It's Comcastic!

The big cable/internet/phone company Comcast is now proclaiming that they're COMCASTIC! Is that really something to be proud of?

Is anything really Comcastic?

Is Comcastic better than Sprintacular?

Maybe it's slightly above Chevylicious?

Though it couldn't possibly be better than Ann Curryutiful!

(Comcast: They're douchebagtacular!)

The Zig Zag Man

On the main road into the town I grew up in was this giant flat rock embedded into the hillside. It was probably 25 feet X 25 feet and people used to always paint messages on it. Usually birthday messages or high school taunts to the neighboring towns football team. Sometimes a sad RIP, maybe an I Love You Steve, or just some random artwork. It changed nearly every week and became sort of a town tradition. You couldn't drive into town without seeing 'the Rock'

"Hey, did you see the Rock today, blah blah blah..."


So one week me and Hoag notice this beautiful piece of artwork up on "the Rock"...it's the famous Zig Zag Man that appeared on rolling papers (keep in mind this was the 1970s and anything to do with marijuana was considered cool) This painting on 'the Rock' must have taken all night to do. At the time painting 'the Rock' was still considered against the law so most painting took place at night with maybe only a flashlight to guide the way. There was also an unwritten rule that each new Rock painting or message should stay up at least a week. Well, anyhow me and Hoag deemed the Zig Zag Man just too damn good and something had to be done with it. We came up with a not-so-catchy slogan, two cans of paint, a pack of cigarettes, two quarts of Schlitz, and of course a mission.....and we did it in broad daylight.

We started painting and within maybe 30 seconds we made a total mess of Mr. Zig Zag man and just started whipping paint at each other, pouring it in each others hair, and finally just threw the rest of the paint at 'the Rock' making it the all time worst ever paint job on the historic Rock.

We walked back into town covered from head to toe in red and white paint and anyone that saw us knew we just ruined the masterpiece that was The Zig-Zag man.

There is no moral to this story.

Special Talents

We all have special talents or useless superpowers.

1. My Cousin Paul can fit a standard size billiard ball in his mouth. He can also tell you how much money is in a stack of money just by looking at it.

2. Hoagy can do an uncanny baby cry. He can also tell you what any medicine is used for and it's side effects.

3. My wife can win any staring contest.

4. I always know what direction I'm facing. I can hold my breath longer than you. In a car trip two hours or less I can tell you within two minutes when we'll arrive. If something is slightly out of reach I can will myself to stretch just enough to snag it.

5. Democrats can always find away to blame it on Bush.

So what is your lame superpower? And don't be a loser and make something up.

And To Think Hoagy Thought He'd Get a Raise...

Back in the 1970s me and Hoag used to work at this horrible department store that I'll call Fonzarelli's. On this one particular day we were told to clean up the back room area. Throw away all of the trash, broken store fixtures, busted mannequins (uh-oh) and whatever else. So we're making pretty good progress when Hoag figures out that it'll be easier if we (he) first busts up the mannequins and then puts them in the trash cans and then take them out to the dumpster (uh-oh!)

Hoag finds this sledgehammer thingy and starts smashing these mannequins up...there are dozens of them and he's starting to get into the carnage of smashing them.

And then he spots the can of paint (uh-oh!), Red Paint (uh-oh!!), now he's really going all Jack Torrance on them creating his own personal My Lai. Bloody headless corpses are strewn all around the back room, 'blood' splattered all over us, and of course... crazy laughter. And then the door opens (uh-oh!!!) and in walks gorgeous Marlene who starts to scream thinking Hoag has just wiped out the entire staff.

There is just no way possible to explain to management why you're covered in blood with three dozens corpses at your feet.

We were never allowed to work together again.

At that job....

My Racist Comment of the Day.

Though I adore Italian & German women, I prefer white chicks.

