I couldn't make this up. (actually i could....but didn't)

>>>>LONDON (April 26) -- Hugh Grant has been arrested and questioned by police after a photographer accused the actor of attacking him with a tub of baked beans. <<<

Busy with the Louvre.

Now where the heck did I put that Mona Lisa?

Mooging...

...no time for blogging.

(sounds futuristic, huh?)

Gone fishin'

Don orange and maroon and show your Hoagy spirit.

Seems like the good folks at Virginia Tech wants the United States to dress in the Hoagy school colors of maroon and orange to show our support for the victims of the massacre.

If the good folk of the United States dress in said maroon and orange... I'm guessing there will be a lot more victims...fashion victims. Don't the Hoagies of Virginia Tech know that orange and maroon don't really go together? Wouldn't those colors totally take away the rich dark hues of my smoldering eyes?

How about if I wear blue jeans to show my support? And maybe a white t-shirt?

I'm pretty sure that will end most of the grief and sorrow.

But I'll bring a candle just in case it don't.

And maybe a ribbon pinned to my shirt.

Or an armband.

Or something.

NEXT WEEK ON IANO:

Bears!

A funny Hoagy story!

A wacky customer story!

A Beatles song parody!

We'll make fun of a celebrity that dies or utters a racial slur.

I'll utter a racial slur!

Stories of contractors from hell!

A T & T: they don't give a fuck!

Global *snicker* warming.

Hillary's thighs ::vomits::

A Barack Obama/ Osama bin Laden typo

A comment about Bush still probably being better than Gore or Kerry

Lois: The natural blonde. I think not.

Buddy Nite hijinx

New Zealand: country of retards or beautiful paradise?

Imagine if the Beatles wrote about the Virginia Tech Massacre

(When in doubt have the Beatles write songs about something....it's foolproof)

1. TechsMan

2. Mean Mr. Cho

3. Ob-La- DIE DIE DIE! Ob-La -Da

4. Maxwell's Silver Glock

5. Blacksburg

6. I Am The Douchebag

7. Rambling Incoherent Writer

And a bunch of others....

Deadly Rampage at Bloody Massacre U: Day 3

Random thoughts:

So somehow,someway, the brave souls at Virginia Tech managed to find enough candles to go around. And once again the burning of candles brought nobody back to life. Maybe next time.

With Bush proclaiming Korea part of the Axis of Evil is it any surprise the killer was Korean? Maybe all part of Bush's masterplan to attack Korea under the guise of something or other.

The shooter's name was Cho....any chance he was a nappy haired Cho?

Is Don Imus wishing the shooting occured maybe a week or so earlier? Life is all about.

Timing.

Bloody Massacre at Rampage U.

Don't you love when something 'tragic' happens and the media feels compelled to name the event? And the network news shows love to add theme music.

With the Virginia Tech thing, most media outlets have simply dubbed it:

Massacre at Virginia Tech

A few went with Rampage at Virginia Tech.

The real shame in all of this is that I don't have a tractor trailer filled with candles to sell for the upcoming candlelight vigils soon to occur.

On the news this morning one idiot college student pleaded with candle makers to send down free candles because the town has been wiped out of all candles.

I feel his candle-less pain.

I've now named the incident:
Waxless at Virginia Tech!

Theme song:
No Candles in the Wind

Don Ho. R.I.P.

Famed singer Don Ho just died.

And it clearly raises the question:

Was he a nappy haired Ho?

Blood, breakfast, and buddies.

Years ago at this party my friend 'Dwayne' was drunk and passed out on a chair and people started goofing on him...shaving cream on his hand, stuffed animals under his arms, all sorts of silly stuff. Harmless stuff. Stuff we did to Dwayne kinda stuff.

And then one guy thought it would be a riot to shave Dwaynes mustache.

Well, guess what? Shaving someones mustache when they're passed out is not funny. It's a jerk thing to do so I stopped it.

Stopping the shaving ended up with me getting my face punched over and over and over again. by the guy who had the shaving fetish.

The 'fight' ended up outside where I continued to take a beating...face repeatly slammed into a hood of a car until I was a bloody pulp.

The beauty of the whole thing was that after I was hit the first or second time I realized the pain didn't get any worse....it hurt, but getting hit again didn't hurt more.

So I started laughing at my 'attacker'. And he hit me some more. So I laughed harder. And got hit harder So I laughed harder. Got hit harder. Laughed. Hit. Laugh. Hit. Laugh.

I was winning this so called battle even though I was the one all bloody.

Finally a bunch of folks broke it up and kicked his ass and life went on.

A few hours later Dwayne woke up and me, Hoag, Moose, and Dwayne all went out to get breakfast. The three of them ....and me soaked in blood. Eating breakfast. All like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Good times. Good breakfast

Beatles, corn cobs, and you.

So after yesterday's horrific tale of using corn cobs as toilet paper it got me thinking what it would have been like had the Beatles written about said corn cobs...

1. Cob la-de, cob la-da

2. Magical Mystery Sore

3. Can't Buy Me Salve

4. Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Cob Band

5. Twist and Shout

6. Happiness is a Warm Cob


And I could go on and on...

(#6 will be hard to beat)

I wish I didn't learn this.

I was watching the History Channel last night and they were doing a show about what people did before toilet paper.

All sorts of weird things. That's what.

But the thing that really freaked me was corn cobs. Corn. Cobs.

