About two months or so ago I started watching with my wife something called Dancing With The Stars (B-level losers paired with professional dancers in a dancing contest) Within 24 hours of watching the first episode I was contacted by Man Club that if I was going to continue watching Dancing With The Stars I would have to have my testicles surgically removed. I knew Wifey enjoyed the show so I agreed to the operation. It's actually kinda simple and they do this new procedure where they detach them but they are easily put back on using some sort of microscopic zipper thingy.
So anyhow week after week I tune into Dancing With The Stars, unzip my testicles, put them in the freezer until the next day, and then continue watching Dancing With The Stars. And a funny thing happens. I start judging the 'Stars' on their dancing ability as if I know I Rhumba from from a Kimba from a Fox Trot to a Waltz. The dancing team will finish their routine and I'll say crap like "That was a 9.0!" or "Look at the arm movements on Joey Lawerence...fabulous!"
I find myself wanting to buy Sara Evans CDs and watcing Mario Lopez (M-Lo) in whatever it is he's in. I want silk shirts and a spray on tan! I want to dance and skip and embrace life!
But then the show is over for another week. I zip back on my testicles. I go back to watching LOST and CSI and war movies and football and westerns. I spit. Maybe swear some. Eat red meat.
And then before you can say "I'll trade you three Bicentennial Thimbles for two of your Vatican Thimbles".... Dancing With The Stars is on again and I'm all about the Sambo or Rambo or whatever they're called. I'm back to shouting "It's a 10.0" or "Look at his form and style"
All without my testicles of course.
They are in the freezer.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
I like that show. It takes skill and stamina.
And the costumes are to die for!
We've all done stupid stuff to make our wive's happy. Hell I went to see Les Miserables, and yes, I was miserable. Truth in advertising there folks.
Ever since Jerry Springer got voted off the dance floor, I've had no use for Dancing With The Stars.
Then again, I had no use for it when Jerry Springer was still in contention.
Have I mentioned recently that I don't own a television set?
-- Lamont Cranston
Dear Lamont,
So very, very sad.
Maybe we could all chip in a few dollars and get you one.
Joey's in the closet.
Mario's got inferiority issues.
The token chick needs to be voted off.
I want Emmit to win. Even though he was a Dallas Cowboy and it goes against all my sports principles.
Oh and my husband watches it on his own... along with American Idol. I can't do American Idol. I just can't. Can you give me the name of your doctor for my husband? ;-)
Dear NoOprah:
Just pin those dollars to Don Zimmer and they'll get to me eventually. Or, if Zimmer isn't available, Dick Ebersol will do just fine.
-- Lamont Cranston
P.S. I'll take you up on your offer when The Powers That Be finally remove all the episodes of The Young Ones from YouTube.
What happens if your zipper breaks and you can't get your testacles back on?
Would you have to close your business and open a Pillows & Curtains store with tasteful seasonal window displays?
Does anyone else think that "Dancing With the Retards" sounds far more entertaining?
Bemis,
He should totally get the velcro type.
Oooh Dancing with Midgets?
That was hysterical, Nooprah!
I hear ya, though. When I first saw ads for the show, I thought it looked boring (I mean, ballroom dancing???). But put the blame on lack of good TV programs, and I, too, have become a dance critic.
Can you believe the amazing bends and positions the token female dancer can do with her body? – A real contortionist – ‘Gumby-gal’. I think she deserves at least 2nd place.
Mario needs to stop dancing with his face - it distracts from his obvious skills. Joey's a little light in the loafers, as they say (twinkle toes) but good.
Last years' winner, Cheryl is fabulous, and her and Emmit are fun to watch.
There you have it.
Now I'm ready to start poking fun at what Paula A. slurs out (while dangling arms in the air) on American Idol - another show I never thought I'd like or watch!
"All without my testicles of course.
They are in the freezer."
I hope they don't get freezer burn...
"Cousin Steve" is anagram for "Seven Coitus"
Post a Comment