Time for another acronym game.

Because Bacon Ace demanded it!

He did. Really.

You know the rules...make a sentence using these letters as the first letter of your words.

Today's special bonus subject will be PREGNANT. Use that word and get lots and lots of bonus points.

Here are your random (except for the letter P) letters:

r-n-p-g-t-w

A simple story. A simple solution.

Years ago this gal lived next door to me and we were the best of friends. Always laughing and having fun.

Maybe even a slight crush.

She moved away.

And then one day maybe ten years later I saw her in a restaurant. A bit of small talk.

Here is how it went:

ME: "So how have you been?"

BECKYJEAN: "Great!"

ME: ::gesturing towards her stomach:: "So when's the baby due?"

BECKYJEAN: "I'm not pregnant."

ME: "Oh."

...and I haven't seen her since.

Moral of the story:

If you look like you're pregnant but aint, wear a sign around your neck that says : I AINT PREGNANT.

NAACP buries the wrong word !!

So the other day the NAACP (National Association of African-American People) had a mock funeral and 'buried' the N-word. Really.

(I'm sure Whitey McPale dug it up three seconds later)

But anyhow...

The real word that should have been buried is:

MASKS.

The plural of mask.

Say it out loud....masks. Make sure you say the plural. Masks.

Notice at the end of the word you have that little skip that doesn't sound correct...the ska-ska sound?

I said say it out loud. Dumbest word ever. Ska-ska. It should flow like other plural words but it don't. Masks. Drives me nuts. Mask ska ska.

Where the heck is the NAACP (National Association of American Afirican-American Associated Society Of Non-White Colored Black Negroes) when you really need them.

Masks ska-ska.

Pancakes save marriage!

Why I've never divorced my wife:

Came home last night to two large stacks of buttermilk pancakes.

And butter. (the butter wasn't in two large stacks)

And milk (the milk wasn't in stacks either)

And for all you women trying to salvage your marriage, you can't just make pancakes everyday and expect him to stick around.

The key to marriage saving pancakes is that they only show up every six weeks or so.

Or maybe every five weeks.

The umbrella story.

So today I'm coming into work and it's raining fairly heavy when I notice this woman pushing a stroller with a child in it.

Now this woman was pretty smart because she had this clear like covering over the stroller protecting her child from the rain.

She was also holding an umbrella to protect herself from the rain. Cuz she's smart, correct?

So where is the story? Is there a point to today's blog? A smart women with a stroller and an umbrella does not make for good blog fodder.

Most of the time it doesn't.

But today it does.

You see, this woman had a tiny umbrella and a huge ass. Her sweatpanted covered buttocks were soaking wet because the tiny umbrella couldn't cover that giant fanny. She deemed it more important to cover her bad hairstyle than her bad ass.

And it made me laugh.

Why?

Because it's funny to see a dry woman with a drenched behind. Always has been. Always will be.

RCN, ice cream, and me

Everybody has stress.

In the last few months I've had a lot. Moving my business is WAY stressful and I thought it was finally done.

But then the building next door was getting a new tenant and the construction began.

Sawing and hammering. Smells of paint and polyurethene. Glass guys. Trash guys. Radios blaring. Phone guys, floor sanders, lighting guys. The air conditioning guys on the roof. Pounding. Hammering. Sawing. Jackhammers outside for water mains. Non english speaking yammering. Yelling. Breaking. Dumpsters filling.

Dry wall guys, painters. On andf on.

Every day for the past two months the noise level next door got unbearable. Electric and gas company guys in MY basement. Pounding and talking and yammering away. NOISE NOISE NOISE. Driving me nuts.

And finally the work was finished. My life was just about back to normal. It was peaceful again. Quiet.

And then on Tuesday it happened.

The RCN van pulled up with the words FREE ICE CREAM emblazoned on the side of the truck. And the truck started playing the 'It's a small world" jingle over and over and over again. for hours the fucking van sat in front of my store blaring out "It's a small world after-all, It's a small world after.....all"

They gave out free ice cream in front of my store for hours and hours with that godforsaken song wafting out of it's crap sound system.

Though it had nothing whatsoever to do with the guys moving in next door I blame them.

It's a small NOISY world afterall.

And I didn't even get a free ice cream.

Joey Chestnut

We salute you my friend! Thank you for making America proud once again.

::raises glass in Joey Chestnut's direction::

How fitting it happened on July 4th.

Never forget

With this being the 10th anniversary of 9/11 I think we should all, just for a moment, remember that tragic day when they blew up the Independence Towers.

Now go back to your cookouts and swimming and stuff!

(thank god the terrorists blew those fuckers up or we'd all be working today!)

Greatest rock and roll song ever.

Radar Love by Golden Earring.

I'm right. You're wrong.

Live Free or Die Hard

I saw that movie over the weekend and wondered what future sequels might be called.

1. Die Die Die, Hard Hard Hard

2. Die? Hardly.

3. The Die is Cast My Hard Friend.

4. Hard to Die.

5. Dying to be Hard

6. Hardly Dying

7. Di? She died hard.

8. Die, Laurel and Hardy

9. Hard and Dead

10. Live and Let Die Hard

11. Live Dead or Die Free

12. To Live and Die Hard in L.A.

13. Goobers

Racist candy? You be the judge.

