He should have done this in Dallas. (Too soon?)

It's a random passage from a random news story!

His friend died at the scene, he said.

No one answered when ABC News called Vines' phone number, but he told the AP that losing his friend was like losing a lung.

Blog post that didn't quite make it.

I thought it would be funny to write a story about the 17 oz New York Cola Company.

Maybe something about them filing for bankruptcy.

And then I decided not to.

Old Baseball Cards

CUSTOMER: "Do you buy old baseball cards?"

ME: "Sometimes...mostly I'm looking for older ones."

CUSTOMER: "I have old ones."

ME: "How old?"

CUSTOMER: "I have a bunch from the 1300s."

ME: "I don't need them from that time period....thank you."

He remembers.

CUSTOMER: "I remember when comics were a nickel."

ME: "Yup."

CUSTOMER: "I also remember when they were five cents."

Pepperidge Farms

Have you ever bought a Pepperidge Farm product?

The bread in particular?

You take off the little twisty-tie thingy on the bag and reach inside and take out the bread.

WRONG!

Pepperidge Farms is still living in 1947 and they have this inner crinkly wrapper thing inside that needs to also be opened.

I don't want to open two wrappers to get to my bread!

But Pepperidge Farms no doubt things it's quaint. It makes it fresher.

It ain't and it doesn't.

If my bread goes stale because it only has one wrapper I'll buy some more.

Join the 21st Century, Mister Pepperidge Farms!

Too many exceptions

This guy just came in the store and paid with foreign money...or was it counterfeit money? I seized it from him and asked for real money.

He feigned indifference.

 (I just said feigned)

I think Keith(?) is gonna have to forfeit his store privileges if he does that again.

He normally spends most of his leisure time reading comics so he either has to come up with American money next time or maybe get a neighbor to help him out.

Or something.

Not that it has anything to do with the story but his height had to have been at least six feet eight inches and his weight was upwards of 300 pounds....not that I weighed him!


Weird, huh?

It's gone viral. Pass it around.

I'm the gander!!

So I go through a toll booth the other day and hand the guy a crisp one dollar bill.

He gives me my change. Part of the change was five pennies.

I look at him.

He looks at me.

I look at my fist full of pennies.

He looks at me.

I look back at him.

I speak.

"What the fuck is this??"

He speaks.

"That's your change."

I speak again.

"It's pennies...the sign says no pennies."

He just smiles.

I think I tell him to fuck off.

My daughter is in the car with me.

She giggles.

Peter Lawford: The Sixth Stone.

If you see this guy, punch him

Who said it:: A pastor from North Carolina or Adolf Hitler?

“I figured a way out, a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers but I couldn’t get it pass the Congress – build a great big large fence, 50 or a hundred mile long. Put all the lesbians in there, fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. And have that fence electrified so they can’t get out.
And you know what? In a few years they will die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce. If a man ever has a young'un, praise God he will be the first.”

Overheard in the Shoppe.

CUSTOMER: "Leatherface doesn't even know who James Bond is!"

 FRIEND: "I know!!"

What is the point of this story?

So I have a retarded customer.

And actual retarded customer.

(Or do we call him mentally challenged?)

We will stick with retard for this post. Simmer down!

His name is Bobby.

This particular retard is high functioning. Not Hoag level of high functioning, but still a high functioning retard.

Like Hoag, he dresses nice.

He has a debit card. He is very aware of what things cost.

He talks like you would expect a retard to talk.

He is polite.

As you would expect him to be.

So last night it was past closing time.

 I was hungry.

Bobby was the last person here besides me.

I let him know that it was closing time.

He looked at his watch.

He looked at me.

He looked  at his watch.

He looked at me.

BOBBY: "What time is it?"

ME: "6:47 at night"

BOBBY: "My watch stopped."

The End


So what is the point of this story?

The point is: There is just something funny about a retarded guy with a stopped watch.

I'm not sure why.

Give it some thought.

You will smile.

Disco is dead

Everything should be a nickel

So one of my crazies comes in the shop on Saturday.

Very bag lady-ish. 60s.

Kooky striped socks.

An umbrella in hand on a sunny day.

Weird bows in her hair.

She bought five old lunch boxes for $51.00.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "....and thank you very much! Have a wonderful day!"

LADY: "These should be a nickel."

ME: "What should be a nickel?"

LADY: "These lunch boxes."

ME: "I agree."

LADY: "Everything should be a nickel."

ME: "I agree."

LADY: "I remember when everything was a nickel."

ME: "Me too."

LADY: "That should be a nickel...and that should be a nickel. Everything should be a nickel!"

ME: "Imagine how much stuff we could buy if everything was nickel!??"

LADY: "Everything used to be a nickel."

ME: "Thank you."

Willy de Sade's Steakhouse and Gitmo Torture Shack

So we go out for steaks last night.

Great thick juicy steaks. Baked potatoes dripping in mouth watering butter.

Fresh bread and garlic.

Fantastic service. Lively bar scene.

And the tables of DEATH!!

These things had to have been designed byTorquemada himself!

The most uncomfortable tables in the history of dining!

They might have beem coated in acid and embedded with razor blade spikes!

We left screaming in pain!

But good steaks....

Hash flipped, math skipped. And more!

So I'm driving by the local diner today and notice that they have a large sign up that states:  HASH FLIPPED!!!

Is that really worthy of three exclamation points???

------

I'm in the center of town filling up my gas tank.

It comes to $49.00.

I give the grease monkey $60.00. Here is the conversation that followed:

GREASE MONKEY: "So you want $1.00 back?"

ME: "No...I want $11.00 back.

GREASE MONKEY: "Okay."

------

I was craving a lobster roll last night. I go to my new favorite lobster roll place to get one.

There are 15 empty bar stools around the bar where I plan to eat.

I order.

My food and drink get delivered.

Then lonely Joe the Bartender saunters up to me and starts talking.

I'm the only one there.

I pretend like I'm texting.

He talks some more. And more. And more.

He offers his name. I give him mine.

We are now chums. Or so he thinks.

He talks some more.

Did you know that he was once quite the hockey player?

I do.

He then shook my hand.

I don't really like shaking hands much.

But he's my chum....so I shake.

Now all I can think about is washing off Joe the Bartender's lonely germs.

----

Thats it.