Danger Bear

So I just get off the phone with Hoag who now answers his phone "Danger Bear, may I help you?"

Do I really want to call my pal Danger Bear?

Do you want me to call him Danger Bear?

Would that be a good thing? Would it last more than a day or two?

What if it stuck? What if I had to spend the rest of my life chummin' around with Danger Bear?

It's been tough enough hangin' out with a guy named Hoagy.

Maybe we could call him Hoagy Bear instead. Or maybe not.

Life is too complicated as it is for me to have to deal with this kinda stuff.

Danger Bear is pretty cool though...

Coats Do Warm*

Have you ever heard of soldiers getting shot when they get near the last day of active duty overseas? Other soldiers don't want to be anywhere near the guy with a day or two left cuz they know an anvil is gonna fall on them or they'll step on land mine or a sniper will take him out.

Or something.

Well, every year me and The Hoag see if we can make it until the last day of October without wearing a coat. Something about prolonging summer.

Or something.

This year is special....it's almost the end of November (NOVEMBER!) and I still haven't worn a coat. One day left. Tomorrow is November 30th and I haven't yet worn a coat.

So to all my friends, please stay away from me tomorrow because I have the feeling that come tomorrow I'm gonna step on a land mine.

Or something.



* Only T will get today's clever title.

Writer's Block

Anyone that writes on any sort of regular basis seems to come up with writer's block.

I'm having the opposite block.

I want to write about everything.

The poverty in the Sudan. New cars. Kramer. Pam Anderson (PamRock). Candy. Baseball. Mel. Baseball in the Sudan. Watching baseball games in the Sudan while eating candy in my new car. With Pam. Or Mel.

Kramer. Mel. PamRock. Watching baseball games at PamRocks house. Sitting in Pam's new car eating candy. Watching baseball games with Mel and Kramer and hearing what they yell at the players.

Driving Mel's new car to Kramer's house and then going to pick up PamRock to watch baseball games. Maybe stop on the way and get some candy.

Maybe just bump into PamRock at the candy store. Invite her into my new car that Mel gave me and we could listen to the baseball game on the radio. Unless there is a breaking news report from the Sudan. About poverty. Or was it about Sudanese candy?

Sitting in Kramer's new white car. Eatin' candy and laughing at the poverty in the Sudan. Makin' up names for Sudanese baseball teams.

But I have writer's block and no Sudanese Baseball Team Names come to mind.

How about the Sudan Ims?

Or maybe The Sudanese Red Sox?

I wish April was here.

Or Pam.

And I wish I had Candy.

The Butterfly Effect

So before I leave work Saturday I get a phone call from home asking if I have two certain movies in stock and can I bring them home.

I have one of them.

I do not have something called The Butterfly Effect.

So I bring home the one they asked for and notice when I get home that they've gone to Blockbuster to rent The Butterfly Effect. For $4.00.

But then I remember that we have The Butterfly Effect TiVo'ed (actually not TiVo'ed, but digitally recorded)

So why doesn't my daughter just watch The Butterfly Effect that we TiVo'ed (not TiVo)?

Why?

Because little Miss Princess wants to watch it in the Living Room and the TiVo (not TiVo) is in the Family Room. And the Family Room is more comfortable, way bigger TV Screen, etc but she prefers the crappier room, the crappier TV, and she also likes spending my $4.00 on rentals.

What's $4.00 you ask?

$4.00 is the amount I send each year to the butterfly relief fund...this year in Africa a butterfly aint gonna be flappin' it's wings.

And it's my daughters fault.

The Day After Thanksgiving.

And things I'm NOT thankful for.

Friggin' scallions in mashed potatoes. What braniac came up with this idea?

"Oh...but you can't even taste them"

THEN. STOP. PUTTING. THEM. IN. THERE.

How many times in your life have you heard that..."Oh....but you can't even taste them"

Over and over and over again cooks of the world say that.

STOP. PUTTING. THEM. IN. THERE.

It's either onions or cheese* or celery or green peppers or some other godawful thing.

I DONT WANT THEM IN MY MASHED POTATOES!!

