Hulk smashed.

HOMELESS GUY: "I have the first issue of the Hulk I want to sell."

ME: "Great...let me take a look."

HOMELESS GUY: :::hands me an issue of something that is clearly not the Hulk #1::: "Here..."

ME: "Ummmm...this ain't a Hulk comic."

HOMELESS GUY: "Yes it is. It goes for $1000.00."

ME: "This ain't a Hulk comic. And it's tattered and torn. Even if it was it wouldn't be worth $1000.00."

HOMELESS GUY: "It's the first issue of Hulk. It's a collector's item classic."

ME: "Thank you for bringing it in. Cool comic."

HOMELESS GUY: "Hulk first issue. Thousand dollars."

ME: "Have a great day!"

HOMELESS GUY: "You too!"

A dream about Those Who Do Not Close Doors.

I'll keep it under 45 seconds:

The dream starts with me and Wifey putting our bed up for sale on Craigslist.

A day or two later a couple of Those Who Do Not Close Doors show up at our house to look at said bed.

They get on it. The change positions. They ohhhh...they ahhhh...they do whatever people do when buying a used mattress.

Then the male of Those Who Do Not Close Doors asks in his annoying voice:

"Does this bed have a toggle switch?"

I answer:

"Beds don't have toggle switches."


He insists it does in that agitated annoying voice of Those Who Do Not Close Doors:

"This model should have a toggle switch in the back!"

And then he scoots around to the back of the bed and finds a toggle switch on my bed!!

I respond the only way I know how:

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU FUCKING FUCKBALL!!"

And then I turn around and see a gray-haired Mick Jagger just laughing.

It's time for a Trip to the Grocery Store with Me and Wifey

Next week I'm bringing a tri-pod.

Our new feature: "Let's Look at 17 Seconds of Vomit!"

Dear TIME Magazine, Not so fast. Love, IANO

Please send donations to: www.GETMARIKAANEWSHIRT.com

Wild Horses

There is a story in the news today about the above horse.

(actual photo from news story)

The story claims this is the world's smallest horse.

Interesting story, I suppose.

The better story would have been about the guy who measures all of the world's horses.

It's Thursday, guess where I'm going?

It's time for 'Let's Make Fun of the Once Beautiful!'

Today's grand prize winner is......ZSA ZSA GABOR!!

LIz

Elton John is hard at work on Candle in the Wind 3. It will be his most poignant version ever!

Should be on iTunes by Saturday.

Breakfast in America

So yesterday I'm out having breakfast.

The usual fare. Eggs, sausage, toast, bacon, hash browns, coffee, grape jelly.

Breakfast.

And I look next to me.

And next to me is a couple in their early 60s.

Eating breakfast. At a breakfast place.

Normal.

Eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, coffee, orange juice, hash browns, and a bunch of etc.

All normal.

So far.

The couple was Japanese. Speaking Japanese. Eating breakfast just like I do.

I never thought about it before. The Japanese like the same breakfast food that I do!

Have you ever seen Japanese people in a breakfast place in America?

Trust me, you probably haven't.

The moral of the story?

Breakfast food is better than raw squid.

It's Out of Context Punchline Theatre!

"Honey, that ain't a puzzle, that's a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes!

He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

So I'm talking to someone yesterday. Here is part of that conversation:

THEM: "Do you like your brother?"

ME: "No, but I love him."

----

And then for some reason I decided to text my brother.

Here is that text and the ones that followed:

ME: "Someone just asked me if I like you and I told them that I love you."

NO RESPONSE FOR ABOUT TWO HOURS.

Finally a text comes in.

BROTHER: "What???"

----

So I text him back.

ME: "Someone asked if I liked you and I told them 'No, I love him.' I've probably never told you that before. You're a good dude and I love you."

--------

NO RESPONSE

--------

So this morning on my way to work I call him up on the phone. Here is THAT conversation:

ME: "HA! You must have thought I was stoned or something yesterday."

BROTHER: "I had no idea what you were talking about."

ME: "Just what I texted...hey, gotta go, toolbooth up ahead."

BROTHER: "I love you, Bro."

I think I'm not turning Japanese

What's up with Japan?

Here they are this great culture.

A modern society.

