Frankly, My Dear, You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

As you probably already know, today is 'National Take Two Movie Quotes and make Them Into One Fake Movie Quote Day'

No rules...google or the internet is fine.

1."They call me MISTER Tibbs ya damn dirty ape!" (In the Heat of the Night/Planet of the Apes

2. "Yo, Adrian I'm King of the World!" (Rocky/Titanic)

See how fun this is?

3. "Stella! Hey Stella, I love the smell of napalm in the morning" (Streetcar Named Desie/Apocalypse Now)

So now it's your turn....(and to misquote Fredo:)
'Now get to work on yours the the way I want it! You can handle things! You're smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... You're smart and you want respect!'

The Hot Chick on the Fire Escape

I've told this story before, so if you've heard it go back to looking at internet porn or whatever it is you were doing.

A few years ago I'm out back taking some stuff out of my car when I look up at one of the adjoining buildings and see this SMOKING HOT chick standing on the fire escape.

Long hair, longer legs, shorter skirt, and smoking a cigarette doing that 'french inhale' thing where the smoke floats out of the mouth and then gets sucked up through the nose. Way hot. This girl was gorgeous.

Within about 15 seconds I know my wife is going to die of natural causes (broken brake line while descending Mt. Washington) and then I'll be able to spend the rest of my life with FireEscapeGal.

And then it happens:

This babe sorta lifts up one leg and lets out the biggest, loudest, longest fart EVER! She then turns and looks at me, turns beet red, and then quickly re-enters her building.

I've never seen her since.

That one single fart saved my wife's life.

There is no moral to this story.

Call me Captain Butler

So last night I watch Gone With The Wind on TCM and there is this great scene where Rhett Butler is walking down the street and everyone he sees greets him with a nice "Good Morning Captain Butler"

So this morning I tell my daughter thats how I now want to be greeted.

She says: "Okay Dad"...and proceeds NOT to call me Captain Butler.

DID SHE NOT EVEN HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID!!!!!????

She's probably not even my real daughter.

Me, The Hoag, and the Switchblade

All through the 1960's and 1970's The Hoag (My pal Hoagy's nickname) wanted a real switchblade knife. A big one. He could never get one as they weren't allowed in the state we grew up in. He wanted one bad.

He had every other stupid weapon a kid could want except the damn Switchblade. Slingshots, wristrockets,brass knuckles,knives,those ninja star things,blackjacks, etc....but no Switchblade.

The 1980's begin and we decide to take a bus to New York City. Me for fun. The Hoag for The Switchblade. We get a hotel in Times Square somewhere around maybe 57th street (The Sheraton City Squire),dump our 'luggage' and head on down to 42nd street.

Now in the early 80's 42nd St. was still one wicked bad place...the second you turn the corner the dealers and whores and every other lowlife would approach you trying to get your money. The first guy just says "mescaline". The second guy says "Whatcha looking for?"

And this is where the story really begins:
So Hoag says (in his cool street voice) "A blade....a big one" And the guy (from now on called the Dude) says "I'll get you one for $100.00...in advance". The Hoag doesn't hesitate for a second and whips out $100 and hands it to the Dude. The Dude tells us to follow him and starts taking us into every sleazy place on 42nd street...peep shows, porn stores, whore houses, dope houses, Popeye's Fried Chicken,...in through the front door, out through the back or side doors, up and down the street when finally the Dude says "wait here"...so we do.

About 5 minutes later the Dude comes out with a package and is kinda panting and says 'Quick...jam this down your pants..the cops!" The Hoag follows instructions and then out of the blue says to the Dude..."here's a little something more for going the extra mile" and slips the guy another $20. The Dude says "Thanks...now cheese it..the cops!"
Let me tell you something, me and The Hoag took off so goddamn fast...we just started running down 42nd street and then took a left and headed to our hotel...15 blocks non stop as fast as we could with cops chasing us...panting, laughing, shoving people out of the way,back and forth across the streets dodging traffic and finally into the revolving door of the City Squire...up the elevator...and finally to our room.