Mashed potatoes should only have gravy and butter and maybe a sprinkle of pepper in them.

ANYTHING ELSE? SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!!

Leave the mashed potato alone. It is the perfect mashed food and you just up and ruin it. Going all Emeril on it doesn't improve it.

DO

YOU

UNDERSTAND?

Mashed potatoes equal love.

Mashed potatoes with onions and scallions equal hate.



*(cheese is awesome....just not in mashed potatoes.)

Things I'm thankful for.

Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow so I figured I'd list what I'm thankful for.

In order.

Though I'm leaving out two things I'm more thankful for because they would be ahead of my wifey and I aint so dumb to put them down in writing.

1. Television

2. The Internet

3. Wifey

4. My favorite daughter.

5. B-B-Q sauce

6. My other daughter.

7. My friends. Except Wayne.

8. Sweet Potato Pie

9. Mel and Kramer

10. George W. Bush for keeping America safe.

11. David Ortiz, Manny, and Mike Lowell.

My Dinner With Kramer

As you probably know by now Michael 'Kramer' Richards had a bad weekend. I had dinner and conversation with him last night.

Here is how that went:

ME: "So before we begin would you like a smaller or larger steak?"

KRAMER: "Bigger."

ME: "And after dinner would you prefer a cigar or a..."

KRAMER: "Cigger-rette"

ME: "So before you became famous you had lots of odd jobs....I heard you once worked in a cemetery. What did you do there?"

KRAMER: "Digger"

ME: "And you also worked in the fields in Texas looking for black gold....Texas tea....what did you do there?"

KRAMER: "Oil rigger"

ME: "And you went to college...what was your favorite part of that?"

KRAMER: "Keggers"

ME: "Great steaks, huh? Would you like a beer or wine or maybe some...."

KRAMER: 'Ligger"

ME: "So lets get on with this weekend....your old pal Julie-Louis Dreyfus had some harsh words to say about it."

KRAMER: "Frig her"

ME: "You must have read all the stuff on the Internet about you....you do have a computer, correct?"

KRAMER: " 80 Gigger"

ME: "Lets talk a bit about show biz...who is your favorite actress?"

KRAMER: "Renee Zellweger"

ME: "Actor?"

KRAMER: "Arnold Schwarzenegger"

ME: "Any favorite rock stars?"

KRAMER: "Jagger"

ME: "Any favorite or beloved cartoon characters from childhood?

KRAMER: "Tigger"


And that was the gist of my dinner with Kramer. Seemed like a nice man with no issues.

Bush's Popularity Soars!

It seems over the weekend George got himself one of those Playstation 3s and now everyone loves him.

Next week he's gonna get some of those cool new sneakers.

And then after that some new i-pod-y thing.

It took a few years but he's finally figured out how to get folks to dig him.

He's mulling a back tattoo and a pocketwatch.

Wayne

I had contact from Wayne today.

Be afraid.

Bonus Points

As you know each blog takes hours and hours of research, editing, rewrites, and candy. Today I don't have time so we're gonna play a little game me and the Blonde (Theresa) used to play.

I'm gonna generate 6 random letters ::rolls letter dice::B-A-H-P-D-T and you're gonna make a sentence out of them using each letter as the starting letter of each word. Your sentence will be a 6 word sentence and at the end we'll put them all together to have today's blog. And it has to be in order of said letters.

Got that?

You don't?

Tard.

Notice how the 'random' letters have the letter H? I wonder if anyone will use the word HOAGY in their sentence.

Best sentence gets Bonus Points. And you can enter as often as you like for a small fee.

Sweet Potato Pie

The other night Dan (famous newscaster) Rather was on the Jon (famous fake newscaster) Stewart show and said this:

"Hillary Clinton ran away with it like a hobo with a sweet potato pie"

Typical Dan Ratherism....but that's not the point. The point is Sweet Potato Pie.

Sweet Potato Pie could and should be the next all encompassing catch phrase.

Think about it.

Two planes crash into the World Trade Center and the stunned crowd looks up and says "Sweet Potato Pie!"

