Our New Feature: OVERHEARD AT A BAR

GUY AT BAR: "Hey, hey we're The Monkees..."

Fun at the Robert Plant show. Or something.

So I'm in Target yesterday and decide I need to wash my hands.

I go into the bathroom.

The floor is wet. The wet floor sign is up.

A maintenance guy is messing with the urinal.

Here is the conversation:

GUY: "Sorry about the mess."

ME: "No problem...what happened?"

GUY: "Some guy was in here changing his kids diaper and tried to flush it down the urinal."

ME: "Maybe the kid just peed in the diaper."

GUY: "Good point...I never thought of that."

ME: "See ya."

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Maintenance guy ain't no Hawking.

Things I've learned not to say.

When walking into my house and seeing Wifey wearing a striped shirt:

ME: "Hey...where's Waldo?"

Why I hang around with a guy named Hoagy.

So last night we're out on Buddy Nite at a restaurant.

We're seated near the hostess station where they take reservations and stuff.

So Hoag dials up the restaurant for no particular reason. We hear the phone ring.

We see the hostess walk over to answer it.

Hoag hangs up the phone.

Hostess answers phone only to hear a dial tone.

Hostess goes off to do something.

Hoag dials up restaurant.

Phone rings.

Hostess goes over to answer the phone.

Hoag hangs up just as she answers it.

Hostess hears dial tone. Shakes head. Goes off to help bartenders.

Hoag dials up the restaurant.

Phone rings.

Hostess runs over to answer phone.

Hoag hangs up before she gets to phone. Hostess hears dial tone.

We snicker. This repeats about a dozen times.

The more he does it the funnier it gets.

The angrier the hostess gets.

Hoag dials up restaurant. Hostess goes to answer it. Hoag hangs up before she answers. Dial tone.

I'm dying.

Hoag is dying.

This goes on for an hour or two.

Finally the hostess catches me.

ME???

I didn't do anything!!! It was Hoag.

She calls me a dink.

A dink???

Hoag dials up the restaurant...

Pretzel Saga part two

WIFEY: I bought you Tri-Sum because they didn't have Mister Salty."

ME: "I didn't want Tri-Sum."

When I ask for Mister Salty

...that don't mean Tri-Sum.

I hate you Q-tip.

Here's the problem with Q-tips.

You use one to clean out your ear and some wax appears on the cotton part. It's gross.

You use one to clean out your ear and nothing appears on the cotton part. It's a waste of a Q-tip.

L is for loser

Wifey: My Own Private Ore Ida Ho

I usually get home late.

And Wifey makes me dinner.

It's just the way things work at Casa IANO.

So I get home the other night and I see Wifey on the couch with a blanket over her.

UH-OH!

Blanket over Wifey usually means I ain't eating no gourmet.

But Wifey takes care of me. Doesn't she?

I look in the kitchen and see a pan with water in it.

Then I hear Wifey speak:

"I put a pan of water on the stove for you!"

Now let's get something straight....putting a pan of water on the stove is not cooking dinner for me.

Yet somehow, by putting the pan filled with water on the stove, she fulfilled her cooking obligation to me.

Lukewarm water isn't my favorite meal...but at least it was placed there with love.

And that must count for something.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have uncooked pasta.

(or tater tots)

BREAKING NEWS!

Gabrielle Giffords just signed to replace Dick Clark on NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE.

"Bag do yood, Wyan."

I read the headlines so you don't have to.

Here are some of today's headlines from newspapers all around the country.

(Headline writers like the word rampage and massacre)

----
GUNMAN ATTACKS U.S.REP.

SHOOTER TARGETS REP.

SHOOTING SPREE

RAMPAGE!

TRAGEDY IN TUSCON

ARIZONA RAMPAGE

ARIZONA ASSASSIN

SHOOTING SHAKES NATION

ARIZONA MELEE

RAMPAGE IN ARIZONA

MASSACRE SHAKES ARIZONA

I-PHONE COMING TO VERIZON?

'SENSELESS' BLOODSHED

DARK DAY IN ARIZONA

SAFEWAY MASSACRE

'UNSPEAKABLE'

MASACRE EN TUSCON

JETS BEAT COLTS!

What are the Golden Voiced Hobo's thoughts on the shooting in Arizona?

Too soon to update this? (Is the t-shirt ironic on Jan. 8th?)

It's 'Out of Context Paragraph From a News Story Day!'

'He'd earlier appeared at club Liv, wearing a mask that he never removed. Spies said he seemed "wobbly and incoherent" while partying with a group of dwarfs.'

Filling in for Hoag

Things that interested me in 1971

So yesterday I spot this book behind my counter at the shop.

It was a book I read when I was eleven years old. I read it numerous times.

All In Color For A Dime.

I read it so much it was falling apart.

{Hmmmmmm....this copy here is falling apart!}

So I flip through book.

On the last page is a coupon that you could order other books from the publisher.

The coupon is filled out in pencil.

By me.

From 1971.

My own book from 1971 is behind my counter.

I must have sold it years ago and then bought it back recently from the guy who bought it.

So what book did I mean to buy via a coupon in the back of this book?

WHY DID THEY NAME IT? by Hannah Campbell. The story behind the stories of the brand names that have become household words.

----
I was eleven years old. For some reason this interested me. But not enough to actually send in my ninety five cents plus fifteen cents postage.

2:23 to Yuma

So last night Wifey goes over a girlfriend's house for dinner.

She arrives home at 8:37.

Here is the conversation we have:

WIFEY: "Are you watching this?"

ME: "Not really...I'm playing Angry Birds."

WIFEY: "I'm going up to bed."

ME: "It's only 8:37!"

WIFEY: "I'm not gonna stay down here and watch you play Angry Birds."

ME: "I'll put it down."

WIFEY: "There's nothing on TV anyhow."

ME: "It's only 8:37."

WIFEY: "Yeah...but by the time I go up and get my pajamas on and stuff it will be time for bed. I'm just gonna stay up there."

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It takes two hours and twenty three minutes to get ready for bed?? TWO HOURS AND TWENTY THREE MINUTES!!!

First blog post of 2011 and I put up a lame YouTube.

2011 is gonna be awesome around here.