True Story Theatre

So this midget (dwarf? wee folk?) gal came in the store today.

She had on a plunging neckline showing off her substantial rack.

(The substantial rack has nothing to do with the story)

Here is the conversation.

ME: "Hi, how are you?"

WEE-DAME: "I'm fine, you?"

ME: "Great."

She then looked around the shop for a while.

ME: "Is there anything I can help you find?"

WEE-DAME: "I'm looking for something for my little brother."

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Poppa

KID IN STORE: "Poppa! Poppa!

SAME KID: "POPPA! POPPA!! POPPA!!"

HIM AGAIN: "POPPA! POPPA!!"

HIS BROTHER: "POPPA!! POPPA!! POPPPA!!!"

ORIGINAL KID: "LOOK, POPPA!!! POPPA, LOOK!!!"

THE BROTHER: "POPPA!!

ORIGINAL KID: "Poppa! Poppa! POPPA!!!"

BROTHER: "Poppa can I? Can I Poppa? Huh? POPPA!!!???"

ORIGINAL KID: "Please Poppa, please?? POPPA!!!??"

ORIGINAL KID: "PLEASE, POPPA? POPPA? POPPA!!!!"

Location, Location, Location.

::PHONE RINGS::

ME: "The Store, may I help you?"

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: "Where are you located?"

ME: "I'm behind the counter."

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: "No..I mean where are you?"

ME: "I'm at my store."

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: "Where is that?"

ME: "blahblahblahADDRESSblahblahblah"

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: "We can't find it."

Butter Bacon Bread Blanket Bingo!

I was left alone last night.

I had to man up and take care of myself.

I had butter.

I had bacon.

I had bread.

I fell asleep shortly afterwards in a buttery coma.

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So what's the point with the picture I used?

Well, I was googling for a picture to use and I entered ' butter sleep' and up came this picture.

It had nothing to do with butter or sleep.

But I liked it anyhow.

In the future when I think of butter sleep I will think of her.

And so will you.

Always treat your customers right.

CUSTOMER: "You remember everything."

ME: "Some things, not everything."

CUSTOMER: "Why do you have such a better memory than me?

ME: "My brain is much bigger than yours."

How To Get A Large Tip (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)

So last night I went to get a haircut.

Here is the conversation after I was seated:

HOT FEMALE HAIR TECHNICIAN: "How would you like your hair done?"

ME: "Just make me look perfect."

HOT FEMALE HAIR TECHNICIAN: "You looked perfect when you walked in!"

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I was played!!!

We ain't talking about Diane Lane.

So me and Wifey are driving last night (actually it was me doing the driving. Wifey was sitting in the passenger seat)

Here is the conversation:

WIFEY: "You're always in the wrong lane!"

ME: "Always? Always??"

WIFEY: "Yes, always."

ME: "Am I in the wrong lane right now?"

WIFEY: "There is only one lane."

ME: "So what you're saying is I'm NOT in the wrong lane, is that correct?"

WIFEY: "You're the most annoying person ever."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "Ask anybody."

ME: "Anybody? ANYBODY??"

WIFEY: "You're so annoying."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "You're in the wrong lane."

NEW FEATURE (sure to be a hit for months to come) Michael The Mental Case

MICHAEL THE MENTAL CASE: "What are your hours next week?"

ME: "We will be open our regular hours all week other than Thanksgiving Day...we will be closed on Thanksgiving."

MICHAEL THE MENTAL CASE: "What day of the week is that?"

ME: "I think it's on a Monday this year."

MICHAEL THE MENTAL CASE: "Do you have any Thanos comics?"

How Many Penn State Coaches Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb

Vidi minus I (clever, huh?)

GUY: "Do you know someone that sharpens saws?"

ME: "Sharpens saws?"

GUY: "Yes, do you know someone that sharpens saws?"

ME: "No."

GUY: "You're telling me you don't anybody that sharpens saws??"

ME: "Why on earth would I know someone that sharpens saws?"

GUY: "You're a liar!!"

ME: "What the fuck are you talking about??? If I knew someone that sharpens saws I'd certainly wouldn't lie to you about it."

GUY: "So who sharpens saws?"

ME: "What are you talking about!!??"

GUY: "Someone in Norwood, perhaps?"

ME: "Oh, you mean Bobby."

GUY: "Yes. I knew you knew him."

ME: "Sorry. I forgot he sharpened saws. I thought you were nuts."

GUY: "Not a lot of saw sharpeners anymore."

The Penn State Sex Scandal

First of all what the hell is a 'Nittany'?

And what does a Nittany have to do with lions?

And why are ten year old boys going to Penn State?

Are they genius level savants?

Are they just huge ten year olds that play football??

How does one coax a huge ten year old genius football player into the shower room to have 'soap battles'?

Why do some men want to prey upon young boys when there are tons of hot chicks on campus. Of age!

Have you ever wondered what Andy Rooney would think about the Penn State Sex Scandal?

Or what would Heavy D think?

Maybe Joe Frazier coined the word 'Nittany'.

Maybe Joe Frazier liked lions.

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And don't you love the idea that Penn State students went on a rioting rampage after hearing that Paterno got fired and wouldn't coach the game this week?

You know, Joe Paterno,the guy that knew his assistant was raping ten year old boys in the shower room and didn't go to the police.

I love that college students are so bright that they cheer this piece of crap.

He's still in your head, Joe.

Imagine if you could jump?