Swine Flu makes things fun.

Microswine Flu

Give us your tired, your poor, but please...no more Mexicans!

Swine Flu? Swine Flu? I never heard of it.

We might die of Swine Flu but dammit...we're gonna look stylish while couging up blood and pork.

Brits hunker down for Swine Flu invasion! (and possibly Nazis)

MadCow takes no chances.

Scientists still baffled on the origins of Swine Flu

Chewbacca (sounds like chew tobacco)

So last night me and Wifey are sitting around watching TV (for a change)and I decided I needed some quality time with her.

So I didn't fast-forward thru the commercials.

I went over and sat next to her on the couch.

We just started goofing around and somehow her fingers ended up in my ears and I must have laughed.

Or something.

Here is the convertsation that followed:

WIFEY: "You're Chewbacca!"

ME: "I have hairy ears?"

WIFEY: "No...you sound like him."

----------

SO TO SUM UP

Is it better to sound like Chewbacca or to have hairy ears like Chewbacca?

I think it's a riddle that will perplex mankind for generations to come.

Written on the calendar at home (by two different hands)

APRIL 28: 'Oldest daughter, birthday'

APRIL 29: 'Roger Clemens struck out 20 batters in 1986'

So to sum up:
My daughter was born the day before Roger Clemens struck out 20 batters and I'll never forget it.

And then they came for me...

Swine Flu. Swine Flu.

Pandemic!

Flee! Run!

People dying! Quarantine!

Face masks!

Swine Flu! Swine Flu!

And blah blah blah.

We're all kinda making fun of it as it's just another over-blown media hype job.

Or is it?

All of sudden Swine Flu is impacting me.

How so? You ask.

http://www.icv2.com/articles/news/14836.html

Do a copy and paste of that URL

THE HORROR!! THE HORROR!!

SWINE FLU!! It's here and it's a killer!!

(And a random picture of Spock smoking weed)

I have some bad news.

This guy just got the Bird Flu.



And this dude just came down with The Asian Flu.




And these broads have Swine Flu.




It's a mixed-up topsy turvy world we live in.

Or something.

Arlen Specter

Now an even bigger douchebag.

(And what kinda name is 'Arlen' for a man?)

I Me Mine Flu Panics Hub!

Vine Flu Panic Grips Hub !

Sign Flu Panic Grips Hub!

Wine Flu Panic Grips Hub!

SWINE FLU PANIC GRIPS HUB!

Take precautions!

Wear a mask!

Stay away from Mexican restaurants!

Stay away from pigs!

Stay away from Swines!

Stay away from the flu!

Stay away from Stay Away,Joe (one of the worst Elvis movies ever)

Stay by Jackson Browne.

Stay away from the deadly Bird Flu...you know....the Bird Flu that was supposed to wipe us all out?

Stay inside, pull the drapes (do folks still have drapes?)...

Because THIS time they ain't lying!

Or are they?

What did you do when you first heard Bea Arthur died?

RIP Bea Arthur

Vignettes

This morning I hear Wifey so I open up one of my eyes and see her looking at me. Here is that conversation:

ME: "Why are you looking at me?"

WIFEY: "I'm not looking at you."

----------------

I'm in the store the other day with a guy we'll call 'Dave' (to protect his idenity) and while talking with him a woman comes in, leaves the door open, looks around, and then leaves (without closing the door)

Here is that conversation:

DAVE: "I wonder if she is Indian?"

----------------

I'm out to dinner last night with The Blonde and one of her girlfriends (we'll call her 'Teri') shows up and starts ripping on her husband.

Here is that conversation:

TERI: "So my friggin' husband blah blah blah..."

ME: "That's funny...that's what my wife calls me!"

-------------

At the restaurant last night:

ME: "May I have a bottle of this wine."

BITCH WAITRESS: "We don't serve wine in bottles...only in glasses."

ME: "Huh?..What does the wine come in?"

BITCH WAITRESS: "A bottle."

ME: "I'll take a bottle of that."

BITCH WAITRESS: "It's only available by the glass."

ME: "But you have it in a bottle, correct?"

BITCH WAITRESS: "Would you like a glass of it?"

ME: "No...I'll have a beer...in a bottle. It comes in a bottle, correct?"

BITCH WAITRESS: "Would you like a glass for your beer?"

ME: "Sure."

ME TO THE BLONDE: "I should ask her for a wine glass."

-----------------------

ME: "How's the dog?"

WIFEY: "She's an idiot...she's up to something. I can tell by the way she's hiding."

