Asshole

GAL: "Nobody has ever called me an asshole before."

ME: "Maybe not to your face..."

Tornadoes

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Do you think tornadoes have faces?"

ME: "No."

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Oh....I always thought they did."

I wanted a hot dog.

Last night I'm at a concert.

I'm hungry...I want a hot dog. I go stand in line for said hot dog.

::taptaptap:::

Waiting in line.

A woman turns to me.

Here is the conversation:

WOMAN: "What are you doing?"

ME: "I'm waiting in line."

WOMAN: "For what?"

ME: "A hot dog."

WOMAN: "Seems to me that you're more interested in buns."

ME: "Huh?"

WOMAN: "This is the line for the ladies room."

And the winner is...

 

So a few months ago The Rolling Stones announced a tour. Two shows in Boston...one on a Wednesday, one on a Friday.

 

Hoag wants to go to both but I'm busy on Wednesdays.

 

He buys tickets for both shows...$600.00 a ticket. I'll just go to the Friday show with him, he'll take someone else for the Wednesday show.

 

The Stones rolled into town last night.

 

It was around 5:00 in the afternoon on Wednesday and it started gnawing at me that I wasn't going to the show. I had no tickets, I had to work, etc.

 

I texted Wifey. Meet me at the shop and we'll try to sneak into the show. If we can't get in we'll just have dinner and hang around outside the Garden.  (I could practically feel the eyeroll)

 

But she sacked up and said ok.

 

We drive in the Boston Garden. Park the car. Go inside.

 

I see a cop. He asks what I'm doing. I reply: "I want tickets." He points to a ticket window. I ask for two of the cheapest tickets (I've seen the Stones dozens of times...I dont need $600.00 tickets) ...I score two $150.00 seats.

 

I escort my bride to her seat and then go back out to get some hot dogs and drinks.

 

Who do I bump into? Yup...Mister $600.00 seats himself...Hoag!

 

He starts cracking up that I got in. We compare tickets. We are in the same EXACT section!!

 

But I'm seven rows IN FRONT of him!!!

 

He looks perplexed.

 

He spent $900.00 extra on crappier seats.

 

I smile.  Stuff like this has happened before.

 

Wifey thinks I'm lucky.

 

I make my own luck.

 

So who is the winner?

 

You're probably thinking me, correct?

 

That would be a good guess.

 

Until I get to my seat.

 

Hoag texts me from seven rows behind me.

 

He texts me a picture of the back of my head.

 

I have a bald spot!!!

 

And that my friends is why Hoag is the winner and still champion!



Saltines

I need you to pretend that the following happened to me last night.

If I told you it actually happened about two months ago you would think I'm fake ranting.

But it happened last ::winkwink:: night.

I got some sardines.

I went to get the saltine crackers.

"Hey Honey...where are the saltines?"

"In the drawer!"

So I look in the drawer.

I see a box.

The box states that they are indeed saltines.

I open the box.

I GASP!!

The saltines aren't in protective sleeves! The saltines are just kinda in the box as if they were cereal! Or something.

That's not the worst part!!!

THE SALTINES ARE ROUND!!!

What the heck is that all about???

Round and saltines just don't go together.

It's stupid.

I look at the tin of sardines.

I look at round saltines.

How bad could it possibly be?

REAL BAD...THAT'S HOW BAD!!

Round saltines are the devil's food.

The sardine kinda doesn't fit.

I don't think they put as much salt on the ine.

I hope that the guy who invented round saltines gets the throat cancer.

86 dollars.

So I go into Home Depot recently to buy some stuff.

The lady scans my items.

Here is the conversation that follows:

LADY: "And that will be eighty six dollars and....OH MY GOD! That will be eighyt six dollars on the nose! Can you believe that? Eighty six dollars even! That's SO weird! That never happens!! Eighty six dollars even!"

ME: "Wow."

They Fix Lamps

So I'm driving down the road today when I spot a sign on the side of the road.

WE FIX LAMPS

So I thought to myself: "What would I do if one of my lamps didnt work?"

I'd buy a new one.

It would never occur to me to fix a lamp.

I can see a lamp smashing to pieces if it fell off a table or something....but do lamps ever really stop working?

Ever?

I've never heard of such a thing.

"Honey! The lamp isn't working again!! Call the repair guy!!"

Two things happen to lamps...

1. They fall on the floor and smash into a million pieces.

Or...

2. They work forever.

WE FIX LAMPS guy is probably not wealthy.

He's also pretty lonely.

And what's with the sign saying 'WE'????

Is there really a bunch of guys "fixing" lamps?

A massive building filled with lonely guys not doing anything?

