Uno Doogie

Cryptic, huh?

Broad In Dude Body part II (or is it part 3?)

So this morning I'm getting ready to leave for work when I notice the cover to the gas grill has blown off and is fluttering around on the deck.

So I ask Wifey if she'll go out and get it for me.

Now why couldn't I go get it you ask?

Well... like I said I was on my way to work and my hair was still wet and I didn't want to go outside and get it all messed up before it was dry.

A broad.

Trapped in a dude's body.

More fun on the Massachusetts Turnpike

A while ago I'm driving home on the Pike when I look over to my left and there is this car with two pretty gals in it. Nothing strange so far.

But then I notice the gal in the passenger seat is smelling her own armpit and I burst out laughing. And at that exact moment she looks at me and knows she just got caught whiffin' her own pits.

I'm dying laughing and she's every shade of red.

So I drive ahead....and then a few moments later they pass me (everyone is laughing now) and then I pass them, and then they pass me, and on and on.

And then I realize I must at least try to one up them.

I drive up beside them, I slip off my shoe and hold it to my nose and mouth like a face mask and start a sniffin'. All like it was the most normal thing in the world.

It sure made the drive home faster.

PS:
The inside of my shoe smelled like Yankee stank. I'm guessing her armpit smelled like Posada. Or maybe Jeter.

Yankees Suck

Scientists have been studying this for years and years and all the data is in....the NY Yankees truly DO suck.

They play baseball fairly well but if you watch them closely they are always sucking in air.

Nobody knows why.

And then they expel said air a few seconds later.

Nobody knows why.

But they do in fact suck.

And they repeat this process all day and all night...EVEN WHEN THEY SLEEP!

Sometimes they use their noses for this 'sucking of air' for no particular reason.

Scientists have also revealed that the NY Yankees stink...oh, they can play baseball fairly well, but get up close to one of them (especially Posada) and there is this stank about them.

And it doesn't smell like victory.

My Own Private September 11th.

So Sunday morning I go into the store to clean out the downstairs.

I start sweeping the floor and this huge cloud of dust started forming and at that moment I knew exactly what the folks felt like at Ground Zero when the Towers fell.

And then I sorted some comic books and stuff.

I'll never forget.

I Aint No Beauty Queen

>LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Rachel Smith, a journalism graduate from Tennessee, was crowned Miss USA, edging out 50 other aspiring beauty queens in a contest to replace a titleholder whose reign was nearly marred by a scandal.

Smith, 21, graduated from Belmont University and interned last year for the production company behind "The Oprah Winfrey Show."<

Banned in Boston

So this great new Italian restaurant just opened about 200 yards from my house.

I was informed by Wifey that me and The Hoag aint welcome there on buddy nite. She said it's a neighborhood place not a 'buddy' place.

So last night was Buddy Nite and me and The Hoag totally respected her wishes.

Or did we?

Did we spy on her and her lesbian lover from afar? Did we watch as she flirted with the bartender? Did we notice that she peeked in the mens room?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

But Neighborhood Italian Restaurant will be a Buddy Nite hangout if and when I say it will.

Cuz I'm the man and I make the rules.

PS:

Please WifeyOhGoddessOfTheNeighborhood...can me and Hoag go next week...? Huh? Please?

Larry 'Bud' Melman

A moment of silence.

And a hot towel...

The Donald, The Rosie, The Lois, and The Me

So yesterday Lois comes in the shop (looking mighty fine I might add) and somehow we start discussing the Donald Trump/ Rosie O'Donnell feud.

Within seconds the line was drawn....Lois (who was looking mighty fine) took Rosie's side and I naturally took The Trumpers side.

Just the idea of taking Rosies side makes me ill. She is what Trunp says she is. She is revolting. Hideous. Loud. Obnoxious.

Rosie not Lois (Lois is mighty fine)

Though at one point I used to think Rosie was funny.

I've always kinda liked Trump. He's a straight shooter and tells it like it is with no worry of the PCness of it all.

And he used to fly us for free in his Trump Shuttle to his Atlantic City Hotels.

Rosie has never flown me anywhere.

So lets sum up:

1. Lois is wrong.

2. I am right.

3. Rosie and Trunp are on the nervy side.

4. Lois was looking mighty fine.

5. I forgot to mention that the word 'penis' came up later on in the conversation.

6. And we weren't discussing Rosie's penis (which I assume is HUGE)

7. Or mine.

I read this in a magazine.