-----------------

Preparing for a Hoagy-less Buddy Nite last night:

THE BLONDE: "Where should we go?"

ME: "How about your couch?"

THE BLONDE: "Nice try."

-------------------

While watching the Celtics game last night:

THE BLONDE: "That #13 is tall."

-----------------

The Craigslist Killer

Have you heard about this douche?

Well...it's all over the news.

Turns out he also has a free bureau if anybody wants it.

Happy Girth Day To You, Happy Girth Day To You..!

Clever how I goofed on Earth Day by calling it Girth Day and showing a fat guy, huh?

I hope that box he's in is recyclable.

Tuck (30 seconds)

Happy Birthday, Hitler!

120 years old today.

(I'm guessing he looks 110)

What should have been a thing of beauty.

Today in Massachusetts is what we call Patriots Day (something about shooting the British some 230 years ago)

But what Patriots Day has turned into is an 11:00 game for the Boston Red Sox and The Boston Marathon.

So I was gonna be clever and go all Norm Crosby on today's post and call it the Austin Bearathon and make a super funny story about how bears chased me thru the streets of Boston (or Austin) for 26.2 miles.

And it was gonna be laugh fest.

And we all love laugh fests.

Don't we?

But I couldn't quite pull it together so you'll just have to trust me and pretend that I hit it out of the park.

All my love,
Rosie Ruiz

Conversation with my oldest daughter

ME: "Hi..you got in your tax refund check."

HER: "Was it the state or federal?"

ME: "I'm not sure...I didn't open it."

HER: "I already got back my state refund check."

ME: "If you already got back your state refund check why did you ask me if it was state or federal?"

HER: "Because I'm stupid."

It's 30 seconds long

6 things we know about Mongo and 4 things we know about Gabby Johnson.

If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

Mongo straight.

Mongo like candy.

Mongo like Sheriff Bart.

Sheriff Bart Mongo's friend.

Mongo just pawn in game of life.

-----


Gabby Johnson wash born here, an he wash raished here, and dad gum it, he am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin him bishen cutter.

-----------
So to sum up:
I phoned it in.

The hows and whys of cancer being good.

You're on the way to your radiation treatment and you find a dollar on the ground.

Cancer good.

You're resting after a brutal session of chemo when all of a sudden a candystriper brings you a Swiss Miss pudding cup.

Cancer good.

You're in the waiting room of treatment center, bent over in pain, but watching The Price is Right....your price is nearest to actual retail price than anyone on the show.

Cancer good.

End of the year inventory is today...you have a marrow transplant scheduled and can't do inventory.

Cancer good.

You're screaming in pain from the cancer ravaging your body....it drowns out the noise of the dog barking.

Cancer good.

All your hair has fallen out from chemo gone wrong...you save $15 (plus tip) every six weeks on haircuts.

Cancer good.

That douchebag you hate finally dies of his brain cancer.

Cancer good.

You have cancer...for some reason you no longer have to donate to the American Cancer Society.

Cancer good.

That big growth on your neck turns out not to be a deformity and folks stop making fun of it.

Cancer good.

Red Sox won yesterday. The cancer has been cured by Tim Wakefield.

Tim Wakefield good.

(Yankees stink)

Tax day.

So let's get right to the point and sum up:

Federal taxes paid today.

State taxes paid today.

Quarterly federal taxes paid today (as a small business owner I have to pay 1/4 of my expected tax liabilty each quarter)

Quarterly state taxes paid today.

Property tax was due on my store on the 10th and paid.

Real estate tax on my house is due in two weeks.

Sales tax collected in teh store is due each month on the 20th.

I paid all three excise taxes due on three cars.

I had to fund my SEP retirement plan by the 15th or pay more taxes.

I paid taxes on the Pike today too get to work.

Gas taxes highest in the States which I paid yesterday when I filled up my tank.

I have to pay a freakin' 'sign tax' for my store sign.

A sign tax???

Personal property tax is due on the 1st for the fixtures and stuff in my shop.

-------------

I wish I was Phil Spector.

Our new format: All Phil Spector, all the time.

Phil Spector Guilty of Killing Pirates...

...Marilyn Chambers, Bo the Dog, and for painting graffiti on the gorgeous new Wall of Sound me and Hoag spotted.

Today's post might not be true.

The Stone Wall

So the other day me and Hoag are driving down the street and we notice a nice stone wall that someone just put up.

Here is that conversation:

HOAG: "That's a great looking stone wall!"

