SNIPPETS: Looped on the Juice Special Edition

BACON ACE: "I didn't name my i-Touch after your wife...I named it after your Mother."

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MAN: "Why haven't you ever tried Indian food?"

ME: "I haven't finished trying the other kinds yet."

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GUY: "I can't believe Archie REALLY married Veronica over Betty.

ME: "Archie didn't REALLY do anything."

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GUY: "How much are those Looney Tune glasses?"

ME: "$9.99 each."

GUY: "I don't see any Mickey Mouse ones."

ME: "He ain't a Looney Tune."

GUY: "Are you sure?"

ME: "Yes."

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ME: "That's gross that we both did that."

WIFEY: "Burping isn't gross."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "No, it isn't."

ME: "Is."

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ME: "Why do you need my ear buds?"

DAUGHTER: "Mine are broken."

ME: "You mean you chewed on them until they broke."

DAUGHTER: "I didn't chew on them...they just broke from using them too much."

ME: "CHEWER!!"

DAUGHTER: "Loser."

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Peace.

My audition reel for the 'in memorium' montage at this years Oscars (or The Tony Awards).

A text conversation with my 19 year old

ME: "I love you more than spaghetti and meatballs."

DAUGHTER: "I love you more than pizza."



(And if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, nothing will. Except maybe some sand in your eye. Or onions. Or something)

48 seconds of joy.

All the World is a Stage (And Bono is an idiot)

So we go to see U2 last night. In concert. (I had to mention 'in concert' so you didn't think we just hungout with them)

So anyhow....they have a stage like pictured in the photo above.

And we all know that His Majesty, BONO, supports every lame ass cause on the planet : Sheep and whales. Poverty and peace. Drought (he's big on drought) Pollution and global warming.

Amd a big pile of etc. etc.

So where does that leave US?

We have a picture of his stage.

And a list of his 'causes'.

But in doing my research for today's blog (Making up crap) I found out that the stage cost upwards of 40 million dollars (really)

40.

Million Dollars.

For him to stand on and sing his crappy songs. And preach about political prisoners.

40 Million Dollars.

Point of the story?

Instead of spending 40 million dollars on a stupid stage he could have bought 5-10 homes for the very rich.

Maroons.

There is a poll on cnn.com today.

'Would you like to have 3-D TV'

A simple question.

The answer choices are:

Yes

No

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63% of the people said no.

NO.

They said NO. They don''t want 3-D TV.

NO.

How can that even be??

Normally when I see a poll online I can usually guess within a few percentage points on how folks will vote.

Except this one.

63% of the people said NO.

To 3-D TV.

NO.

These 63% might be the dumbest people on planet earth.

Brain damaged even.

Crazier than Jason

MENTAL CASE: "I'm a HUGE Maclean Stevenson fan!"

ME: "Cool."

MENTAL CASE: "Except for his role as Colonel Blake."

Cheap Graffiti

Obama calls Kanye West a jackass!

And Kanye West IS a jackass.

But nowhere in the media is it mentioned that it's a racist attack on Mr. West by Obama.

But a congressman screams out "YOU LIE!" at some Obama speech and Jimmy Carter thinks that's racist??

Niggah, please!

(My whole premise is based on the white half of Obama calling Kanye West a jackass)

SO TO SUM UP:

Jimmy Carter is a jackass.

Crazy Jason and Fighting

CRAZY JASON: "You know how people fight with tools or weapons?

ME: "Yeah?"

CRAZY JASON: "Well, they shouldn't use them."

ME: "Why?"

CRAZY JASON: "They should do it the old fashioned way and take it out back!"

ME: "Thank you."

Nobody takes Swayze to the coroner.

(Title is courtesy of my buddy Ed...even though he didn't give me permission to use it)

Adolf Obama (Beating Downfall to death)

Three minutes & fifty seconds and worth staying until the end.

Deep thoughts on the holocaust.

So Hitler and his gang wanted to rid the world of The Jews.

Why did they want to do this?

Well, because they believed The Jews were sub-human.

