Describe That Guy!

We have a new game to play.

It's quite simple.

I will tell you one sentence that a man just spoke as he walked by my store.

You have to describe him without every seeing him.

Simple, huh?

OVERHEARD WALKING BY MY SHOP:  "This store is da shit!"

And the game begine in 3....2....1....GO!

No.

GUY: "Do you fix toys?"

ME: "No."

GUY: "How about helicopters?"

ME: "No."

The longest delayed response ever.

MY BROTHER:  "Why did you and Hoagy kick us out of your hotel room after the Alice Cooper concert?"

ME: "Huh?"

MY BROTHER: "In New York City."

ME: "Oh, cuz you guys were drunk."

-----

(the Alice Cooper concert he speaks about was 33 years ago)

A day in the life

CUSTOMER: "What is this?"

ME: "The Millenium Falcon."

CUSTOMER: "What is it?"

ME: "A toy."

CUSTOMER: "What do you do with it?"

ME: "You play with it."

CUSTOMER :shaking the Miillenium Falcon: "What's inside of it?"

ME:  "Han and Chewie."

Suit Update!

I got it.

It's a suit.

Boomer and the Crunch Bunch

So the picture says I LOVE CVS but the story is really about Macy's.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Macy's to buy a suit, a shirt and a tie.

My first ever suit. I'm a grown-up now.

The guy with the tape measure around his neck helped me out, measured me up, suggested a tie, etc.

He put the wax marks on my suit for the alterations that I would need. He took down my name and phone number. He even gave me HIS employee discount on my purchase.

(was he hitting on me?)

Anyhow...he said it would take a couple of weeks to get the suit back from the tailor and that they would call me (that's why he took my phone number)

My cell phone rings today.

I pick up the phone. Here is the conversation:

ME: "Hello?"

CINDY: "Hi...is Steve there?"

ME: "This is Steve. May I help you?"

CINDY: "Well...my name is Cindy and I work at the CVS in FARAWAY-TOWN."

ME: "And....?"

CINDY:  "Well, today UPS delivered a package to me here and I thought it was for my husband but I think it's for you."

ME: "What's in the package...my OXY?"

CINDY: "It's a man's suit."

ME: "What man?"

CINDY: "It's a new suit from Macy's."

ME: "Crap...that's MY suit!! For my daughter's wedding!!"

CINDY: "I order a lot from Macy's...someohow they shipped it to me by mistake."

ME: "Can you ship it to me?"

CINDY: "Yes."

blah blah blah details address thank you laughs etc

----------

The point of the story?

My first daughter is getting married and I bought my first suit ever.

.... and it's coming from a drug store.

And for some reason that amuses me.

Rules of the Wedding

My daughter is getting married this year.

Last night my wife told me the rules of the wedding:

1. "Don't just be goofing around with Hoagy all night."

There were no other rules.

Where Hitler and Stalin first met.

(Or was this where me and Hoagy first met?)

So the ugliest woman that ever walked the face of the planet dies and all of the news agencies only report on Helen Thomas dying.

Typical left leaning media.

RIP Weasel

One of my long time good friends died today.

Two things you need to know about him:

1. He wasn't an asshole.

2. He was the driver of the car in the infamous bowling shoe caper of 1975.

More thoughts on Trayvon

So Trayvon was basically found guilty of assault, correct?

I'm thinking maybe George Zimmerman should sue Trayvon's family for emotional distress and court costs.

Cyndi Lauper

Somehow I ended up at a Cyndi Lauper concert last night.

One guy kept rushing the stage. The security would kinda drag him back to his seat.

He would rush it again.

Security would bring him back to his seat.

This went on a handful of times.

Wifey then leans over to me and informs me that Cyndi Lauper is an advocate for retarded people.

Apparently the guy rishing the stage was a retard!

(as am I for attending a Cyndi Lauper concert)

What else do you need to know about the Cyndi Lauper "concert"?

We walked out after the 6th song and demanded our money back.

Why did we walk out?

Because the bitch doesnt stop TALKING!!!  We paid to listen to her sing.

-----

You know on the internet someone will claim SOMETHING. IS. THE. WORST. THING. EVER!!?

Well....THIS. WAS. THE. WORST. CONCERT. EVER.

The Trayvon Martin Trial

It's now in the hands of the jury.

We've seen and heard the evidence.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon had Skittles with him. SKITTLES!

We know for a FACT that Trayvon wore a sweatshirt with a hood on it.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon's skin was brown/black.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon was walking through a neighborhood.

If that's not enough to convict him I don't know what is.

Store Hours

I have a small shop.

Here is a conversation in said shop:

GUY: "Finally! You're open!"

ME: "What do you mean?"

GUY: "You're always closed when I come down."

ME: "You should probably come down when I'm open."

GUY: "You're never open."

ME: "Actually I've been open every day for thirty years except for Christmas and Thanksgiving."

GUY: "Not when I come down."

ME: "You should come down during our store hours."

GUY: "What are those?"

ME: "The hours when you don't come down."

Schmeetah.

I just found out PETA is all mad at me cuz I compared a large disfigured woman to a gorilla.

Oh, well....

Asshole

GAL: "Nobody has ever called me an asshole before."

ME: "Maybe not to your face..."

Tornadoes

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Do you think tornadoes have faces?"

ME: "No."

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Oh....I always thought they did."