A clean and beautiful country.

Third largest economy in the world.

And then an earthquake hits.

A tsunami.

Nuclear meltdown.

A volcano erupts.

Thousands dead. Devastaion everywhere.

So what do The Japanese do?

They don't loot!

What kinda crazy country is that??

Have they learned nothing from us???

You have an earthquake...you loot.

Tsunami? Loot.

Nuclear meltdown? D'uh...you loot!

Volcano? Loot.

When my country goes to hell like theirs you can pretty much guarantee I'll have a TV on my shoulder and I'll be wearing a wife-beater t-shirt.

This is America, not Japan.

We loot.

Brown Eyed Girl

Here is a conversation I recently had:

GAL: "I wear a lot of brown."

ME: "You shouldn't...you don't look good in brown."

GAL: "Yes I do."

ME: "Nope."

GAL: "It brings out the brown in my eyes."

ME: "Nobody is looking at your eyes."

It ain't a BOGO tards!

We've discussed BOGO before.

It stands for BUY ONE GET ONE.

It does NOT stand for BUY ONE GET ONE FOR HALF PRICE.

That would be the BOGOFHP.

But Payless Shoes think they are clever.

Well, guess what?

Payless Shoes ain't clever. They are losers with crappy shoes.

Back to the Future

Yesterday I had a ton of things to do and part of that ton took place at THE MALL.

Went in a few places. Ate. And stuff.

Then I set the Way Back machine to 1978 and ended up in JC PENNY.

It was good seeing 1978 again. Odd, but good.

Strange that I didn't find anything to buy in there.

And then I set the machine back to 1974!

BAM! I was in Sears (I've made fun of them before. I will do so again. And again)

They had this snazzy display of dresses for girls.



It's a shame that Cindy Brady no longer shops at Sears.

CHORUS:

Avocado! Avocado! Harvel Gold! Harvest Gold! Flared slacks! Flared slacks!

Avocado! Avocado! Haggar for Men! Haggar for Men!

Notions! Avocado!

Bed, Bath, and Beyond!

So yesterday I go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy some towels.

Seems like the right place to go.

I find a few towels (I actually found stacks and stacks and stacks of towels but only picked out four that I wanted), bring them up to the front counter to pay, and then I see this huge display.



It seems out of place. I can see one or two people with damaged hands...but an endcap worth of stuff for damaged hands?

Why are people with damaged hands even out shopping? Shouldn't they be at the hospital?

Are people damaging their hands in The Bed?

The Bath?

Or The Beyond?

(I once damaged my hand in The Beyond but that's a whole 'nother story...)

Jingle Bell (doesn't) Rock

So a couple of weeks ago I bought a new pair of boots.

I like them.

They have a zipper on the side.

When I walk the zipper jingles.

It sounds like I have spurs on.

I wish I had spurs on.

(I used the word 'I' five times...whoops, six times in this post. Or was it seven?)

Actual Tweet from Charlie Sheen on the earthquake/tsunami thing.

"Curveball; Warlock edict; pain & devastation in Japan demands us all to dig deep & LOVE THEM VIOLENTLY Dogspeed my cadres of the Far East! C"

My thoughts are with Japan. (It's my blog and I will recycle jokes if I want to)

Tommy. Who?

So I get this thing in the mail.

----

'Have you noticed that...

1)You can hear, but can't always understand words!

2)You have difficulty hearing conversation in noisy situations!

3) You frequently ask people to repeat themselves!

----

And then a whole bunch of blah blah blah trying to sell me on their hearing university or whatever.

No big deal. It's junk mail.

But it was addressed to my Mom who died a bunch of years ago.

1) She can't hear at all.

2) She is never in noisy situations.

3) She never asks people anything anymore.

SO TO SUM UP:

BELTONE bought a really lousy mailing list.

Huh? Mariah is having a baby shower.

Hair

So I'm (Wifey is) having the interior of our (her) house painted.

The painters have removed the mirror from our (her) bathroom.

So this morning I need to shave. No mirror.

Can't shave without a mirror. I try using the reflection of my iPod.

Doesn't work too well.

I then remember Wifey has a hand held mirror. I take said mirror out of the drawer and kinda prop it up behind sink.