And it cracked me up.

It seems Jesse Jackson aint gonna endorse Barack Obama because Barack Obama is a hard name to rhyme.

Fair enough.

I'm not endorsing John Edwards because he doesn't sleep with a pillow.

Wifey No More

So last night I called Wifey 'Wifey' and she didn't like it.

How do I know she didn't like it?

She said "I don't like when you call me Wifey"


How that can be I have no idea....so I'm just gonna have to come up with another nickname for her.

Here are some early thoughts:

1. Hefty O'Thighs

2, Tinty McNipples

3. Cranky Bodine

4. Bake MaBrownies

5. Leslie

6. Allie Gator Macpherson

7. Passie DaRemote

8. Grizzly Bo Peeps (thats what Hoag calls her)

9. Rolls Eyes: sighs: Whatever darlin'

10. Wiggles D. Booty

I'm pretty sure she'll be just fine with Wifey afterall....

And I thought color TV was a cool invention...

It's always something.

Just when you thought everything that could be invented has been invented someone comes up with something new.

Inside the 'best of New York' issue of New York magazine there hides a tiny little article about nipple tints.

Yup, nipple tints.

I aint making that up.

Tinted nipples.

It seems New Yorkers aint happy with the color of their nipples (they won't be happy with their baseball team either)

And now I'm becoming obsessed with the color of MY nipples. Are they green enough? Perky enough?

Are folks really so vain that they need nipple tints? Should that be in capital letters? Nipple Tints.

Are people in New York actually walking around with their nipples showing? Not just poking through a sweater or something, but outside the sweater so colors can be judged, mocked, or loved?

And how do you tint a nipple anyhow?

Do men also want their nipples tinted? Do they notice when their ladies tint the nipple? Do both nipples have to be the same color?

I might just spend the rest of my life wondering what women I know have tinted nipples.

Or maybe I'll just watch color TV.

As we speak

A certain 'friend' of mine is coming north. I don't know where he is. I don't know when he'll arrive.

But he's coming.

Soon.

I know this. I fear this. I hate this.

The unknowing.

He is coming. I hate him.

I want him to stay where he is and hang with someone else.

But he's coming and there aint a damn thing I can do about it.

Those of you reading this blog for a long time know who I'm talking about. You know what is about to happen. The horror. The horror.

He's coming. The bastard is coming.

In what guise will he appear this time?

Today's snow brings me no comfort. He's coming. He is a bastard and he is coming.

For me. And me only. This I know.

I can't stop him. I can't reason with him. I can only wait. With one eye open.

I hate him.

Yet he still comes for me.

The Sunset

So last night I'm driving home, going west, and I notice dozens of different hues of red, orange, pink all intertwined with wispy clouds against a darkening blue sky. I was in awe. I was seeing one of the finest sunsets of all time and got real excited!

Really, really excited.

I quickly called home and asked for my 17 year old daughter and told her to grab her camera and take some pictures of this truly jaw dropping work of nature.

She kinda giggled.

At that exact point in time I knew I was woman trapped in a mans body.

If The Rolling Stones rewrote The Beatles songs.

All You Need is Love, Bitch.

I Want to Hold Your Hand, Bitch.

I Am The Walrus, Bitch

The Bitch Came In Through The Bathroom Window

Mmmmmm.....gravy.

So yesterday I had this big pot roast dinner with gobs of mashed potatoes n' gravy. At some point I spilled the gravy on my white t-shirt.

I then had two choices.

1. Change my shirt and be a human.

OR

2. Leave the gravy splattered shirt on to remind myself what a great cook my wife is.

(Actually I had a third choice...but it involved ice picks, kittens ,and soylant green.)

Not only did I leave the gravy splattered shirt on, but I slept with it on.

So I could dream about what a great cook my wife is.

When you hang out with a guy named Hoagy

It's very bizarre.

You'll be having a deep discussion about Iraq or Bill Clinton or something and the Hoag will always somehow work in things like:

"Imagine if bears were in charge of the military?"

or

"Would it have been a scandal if Bill Clinton was not having sex with bears instead of Monica Lewinsky?"

Or sometimes I'll be mentioning maybe American Idol and Hoag will say "Imagine if they did Animal Idol and bears sang and stuff?"