So I'm down at the Ku Klux Klan Korner Kandy Shoppe and here is what I see on the shelves:

1. Chunky 'Ho

2. Bit O' Guinea

3. Massa Goodbar

4. Kit Kat Klan bar

5. (In the halloween display) Candy Coon

6. The 3 Muslimteers bar

7. Sniggers

8. That aint my baby, Ruth!

9. Whatchamacalit, Sucka

10. Niggarageous

11. Pixy Spiks

12. Mulatto Cup

13. (in the hotel mini-bar) TobyLeon

14. Charleston Jew

15. Woppers

16. Jew Jew Fruit

17. Raisin-4FatherlessKidsOnOneWelfareCheck- ettes

Headless bodies found.

A story in the paper (online) tells about 20 headless bodies found in Baghdad.

Which of course raises some questions:

1. Why were these headless bodies hiding?

2. Who were these headless bodies hiding from?

3. Why is Baghdad such a haven for the headless?

4. Do the headless get thirsty?

5. Are headless folk good kissers?

6. Do the headless have dental plans? If not, what do they do with the extra money?

7. Is investing in Baghdad Haberdashery a bad investment?

8. Do the headless seek out other headless? The finding of 20 of them all together suggests a big yes.

9. If a gal was ugly when she had a head and then becomes headless is she still ugly?

10. Do the headless get colds?

11. How do you know what baseball team the headless root for?

12. If the Beatles sang about the headless....oh, nevermind.

Another one of my premonitions came true

...and it's starting to scare me.

Attack on the Esplanade

If you don't know what the Esplanade is....google it. It's in the Boston area.

So anyhow, it seems there was some kinda attack on a woman and her daughter(?) on the Esplanade the other night. It was on the news this morning and the reporter interviewed someone that was nearby. Here is part of that interview:

Reporter: "So....what are your thoughts about the attack on the Esplanade?"

Broad being interviewed: "It's a shame that an attack can happen in such a beautiful area."

--------------------------------

Hopefully our new governor will make it a law that future attacks must be in run down areas only.

The Canadian Crippler

Well, it seems my premonition was spot on.

a premonition

I have a premonition.


Liz Claiborne (the fashion icon )will die this week.

The Man of 1000 Faces

So last night buddy nite is winding down and the waiter brings the dessert for me, The Blonde, and the Hoag. Some kinda chocolate thing with ice cream and tons of raspberry sauce all over the plate.

While me and the Blonde eat our dessert the Hoag proceeds to:

1. Dab his finger in said raspberry sauce and make dot on forehead and then talk with a New Delhi accent.

::cleans off::

2. Dab his finger in said sauce, smear near left nostril, and act like a strung out cocaine addict.

::cleans off::

3. Dabs his finger in sauce and make stwo smears on both sides of his mouth to bring out his 'inner vampire'

::cleans off::

4. Dabs finger in sauce, makes smear on cheek, pretends he was in a fight.

::cleans off::

5. Refuses to take my suggestion to smear on cheeks like Indian war paint and scream out "woo-woo-woo' (or whatever it is native drunken indians say)

6. Dabs finger in sauce, applies as lip gloss and proceeds to let out his inner fem. And trust me....he has an inner fem.

And that is this weeks Buddy Nite round-up.

How I know my youngest daughter loves ME more than she loves my wife.

Do I know she loves me more even though she talks to my wife more?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though she cuddles with my wife more?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife helps her with school projects and stuff?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife understands her better?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife pays more attention to her?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife does her more favors and treats her better?

Nope.

Do I know she loves me more even though my wife is her best friend in the world?

Nope.

So how do I KNOW my youngest daughter loves me more than she loves my wife?

I'll tell ya how I know. She gave me chocolate covered cashews for Father's Day.

And chocolate covered cashews tell no lies.

Wal-Mart

So the big news the other day was that Wal-Mart wants to change their image from a hillbilly department store to a different kind of hillbilly department store. Here is what their genius decided:

The would get rid of the blue smocks that their hillbilly employees wear. Keep in mind... emblazoned on the back of said smocks it screams HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

Wal-Mart executives don't think shoppers know how to identify Wal-Mart employees so now they're gonna be dress in tan pants with blue polo shirts. You know, like non hillbillies.

Have you ever seen a shopper wearing a blue smock with the words HOW MAY I HELP YOU? on the back? And big giant buttons adorned on the front with some lame ass saying?

And the best part of the whole 'get rid of blue smocks' thing is that Wal-Mart is going to recycle said smocks into blankets for our troops. I'm not making this up. Some of our blown up bleeeding troops are gonna be wrapped up in blue sweatstained hillbilly blankets. That should be comforting.

God Bless America.

If the Beatles sang about Crispy Hexagons

When in doubt, use the tired 'if the Beatles sang about' premise.

1. Lucy in the Sky with Hexagons

2. Hexagon Shexagon

3. I am the Hexagon

4. The Long and Crispy Road

5. Why Don't We Do It In The Bowl

6. I Want To Hold Hold Your Hexagon

7. Fixing a Bowl

Even for mailing it in, I'm mailing it in....