You might be invited to the party.

All you have to do is name four movies that starred Bill Paxton and four movies that starred Bill Pullman.

No google, no IMDB, no other reference other then that sharp mind of yours.

So...are you invited to the party?

King of the douchebag birds.

If you don't like swearing you might want to go look at another blog...this one is about to contain the words: motherfucker,prickbastard,son-of-bitch armless flying rats, and I think asshole.

4:27 am it starts. It always starts at 4:27am in the spring. The King of the Douchebag birds starts his daily instructions to the rest of the douchebag birds. And it's always the same. Make noise and crap on Steve's fence. Motherfuckers. Every one of these prickbastard, son of a bitch armless flying rats starts making noise and sitting on my fences and craps out this white fecal matter....what the heck are these asshole birds eating that makes their poop white? Abba zabas? Yogurt? It makes me sick. And they wake me up. Every morning. Starting at 4:27 by the King of the Douchebag birds. Is he actually giving them different instructions? I don't think so.

1. Wake up Steve

2. Crap on his fence.

And watch these douchebag birds someday...they can't even walk, they kinda hop. Jerks.

If for some reason you notice tomorrow there are no more birds there is a good chance I killed them all.

And don't get me started on CornDog Monday.

The Junk Food Pyramid

These are the basic junk foods your body needs on a weekly basis to survive.

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

1. McDonalds Hash Browns (No sane person on earth could dislike these....and they're good for you!)

2. McDonalds Hot Apple Pie (OH. MY. GOD. I love you McDonalds hot apple pie...marry me?)

3. The Jack in the Box taco. I miss you.

4. The McDonalds thick chocolate shake. (Pure thick goodness and great for heart attack victims)

5. McDonalds French Fries (No other fry even comes close to these potato elixir sticks)

6. The Milky Way candy bar. Eat one and tell me you don't like it. A smack upside the head will follow

7. Sweettarts.

8. Hostess Cup Cakes. They'll add at least 4 years to your life. I'm guessing.

9. Bacon....'nuff said.

10. Ice cold Coca Cola from a can...yup, a can. It's fashionable to say it tastes better from a bottle, but it doesn't.

And that my friends is the Junk Food Pyramid....feel free to campaign for your favs.

Walk For Hunger

I think today is National Walk For Hunger Day or something. Here's a clue...stop walking and maybe, just maybe you won't be so hungry. Losers.

And what about the folks around the world that are starving? I don't think starving is what they need to worry about. What they need to worry about is how stupid they are. Here's a clue...if you're starving go on down to the supermarket and buy some food. There aint a shortage of food....the aisles are just crammed with food. Anything you want....it's right there on the shelf.

If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, teach him to fish and he'll eat fish every stinkin' day of his life, teach a man where the supermarket is and he'll be able to eat whatever he wants when he wants. Mmmmm pancakes.....

Starving people=stupid people.

FREE COMIC BOOK DAY

Saturday May 6th is Free Comic Book Day, so get off your arse and get to a local shop and pick up some free comics.

There is no catch. They're free.

www.freecomicbookday.com

A scientific study.

Who would you rather be....and who would you rather not be. That is the question.

1. Indiana Jones

2. Batman

3. Captain Kirk

4. James Bond

5. Jake Blues

6. Han Solo

7. Peter Parker (pre death of Gwen)

8. Jeff Spicoli

9. Tarzan

10. Elvis

11. Your Dad

If it's Thursday it must be Belgium.

Tonight is Thursday night. Better known in these parts as Buddy Night. Even better known in these parts as GayWine Night.

So what goes on at said GWN?

1. Deep discussions on how to make the earth a better place to live.

2. "Hey! Is that a french fry on the floor?....DIBS!"

3. "Is that waitress old enough to be my mistress or your daughter?"

4. "We sure have great wives, huh Hoag?"

5. "You beleive all that crap about the Nazis?"