ME: "Yeah...until some douchebag sprays graffiti all over it."

HOAG: "Got any paint?

Obama actually handled the 'pirate situation' the correct way.

Go figure.

Holy Good Ash Easter, Batman! (or something)

So last night we're discussing Easter and stuff and the subject of 'Holy Thursday' came up...all of sudden I'm hearing the term used a lot and I never had before.

Holy Thursday (Catholic fund raising scheme?)

We all know what lent is (I had to look it up)and Good Friday, and Easter....but Holy Thursday?

So I ask:

ME: "Lent, Good Friday, Easter...I know those, but what the heck is Holy Thursday?"

HOAGY: "Buddy Night"

Admit it...you laughed.

When you first heard that a United States ship was hijacked by pirates you kinda laughed.

There is just something about pirates attacking a US ship that is funny.

Brain Cancer: The New Sex Change

So yesterday was opening day for The Boston Red Sox.

The senior senator from Massachusetts, Ted Kennedy, threw out the first pitch.

Problem is he didn't throw it very far. Estimates are around five feet.

They gave him a mulligan and the next throw was a bit farther (further?)

As you know Uncle Ted has brain cancer.

Why it makes him throw like a girl is beyond me.

Cancer works in mysterious ways.

So does Ted.

SO TO SUM UP:
Red Sox are in first place. Yankees stink. And Ted Kennedy throws like Rose Kennedy.

The Aquatic Center

So I'm driving home last night and I spot a a new 'Aquatic Center'.

(That's fancy for pool)

And said Aquatic Center (pool) was named after someone who you would instantly think of when thinking of Aquatic Centers (pools)

I tried to find a picture online because a picture is worth a thousand words.

Or something.

But I couldn't find a picture of said Aquatic Center (pool) online.

So you you'll just have to trust me when I tell you that overwhelming joy took over my very being when I spotted this 'Aquatic Center'(pool)

Mostly because I knew the overwhelming joy that Cousin Saul would have felt had he spotted the 'Aquatic Center' (pool) first.

You can't stand the suspence any longer can ya?

Who could they possibly name an 'Aquatic Center' (pool) after?

Mark Spitz?

Michael Phelps?

Nope. Nope.

Burt Lancaster (he starred in a movie called The Swimmer)

Maybe somethjing nostaglic...The Esther Williams Aquatic Center?

Namor's Aquatic Center?

Aquaman's?

The Patrick Duffy Aquatic Center (that would have been clever)

It's right on the tip of your tongue.

Come on...you have it. Just say it!

Aquatics=This guy.

Here it is:

I lied.

One more line.

The Michael Dukakis Aquatic Center.

Really.

Obama to blame for Italy earthquake.

Think about it.

No earthquake when Obama was in the States.

Then he flies to Europe (Italy is in Europe)

Earthquake.

Do the math.

Obama+Europe=Earthquake.

Now read the Bible.

It's in there under Psalm 34: 'Though he that is shining and bright shall bring shaking tremors to Italy'

Or read the dictionary: 'Earthquake: Noun. A sudden change in earths movement caused by hope.'

And don't forget what Nostradamus said: 'In the seveth quantrain a hopeful changing man shall bring the shakey and the quakey to the Roman offspring.

And of course, Blazing Saddles: "Those schnitzengrubens can wipe you out"

I'm tired.

Why do poor people always have discarded tires in their yards?

Why don't they throw them away?

And why do poor people need so many more tires than rich people?

Why do we even deal with these people?

>>>KABUL — Responding to criticism from around the world, Afghan President Hamid Karzai said Saturday that a new law that critics say makes it legal for men to rape their wives will be studied and possibly sent back to parliament for review.<<<<

And POSSIBLY sent back to parliament for review??

And then there was this gem:

>>>>One of the law's most controversial articles legislates the frequency of sexual relations between Shiite husbands and wives. Article 132 says the husband has a right to sex every fourth night unless the wife is ill.<<<<<

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Protocol Breaking First Ladies on the Rampage!

Yesterday it was Michelle Obama groping the Queen...now it's France's First Lady snubbing and not kissing The Beautiful Barack

-------------------------------------
FROM SOME BRITISH NEWSPAPER:

>>>>>>>>FRANCE'S first lady broke with protocol today as she held out a frosty hand to welcome Barack Obama.
Stunning Carla Bruni was business-like in her greeting — while her hubby treated the US President's wife to a hug and Continental double kiss.

The former model gave customary pecks on both cheeks to Michelle Obama and other dignitaries when the couple arrived in France.

