Shot Glasses

So I go into a liquor store this morning.

I needed six shot glasses.

Here is the conversation with a clerk:

ME: "Do you have six shot glasses?"

CLERK: "What do you want them for?"

ME::  ::::blinks::::

Mein Furrier (best Hitler dog EVAH!)

 

 

The Signed Penis

So the other night my once future wife was over the house.

We'll call her TOOTS.

She had a few glasses of wine.

Wifey had a few glasses.

I had a Big Mac and fries.

Here is the conversation:

TOOTS: "Next week I'm getting a signed penis."

ME: "A signed penis?"

TOOTS: "Yes...he keeps taking his time. But I told him I really need it next week."

ME: "Why do you want a signed penis?"

TOOTS: "I've been wanting it for years."

ME: "A signed penis."

TOOTS: "And then I can finally move."

ME: "A signed penis makes you move? "

TOOTS: "Not penis."

ME: "You said 'signed penis'."

TOOTS: "A signed P & S. A purchase and sale agreement on my house."

ME: "Oh."

Congratulations!

Yesterday a couple came into my shop and the guy was looking at higher end robots (Gundam) to purchase.

He was on the fence about his purchase.

I started talking to him a bit. I had never seen him before.

Turns out he was up here on his honeymoon.

And nothing is better than buying robots on your honeymoon.

He kept going back and forth on if he should buy this robot or not. He finally decided to treat himself.

He seemed happy. His new bride seemed happy.

Here is the conversation that followed after he paid:

ME: "Congratulations!"

BOTH OF THEM:  "Thank you!"

ME: "And congratulations on getting married!"

FREE!

Hoag used to do this on a regular basis.  I did it for the first time last night.

I was on my way home and driving thru my neighborhood when I noticed a neighbor had some furniture at the end of her driveway with a large sign that said FREE.

I took the sign.

I got home, brought the sign in to show Wifey.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "See my free sign I got at Kathy's house?"

WIFEY:  "You're an asshole."

ME: "With a FREE sign."

Calcium Dickens

I'm not sure if he's a he.

I'm not sure if he's a private detective.

It could be an illness.

A trendy gluten free meal, perhaps?

Some type of exotic flower?

Maybe Calcium Dickens is replacing someone on The View.

Calcium Dickens might be a ska band for all I know.

I don't really know who or what a Calcium Dickens is.

But if it's a guy and he has a daughter I'm sure her name is Codeine.

Or something.

Fat Cat

So most nights at home Wifey and I watch TV together.

We sit on the same couch. I'm on the good side...she's on the lame side.

She normally controls the remote control for the TV.

Most shows we watch are recorded on our DVR...and we (she) fast forwards through any commercials.

Still with me? (yawn)

Anyhow...

The other night we're sitting there on the couch when all of a sudden the remote comes flying in my direction.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "What the heck are you doing!!!???"

WIFEY: "You're sit there every night like a fat cat while I do the remote!!"

ME: "I aint no fat cat!"

WIFEY:  "Fat cat."

All I did was wash a pan.

WIFEY: "You're a good wife."

ME: "Thank you."

You ain't nothing but a HoagDog.

So me and Hoag are looking at some recent photographs and there was one of him where he kinda looked fat.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "You look like Fat Elvis in that one."

HOAG: "Still Elvis."