6. "Bet you a buck you can't chug that bottle of A1 sauce"

7. "I can fit three of those rolls in my mouth"

8. "I can do four"

9. "I can do four, plus rub my belly and pat my head at the same time"

10. "This steak is AWESOME!...it's a shame those starving kids in Biafra can sink their teeth into this....this would keep them going for weeks!"

11. " Bet you a buck you can't suck that piece of linguini up your nose"

And that my friends is Buddy Night. The mystery is gone.

Ever Watch American Idol?

Is Paula Abdul...
	a gorgeous crack addicted freak?
	a gorgeous, rambling, incoherent drunken fool?
	the new James Bond?
	my pal Hoagy?
Free polls from Pollhost.com

How To Get Booted From Hermaphrodite Club

1. Always use the ladies room.

2. Always use the men's room.

3. Always go to the bar on ladies night.

4. Join a men's only golf league.

5.Buy tampons, but just light them on fire and throw them off the roof.

6. Play for the Yankees and DON'T throw like a girl.

(beatin' this gag to death!)

How To Get Booted From Woman Club.

1. Have big hands.

2.Finish this song:
-Show me the way to go home-
-I'm tired and I wanna go to bed-
-I had a little drink about an hour ago...-

3. Take your right palm and cup it in your left underarm, start flapping arm in hopes to simulate farting noises.

4. Eat a Milky Way candy bar. Now let thick milkyway spit almost fall to the ground before sucking it triumphantly back into your mouth. (Instant boot out of Woman Club....bonus points in Man Club)

5. Eat a sandwich without cutting it in half.

6. Wear a wife beater t-shirt with mustard stains.

7. Read the balk rule and actually understand it.

8. Quote the Godfather parts I and II (you can enjoy the movies but once you quote them...OUT. OF. WOMAN. CLUB.

9. Carry me up to bed each night.

10. Know who Colonel Klink's boss is.

How To Get Booted Out Of Man Club.

1. Refer to pants as trousers.

2. Have a Barbie Collection (calling them action figures does not keep you in Man Club.)

3. Start a GHOST fan club AND bring a pottery wheel to the first meeting. OUT. OF. MAN. CLUB.

4. Go out with your buddy Hoagy every Thursday night and drink wine....oh wait, thats okay...right???

5. Know the difference between maxi pads, panty shields, andtampons. Tampons are the ones that look like firecrackers, right?

6. Be a vegetarian.

7. Drive or even think about driving a hybrid car.

8. Being excited that Rosie O'Donnell will now be on the VIEW...in fact watching the VIEW even once gets you booted from Man Club.

9. Shopping for dust ruffles for your bed.

and a bunch of other stuff....

I Don't. She Does.

Period Underwear...The New Ipod.

We're about to be filthy rich.

I overhear this gaggle of broads* and they're discussing their 'period underwear'....period underwear are the oldest, grossest, torn & frayed, most terrible underwear a broad* owns and she wears them when she has her 'period' (some girl thing...down there) because she doesn't want to ruin her Victoria's Secret stuff by what happens 'down there'.

So how do we become filthy rich you ask?

We create and market something called Period Underwear and sell them! They would be good looking sexy underwear that broads* would love to wear while having their period...'down there'. Each broad* would probably buy 6 new pair every year or so...90,000,000 Period Underwear wearing broads* in the US alone....start countin' the cash.

I also think instead of some cute catchy name hiding what they really are, market them as Period Underwear.

I get 51% and whoever does all the work can have 49%.

And people think I'm stupid.

*the term broad is being used so I won't get kicked out of the Man Club for discussing Periods....and underwear.

Some Of The Perks of Joining The Republican Party.

1. Free new matching set of luggage every four years.

2. Free air travel in the continental US.

3. Knowledge that even though Bush is fairly lame he's still 6.7 times better than John Kerry and 5.8 times better than Al Gore.

4. No taxes.

5. The Christmas Party...WOW!

6. The Hillary Has Cankles t-shirt and matching running shorts.

7. The REAL ending to the DaVinci Code.

8. Easter card from Nancy Reagan with funny Ronnie stories.

9. Matted print of Abe Lincoln (Yes, Abe was a Republican...ya forgot that didn't ya???)

10. the Git-Mo blooper reel.

