Friday, June 29, 2007

Racist candy? You be the judge.

So I'm down at the Ku Klux Klan Korner Kandy Shoppe and here is what I see on the shelves:

1. Chunky 'Ho

2. Bit O' Guinea

3. Massa Goodbar

4. Kit Kat Klan bar

5. (In the halloween display) Candy Coon

6. The 3 Muslimteers bar

7. Sniggers

8. That aint my baby, Ruth!

9. Whatchamacalit, Sucka

10. Niggarageous

11. Pixy Spiks

12. Mulatto Cup

13. (in the hotel mini-bar) TobyLeon

14. Charleston Jew

15. Woppers

16. Jew Jew Fruit

17. Raisin-4FatherlessKidsOnOneWelfareCheck- ettes


cake said...

I can't believe I'm doing this...


Anonymous said...

See, now, when NoOprah does this, it is finely crafted Swiftian satire.

But when Cake does it, she's just a racist sow.

By the way, has anyone noticed that "Goobers", "Ike and Mike", "black licorice" and "red licorice" would fit right on those shelves without any modification?

As would the Nestle Hymie Bar.

-- Lamont "Munchy, Crunchy, Chocolatey" Cranston

Anonymous said...

They have a *very* small natural foods section, in which they sell a few dusty, stale White Power Bars.

Lexiconical Lamont: While I understand that your comment re: cakie is itself neatly-honed satire, I must nonetheless slap you and challenge you to a duel on her behalf. Warning: I fight like a girl. Plus, I plan to throw a hissy fit beforehand. Hold my coffee cup for me, cake.

Myrna "At 10 Paces" Loy

Anonymous said...

Keeping it anonymous today...


Anonymous said...

Coffee Nips

chinese guy said...


bacon ace said...

yeah OK I'm ashamed of myself, but I'm not going to hide my identity:


-Ritz "Crackers"

-All day Suckah

-Cadbury's Mini-gger-eggs

bacon ace said...

OH NO! Woppers was already done. Oh well, who said racism was intelligent?

-Reese's Peanut Butter Kykes

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Whiteman's Samboler

bacon ace said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I Ain't No Oprah said...

Almond Jew

8th Avenue

bacon ace said...

-Manifest Destiny Bars (all white chocolate coming soon to an all chocolate counter)

-Raisinettes in the Sun

cake said...

You get 'em, Myrna! Hit him, hit him! Why are you running? No, wait, come back! I still have your coffee cup!!!


Errr, okay, Lamont, it seems I have to defend my own honour. C'mon, let's go...::boxes the air::

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Kike and Ike

Anonymous said...


Lois Lane said...

Myrna, Cake: Don't worry. Lamont fights like a girl too.

Of course, that girl is Bea Arthur, so I'd be careful.

Anonymous said...

Cotton Patch Kids

cake said...

Black licorice? (What? Too on the nose?)

cake said...


It was a short fight. I turned the tv on and he was instantly mesmerized by infomercials. I won by default!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Abbadul Zabbadul Atta

albert speer said...


Anonymous said...


The White Power bars are for the discriminating palate.

And.. you want a duel? You got it, sister. Why don't we step outside?

Of course, I'm writing this from a submarine. You go first.


You do realize that I would have made the same comment (modifying the gender of the pig) for whomever posted first, yes?

And the correct terminologies for licorice are African-American licorice and Indigenous People licorice. Not black and red.

NoOprah: SEVENTH Avenue is the rag trade locale. Not Eighth. Ya schmuck.

Lois: Bea Arthur jokes? That's one girlyman I wouldn't want annoyed with me.

Side note: Bea Arthur's performance at the Pamela Anderson roast blew away all the other comedians. Worth watching for that -- and to see Courtney Love try to steal the show. Arthur kicks ass and takes names.

-- Lamont "KKKavities" Cranston

A.Sharpton said...

Pickn Cotton Candy
Jelly Beaners
Porch Monkey Munch

hell again, said...

that handbasket's getting kind of full.

Anonymous said...

Gook n' Plenty?

Anonymous said...

1) Cake: Sorry, hon...I was off looking for my nice new dueling gloves and then I saw a puppy and found something shiny and I forgot what I was doing. Myrna "Mind Like Steel Trap" Loy
2) Lois: BEA ARTHUR? Jinkies! Myrna "Yellow Belly" Loy
3) Lamont: Hi, Lamont! You're looking very dapper--may I say debonair--today (bea arthur, oh sweet lord, distract him fast. Check out this puppy!
Myrna "Give Peace a Chance" Loy

Anonymous said...


Nope. Not gonna distract me with dachshunds. Not gonna do it.

-- Lamont "Instant Karma's Gonna Get Jew" Cranston

Clinky said...

All Candy is Racist. It's just another way for "The Man" to keep us down.

Huggy bear said...

Niggo Wafers

average white band said...

$100,000 in Stolen Bling bar.

Anonymous said...

Oyvey Henry?

canuckian cake said...

Where's your Canada Day post, hmmm? Don't make me send Nort' Countree guy after you...he's pretty scary.

candy-colored clown from de nort' countree said...

Whe Hai was a chile, Hai loved dese bonbons:

Blackballs (Is hard suck-on candy)

Black Babies (Licorice Jewjubes)
Black Crows (Licorice Jewjubes)

Hai wonder why dey don' make dem no more.

Dey do make still make good petit gateaus, though. Ah, how you say... Little cakes.

The vanilla cake is May West.
The chocolat is Joe Louis.