The Red Sox win another World Series and the people all over the world leap to their feet screaming "Sweet Potato Pie!"

You're with your lover and just at the moment of truth you scream "Sweet Potato Pie!"

You're the best man at a wedding and have to give the toast....you raise your glass, nod at the bride and groom, and simply say "Sweet Potato Pie!"

You win the lottery...."Sweet Potato Pie!"

You crash up your car...."Sweet Potato Pie!"

You get a paper cut.... "Sweet Potato Pie!"

You're at church and instead of an amen the congregation yells out..."Sweet Potato Pie!"

You need to get rid of some flaky skin on your face you just rub in some Sweet Potato Pie!

And think of history...

As Reagan ends the Cold War by ripping down the Berlin Wall the throngs of adoring Germans scream out Ich Nin Sweet Potato Pie!"

Or JFK..."ask not what your Sweet Potato Pie can do for you....ask what you can do for your Sweet Potato Pie!"

FDR..."The only thing we have to fear is Sweet Potato Pie itself!"

Nixon..."I am not a Sweet Potato Pie!"

Or Bill Clinton...."I. Did Not. Have Sex. With That. Sweet Potato Pie"

(he probably did.)

What does this tell you?

So a few years ago completely out of the blue my face starts getting this wicked weird flaky skin condition. It looked like I had a sunburn and was now peeling.

It was hideous. I thought it might just be dry skin or something and it would go away.

It didn't.

Until Dr. Hoagy gave me some moisturizing cream. I followed his directions and within a few days my skin was back to normal.

And then I read the tube.

Dr. Hoagy gave me hemorrhoid cream.

For my face.

And it worked.

Why Women Don't Spit.

It's really quite simple. Women are bitches.

HUH???!!! What did he just say????

You heard me...... Bitches. Woman are bitches and that's why they don't spit.

You see, spit has a 'bitchy enzyme' in it and women need it to survive. Men don't need it and aint bitchy so we spit it out. Often.

Woman swallow the spit giving them their daily dose of Bitchy.

Now once in while you'll see a woman hock a loogie and you can bet your bitchy boots she'll probably be fairly pleasant the rest of the day.

But as you can probably tell women don't spit much. Cuz they're bitches. Spit-swallowin' bitches.

I aint making this up (I might be). It's science. Spitology.

The more you spit the nicer you are.

But Bitches, just don't do it in front of me. I like ya all girly. Even if ya are bitchy.

(Once in a great while I'll go a week or so without spitting...usually around tax time)

Never forget.

As you might already know, I hate making fun of my customers. Sometimes.

So this guy comes in my shop the other day that I haven't seen in about ten years or so. And even back then he only came in a few times a year and rarely bought anything. 79 IQ kinda guy (79 is dumb, right?) But I remembered his blank look and riveting conversation. Here was the back and forth from the other day:

ME: "Hi! Have you've been? I haven't seen you in years!"

DOLT: "Good."

ME: "Good."

DOLT: "I still have that book I bought from you ten years ago."

ME ::thinking to myself....How the heck would I know what book this tard bought ten years ago???::: "Great!"

DOLT: "You remember that book right?....It was right over there ::points in the general direction of a book case:: "

ME: "Of course."


I hope he comes in another ten years and asks if I remember what he was wearing...

Gone for Botox weekend

Back on Monday.

One for the Ladies.

As you probably know there are 'rules' about urinals. Never stand next to someone if you don't have to. Always keep your eyes straight ahead. No talking. No more than three shakes. Flush urinal with left elbow. And never ever ever glance down and to the side.

Years ago one of those rules got broken. Here is that story.

I'm standing at the urinal when this guy saunters up to the urinal next to me and starts to urinate (Thats what we do at urinals) and for some reason that God only knows, I glanced down and to the left. I NEVER GLANCE DOWN. I NEVER LOOK TO THE SIDES.

The guy next to me had the largest, thickest penis ever seen on planet earth. It was gigantic. It was dangerous. It was like something hanging in the window of a deli.

