New Year Resolutions....for you.

1. Tighten up those thighs a bit.



2. A bit more.



3. Just a tad more...



4. Make up a new word to replace retard



5. Make up jive about Hillary Clinton



6. Help make the word jive popular again.



7. Use italics in the wrong way



8. Nothing for #8



9. Nickname your best pal Hoagy, cause confusion on the blogs.



10. Make up a Popeye/Bhutto joke.



11. Convince my Wifey to make those little swiss cheese/bacon thingies for me more often.



12. Get a potato. Get a masher.



13. Stab people that say: I Heart Huckabee



14. Stab people that love Huckabee



15. Make up a story involving Huckabee Finn



16. Read fewer blogs, work on thighs a bit more.



17. What did I just say?



18. You're only jiving yourself.



19. Make me cookies. Sugar cookies.



20. Write to Kentucky Fried Chicken....demand Popcorn Skin



21. Stab people that say "My resolution is not to make resoulutions."



22. Stab people that comment on people that say "My resolution is not to make resolutions."



23. Crap. ::holds bloodied belly:: Take me to doctor.



24. Watch New Years Rockin' Eve without commenting on how retar....I mean, how old Dick Clark sounds.



25. What if the Beatles sang about resolutions?



a) Resolution 9



Ahhhh fergit it....work on those thighs some more.

99 bottles of beer on the wall...

99 bottles of beer, ya take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall.

(It's called phoning it in.)

John Kerry: Leader

Yes, I voted for Bush. Against Gore was a no-brainer and so was voting Bush against Kerry.

Or so I thought.

Seems this week John Kerry showed the world what a leader he would have been. You see, this Saturday the New England Patriots are playing their final regular season game of the year and have a chance to go undefeated.

But the local channel 5 has an exclusive to show the game in this area thus preventing fans in parts of New England from seeing this historic game.

But our retar...I mean our esteemed Junior Senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry, threatened (THREATENED!) the National Football League with something if they didn't allow all the fans of New England the opportunity to watch this game. And now channels 4, 5 , and 7 will ALL be showing the same game (reducing channel 5's ad revenue BIGTIME)

And it clearly says in the Constituition that 'No man should have to miss a game if a retar..., I mean...if a Junior Senator can throw a hissy fit.'

So to sum up:

John Kerry is a big fat ugly crybaby loser that likes to throw his weight around on issues he has no business being a part of.

PS to John Kerry:
I hope your cable goes out on Saturday.

For Cousin Saul

He hates the Beatles game. So we're gonna do one just for him. Lots and lots of them. Just for him. In fact....this thread might just stay here until after Christmas.



WHAT IF THE BEATLES SANG ABOUT CHRISTMAS:



1. All My Given

2. Can't Buy Me Gloves

3. Rock 'em Sock 'em Raccoons

4. Fixing a Noel

5. Happiness is a Warm ThrushBuster Gun

6. I Am The Hungry Hungry Hippo

7. Hey Food

8. Twister and Shout

9. Yellow Corgi Submarine

10. The Long and Winding Road to Nana's House (why do we even have to go??)

11. I Wanna Hold Your Hands Down

12. All Things Must Pass Go, All Things Must Collect $200.00

13. Mean Mr. Colonel Mustard, in the Dining Room, with the Candle Stick.





Merry Christmas

My Shower With Cthulhu

So I'm standing in the shower this morning, steam filling the room, soap and shampoo everywhere, when all of a sudden Cthulhu GRABS my leg and wraps his slimey tentacles around me.

He's cold and creepy and trying to suck out my soul.

I hate him. I fear him.

He visits me most mornings and he gives me the creeps. I finish the shower and start my day knowing that the process of Cthulhu sucking my soul will continue for years and years.

Unless of course Wifey finally buys (and has installed) the frosted glass shower door I so much need and want.

Point of the story?

I don't like shower curtains.

FAKE DEATH HEADLINES

The other day Ike Turner died and our Lovely Cake posted a link to a NY newspaper that had the classic headline: IKE 'BEATS' TINA TO DEATH. Probably the best celebrity death headline ever.

Ever.

We're gonna try our own....though they won't be as good.


TYSON TKOD'ed (Mike Tyson dies off overdose)

DION AND THE (Loose) BELL-MOUNTS (Celine Dion dies when church bell falls and crushes her skull)

See how fun this is?

A-ROD A-DEAD A-HEART A-TTACK

Ya got any?

I dreamed about almost having an accident during the long commute home.

As you might know I have a 45 second rule when it comes to someone telling me about their dream. After 45 seconds I'm no longer listening.