Or if I'm in the market for a new car Hoag will say crap like 'Imagine if bears drove cars....I wonder what kind they would buy....would they get the extended warranties?"

Or at a funeral he'll say junk like "Imagine how big the casket would be if she was a Grizzly."

Why do I even hang with such an odd guy?

If he was a bear would I still hang out with him?

An odd line from a new show.

Last night I was watching a new show and this black chick on the show started to appoach these two white chicks.

The white chicks screamed and then said:

"Get away from us...we're afraid of black people....but not the Cosby kind."

(I love TV.)

The Segway

Now that the Segway has taken over in just about every facet of our lives I've heard that the whole Boston area is planning on building elevated roads just for the use of Segways. You heard me...elevated roads. For Segways.

They're driving me nuts! Just walking down the street for a cup of coffee and WHIZZ go 6 or 7 Segways almost forcing me off the sidewalk. Douchebags on Segways.

The mailmen WHZZZZZZ! "Ewwww, look at me delivering mail on my Segway....I'm cool!"

And all the police on their Segway patrols. WHZZZZZZZZ.

I saw a team of firemen rushing to a fire on their specially made Segways with giant ladders attached.

My kids complain about clogged hallways in school with everyone on their Segways.

I mean let's be honest...we all knew the Segway was gonna be HUGE and change our lives, but did we really have any idea that it would take over this big?

Wifey now uses hers to go grocery shopping (she's got the Mom model with the giant basket in back)

The Segway basketball leagues sprouting up everywhere! And how about those wheelchair Segway Leagues? Guys in wheelchairs on their specially made Segways? It's crazy I tell ya. Crazy.

Rumor has it that Manny Ramirez is in negotiations with Major League Baseball to use a Segway in left field.

Me and Hoag now drive our two station Segway for Buddy Nite (the Blonde sits in the basket in the back.)

At first I just thought it was a fad. But it aint. The Segway has changed our lives and it's here to stay.

And I'm not sure I like it.

Plump and Smooth

You think this is gonna be dirty, huh?

Well....it aint. It's about Avon's new product Plump and Smooth.

It's some kinda lip thing that makes a woman's (or Hoagy's) lips Plump and Smooth. Now in and of themselves, plump and smooth aint a bad thing when it comes to lips (though not Hoags)....but is Avon really so out of creative marketing people that they couldn't come up with a better name?

Plump and Smooth.

What if other companies came up with literal names for their products?

1. McDonalds: Flat and fried.

2. Warner Bros. Long and Tedious

3. I AINT NO OPRAH : Hitler and Hoag

4. Chrysler: Sucky Transmissions

5. Microsoft: Blue Screen


You get the idea.

Plump and Smooth.

PS:

Who even knew AVON was still in business? The Fuller Brush Man?

Damn Swiss

>>>>>ZURICH, Switzerland (March 3) - What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein. >>>>>>>

Isn't this what we did in Iraq?

Call me MISTER Hughes.

Last night while enjoying 'buddy nite' we started the first annual paper airplane contest. In the restaurant. Restaurants love their patrons to have fun with paper. They do. See Luke 3:14 or Corinthians such and such.

Should I mention how lame Hoagy's plane was? Or the Blondes. Should I mention mine was a sleek, dangerous flying machine? Cuz I will if you want.

Mine was a sleek, dangerous flying machine.

Should I mention our combined age is 139 years old? Should I mention we don't much care?

Should I mention that I was the clear, hands down winner of Paper Flying Projectile Day 2007?

Next Week:

Spitball Mania '07...be there or be square. Or something.

I almost had a car accident.

This morning.

And nobody cares.

Telling someone that you ALMOST had a car accident is worse than telling someone about a dream you had.

Almost had a car accident stories are the all time worst stories. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENS. You DIDN'T HAVE A CAR ACCIDENT!!! And neither did most people that day.

Don't tell me about it. Nothing happened. And I certainly don't want to hear a story with the punchline of nothing happening. So go crack up your car and tell me about it....I'll be all severed ears. But if you avoid said accident maybe you can go write it in your diary. Though even Dear Diary doesn't care.

(I once dreamed about almost having a car accident....I almost crashed into a vat of pudding after said vat sprouted wings. Or something. Thank god I swerved, huh?)