Wedding Attire

As you probably know Chelsea Clinton is getting married.

She's decided to wear not one, but TWO brown paper bags over her head.

She wants nothing to distract from this special day.

I also sat next to him at a Rolling Stones concert

So I'm having some furniture delivered tomorrow and the furniture store calls to confirm delivery times and stuff.

::ringring::

ME: "Hello?"

ELIOT: "Hello! This is Eliot from Jordan's Furniture!"

ME: "Hi Eliot! How are you?"

ELIOT: "I'd love to talk to you in person but unfortunately I can only do this recording."

ME: "So how are you?"

ELIOT: "To make your delivery experience as postive as possible make sure you leave a clear path to where you want your furniture set up."

ME: "Okay."

ME: "Eliot?"

ME: "Eliot??"

ME: ELIOTTT????"

ME: "I'm talking to a recording. And myself."

ELIOT: "Thank you for choosing Jordan's Furniture and have a great day!"

ME: "Thank you, Eliot!"

No...you are!

WIFEY: "You're infuriating."

ME: "No you are."

WIFEY: "You are."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "No...you are."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "You are."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "You are!"

ME: No...you are."

WIFEY: "You're infuriating!"

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "You are."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "You are."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "You're so infuriating."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "You are."

Actual beer bottles. Made from dead animals.

The company is called brewdog.

I have some Spillanin' to do.

First off...I paraphrased the title of today's blog from Sparkle. (Thank you,Sparkle)

So today I had Jury Duty.

I'm gonna take you through my adventure. It's exciting!

I get up at 5:30 to shower. Some coffee. Toast.

I want to be on time. I leave at 7:00 for the 20 minute drive.

Exciting!

I park in the ten dollar lot where the lawyers park. Me and parking attendant make fun of lawyers.

I get in to courthouse and walk up three flights of stairs to the Jury Room. I then notice elevator.

I talk to the clerk in Jury Room (a little 5' 2" number with a badge)

I decide I want to fill out a new questionaire as the one I filled out at home is messy and maybe a bit racist.

My plan is to get out of Jury Duty.

But I fill out new form. Honestly.

No Mel Gibsonian slurs.

Little Miss 5'2" smiles and gives me a number.

I proceed to the magazine table. A nice selection of mags from 2009.

I score a Time.

Then I stake out a chair in back of room. I want a full view of the soon to be room of losers.

The room is 40' X 50' (I know this because later on I was counting the 2' square tiles) The room has four huge flat screens TVs that still don't work because the cable hasn't been hooked up...this is waht 5'2" told me (This is the courthouse that is three years old)

TIME magazine is read. Off to the bathroom. Good hair day.

Back to magazine table. Couple more old TIME magazines and a DETAILS.

I think DETAILS might be a magazine for gay men.

I read it.

I read the two issues of TIME.

TIME might also be for gay men. Or Democrats. Or something.

I get up walk to bathroom. Wash my hands.

Back near the magazine table.

Do I really want to read Car and Driver?

I go to my chair empty handed.

The group of losers is getting restless. Either put us on a jury or let us go home.

I start making eye contact with folks. Eyerolls. Fake smiles.

Nice rack on juror #48.

Nice back tattoo on biker chick.

Lots of fat folks. Lots of capris. Lots of bottled water.

Everybody seems to be texting.

Not me...Wifey said I couldn't bring a cell phone in.

I'm now starting to make conversation. I'm thinking of getting a group sing-a-long going but don't have the guts.

I look back at the rack on #48.

Miss 5' 2" clerk says she'll find out if we'll be needed.

It's now 12:00.

A Butch Judge comes out (sans robe) and tells us how important it is to sit in a waiting room hating the state of Massachusetts and tells us we won't be needed.

I look over to the impressive cleavage on juror #48.

And I leave The Jury Room.


I, The Jury am now at work.

Clearly the local government reads I Aint No Oprah.

Mission Accomplished.

Last night the Fat Lady started warming up.

The Saga of the Discarded Computer Monitor.

So about a month or so ago a college student (I'm guessing) tossed away this computer monitor on the sidewalk next to my shop.

I didn't think much about. I assumed the city would pick it when they picked up trash.

They didn't.

Every morning he would greet me to start my day....."Hello, Mr IANO!"

Every night a "Good Night, Mr. IANO!"

It sat. And sat. And sat.

Nobody picked him up.

He became part of the neighborhood.

Someone placed a soft drink can on him.

An empty sundae bowl.

A banana peel.

Scratched lottery ticket.

Empty pack of Marlboro.

He sat there covered in debris.

On the sidewalk.

Then I came in the other morning and he was sitting on the street.

Next morning his screen was smashed.

He still sits. He waits.

He's alone.

He's like a homeless person. People pretend they don't see him.

They do.

I wonder if he'll be there when the weather turns cold?

---

I will keep you updated.

Relaxed

ME: "I love when you're relaxed."

WIFEY: "I was before you got home."

