A short text conversation with my daughter the day before her wedding.

ME: "I wish you had a tail."

DAUGHTER:  "Me too."

What's wrong with this picture?

I'll tell you what's wrong...that's Radar O'Reilly from the tv series M*A*S*H. It takes place during the Korean "WAR". The Korean War was in the 1950s.

So?

Look at the comic book on Radar's lap!! It's an Avengers #60.

Published in 1969!

You are dead to me M*A*S*H.

If man was meant to read on the floor he would have been given wings.

I've probably blogged about this topic before.

Deal with it.

---

About an hour ago I walk out back and see a kid sitting on the floor reading one of my books.

I don't mind when people read in here... but for some reason I can't stand it when people sit on the floor and read. GET OFFA MY FLOOR!!

Anyhow...here is the conversation that followed once I spotted him on my floor reading:

ME: "May I get you a pillow?"

HIM: "No thank you! I'm using my jacket."

---

Round One goes to the kid.

Porn Comics

So a guy comes in the other day and asks for a very specific porn comic book.  (He's been in before. I like him)

He clearly knew what he wanted.

Here is the conversation:

GUY: "Do you have (porno comic)?

ME: "I'm not sure...let me check."

Then he looks at me.

He has a strange little smile on his face.

A twinkle in his eyes.

GUY:  "DON'T BE JUDGING ME!!"

ME: "If I was going to judge you I would have made fun of your shirt."

GUY:   ::::twinkle in eyes:::

I blame the...

Democrats!!

But...

I didn't.

I should have...

...thought it thru.

And...

....the whole joke comes out backwards!!!

I'm bored...

...with this already.

And I just...

...might be lying.

Unless....

I'm lying.

Due to the Government Shutdown...

I will be posting a new blog entry every 40 seconds.

Hi there.

So yesterday I did a post about the Post Office having a sign on their door that said THANKS FOR VISTING.

Now I'm in Door Sign Spotting Mode (or DSSM)

Today I go to the BANK OF AMERICA (The bank of AMERICA!!!) and on their door is a nicely made up sign that says:

HI THERE.

You read that right...The Bank of America is now owned by Freddy 'Boom Boom' Washington.

I thanked the teller for letting me visit.

They didn't 'get it'.

Thank you for visting!

I'm at the post office this morning and I notice this sign on the door:

THANK YOU FOR VISTING!

I wasn't visting. I was mailing a package.

I visit relatives,. I visit my friends.

I visit Cousin Saul.  (Well...maybe not Cousin Saul)

But I never VISIT the post office.

I mail stuff there.

They should change the sign:

THANK YOU FOR MAILING STUFF HERE.

(Thank you for visiting my blog)

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia (Massachusetts)

So the other night I'm sitting in the family room eating my dinner.

I was sitting in 'my chair'. Next to the chair is a small table with a lamp on it.

The lamp was turned on while I ate.  I like to see what I'm eating.

Guess what I did when I finished eating?

Yup...I turned the light off. (Like I've done every single time in the history of the world part 1.)

Here is the conversation that followed the light being shut off:

WIFEY: "Hey...what are you doing? There are other people in here ya know!"

ME:  :::Clicks light back on::

---------------------

Two days later I take some clothes out of the dryer, I bring them into the family room, dump them on couch so I can fold them.... and then turn the ceiling lights on so I can see what I'm folding.

Here is the conversation that followed me turning the light ON:

WIFEY:  "Hey...what are you doing? There are other people in here ya know!"

ME: "Fuck off."

MEDS

A customer comes in today and tells me some of the bad stuff that's been happening to him.

He mentions that at least he will be able to soon get off of his meds. Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "How long have you been taking these meds?"

HIM: "A long time."

ME: "Any side effects?"

HIM:  "They made my penis really, really big."

ME: "I know."

So once again a waitress thinks we are gay

So two guys going out to dinner automatically makes them gay, correct?

Well, that's the vibe that me and Hoag seem to give off.

It happened again last night. The waitress thought we were gay.

No big deal.

But I call her over to the table anyhow.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "I heard you think we are gay."

HER: "I never said that."

ME: "The owner told me you think we are gay. We're not. We are just two guys that go out to dinner every week togther and one of us dresses really nice."

HER: "I just assumed you were...I don't care if you are."

ME: "We ain't."

HER: "Okay blah blah blah small talk small talk small talk"

----

I'm glad we cleared that up. We go back to having a drink. She goes back to doing her job.

About a half hour later she cozies back up to our table.

Here is that conversation:

HER: "Do you guys like Elton John?"

Hotdogs

So the other day I get home and make a few hotdogs for dinner.

Afterwards I saunter over to give Wifey a hug (or something)

Here is the conversation that followed:

WIFEY: "Get away from me!"

ME: "Why?"

WIFEY: "You have hotdog fingers."

ME: "I ain't got no hotdog fingers."

WIFEY: "You do."

ME: "Don't."

WIFEY: "Do."

ME: "I don't...I washed my hands."

WIFEY: "Hotdog fingers."