They Fix Lamps.

Printer Ink

So today I received some 'spam' (unwanted advertising via electronic "mail") and it proudly proclaimed "Now get printer ink even easier!"

Really?

Is getting printer ink difficult?

I usually have to walk about 14 feet into an Office Max to get mine.

Sometimes I have to enter my credit card number online and then wait for it to be sent to me.

I'm exhausted.

I wish there was an easier way to get...Printer Ink!

Kayleigh

I just met a girl named Kayleigh.

I wanted to punch her parents for naming her Kayleigh.

The Smirk

So I'm doing some Google Image Searches the other day.

I type in SMIRK.

What I thought would be the first hit, WAS the first hit.

I was happy with myself.

So I asked Hoag what he thought would be the first hit.

Hoag instantly gets the correct answer.

I then ask Cousin Saul.

He gets it right in a nano second.

I ask a few male customers.

They don't hesitate. They all get it right.

I get home.

I ask Wifey.

A blank look on her face.

I ask future Wifey.

Nothing.

I ask my daughter.

Blank stare.

I come into work the next day and ask a few more women.

"If you google image search SMIRK what's the first thing that comes up?"

None of them have a clue...mostly lame guesses.

I tell the women the correct answer.

Bruce Willis.

One of them actually says to me "I haven't thought about Bruce Willis in twenty years."

What????

I can't think of a day when I haven't thought of Bruce Willis.

And that my friends is the difference between men and women.

::smirk::

I don't like the band RUSH

 

Last night I was watching the 2013 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

 

The last act to be inducted was RUSH.

 

I don't like RUSH.

 

Never have.

 

But I decided to watch them anyhow.

 

There are three guys in the band RUSH.

 

The drummer is awesome and he writes the lyrics (something about Tom Sawyer in one of the songs)

 

But just cuz the drummer has a bit of talent doesn't mean I like the band RUSH...cuz I don't.

 

I don't like RUSH.

 

(You already see where this is going, dontcha?)

 

Then I started paying attention to the lead guitar player.

 

The guy was doing stuff on a guitar that I really didnt know was possible.

 

I never really saw or listened to RUSH before...sometimes they'd pop up on the radio or somthing.

 

I never cared for them. Just cuz the lead guitar was amazing doesn't mean I like RUSH. I don't like RUSH. Never have.

 

Then I started to pay attention to the lead singer/bass player.

 

The dude kinda makes the bass guitar cool. He also was doing stuff that I never really saw a guitar player do.

 

And his voice? Distinctive.

 

Good? I have no clue. He sings rock and roll songs.

 

Does it matter if it's good?

 

I don't like RUSH in spite of the drummer being amazing (and writing the lyrics), the guitar player outplaying most other guitar players and a bass player that is the lead singer (he does have a cool name...Geddy Lee)

 

But I don't like RUSH.

 

I'll never buy any RUSH music or see them in concert.

 

Just because they are awesome doesn't mean I have like them.

 

I never liked RUSH, never will.

 

How the heck did they get in the Hall of Fame?

 

 

 



ixnay on handshaking-ay

So this guy comes in the shop the other day and offers out his hand to shake with me.

Here is the conversation that follows:

ME: "Nah...I don't shake hands."

HIM: "Why...ya got that germ phobia?"

ME: "Nope."

HIM: "So why won't you shake my hand?"

ME: "You're black."

HIM: "Actually I'm more brown."

ME:  ::::fistbump::

---

Six seconds of awesome.

Happy Birthday, Dinkweed!

Your new favorite baseball player of all time!

Have you ever said something that you instantly wished you could take back?

Last night it happened to me.

I was sitting at a restaurant bar finishing up my dinner.

The bartender approached me.

Here is the conversation:

BARTENDER: "Would you like another beer?"

ME: "Negatory, Big Ben!"



-------

I'm now quoting bad songs from the 1970s to bartenders.

Conan

KID: "Look...Conan O'Brien has his own comic!"

DAD: "Different Conan....that's the barbarian."

KID: "Huh?"

The Homeless Guy

So this homeless guy is standing outside of my shop.

Long beard.

Dirty clothes.

Flood pants.

Flip-flops on his filthy feet.

Long fingernails.

Tattered shopping bags stuffed with newspapers.

You know, homeless.

Did I mention I put a large box of record albums outside today for FREE?

The Homeless Guy spots said records.

FREE RECORDS!

And what does he do?

He starts taking the records out of the sleeves and inspecting them for scratches.

CUSTOMER: "Do you have the tin dog from Doctor Who?"

ME: "Sorry...we're all sold out of the tin dog."