RIP

The guy from the Phillipines

So I have this long time great customer.

I guess he's originally from the Phillipines.

The other day he came in and bought some stuff and I put it in a yellow plastic bag.

HIM: "Are you being racist putting my stuff in a yellow bag?"

ME: "Of course not...everybody is getting yellow bags this week. If I was being racist I would have given you one of our brown bags.

He was kidding. I was kidding.

So he comes in today.

He buys some stuff and I once again put it a yellow bag.

ME: "I hope I'm not offending you?"

HIM: ::laughter::

ME: "I've never forgiven you bastards for Pearl Harbor."

Happy Birthday, Ringo! (So unclever it's clever!)

This is the one about the buck-toothed gal.

Midgets.

You stare at them. You can't help it.

Burn victims.

STARE!

Any freak or misfit you look at.

You know it's wrong....but you always try for at least a glimpse.

This here story is about the buck-toothed gal.

(The second most emabarrassing moment of my life...the first is when I called 4th grade teacher 'Mom')

So anyhow...

Years and years ago Buck-Toothed gal used to come in my shop.

From the very beginning I was fascinated with her teeth.

They were huge and she was pretty. Good figure, charming personality. Sexy.

Buck teeth.

And not just any buck teeth...but BUCK TEETH. Tojo-propoganda style buck teeth.

Choppers.

Bugs Bunnyish buck teeth.

I'd try not to stare.

Yet I always would.

I couldn't wait for her to come back in. Luckily she was a semi-regular and I got to gaze upon those chiclets on a semi-regular basis.

Until one day.

On that day she caught me staring.

I was clearly looking at her buck teeth. I couldn't pretend otherwise.

What could I do??? My mind raced.

I looked right at her bucky-boys.

She looked at me.

I spoke first:

ME: "I love your teeth!"

HER: "Thank you!"

----

She kept coming in after that. Always flashing those magnificent buck teeth. Always smiling. Proud of her teeth that I said I loved.

I don't even like buck teeth.

But hers were something. She wore them proudly.

And I had to look at them.

**
Then she stopped coming in.

Years and years went by.

**

Recently she made an appearance.

I was no longer fascinated by her buck teeth.

She was now fat and old.

Ice Cream Cakes

So I'm driving down the street the other day and I see a large sign in a shop window.

It proudly proclaimed: ICE CREAM CAKES FOR EVERY OCCASION!

---

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: "We regret to tell you that we just found your dog dead on the road."

ME: "Any idea where I can get an ice cream cake?"

----

MARINE OFFICER IN DRESS BLUES: "We regret to inform you that your son was just killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq."

ME: "Any idea where I can get an ice cream cake?"

----------

POLICE OFFICER: "Your wife has been beaten and raped and is clinging to life."

ME: "Any idea where I can get an ice cream cake?"

----------

DOCTOR: "It's cancer."

ME: "Any idea where I can get an ice cream cake?"

-------

SO TO SUM UP:
'Ice cream cakes for MOST occasions.'

Tomorrow Bill explains how Mel Gibson saying 'nigger' is kinda good for America.

Darth Vader: The Homeless Guy

For the last five years or so I've had this homeless guy coming in my shop.

He usually shows up four or five times a year.

Always reeking of bad wine and stench.

Usually dirty and grubby...unshaved.

Always with a backpack filled with his worldly possesions.

He also usually comes in when he gets his hands on some money.

He likes Superman. Star Trek and Star Wars.

And he has personality. I kinda like him. He's nice.

So anyhow....he comes in yesterday.

(dirty, grubby, and smelling of cheap booze)

He buys a Superman belt buckle.

Then he buys a diecast metal Star Trek ship.

And then BAM! he spots the Darth Vader helmet!

He has to have it!

He buys it. He's downright giddy.

Lots of folks standing about when he loudly proclaims:

"I'm am NOT Darth Vader! I am Michael Vader of the Alcohol Empire!"

And he was very pleased with himself.

Nobody said anything.

People went about their business.

Michael Vader hung out for a bit.

He spotted three guys by the doorway.

He proudly proclaimed to them:

"I am NOT Darth Vader...I am Michael Vader of the Alcohol Empire!"

I'm sure he continued to say that throughout the evening.

For he is....Michael Vader of the Alcohol Empire!

RIP actor or actress (This weekends blog ahead of time)

You will be missed.

I still remember going to the _______ theater to see you in_______!

I went with ______ and _____.

Back in those days admission was only _____.

If I remember correctly both Edith Head and William Tuttle were in the credits of some of your biggest hits.

Sometimes you'd go on The _____ Show and talk with ______ and I'd stay up late just to watch you.

You were always a great guest with great stories.

I also enjoyed how late in your career you went against type to star in such films as_________ and _______.

Even guest starring on such great TV shows as _____ and ____!

RIP actor or actress! You will be missed!

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Make sure you share your memories of this wonderful actor/actress.

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SO TO SUM UP:
You might think I'm phoning it in but just wait until the death occurs....WOW!