But when it came to the dashing US President the beauty kept a noticeable distance. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

-----------------------------

What in the heck is going on with First Ladies all of sudden?

Don't they have china patterns to pick out or something?

What's next...some kinda Wrestlemania-like First Lady Caged Death Match or something?

Horny Giant US First Lady (Touchy McQueeny) vs Frigid Hot French First Lady(Kissy Ono)

My money is on the Behemoth.

Uh-oh...another camouflage rant.

Cousin Saul loves to just crash into folks in the mall that are wearing camouflage clothing and then saying stuff like "Whoops...I didn't see you!"

I understand camouflage when out hunting.

It makes sense.

I still don't quite understand camouflage as a fashion statement....but folks are folks and they can can do whatever they want.

Within reason.

Except for the guy that came in yesterday.

He was wearing green camouflage pants and a bright plaid shirt.

Dude...it ain't working.

So the deer doesn't see your legs but he sees your upper torso?

How does that help?

Plaid doesn't exist in nature. You're hiding from nobody.

Point of the story?

I'm guessing The Queen wished she was wearing camouflage so Michelle Obama couldn't find her and touch her. (I'm kidding)

Real point of the story?

I'm gonna paint my belly with camouflage paint so Wifey can't find my lines. (I'm kidding)

Super-dooper real point of the story?

I'm gonna paint my door in camouflage paint so the Indians won't come in and NOT SHUT MY DOOR!! (I'm kidding)

No really...the real point of the story:

I'm gonna put camouflage leggin's on Hillary...I think we all know why.

I'm serious.

OH MY GOD!!!! SHE TOUCHED THE QUEEN!!!!

>>>(April 2) -- Media outlets covering Barack Obama's first major trip abroad since becoming president are abuzz with a big question: Did first lady Michelle Obama breach protocol by putting her arm around Britain's Queen Elizabeth?<<<<<<<

OH.

MY.

GOD!

She touched The Queen.

Oh my god!

Michelle Obama touched The Queen!

Touched The Queen!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

SHE TOUCHED THE QUEEN!!



THE QUEEN WAS TOUCHED!!

The First Lady of The United States actually touched THE QUEEN!!

The Queen was touched! Touched! Michelle Obama actually TOUCHED the Queen!

The horror. The Horror! Queen touched!

World shocked at lack of protocol. QUEEN TOUCHED!

Michelle Obama touches THE QUEEN!

FIRST LADY TOUCHES THE QUEEN!

Queen touched!

OH. MY. GOD.

HAND TOUCHES QUEENS BACK!

The Wife of The President of The United States touches The QUEEN!

Queen Touched.

Lines

Take a look at the picture above.

See those diagonal lines a little below the man's stomach?

Not sure what those are called.

Here is a conversation between myself and Wifey about said lines.

ME: "Don't be touching my lines."

WIFEY: "I'm not touching your lines."

ME: "You just touched my lines."

WIFEY: "Did not."

ME: "You did...you traced down my line with your finger."

WIFEY: "No I didn't."

ME: "YOU JUST DID!"

WIFEY: "You do have lines, dontcha?"

ME: "Stop touching them."

WIFEY: "Why would I want to touch your lines?"

ME: "I have no idea. So knock it off."

WIFEY: "I'll do what I want."

ME: "Oh."

Dearest Barack,

Seeing how you've recently taken over The Banks, Wall Street, Insurance Companies, and now the Auto Industry I'm guessing the Comic Book Industry is next.

Now it's clear to me that you're a Financial Wizard being able to juggle all of that (and your Man-Woman Michelle) but I'm guessing you might need some tips on the day to day operations of running The Comic Shop.

In no particular order:

1. Wednesday is new comic book day. Don't screw it up. People don't want their comics on Friday or Monday. They want them on Wednesday...you got that, Cochise?

2. Buy low, sell high. Do not screw with this.

3. Always add $1.00 to every purchase. Most customers don't even notice and your pockets get lined in green.

4. Short change folks. They never notice and your pockets get lined in green.

5. When ringing up purchases always use the Canadian price.

6. Goof around on the internet most of the day: blogger, YouTube, ebay, facebook, myspace, Cousin Saul, and Hoag.

7. Always stay open during the customer friendly hours of 11:30-6:30 (weekends until 5:00) (a tad longer on New Comics Day)

8. Shut the door after The Indians leave it open.

9. Nothing for #9

10. And stop being a douchebag you socialist prick!

And that's about it.