

Happy Hanukkah

The Dull Monster (If I named this post Avocado it would give away the punchline)

For years and years and years the fear was there.

I was afraid.

Monsters.

And then they were gone for a few weeks.

Scared.

Then BAM!... they would appear again.

I did my best to stay away.

In fact, I was very good at staying away.

My whole life passed without contact.

I knew they were around but most of the time I didn't even give them a second thought.

Until they popped up.

And I would recoil in fear.

GET AWAY!!

That's how I thought anyhow.

Years and years and years.

And then this past Saturday night we went to The Brit's house for dinner.

And she put the avocados on the salad.

And I ate them. Because I'm polite. And they didn't taste at all like I thought they would!

They weren't as good as Green Eggs and Ham, but they weren't bad either. Kinda bland tasting.

Decades of fear out the window.

Avocado: You dull son of a bitch!

#72 in a series of rude comments I've made at The Brits house.

ME: "That's good that you were able to get this many people together that like over-cooked pasta."

Mel Gibson and The Beaver.

I guess Jodie Foster directed Mel in some movie called The Beaver slated for release next year.

Here is a sentence from a new article about said film. Make sure you have your ten dollars ready to buy a ticket.
---

'Foster has remained supportive of Gibson, and has described the actor's performance in "The Beaver" as "one of his most powerful and moving performances." In the film, Gibson plays a troubled husband who begins to communicate solely through a beaver hand puppet.'

Name That Car!

So the other day my youngest daughter bought her first car. A used one.

Here is a mash-up of text and actual conversations that have since taken place with me ,her, and Wifey.

ME: "So...did you you name the car yet?"

DAUGHTER: "No."

ME: "How about Russell?"

DAUGHTER: "No."

ME: "How about The Bull?"

DAUGHTER: "No."

ME: "Don't you want to name it?"

DAUGHTER: "No."

WIFEY: "You have to name a car. Well, used cars you have to name."

Hey you! Nancy Pelosi...how big is your penis?