I am the King of the Poker Table.

Many years ago I'm down at this Indian Casino playing 7-card stud (in 7 card stud there are three cards face down, four face up) and hand after hand this obnoxious douchebag wearing a big cowboy hat keeps beating me. If I have a pair of Jacks he has a pair of Queens. If I have a straight, he has a flush. And on and on.

Now I don't really care if someone beats me, but this dick lets out this cackle every time he wins a hand. And every winning hand he says something clever like: "Read 'em and weep" or "Six tits beats three Jaywalkers" or some other not-so-clever cliche ridden poker statement.

I hate this guy and he's won a lot of money from me. I'm about to take him. Did I mention I hate him? Because I do. Deeply. After I take all of his money I'm going to pray he gets hit by a bus in the parking lot.

The cards are being dealt and we're betting back and forth, raising like madmen (the other players had by now folded)....back and forth, back and forth. I forget what the limits were as far as raising and stuff but we were maxing them out.

The last card was dealt and I had a gorgeous fullhouse (Queens and threes) and he had an Ace high flush. I had him but he didn't think so because my hand was nicely disguised. He bet. I raised. He raised back. I didn't flinch cuz I had this motherfucker (can I say motherfucker on a blog?) so I raised back BIG. And so did he. And back again. He was starting to get loud and folks started gathering around the table as the pot grew to what was a considered HUGE. Finally it was time to turn the cards over.

So I stood up, flipped over my Queens over full house, and said my own clever pokerism: "Eat these you fat fuck"

He just started laughing and flipped over his Kings over full house....and the dealer started laughing. And the rest of the players started laughing. The looky-loos started laughing. This dude played me like I'd never been played before.

I thought for sure the best he could have had was an Ace high flush. I was positive.

Positive.