I also have a 45 second rule about telling me about an accident you almost had. Almosts don't count. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

And after last night's HORRIBLE commute for everyone in the Boston area I've decided bad commute stories now only get the 45 seconds. Sorry, thems my rules.

So anyhow, here is what I did on my horrible commute home last night.

I drove real, real slow cuz traffic was moving real, real slow. And once I realized it was gonna be a slow, slow commute I opened up my windows and just started smiling and waving at folks for no real reason. And then I found a cigar in my car and lighted that baby up (if I was gonna wave and smile at folk, I was at least gonna look cool doing so)

And then Hoag started texting me, and family would call, and then I'd call someone, and then I'd wave and smile some more. And take some puffs off of Joey Cohiba (the cigar, not a guy)

The point of the story?

I can go more than 45 seconds when telling my commute, near accident, or dream stories. You can't.

And what normally takes me 37 minutes to drive took me over three hours (took my brother 5 and 1/2)

R.I.P. Ike Turner, you son of a bitch wife beaten prick.

You will be missed.

::punches Ike in face::

The Annual I AINT NO OPRAH Christmas Party

It's tonight!

The Annual I AINT NO OPRAH Christmas Party is tonight! The usual place and the usual people.

If you were invited last year consider yourself invited this year!*

It's gonna be a hootinanny!


* if you weren't invited last year, well, a freshly baked plate of cookies wouldn't hurt.

My theory on Einstein's relative Eddie

(I love the title...now I'm forced to make a stinkin' blog about it. Wish me luck)

Seems Eddie was a devout Catholic and was always helping out at the church. Especially on Sunday. Eddie was not one of the 'cool cats'.

And Eddie was forgetful and after the service he always seemed to forget to turn the lights and heat off.

So to sum up:

Eddie=waste+ energy at mass (what a square!)

Do You Dream In Chocolate?

That's been the tag line on a new commercial lately. And well, yes, I do dream in chocolate.

I'm not trying to be funny. I dream of chocolate fairly often. I have no idea what it means. Nor do I care. I'm dreamin' about chocolate.

So anyhow, the other night I'm at Boston Market getting some dinner (turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, fresh green beans, and corn bread) and I notice all of the employees are wearing shirts with the Boston Market logo on them. They look pretty nice. Professional.

So the worker gal at the counter turns around and on the back of her company shirt it says:

'I DREAM ABOUT SPINACH'

And I just looked at her.

What kinda retard would dream about spinach? Other than Popeye?

All the foods in the world and this broad is dreaming about spinach?? She might dream about spinach, but from the looks of her, she doesn't eat a lot of it. She looked like a chocolate eater. A lot of chocolate.

Point of the story?

I wish Boston Market sold chocolate.

Happy Pearl Harbor Day!

You Jap bastards!

Chupacabra Week. My turn

I've resisted this 'Chupacabra week' all week.

Why? Because I'm a leader not a follower, that's why. And I aint got nothing for Chupacabra Week.

But here goes anyhow...

INTERVIEW WITH THE CHUPACABRA:

ME: "So how's things?"

Chupacabra: ::silence::

ME: "What's you favorite Rolling Stones album?"

Chupacabra: "Goat's Head Soup."

ME: "What kinda car do you drive?"

Chupacabra: "1967 GTO."

ME: "Do you have a favorite fairy tale?"

Chupacabra: "Yes....The Three Billy Goats Gruff."

ME: "Favorite campfire song?"

Chupacabra: "Bill Grogan's Goat."

ME: "Do you have a favorite wine?"

Chupacabra: "Yup....Coates Du Rhone."

ME. "What do you like on your salads?"

Chupacabra: "Cukes, mushrooms, a little goats cheese."

ME: "Who is your favorite Super-Hero?"

Chupacabra: "The Goddamn Batman."

Yukon Cornelius

Is INSANE!

He's always yellin' and smellin' and lickin' stuff.

He's crazed!

When is a free taco not a free taco?

So the rumor is that the Boston Red Sox might trade Jacoby (I won America a free taco) Ellsbury to the Minnesota Twins for their awesome pitcher Johan (I never won anybody a taco) Santana.

Somehow this trade seems a bit one-sided.

Last year The Red Sox WON the World Series and America won free tacos all without Johan Santana.

And now we want to trade that away?

Why on earth as a fan should I be happy about this? Because Johan (No free tacos) Santana is awesome? If Johan (NFT) Santana is so awesome why don't I get free tacos?

Why?

Because maybe he's not so awesome.

If he was awesome he would include free tacos, correct? And free tacos are awesome, correct? And Jacoby (I'll win ya some more free tacos) Ellsbury is awesome.

SO TO SUM UP:

Do not trade my free tacos for not free tacos.