You were probably sleeping.

You are a loser.

You were tired. The Red Sox were down 7-0 in the 7th inning and you went to bed.

You had no faith.

You are pathetic. A fool. A well rested loser.

The Blonde isn't.

I isn't.

Crazed text messages flying back and forth.

Red Sox/ Letterman (McCain was on)

Channels flipped. Urine flushed.

Pacing. Knowing.

The Ortizal!

The Little Pony! Coco!

JD!

But not you.

You were sleeping.

19 seconds proves Joe BIden is retarded!

Time for The Nancies to sack up.

Starting tonight.

Don't you think?

Pepper my bottom and call me Bunsie.

So I get this phone call last night:

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Are you coming home to eat?"

ME: "I work a bit late on Tuesday...why?"

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Is Mom cooking you?"

ME: "No. Your Mother is not cooking me."

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Is Mom cooking FOR you?"

-----------

Point of today's post? I've had the title 'Pepper my bottom and call me Bunsie' locked in my head for a while and wasn't sure how I'd ever use it. It somehow seemed to fit today's post.

A little.

Kinda.

My Aunt Mary

People often ask me how I got so smart. By the end of this post you will know why.

A few months ago my cousin and her husband moved out to the southwest and bought a home.

{Factoid #1....I grew up in the southwest}

Said home needed some landscaping.

Well, in the southwest, because of lack of water, folks landscape using cactus and other plants that don't need much water.

So my cousin was talking to her Mom (Aunt Mary)(You would probably like Aunt Mary)....

...and Aunt Mary suggested she call up my Dad because he designed all of the cactus landscaping at my house when I lived in the southwest. It was awesome.

{Factoid #2...My Dad has been dead for 46 years.}

So how did I get so smart you ask? Well...I've got me some of that Aunt Mary blood flowing thru my body.

Image of Jesus in a piece of stained glass.

Now if you look real closely you can see the image of Jesus on the stained glass. He's kinda in the middle with his arms out.

Spooky, huh?

NFL injury update

Every week the NFL gives out the injury reports. It helps coaches prepare for the game.

And gamblers.

But they kept this under warps (so to speak) for most of the week:

http://deadspin.com/5061761/kellen-winslows-out-withswollen-testicles


And just for the record...I won't be playing any football this week either.

North Korea to possibly be taken off Terror List

////Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice could announce as early as Friday that the United States will remove North Korea from its list of state sponsors of terror, FOX News learned Thursday.////

This was in the news today.

What wasn't in the story is that we are now gonna put North Korea on our Horror list.

And if they keep acting up we'll be forced to put them on our Tales From The Crypt list...possibly even our Web of Evil list, our Creepy and Eerie list, maybe our Chamber of Darkness list.

And if they still continue?

Our Creature Double Feature list.

Don't piss us off North Korea!

We're just dying to put you on our Journey Into Fear list.


Possibly even our Chilling Tales list.







Trebliet

The Hillbillies explain scoring the answers in silent reading tests.

The scoring of the answers to the questions in the case of the Experimental Reproduction Tests and Fordyce's test is not perfectly objective unless an elaborate list of acceptable answers is prepared.

This was done for both of these tests and, consequently, the scores used in this study may be considered objective in the sense that the scoring appoximated uniformity.

These tests, however, should not be considered as being perfectly objective when used independently by different persons who do not have access to elaborate directions for scoring.

Possum stew for lunch.

(some of the above text might have been taken from A CRITICAL STUDY OF CERTAIN SILENT READING TESTS published by the University of Illinois in 1922.)

A town hall talk with John McCain. My friend.

ME: "Welcome, Senator McCain!"

MAC: "I'm glad to be here my friend."

ME: "Let's open up it right up with questions."

MAC: "That's a good idea my friend."

ROSS: "Senator McCain...can you fix the economy?"

MAC: "Well Ross, that's a good question my friend. Yes....unlike my opponent who voted against fixing the economy 90% of the time."

MONICA: "Senator McCain...can you keep our military strong?"

MAC: "I'm glad you asked Monica...yes, my friend, I will...unlike my opponent who voted against the military 90% of the time!"

PHOEBE: "How about health care...will I still get health care?"