I can see my creamfilled face! I can shave!

But then I notice I'm using one of those magnifying mirrors. GIANT FACE!

It's hideous to look at yourself in one of those things (unless you're purty boy like Hoagy)

And in that mirror I see this giant gray hair sticking out of my nose!!

It's bad enough having a nose hair sticking out of one's nose but it has to be gray??? Really?? And long? A long gray hair. In my nose? Really?

How the heck did I not notice this before?

Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain.

So I get an email this morning with a link.

The link is from some news site in Canada.

The news story was about Charlie Sheen getting fired from Two and a Half Men.

Let's think this through.

Someone (from Canada) sent me (in The United States) a link about Charlie Sheen.

You know, because we don't get news about Charlie Sheen here in the United States.

Big round of applause for Canada.

Brown Sugar

So I'm talking to a friend the other day...TV, current events, Charlie Sheen, etc when the subject of anal sex comes up.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "Has a woman ever asked you to perform anal sex with her?"

HIM: "No, but a bunch have asked me to stop."

I tried to find exciting snippets from the last 24 hours. I didn't.

WIFEY: "What are you doing?"

ME: "Just charging my iPod."

----

ME: "Should we just go to the regular place?"

HOAG: "I guess."

----

Waiter: "Another drink?"

ME: "Sure."

---------

HOAG: "Careful of this road."

ME: "Frost heaves?"

-----

ME: "May I borrow a pen?"

POST OFFICE GAL: "Sure...it's right there."

-----

TOLL TAKER: "Do you mind dimes?"

ME: "That would be fine."

-----

ME: "Go outside?"

DOG: ::silence::

---------

CUSTOMER: "Do you sell on ebay?"

ME: "Yup."

-----

DPW GUY: "At least it ain't windy."

ME: "Yup."

-----

HOAG: "I like Charles Barkley."

ME: "Yup."

------

ME: "Try one of these fries."

HOAG: "Nope."

----------

MIKEY-D: "There is a table open."

ME: "Great."

------

ME: "Charlie Sheen..."

WAITRESS: "Crazy."

------

HOAG: "I wonder why those plants are knocked over?"

ME: "Probably the wind."

-------

Charlie is My Darling.

Can I really add anything to the Charlie Sheen parade?

Probably not.

Starfucker

So a few minutes ago these two older women come in wanting me to donate to their church raffle.

It's a common thing. Boy scouts. The Fire Dept. Police.

The local colleges. High schools.

Everybody is raising money for something.

I usually donate a gift certificate. Or something.

So the two ladies start giving me their sales pitch.

I'm not really paying attention to what's on the ipod.

It happened to be Starfucker by The Rolling Stones.

Two old ladies from church + The Rolling Stones singing Starfucker=I wish I was dead.

I think we all noticed at the same time. I shook my head. The gave fake smiles.

I didn't give them a gift certificate.

----SAMPLE LYRICS------

Yeah! You're a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
A star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker star

Yeah, I heard about you Polaroid's
Now that's what I call obscene
Your tricks with fruit was kind a cute
I bet you keep your pussy clean
Honey, I miss your two tone kisses
Legs wrapped around me tight
If I ever get back to New York, girl
Gonna make you scream all night

Yeah! You're a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
Yeah, a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star
A star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker star

-------------

Thanks Mick!

The Man With The Faraway Eyes

So this guy just walks into my shop. (Freaky eyeballs)

He says Hi.

I say Hi.

He then proceeds to reach into the inside pocket of his coat.

He pulls out a book.

Here is the conversation that follows:

FREAKY EYEBALLS: "I just want to show you that I had this book before I walked in...didn't want you to think I stole it from you."

ME: "Who did you steal it from?"

I can't remember if I have pants on.

So I get an email from someone that was reading some of the older posts on here.

I will quote (with selective editing and paraphrasing to make me look good)

EMAIL: "Nice post about the holocaust...sitting here laughing."

Now when I get an email like that it kinda makes my day.

When someone laughs at The Holocaust you know we have another mental patient here.

But then I thought what Holocaust post?

I had no idea what they were talking about.

So I did a search.

It seems I've done six posts about "The Holocaust" over the years.

I remembered none of them.

Never forget.