Which raises the question(s)....why didn't Hitler exterminate all the dogs and cats and sheep and porcupines and stuff?

Dogs ain't human.

History is complex.

Maybe Hitler just didn't get around to it.

Go pat your dog.

Or something.

I don't take the pictures, I just upload 'em.

I think he'd look better with a goatee...or maybe a van dyke.

Oldest person in the world dies

So I'm reading the article about it and it mentions that her parents are dead.

The oldest person's parents are dead.

Shocking.

September 12th. Remember the Alamo. Your keys! Your lunch money! An umbrella!

Today I'm Gonna Party Like It's 1999. Or 2001.

The Q-Tip Paradox

Q-Tips.

We love 'em, we use 'em.

And we buy the Q-Tip brand.

Why?

Because they are far superior to cheap knock-offs or store brands.

Q-Tips.

So what is the Q-Tips paradox, you ask?

Well, every morning I shower and every morning I use a Q-Tip.

And guess what?

There is nothing on the Q-Tip after I use it because I use them every day.

It doesn't feel satisfying when there isn't anything on there.

But it's gross if there is.

Maybe it ain't a paradox at all.

Sometimes a Q-Tip is just a Q-Tip.

Waxy or not.

Fill in the blanks (not really)

So I was driving down the ____ when all of a sudden I see a __________ on the back _____.

Clearly the guy was a ________ or just a ______!

So I flip him the _____ and drive off listening to ______ as I do so.

All of a sudden in my rear________ I can see _____ and his _____.

Thankfully the rest stop is just _____ so I pull_____grab some hash______s and speed off never to see the ______bag again.

Did I mention what his ______plate read?

Typical ______ocrat.

Or _______.

______You.

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SO TO ____ UP:

I ___ nothing.

Today's winner in 'The Dumbest Song Lyric' contest

The Song is: The Battle of New Orleans

The Artist is: Johnny Horton.

And the Lyric is:

'We fired our cannon 'til the barrel melted down.
So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round.
We filled his head with cannon balls, and powdered his behind
And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.'

Crazy Jason and Greg

So a friend of mine reads my blog and sees all the Crazy Jason stories I recently posted.

And we start discussing Jason's autism or craziness or whatever it is.

And I tell him that if Jason calls while he's at the store I'll hand the phone to him so he can hear Crazy Jason in action.

He says sure but he doesn't want to use his real name...he decides on 'Greg'.

Two minutes later Crazy Jason calls, I hand the phone to 'Greg'...CJ rants about Dr. Seuss or something and hangs up.


Me and 'Greg' laugh...etc...'Greg' leaves.

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Phone rings:

CRAZY JASON: "Is Greg there?"

ME: "No...he had to leave."

CRAZY JASON: "Was that Greg Hilderbrant?"

ME: "Nope."

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The Flashing Sign keeps balance in the universe.

So last week on the Mass. Pike there was a sign similar to the one pictured.

Except it said something like: 'THANKS TED! From the people of Massachusetts'

(I think Ted Kennedy died or something and that was the tribute to him...a flashing sign on a toll road.)

But anyhow...

So today that same sign was flashing a warning that if you drink and drive you will be arrested.

And I somehow found it fitting that a flashing sign on a toll road will forever have Ted Kennedy related messages.

I wonder what next week's message will be....?

True Story

A guy just came in and sold me a statue.

He told me he needed the money for medicine because he had no health insurance.

I bought the statue.

He reeked of stale cigarette smoke.

If he gave up his filthy smoking habit he could afford health insurance.

We all make choices. He chooses to smoke and not have health care (His smoking habit is bewteen $2500.00-$5000.00 a year...do the math)

I swear the above story is true...it happened about 40 minutes ago.

I'm also guessing he buys lottery tickets and beer. Though I'm just speculating on those two.

Health care is a choice for most people.

Stop telling me to pay for health care for the gentlemen that sold me the statue.

Make sure you recycle! (or something)

Should be back Thursday....with fish.

Or something.