Seems folks would feed their pigs with corn on the cob. After the pigs were done eating the people would take the discarded cobs and soak them in water until they were really soft and then use that to wipe themselves.

THEY WIPED THEMSELVES WITH CORN COBS!!!! (corn cobs chewed on by pigs I might add)

And then what did they do with them? Feed those to the retarded pigs? Reuse them? Bury them? Play touch football with them?

Did the bathroom just have a big bucket of soaking corn cobs next to whatever they sat on? Did the whole family use the same cob? For how long?

I'm sure all these questions were answered but once I heard that people used corn cobs I switched the TV off.

And then I went into the bathroom and bowed to Jenny Cottonelle...

(sex) Global Warming (sex)

So the other day on sports radio they are talking about Global Warming (snicker) and they're going down this huge list of things we can to to prevent Global Warming (snicker) and item #45 really cracked me up.

Item #45 says that whenever we go somewhere by car we should plot a course using right hand turns because right hand turns don't consume as much fuel as left hand turns do.

So here is my new way home:

Take a right hand turn and go south on Interstate 95 until I come to Florida (Hi Jeb!), take a right hand turn at Florida and go 2,400 miles to California (Hi Arnie!)...bang a right hand turn at California and go up the coast, thru Oregon and Washington. Take another right hand turn at the Canadian border and continue until you get to New Hampshire and then take another right hand turn and continue driving until you reach Massachusetts and then keep taking right hand turns until you find my house.

"Hi Honey...sorry I'm late!"

See? Even us Republicans care about (sex) Global Warming (sex)

The douche at the bank.

So I'm in the drive-thru lane at the bank and I'm behind this electrictians van and I'm waiting....and waiting ...and waiting....and nothing is happening....so I wait some more and some more.

I've been sitting there for over ten minutes and I'm starting to get edgy.

And then I notice the electrician is WAY more edgy then I could ever be. He starts screaming at the bank teller through the glass, frantically waving his arms around, swearing and throwing out threats left and right.

So I roll down my window to hear the whole thing. Here is how that went.

ELECTRICIAN: "I WANT YOUR NAME, THE MANAGERS NAME, I WANT EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN THE BANKS NAME!!"

BANK TELLER: "You'll have to come in sir."

ELECTRICIAN: "Don't tell me what to do douche...is that your name? Douche? How do you spell that, huh...douche? D-O-U-C-H-E? Are you a douche? I've benn a customer for years and you are a douche! D-O-U-C-H-E! That's you name, correct? Douche?

BANK TELLER: You'll have to come in sir."

ELECTRICIAN: DOUCHE! That's you name! I want everybodys name! YOURS IS DOUCHE! CORRECT? YOU ARE A DOUCHE!! Spell it! D-O-U-C-H-E!

ME: ::thinks to self...maybe I should smack electrician douche::

ME: ::does nothing::

ME: ::continues to listen to drama unfold::

ELECTRICIAN: "I'll get you fired MR., MR, MISTER DOUCHE!

ELECTRICIAN: ::speeds out of parking lot with tires spinning up smoke and dirt::

ME: ::drives up to window:: "How ya doin?"

BANK TELLER: ::smiles, shakes head::

And it was at that moment I noticed the bank tellers name badge: Saleme HaDouche

h-a-D-O-U-C-H-E.

And I smiled.

Nothing

I have nothing today and I'm way busy so I'm just gonna write some words using the letters in the word NOTHING.

NO

GOT

TIN

GIN

IN

TON

HIT

IT

GOTH

HOT

ON

THIN

NOT

Now you have to write a sentence using all of those words (you can use others words also, but all of those have to be used)

Best sentence wins a prize.

See? I got nothing.

Keith being Keith

So the cool story that hit the wires yesterday was that a few years ago after his dad died, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones took some of his fathers ashes ( I think he was cremated )....mixed it up with some cocaine and snorted his dad.

I repeat: He snorted his dad. With cocaine. Keith Richards took some of his dads cremated remains and mixed it with cocaine and snorted it. And then said the high was pretty good.

Please, please, please I beg you....when I die keep the Hoag away from my cremated remains.

Keep Keith away also.

Lucky's Trailer Sales

So I'm driving down the Pike (The Massachusetts Turnpike) and I spot this sign on the back of a trailer(!?) and it says: LUCKY'S TRAILER SALES.

And I wonder what happens in Lucky's life that selling trailers (and not the camper like trailers....trailers like for hauling wood and stuff. Bare bones flat dull trailers) is a good thing. Is the selling of the said trailers what makes Lucky's life lucky or is it something else?

Does he win at poker? If so...why the life dedicated to trailer sales? Why not chips and cards and roulette tables?:: Lucky's Gaming Supply Hut

Did someone else nickname him Lucky because of trailer envy? Or did Lucky just start callin' himself Lucky?

Does he talk with Jesus? That would be lucky. I think.

Did Jesus buy a trailer from Lucky? What does Jesus haul?

I sell comics and toys and stuff and I'm guessing I'm luckier than Lucky.

Though I could use a trailer in the next few weeks.

Maybe I'll borrow Jesus's trailer.

Opening day.

Please excuse I AINT NO OPRAH from school today as he is sick.

Thank you,
IAINTNOOPRAH

How to fix a leaky toilet without tools.

I saw that headline on my news page today and clicked it. There aint much better than fixing a leaky toilet without tools.

So I read the instructions in the article and it informs me I'll need a wrench.

You know....a tool.

Assholes.

And people wonder why I kill.

(I don't really kill)