MAC: "That's a great question Phoebe, my friend,...we will give tax credits, unlike my opponent who voted against it 90% of the time."

JOEY: "How you doin'?"

MAC: "I'm glad you asked Joey my friend...I'm doin' good. My opponent voted for doin' bad 90% of the time."

Chandler: "How about energy?"

MAC: "That's a great question my friend Chandler! I"ll reach across the aisle to solve that unlike my opponent who voted against it 90% of the time.

Jennifer Anniston: "I'm a big movie star."

MAC: "Thank you my friend for being one...my opponent loves movie stars. 90% of the time.

ME: "Thank you my friend, Senator John McCain!"

MAC: "Thank you my friend."

Dear The Brit,

CLINCHED!

Dear Wifey,

After you went to bed last night the Red Sox clinched.

Another installment of...IT WAS FUNNIER IN PERSON THEATRE

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "DAD!! ...Mom is being creepy!"

WIFEY: "I'm not doing anything!"

ME: "What is your mother doing?"

OLDEST: "She's whispering creepy things in my ear."

WIFEY: "I am not."

ME: "What is she whispering?"

OLDEST: "She just whispered to me in a creepy voice that she's going upstairs to change into something more comfortable."

ME: "Where is she now?"

OLDEST: "She went upstairs."

ME: "To do what?"

OLDEST: "To change her clothes."

ME: "Into what?"

OLDEST: "Something more comfortable."

The Clincher

ME: "So Sunday after work I'm gonna watch the Patriots and then The Red Sox in the clincher.

WIFEY: "It's not a clincher."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "No it's not."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "How do you figure it's a clincher?"

ME: "Well, it's a best of five series and the Red Sox are up 2 games to none...if they win, they clinch."

WIFEY: "But if The Angels win then it's not a clincher."

ME: "It's still a clincher."

WIFEY: "It's only a clincher if both teams can clinch."

ME: "Where did you hear that?"

WIFEY: "I just know."

ME: "Well, you're wrong. It's a clincher."

WIFEY: "Nope."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "What do you call it when both teams can clinch?"

ME: "Either a clincher or a do or die"

WIFEY: "It's not a do or die."

ME: "It is for the Angels."

WIFEY: "But it's not a clincher."

Meanwhile... back with O.J.

Yet you're found guilty of stealing your own stuff.

The Fundamental Differences between Wall Street and Main Street should be put in a Lock Box until we can Change them with 1000 points of Light

Or something.


So hopefully you watched (sheds tear) the debate last night. If you didn't you'll just have to trust (winks) me when I recap it.

Which I'm about to do.

As you watch these debates (tears up) you realize really quick that the circuitry built inside politictians starts to misfire fairly fast.

Biden's 'fundamental circuitry' was the first to go. Somehow his programmers (cult leaders) felt it was important (winks) to use the word 'fundamental' every chance he could.

And he did.

And then he started to have fun with the word and would emphasize different parts of said word.

"The FUN-da-mental challenges..."

"The fun-da-MENTAL difference... (he used this one when nodding at Sarah's retarded child)

"The FUND-a men-tall blah blah blah (He used this when he was just making up crap (tears up))

And then Sarah's circuitry broke (winks) and she started saying stuff like:

"When I'm the Vice President and am hosting a hootinanny..."

"Gol darn it Joe!"

"the maverick...John McCain! (say it ONE more time Sarah and I'm gonna smack ya upside the head!)

"Say it ain't so, Joe"

"So I look to Main Street and Joe Six-Pack and hockey."

And then the debate (winks) went on.

And on. And on. Joe making up lies and Sararh just kinda getting thru it without really screwing up too bad.

And then it happened.

Joe looked at Sarah and flashed his big giant smile at her.

At he was smiitten!

Joe Biden, the seasoned politician, fell in love.

The camera pulled back for a wide shot of the two (tears up) of them.

And right there, at that moment, you could see the fundamental difference between them!

Joe Biden had an erection during a nationally televised debate!

And he flashed that big toothed smile again (winks) and reached inside his pants!

During a nationally televised debate!

And he took his fundamental difference in his large Home Depot-ey hands and told Sarah "I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!"

