Sunday, August 17, 2008

Your duty as a parent.





It's your duty as a parent to find your child's weakness and then exploit it for your own amusement.

Find a flaw. Make fun of flaw. Create complex about said flaw.

Simple. Fun. Your duty.

So years and years ago we noticed my oldest child's head was enormous.

So we made fun of her. For years and years. And years.

Yet that child would just smile and shrug it off and go to school and be all happy and stuff.

And the other kids wouldn't make fun of her giant head. Or wouldn't notice it.

Or something.

But me and Wifey kept at it. Day after day, month after month, year after year.

(and yes, Wifey was complicit in this act)

This damn child of ours was gonna get a complex about her hefty noggin or we would die trying!

Or something.

Infant morphed into toddler. Toddler morphed into whatever toddlers morph into.

Pre-teen into teen. High school into college.

And never the damn desired complex!

She has a massive head, yet nobody but us makes fun of it!

How could that be?

How?

But we kept at it.

Still no complex. Why?? WHY?

Did she have a mutant power we didn't know about? Some non-complex gene?

Or something?

---

So the other night I'm at home listing some items on ebay, measuring them with a tape measure, when all of a sudden I look at Ol' Muffin Head and walk up to her.

{With tape measure in hand}


And I measure her gigantic head!

Width of said melon!

Height of said melon!

Aborted attempt at circumference of said melon! (tape measure was metal...it made it difficult to get a true reading)

And the results were in...



Turns out her head is normal sized.

Normal. Size. Head.

She just has real thick hair and it made her head look enormous all these years.

---------------

SO TO SUM UP:

When you see my oldest daughter take a look at her hands. They're wicked tiny. Freakshow tiny.

11 comments:

Clinky said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=varaAADgC84

Jayne said...

Ha!!

Exploitation of a child is a must. It's the only reason I ever had one.

cake said...

She must get the tiny hands from you.

And you know what they say about a man with tiny hands...

cake said...

Small glove size!

What did you think I meant?

Lois Lane said...

Jayne: You forgot the other reason to have children--so they can drive mommy to the pub!

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/17202495/detail.html?rss=dfw&psp=news

cake said...

Awww, now I want kids.

cousin saul said...

Kids taste like chicken.

cousin saul said...

Man! Now I want chicken!

Anonymous said...

I want chicken.

Sparkle Plenty said...

I have so very much fallen in love with the cover of that comic book. I think I need a poster of it on my wall.

a chicken said...

GET AWAY FROM ME!