Standing Up For The Catholic Church

There isn't much worse than sitting through a Catholic Mass. The same droning priests saying the same thing Mass after Mass after Mass. Sit down. Stand up. Sit down. Stand up. The fake mumbo jumbo Latin singing crap....I once even had a priest tell me that the wine was the ACTUAL blood of Christ and that the communion wafer was the ACTUAL body of Christ...(but I'll save that for a blog I'll title Retard Priests) Sit down. Stand up. Sit down. Stand up.

Just put a bullet in my head or play the game me and Hoag play to keep our sanity. Keep in mind the game is better at a wedding mass than at a funeral mass.

The rules are very simple, when the priest tells everyone to sit down just remain standing as long as possible. For years we've been playing this game and I ALWAYS win. Around the 3 second mark The Hoag starts to flinch...maybe a bead of sweat forms. I have him. There's not much better than when I can see him out of the corner of my eye a few pews away start to sit down. I usually stand for at least another second just to rub it in as I know he's jealously watching. The current record is slightly over the five-second mark. Don't laugh at five seconds....five seconds standing up while the whole church is sitting is gut wrenching. Wifey is pleading for me to sit down, kids are covering their faces in embarrassment, maybe a chuckle in the back from a Janet or a Karen. Victory is mine!

Try it. It makes Catholic Church fun!

Let's Make Up Fake Stereotypes and Cultural Facts.

And of course I threw in three real ones.

1. Teenagers always eat hamburgers using only their left hand.

2. Jewish people only drive blue cars.

3. While walking, Irish people always look over their shoulder every twentieth step.

4. Canadian men dress from the top down.

5. The French smell bad and are rude.

6. NY Yankee fans smell bad and are rude.

7. Nothing for #7

8. Bostonians can turn their heads around 340 degrees.

9. Americans have more clothes than hangers.

10. There are NO tanned Beatles fans.

A Fashion Statement

Camouflage clothing.

I can understand our military wearing the beige camouflage out in the desert so maybe they won't get shot at but I don't quite get camouflage as a fashion statement.

When you wear orange camouflage what are you trying to blend in with? Orange Julius employee picnics?

Or how about that nifty blue camouflage. Are you floating in the sky trying to hide from someone?

I've even seen tie-dyed camouflage...you know, so you
could hide out at the Grateful Dead concert or something. Loser.

Now for the good part:

My Cousin Saul (owner of an award winning business) goes
down to Disney World (a hotbed of camouflage wearing cool-
cats) every year or two and when he sees someone wearing
the oh-so-nifty camouflage he bumps into them and totally
pretends he didn't see them. "Oh...I'm sorry, I didn't
see you with that camouflage on"

So help wipe out camouflage as a fashion statement and do
what Cousin Saul does.

(Five bucks says they make camouflage Capri pants...)

The Second Dumbest Guy On The Planet

This guy comes into my store the other day and here is how the conversation went:

DUMB GUY: "How much is that bobblehead?"

ME: "$19.95"

DUMB GUY: "That's like $20.00, right?"

ME: "Yes."

I love this business.

Mindy & The Marathon

I love this story. It's something I've never ever heard of, yet it makes so much sense.

I was out Friday night with this gal I'll call Mindy (her husband Munson was there also) and she was telling me about when she runs the 26 mile Bostom Marathon she has her name 'MINDY' written on her leg in big letters. As she runs through the crowded streets people start calling and chanting her name which in turn inspires her to keep running and running and hopefully helps her make better time in finishing the gut wrenching race.

How cool is that?

Next year we're gonna write 'asshole' on her leg figuring she'll run faster with tens of thousands of people chanting ASSHOLE! at her. I know I would.

The Woman With The Tattoo On Her Leg

So I'm working my tail off yesterday when this woman comes in and starts looking around.

I notice this very cool intricate tattoo on her leg and decide to comment on it.

Here is how that conversation went:

ME: "WOW! Thats a beautiful tattoo...how long have you had it?"