And finally the moderator told him to put his FUN-da-MENTAL difference back in his Lock Box and get back to debating.

And Joe flashed that smile one more time, and made up some more untruths(winks), some more(tears) lies, some more or somethings.

------------
So To Sum Up:
Sarah looked better in her black dress than Joe looked with his hands down his pants.

Tips for Sarah

a) When in doubt, snicker and just say "Sorry...I was looking at Joe's "hair"...make sure you do air quotes when you say the word hair.

b) Undo one more button.

c) When in doubt bring up Porter vs Hobson. And point to Biden.

d) Raise an eyebrow and say "So what you're saying is you don't think a woman can do this job?"

e) When in doubt bring up Bornum vs O'Leary. And point to Biden.

f) Take your index finger and twirl a bit of your hair.

g) Answer your cellphone during the debate and tell your kids "Pre-heat oven at 350 degrees"

h) Crack a funny with the phrase: 'The Shaved Doctrine'

i) When in doubt bring up Madison vs Anderson. And point to Biden.

j) Shake your head after hearing a question and just say "Men wouldn't understand that." (You'll get the chick vote and most likely men weren't listening to you anyhow)

k) About an hour into the debate ask the moderator if she can 'wrap things up a bit early as The Office is on.'

l) Talk in a goofy accent and act all clueless when asked a simple question. (Men love it when the bitches do that)

m) Make me a sandwich, Whore!

n) When in doubt bring up Kerry vs Gore and then just start laughing. Point to Biden.

o) Or something.

A review of the VP debate

I saw the debate.

Huh, you ask?

Now you can believe me, or you don't have to believe me, but I went into the future to watch the debate (it's Buddy Nite tonight and I would have missed it)

I will now proceed to give my views and reviews on the important parts of said debate:

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN IS INTRODUCED: "Nice comb-over, Douche."

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN IS INTRODUCED: "Damn...she has some great skin!"

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN EXPLAINS HOW HE WILL FIX ECONOMY: "Oh great...another tax increase and more low paying jobs for Mexicans."

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN EXPLAINS HOW SHE'LL FIX THE ECONOMY: "Holy cow, she looks great in that red dress! AY-Carumba!"

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN EXPLAINS HIS FOREIGN POLICY: "Oh great...Joe is gonna give terrorists first class seats on our planes thinking they won't be so angry when they get here. Douche."

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN EXPLAINS HOW SHE'LL FIX THE ECONOMY: "OH my god...I'd love to give you a soft kiss on your neck...maybe whisper something in your ear...."

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN EXPLAINS ROE vs WADE: "I wonder if Beckett will be healthy enough to pitch game three?"

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN EXPLAINS ROE vs WADE: " Camerman, camerman...show us her backside...come on now, show us, show us....BINGO!"

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN STARTS A POINTING AND A WAVIN' HIS ARMS AROUND LIKE A KOOK: "What a kook."

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN SLIGHTLY LIFTS ONE FOOT OUT OF 3" RED PUMP: "Oh baby...that's so hot, keep going, that's it...keep going...just like that....a bit more...yes...yes! BINGO!"

THOUGHTS AS JOE BIDEN STARTS GETTING ALL ANGRY: "He's startin' to get angry!"

THOUGHTS AS SARAH PALIN STARTS GETTING ALL HOT: "She's hot!"

------------

SO TO SUM UP:

Sarah looks adorable all deer in a headlighty. Joe is an asshole.

PS

I thought it very unfair that the moderator of the debate happened to be writing a book about Obama. Could she have been biased with her questions?

The PS is true.

-----------

I wonder what it's called in Haiti?

MAN: "Jew you half arechtrig jayvee midgejean?"

ME: "Huh...I don't understand."

MAN: "A RECHTRIG JAYV MAJEAN?"

ME: "HUH, I DON"T UNDERSTAND!"

::he seemed to want to yell so I yelled back:::

MAN: "JAYV! JAYV! RECHTRIG! MAJEAN!"

ME: "I don't. They might have some down the street."

MAN: :::smiles...nods....scrapes faces::::

ME: "Oh...an electric shaving machine!...No, they might have some down the street."

HOAGY is MY friend.