Hoag slams the door. Puts the chain on the door. Bolts the door. Grabs a chair and puts it in front of the door. Draws the curtains. I've never seen him so happy...so excited, so nervous. He pulls the wrapped switchblade out of the front of his pants and sits on the bed. I sit on the other. He's giddy. He starts unwrapping his holy grail...it's beautiful. It's black like he wanted. He holds it. Turns it over in his hand. Smiles. He pushes the button on the handle and the blade swings into action.


The blade is a comb. A $1.49 switchblade comb you can buy in any joke shop in America.


It just might have been the greatest moment of my life.

Did you give or get anything cool for Mother's Day?

1. Did your kids make you anything for Mother's Day?

2. Did you already throw it away cuz it blows?

3. What was the lamest thing you ever gave Mom?

4. Has your Mom ever said "Every day is Mother's Day"?

5. Have you ever punched her upside the head after she said it?

6. Thought about it?

7. Has she ever also said "Every day is kids day"?

8. Did you punch her in the kidneys afterwards?

9. Did you think about it?

Of course there is no mention of the butterfly on her ankle I did.

Glink, The Hoag, and BlackJack McGruder

This is mostly a story about a roly poly guy named Glink. It also involves The Hoag (Hoagy's nickname) and BlackJack McGruder (my nickname at the time because I always carried a deck of cards and was always looking for a game)

The story takes place around 1974 or so. We were in our early teens and hung around Glink's house. Glink was this wicked fat fun guy that loved to smoke pot with The Hoag, listen to Led Zep's Houses of the Holy and eat cookies (I would be watching Rocky and Bullwinkle and Fractured Fairy Tales downstairs while they smoked and rocked out.)

Now Glink's Mom would make these awesome batches of cookies two or three times a week, and of course me and The Hoag (and Glink) would eat them all up each afternoon after school. Glink's Mom would come home and be appalled that her son wolfed down all of these cookies every day and Glink would always say the same thing: "But Ma, it was the Hoag and BlackJack McGruder that ate all the cookies"

Glink's Mom just thought the Hoag and BlackJack McGruder were imaginary friends of Glinks that he pinned his excessive eating on. She hadn't met us at the time. She continued to bake him cookies all the while just shaking her head at chubby ol' Glink.

Years (and 100 pounds later) Glink's Mom finally met us and knew she had done her son wrong.

There is no moral to this story.

More rejected blog ideas.

1. There are 7 letters in Lincoln and 7 letters in Kennedy...conspiracy?

2. Stone falls from palm tree.

3. I have a terrible cold...let's discuss it!

4. Viagra Falls Nursing Home and Senior Center.

5. I have a third nipple and I named it Russell.

6. Those capri pants sure make you look nice!

7. Why I think Hillary Clinton is sexy.

8. Why I just threw up in my mouth.

9. Iron Butterfly's Greatest Hits!

10. Why Nicole Simpson deserved it.

Mein Lunch

Cousin Steve will not be available today so I'm taking over for him.

I'm also taking his lunch.

Questions about fashion, cologne, and animals can be addressed to: Uncle Hoagy

Thank you,
Uncle Hoagy

You might be invited to the party.

All you have to do is name four movies that starred Bill Paxton and four movies that starred Bill Pullman.

No google, no IMDB, no other reference other then that sharp mind of yours.

So...are you invited to the party?

King of the douchebag birds.

If you don't like swearing you might want to go look at another blog...this one is about to contain the words: motherfucker,prickbastard,son-of-bitch armless flying rats, and I think asshole.

4:27 am it starts. It always starts at 4:27am in the spring. The King of the Douchebag birds starts his daily instructions to the rest of the douchebag birds. And it's always the same. Make noise and crap on Steve's fence. Motherfuckers. Every one of these prickbastard, son of a bitch armless flying rats starts making noise and sitting on my fences and craps out this white fecal matter....what the heck are these asshole birds eating that makes their poop white? Abba zabas? Yogurt? It makes me sick. And they wake me up. Every morning. Starting at 4:27 by the King of the Douchebag birds. Is he actually giving them different instructions? I don't think so.