HER: "What tattoo?"

ME: "That one there on your leg"

HER: "That's not a tattoo"

ME: "What is it?"

HER: "Those are spider veins"

ME: "Oh...sorry"

::Woman leaves.::

Google: spider veins.

There IS a moral to this story.

'Shut the fuck up about womens legs.'

Happy Memorial Day...see you losers Tuesday.

Memorial Day Weekend Part 2

So you have the whole weekend off and I'm wonderering what you did.

Did you golf? I worked.

Maybe you went to the beach. I worked.

Went to the mountains in New Hampshire? I worked.

Maybe you went to a cookout. I of course worked.

I'm sure you went to a movie...X-Men 3? I worked.

Swimming at Lake George? I'm at work so I couldn't do that.

Maybe a trip to the Casino...some roulette, maybe some poker. I couldn't go. I had to work.

Cocktails by the pool? Nope, had to work.

Maybe a summer concert on the Common. Not me. Workin'.

Steamed clams? Lobster rolls? Not for me...I am at work. Peanut butter.

Good times, laughter, friends, family, food, and fun. Not me. Work to be done.

Maybe you took in a Red Sox game or two? Not me. I'm working.

Just relaxing outside...maybe reading the Sunday paper....big glass of ice cold lemonade? Not me. I'm at work. With a lukewarm bottle of water.

Feeling sorry for me? Well, you shouldn't be. I'm having a blast.

See you losers Tuesday.

Memorial Day Weekend

It's a holiday weekend in the United States, so like most Americans I'll be out at the pool listening to the gentle clinking of the wind chimes, the soft relaxing chirping of the birds, and surrounded by family and friends.

Or maybe I'll be working the whole freakin' weekend.

See you losers Tuesday!

My One and Only Road Rage Incident

This happened a few years ago:

Every single day I take the Massachusetts Turnpike to work and every single day I pay the same toll at the same exit. Most of the time I even give the money to the same guy at the same booth. For years and years I see the same people, make the same small talk.

So this one day I pull up to my regular guy and discover I can't find my ticket (this was before those transponder thingies) He informs me that without the ticket I'll have to pay the maximum toll.

My response:
"Dude, I drive this road every day and every day I give you the same amount of money...you know who I am"

His response:
"Sorry, those are the rules"

At this point the road rage starts. I start screaming at him! I try getting out of my car to strangle him but can't because my car door keeps hitting the tollbooth! And I'm so stupid I keep slamming the car into the tollbooth as if by doing it harder I'll be free of my car and ready to choke. I'm furious! I'm stuck in my car, horns are honking all around me, and the douchebag in the booth needs death. I'm not even close to rational at this point. I start taking all the change in my car and just start throwing it at him...empty water bottles, magazines, newspapers, umbrellas....anything not tied down I'm chucking at him. Finally I just drive off, beet red and shaking.

By the time I get home I'm calm and wicked embarrassed. I decide to phone the tollbooth to say I'm sorry. Have you ever phoned a tollbooth? It aint easy. I get a hold of Jay's supervisor and tell him the story. He already knows it and appreciates my call and tells me he'll pass it on to Jay.

Now keep in mind I still have to drive to work everyday, but I'm WAY too embarrassed and start going a different way every day so I won't have to run into Jay.

A year or two goes by and I finally say the heck with and go back to my regular route. And guess who is the very first tollbooth guy I get?

Nope, not Jay.

I get Jay the second day and we both just start cracking up and rehashing the incident. I think I place all the blame on my wife or mistress.

He understands.
And almost everyday he gives me a knowing nod and smile.

Someday I'm gonna lose my ticket again...I hope I get Jay.

There is no moral to this story.

Marry, F, or Kill.

It's a very simple game that sometimes gets played in 'the neighborhood' at parties. I believe it was totally swiped from some other game sold at fine toy stores everywhere.

