Sunday, August 31, 2008

Gustav update

I just want to assure my gentle readers that no matter how bad GUSTAV gets, we (the staff at I AIN'T NO OPRAH) will stay and not flee.

There will be hijinx.



No stupid hurricane is going to keep us (the staff at I AIN'T NO OPRAH) away from our duties.

We will stay.

We will not flee.

We are men. We stay.




It's our mantra.

It's our code.

So use the letters G U S T A V, in order,to write a six word sentence. It must be related to weather. Or storms.

Or the crocodile named Gustave.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

An upcoming anniversary...not as good as 9/11 perhaps...

Having coffeee with Wifey this morning:

WIFEY: "We should do such and such for our upcoming anniversary."

ME: "Amazing that we've been together so long, huh?"

WIFEY: "It's been WAY too long."

ME: :::sad eyes:::

WIFEY: "I didn't mean that in a bad way."

Friday, August 29, 2008

No Subject In The Subject Box Day

So last night is the famed Buddy Nite and we go out to this restaurant.

As you walk in there is a hostess that seats the folks in the restaurant to the left. Or you can just walk into the bar area on the right and eat in there.

We go into the bar area and have no contact with said hostess.

But from our seats in the bar area we can still see Little Miss Hostess.


And the Hoag is intrigued. To say the least.

But he can't really see all of her. Her back is usually towards the bar and it's driving the Hoag nuts that he can't see her face.

But he sees the long pretty blond hair. The shapely body. The voodoo that she does so well.

But again, not her face.

Dinner proceeds but with this distraction.

The constant moaning of the Hoag demanding "turn around turn around turn around"

And me asking "more bread more bread more bread"

A half hour goes by. Forty five minutes.

She bends over. She reaches up high. Nice shoes. Good walk.

Still no sightings of her face.

"Turn around turn around turn around"

She doesn't.

She seats diners.

She does whatever else a hostess does.

She bends.

She flips hair.

She reaches way up....up on her tippy toes....she laughs. Even cavorts.

But still no face sightings

More time goes by.

Finally Hoag turns to me and this is the conversation:

HOAG: "Do me a favor Buddy?"

ME: "Sure Hoag, anything for a Buddy like you!"

HOAG: "Quack like a duck so she'll turn around."

ME: "Pass me the bread."

Thursday, August 28, 2008

REMINDER: Next week is make fun of John McCain's Neck Week

And his "war injuries"

Shiny hair.

Years ago someone told me that if you washed your hair with cold water you'd have shiny hair.

So I showered and washed my hair in cold water.

And my hair shined.

It was the 1970s and my hair was very long.

And shiny.

But the showers were cold.

Hair was shiny.

Cold hair.

But shiny.

And this went on for a couple of years.

I dreaded the cold shower.

But I had shiny hair.

And then one day I woke up and thought to myself:

'Why the heck do I want shiny hair anyhow?'

I had no answer.

So I took a hot shower. A wonderful hair dulling hot shower!


There is no moral to this story.


There is nothing to sum up.


The point is that cold water makes your hair shiny.


Hot showers>cold showers

Me and the Hoag are getting stood up tonight by the Blonde...seems she'd rather listen to the future leader of the free world give his speech than listen to me and dull-haired Hoag talk about cold showers.

Or something.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Coming attractions::"Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper."

Still more movie quotes at the DNC, still more democrats

"This was no boat accident."

"Little brown eel comes out of the cave... Swims into the hole... Comes out of the hole... Goes back into the cave again."

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

"Mary Ellen Moffat. She broke my heart."

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

"Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain."

"May I have ten thousand marbles, please?"

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

"Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille."

"This is my happening and it freaks me out!"

"Kiss me. When I'm being fucked, I like to get kissed a lot."

"Who's been in my box?"

"They keep sayin' 'two' homosexuals. I am not a homosexual. I want you to stop them saying that. Stop."

"Say hello to my little friend."

"Little brown eel comes out of the cave... Swims into the hole... Comes out of the hole... Goes back into the cave again."

"Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women."

Happy New Comic Book Day! (Truth, Justice, and the 1/2 African-American Way)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Another day at the movies at the Democratic National Convention

Sorry in advance for the picture of Hillary in the bathing suit.

"It ain't the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart and I want respect!"

"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape! "

"What are you doin' here? You oughta be out in a convertible bird-doggin' chicks and bangin' beaver."

"Mmmmmm, Juicy Fruit."

"Well I don't wanna break up the meeting or nothin', but she's somethin' of a cunt, ain't she Doc?"

"You're not an idiot. Huh! You're not a goddamn looney now, boy. You're a fisherman! "

"Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars...

....I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just do things."

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."

"Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

"You ever seen a grown man naked?"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines"

"Shit man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head. You know?"

'"S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!"

"I'm a stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension."

"I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics! I'm hysterical! I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical. Oh my god."

"I'm wet! I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!"

"I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet!... and I'm still hysterical!"

Monday, August 25, 2008

"I'm tired..."

...sick and tired of love,
I've had my fill of love,
from below and above,
tired of being admired,
tired of love uninspired,
let's face it,
I'm tired!"

(the last 35 posts have titles swiped from either Wizard of Oz or Blazing Saddles)

"I didn't get a harumph outta that guy."

"Any man drinks like that and he don't eat . . He is going to die."

" gonna rouin me bishen cutter."

"I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin' bushwackin', hornswagglin' cracker croaker.."

"So we can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian."

"Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what?"

"So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since."

"...wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice."

"I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets..."