How the heck this guy walks I have no idea. How he keeps it hidden from humans I have no idea. It truly was a specimen. It was scary big.

And I still remember it. And I don't really want to. But it was that big.

And I've never ever once looked down and to the sides again.

I think.


(It's kinda sad that somewhere that dude is telling a similar story except he's not mentioning that my penis looks like something hanging at deli counter.)

The Dolphin Lestat

If you've been reading this blog you've heard about the finding of Dolphins with mutated little legs (true) how they will soon be walking among us surface dwellers.

We decided to have an interview with a dolphin (just to see what they're all about)

IANO: "We'll start with some very general questions....Beatles or the Stones?"

DOLPHIN: "B-eeeeeeee-tles"

IANO: Who is your favorite Rolling Stone?"

DOLPHIN: "Ronni-eeeeeeeeeee or K-eeeeeeeeee-th"

IANO: "Who is your favorite blogger?"

DOLPHIN: "Clink-eeeeeeeeeeeee"

IANO: "If you were President of the United States what city would you most like to bomb?"

DOLPHIN: "Par-eeeeeeeeeee!"

IANO: "What is your favorite candy?"

DOLPHIN: "R-eeeeeeeee-c-eeeeeeeee Cups"

IANO: "What baseball team sucks?"

DOLPHIN: "Yank-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-s"

IANO: "Favorite color?"

DOLPHIN: "Gr-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-n"

IANO: "Favorite Classic TV show?"

DOLPHIN: "The Cos-b-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Show"

IANO: "Who would you most like to hang out with?"

DOLPHIN: "Hoag-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

IANO: "Any thoughts on this weeks election?"

DOLPHIN: "I'm still in a state of shock that the Dems won both the House and the Senate."

I'll honor my vow.

I'm moving out of Alec Baldwin's house.

Massachusetts Voters No Longer Racist!

Bay State voters turn their hatred towards homely white women!

And I say it's about time!

Send these ugly bitches back to where they came from!

Election Day

Today is election day and in Massachusetts the hot button 'Question #1' is whether or not grocery stores can sell wine. Seems Senator Ted Kennedy voted yes on that question. He also voted wine for Attorney General, wine for State Auditor, and wine for State Treasurer. No flip-floppin' for Ted.

On the Massachusetts ballot a bunch of the 'contests' were unopposed races....needless to say I wrote in Hoagy for US Senator. That would be pretty cool to make Buddy Night an official state holiday.

And now for Hoag's adventures in voting. He went into the booth, did his business, and then pulled open the curtain only to proclaim to nobody in particular "We're out of toilet paper in here!"

And Ted Kennedy voted for wine once again. And scotch.

They Call Me MISTER Flipper!

Did you see the news over the weekend about the mutated dolphin that was found?

It seems that it had little remnants of legs and scientists believe this helps prove the whole evolution theory thing. Dolphins somehow went into the ocean and developed their swimming and smiling ability.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

What this tells me is that dolphins are just NOW getting legs and are ready to walk among us. They're smart. They'll take our jobs, steal our wives, run for office, and worst of all...move into our neighborhoods!

And you know what happens when the dolphins move into the neighborhood.

Crime goes up. Way up! Unwanted pregnancy? Up? Graffiti? Up. Drug use? Up. Property values? Down.

And of course they won't speak English. Pretty soon MY kids will start doing that EEEEEEE! EEEE! EEEE! dolphin talk and crap.

And smiling ALL. THE. TIME. I hate that.

And I'm pretty sure the dolphins will start wearing wicked baggy pants. And jewelry. And they come up with some horrible music that I can't stand.

And once the dolphins get welcomed into society how long before the sharks and eels and barracuda? Huh? Answer me that Mr. Scientist.

And you know in your heart that dolphins are lazy and will just start getting welfare and food stamps and stuff.

Keep the freakin' dolphins in the ocean where they belong!

Maybe Bush will build a big fence around our shorelines or something.

PS;
and don't forget to get out and vote: Republicans Tuesday, Democrats Wednesday.

Saddam Hussein Found Guilty

Sentenced to death.

Democrats Blame Bush!