I'll list three 'celebrities' and you have to pick if you'd rather marry them, sleep with them (F them), or kill them.

1a) David Letterman
1b) Jay Leno
1c) Jimmy Kimmel

2a) Saddam Hussein
2b) Osama bin Laden
2c) Al Gore

3a) Oprah
3b) Rosie O'Donell
3c) Hillary Clinton

4a) Cake
4b) Roger the Shrubber
4c) Clinky

5a) Jorge Posada
5b) ARod
5c) Derek Jeter

6a) Mrs. Brady
6b) Mrs. Partridge
6c) Mrs Cleaver.

7a) Bugs Bunny
7b) Daffy Duck
7c) Foghorn Leghorn

8a) Santa Claus
8b) Easter Bunny
8c) The Great Pumpkin

9a) Charlize Theron
9b) Teri Hatcher
9c) Scarlet Johanson

10a) Simon Cowell
10b) Paula Abdul
10c) Randy Jackson

Answer any you feel like and add a threesome of two of your own.

Good Things Happen To Good People.

(I was pretty much speechless when I saw this picture)

Things I'm Gonna Do After My Wife Dies In Iraq From A Roadside Bomb

1. Buy a spittoon.

2. Mourn.

3. Designate one of the closets at my house just for my slipper collection.

4. Have a LIFETIME movie marathon for me and my buddies.

5. Rename the kitchen The Hostess Pantry.

6. Stop belching.

7. Put dust ruffles on all beds.

8. Re-subscribe to the Oprah magazine.

9. Buddy Night will now become Buddy Month.

10. Take spitting lessons (you know, for the new spittoon)

11. Invest all of my remaining time, money, and energy into why NY Yankee fans smell so...ummmm.....different.

26 REASONS WHY GEORGE W. BUSH IS THE BEST PRESIDENT OF THE 21st CENTURY

1. He's a great clearer of brush.

2. He's nice to his mom.

3. Hot daughters

4. Never wears white past Veterans Day.

5. Beat Saddamn at arm wrestling.

6. Is building a big fence or something.

7. Tax breaks

8. Is pretty nice to dogs.

9. Doesn't wear capri pants like a certain J*hn K*rry probably does.

10. He puts the 'rep' in republican.

11. And the 'pub'

12. And the 'can'

13. He invented the beta max.

14. Ummmmm...ahhh. Salt n' Pepa hair.

15. Has 'My Sharona' on his ipod.

16. Saved Afgan rugs from the Taliban.

17. Is NOT a damn dirty ape like a certain A* G*re.

18. I said 26? Why did I say 26???

19. Nothing for #19

20. Sent in troops to IRAQ to remove roadside bombs...they seem to be getting most of them.

21. Stood on World Trade Center rubble with a bullhorn...how fucking cool was that??

22. Said cool patriotic stuff on said mound of rubble.

23. Organized cool concerts post 9/11...Bruce, Stones, the Who, etc...almost worth knocking a few buildings down for, huh?

24. He hired Donald Rumsfeld.

25. Building that fence to keep Canadians out.

26. He reads my blog. And Clinky's.

The Last Post Was Deleted Due To Technical Difficulties.

And now I have nothing to say.

Though business still thrives here.

And it especially thrives on the 3rd and 4th of each month.

Here are some of the more notable ones:

1. Mary's Mis-Matched Shoe Shack

2.Wally's Wobbily Shopping Cart Wheel Repair Hut.

3. The Refrigerator Box Shop.

4. The Bottle of "Water" in a Paper Bag Store.

5. The Vietnam Vets Flashback and Bingo Hall

6. The Bottle & Can Redemption Center and Meeting Place.

7. Sheer Madness Stubble Stylist.

8. The Lottery Scratch Ticket and Soup Kitchen House

9. Say Jesus Three Times OCD Help Center

10. Feed The PigeonsPark.

If you've drivin in Homeless Town, I'm sure you've seen other thriving business...