I Can't Believe How Lucky I Am.

No haikus, no numbered lists, no Adolf, just a true story that happened this morning that shook me up. I usually don't like to write personal stuff because people might figure out who I really ::cough:NicolasCage:cough:: am. But what the heck.

I'm backing out of the driveway this morning after carefully looking to see if any cars are coming when all of a sudden I see two women and a baby stroller about 9 inches from car! I screech on the brakes. I literally come this close ::thumb & index finger an inch apart: to hitting them. The look of horror on their faces.

I roll down my window to see if they're okay. Some small talk and nervous laughter and I drive away.

Can you imagine if I had driven over them, maybe even killed their baby? Can you imagine the time spent talking to the police or maybe at the hospital? I might have been late for work.

And I've gone almost 23 years without ever being late for work. Thank god I didn't crush their baby under my wheels. I hate being late.

If Hitler Haiku was so much fun...imagine Beatles Haiku

Ol' Grandpappy used to say to me "Steven, quit calling me Grandpappy and do some more of those haiku, but this time do them like the Beatles wrote them."

I think I said Okey Dokey. I think I was then thrown out of the Man Club.

BEATLES HAIKU TAKE ONE:
Long for yesterday
Love was such an easy game
To play yesterday

BEATLES HAIKU TAKE TWO:
Came down upon head
Maxwell's silver hammer came
Bang bang she was dead

BEATLES HAIKU TAKE THREE:
Band begins to play
In the town where I was born
Yellow Submarine

BEATLES HAIKU TAKE FOUR:
Eleanor Rigby
Picked rice in church where wedding
Was lonely people

BEATLES HAIKU TAKE FIVE:
Do not make it bad
nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Hey Jude be afraid

Because YOU Demanded it! Hitler Haiku

My ol' Grandpappy used to say to me "Steven, quit calling me Grandpappy and do some Hitler Haiku"

HITLER HAIKU #1
Let us take Europe
We are it's true brave people
Start with dumb Poland

HITLER HAIKU #2
Hey, Heinrich Himmler
Let us start a master race
Start killing the jews

HITLER HAIKU #3
Eva Braun is pretty
Sure hope she digs me also
Marry then we die

HITLER HAIKU #4
Russia is too cold
Should have invaded early
War is now way lost

INSTRUCTIONS:
Now it is your turn
Try and use his lame mustache
He thought it was cool

August 11, 2001

::taptaptap::

So is okay to start goofing on 8/11 or is it still too early?

Don't force me to take out the Abe Lincoln or Titanic files...

::taptaptap::

Otter? Otter? I hardly know her.

TRUE STORY ( I lie 3% of the time):

So I'm taking my daily swim in the ocean when this adorable sea otter starts swimming along with me. She starts darting around me and under me and making all sorts of otter noises when all of a sudden she starts talking this weird broken english kinda like Yoda. She tells me to swim out to this bobbing buoy and like a mental case I don't question her.

So I'm pretty much out of breath by this time and I'm hanging on to the buoy just resting when she starts kissing me. Not just touching my face but full open mouth kinda human like tongue kissing. I'm freaked out for a a few seconds and then start kissing her back. She's amazing and probably the best kisser ever. This goes on for about twenty minutes or so and I'm wicked revved up. Then in her weird Yoda like voice she tells me to stop...she has something to tell me.

I brace myself. She tells me she's a man otter. Not only a man otter but she's (HE'S!!!!) gay!!! I'm totally freaking out! I'm clinging to a buoy in the middle of the ocean making out with a gay otter!!!

Finally I tell her (him):
"Listen, I don't makeout with no gay otters" and with that I swam off in search of a straight girl otter.

True story.

Pick the three funniest.

While I was doing my cure for cancer research I stumbled upon this site. Go to it and pick the four funniest ones.

(I know, I know, the title says pick the three funniest....you'll want to pick four. Trust me. Even Cousin Paul and he hates penis)

http://www.starma.com/penis/penis.html