Alec Baldwin

Now cooler than William Shatner.

There.

I said it.

(A wickless) Candle In The Wind

I own a small store that deals in some collectible celebrity stuff. The Beatles, Marilyn Monroe, etc.

The key with collectibles of this nature is that items when the celebrity was alive is usually worth more than the crap that gets made after they die. Or breakup like the Beatles. And collectibles of the star BEFORE they were famous is sometimes worth the most.

Do you understand all of that?

The second thing is I hate making fun of my customers (I love making fun of my customers).

Do you understand that? Good....cuz I'd like to relate a phone call I had yesterday.

::Phone rings::

ME: "Hello...Wicked Cool Collectible Store...How may I help you?"

THE GAL: "Hi...I was wondering if you buy Marilyn Monroe memorabilia"

ME: "We sure do...what do you have?"

THE GAL: "I have a calendar of her"

ME: "Do you know what year it's from?"

THE GAL: "Yes...its real old...it's from 1984."

ME: ::me thinking how NOT old that is when it comes to Marilyn Monroe stuff:: "Ummm...I'm not really looking for that right now. I'm looking for things of Marilyn from when she was alive...pre-1962 stuff"

THE GAL: "I'm pretty sure the pictures in the calendar were taken while she was alive"

ME: "Possibly. Maybe you could try ebay for that. Thank you."

Pig Heads, Pig Heads, Roly Poly Pig Heads.

So Lois sends me this link the other day about a truck crashing and spewing two tons (a million pounds) of pig heads all over the highway.

At first I thought 'gross'...and then as I thought about it some more I kinda wanted to see two tons (a million pounds) of pig heads all over the highway.

And then I started to think why the heck is a truck carrying two tons (a million pounds) of pig heads in the first place? A Halloween thing? Satanic Ritual Store?

And then today I'm driving into work this morning and an eighteen wheeler (large truck) passes me and I KNOW, I JUST KNOW that truck is carrying animal heads.

But what kind? Is it a truck full of two tons (a million pounds) of puppy heads? Chipmunk heads?

And then more and more trucks start whizzing by me and I realize the whole freakin' truckin industry is part of the whole animal head transport conspiracy!

Where are the heads going? Where are the bodies of all of these critters? Are they going to the same place? For the same purpose?

It's way creepy knowing that each and every truck on our highways are filled with puppy heads.

It's also creepy knowing that John Kerry came ::this close:: to being President.

I also wonder how much two tons of John Kerry heads would weigh.

Dancing Without Testicles

About two months or so ago I started watching with my wife something called Dancing With The Stars (B-level losers paired with professional dancers in a dancing contest) Within 24 hours of watching the first episode I was contacted by Man Club that if I was going to continue watching Dancing With The Stars I would have to have my testicles surgically removed. I knew Wifey enjoyed the show so I agreed to the operation. It's actually kinda simple and they do this new procedure where they detach them but they are easily put back on using some sort of microscopic zipper thingy.

So anyhow week after week I tune into Dancing With The Stars, unzip my testicles, put them in the freezer until the next day, and then continue watching Dancing With The Stars. And a funny thing happens. I start judging the 'Stars' on their dancing ability as if I know I Rhumba from from a Kimba from a Fox Trot to a Waltz. The dancing team will finish their routine and I'll say crap like "That was a 9.0!" or "Look at the arm movements on Joey Lawerence...fabulous!"

I find myself wanting to buy Sara Evans CDs and watcing Mario Lopez (M-Lo) in whatever it is he's in. I want silk shirts and a spray on tan! I want to dance and skip and embrace life!

But then the show is over for another week. I zip back on my testicles. I go back to watching LOST and CSI and war movies and football and westerns. I spit. Maybe swear some. Eat red meat.

And then before you can say "I'll trade you three Bicentennial Thimbles for two of your Vatican Thimbles".... Dancing With The Stars is on again and I'm all about the Sambo or Rambo or whatever they're called. I'm back to shouting "It's a 10.0" or "Look at his form and style"

All without my testicles of course.

They are in the freezer.