1. Wake up Steve

2. Crap on his fence.

And watch these douchebag birds someday...they can't even walk, they kinda hop. Jerks.

If for some reason you notice tomorrow there are no more birds there is a good chance I killed them all.

And don't get me started on CornDog Monday.

The Junk Food Pyramid

These are the basic junk foods your body needs on a weekly basis to survive.

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

1. McDonalds Hash Browns (No sane person on earth could dislike these....and they're good for you!)

2. McDonalds Hot Apple Pie (OH. MY. GOD. I love you McDonalds hot apple pie...marry me?)

3. The Jack in the Box taco. I miss you.

4. The McDonalds thick chocolate shake. (Pure thick goodness and great for heart attack victims)

5. McDonalds French Fries (No other fry even comes close to these potato elixir sticks)

6. The Milky Way candy bar. Eat one and tell me you don't like it. A smack upside the head will follow

7. Sweettarts.

8. Hostess Cup Cakes. They'll add at least 4 years to your life. I'm guessing.

9. Bacon....'nuff said.

10. Ice cold Coca Cola from a can...yup, a can. It's fashionable to say it tastes better from a bottle, but it doesn't.

And that my friends is the Junk Food Pyramid....feel free to campaign for your favs.

Walk For Hunger

I think today is National Walk For Hunger Day or something. Here's a clue...stop walking and maybe, just maybe you won't be so hungry. Losers.

And what about the folks around the world that are starving? I don't think starving is what they need to worry about. What they need to worry about is how stupid they are. Here's a clue...if you're starving go on down to the supermarket and buy some food. There aint a shortage of food....the aisles are just crammed with food. Anything you want....it's right there on the shelf.

If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, teach him to fish and he'll eat fish every stinkin' day of his life, teach a man where the supermarket is and he'll be able to eat whatever he wants when he wants. Mmmmm pancakes.....

Starving people=stupid people.

FREE COMIC BOOK DAY

Saturday May 6th is Free Comic Book Day, so get off your arse and get to a local shop and pick up some free comics.

There is no catch. They're free.

www.freecomicbookday.com

A scientific study.

Who would you rather be....and who would you rather not be. That is the question.

1. Indiana Jones

2. Batman

3. Captain Kirk

4. James Bond

5. Jake Blues

6. Han Solo

7. Peter Parker (pre death of Gwen)

8. Jeff Spicoli

9. Tarzan

10. Elvis

11. Your Dad

If it's Thursday it must be Belgium.

Tonight is Thursday night. Better known in these parts as Buddy Night. Even better known in these parts as GayWine Night.

So what goes on at said GWN?

1. Deep discussions on how to make the earth a better place to live.

2. "Hey! Is that a french fry on the floor?....DIBS!"

3. "Is that waitress old enough to be my mistress or your daughter?"

4. "We sure have great wives, huh Hoag?"

5. "You beleive all that crap about the Nazis?"

6. "Bet you a buck you can't chug that bottle of A1 sauce"

7. "I can fit three of those rolls in my mouth"

8. "I can do four"

9. "I can do four, plus rub my belly and pat my head at the same time"

10. "This steak is AWESOME!...it's a shame those starving kids in Biafra can sink their teeth into this....this would keep them going for weeks!"

11. " Bet you a buck you can't suck that piece of linguini up your nose"

And that my friends is Buddy Night. The mystery is gone.

Ever Watch American Idol?

Is Paula Abdul...
	a gorgeous crack addicted freak?
	a gorgeous, rambling, incoherent drunken fool?
	the new James Bond?
	my pal Hoagy?
Free polls from Pollhost.com

How To Get Booted From Hermaphrodite Club

1. Always use the ladies room.

2. Always use the men's room.

3. Always go to the bar on ladies night.

4. Join a men's only golf league.

5.Buy tampons, but just light them on fire and throw them off the roof.

6. Play for the Yankees and DON'T throw like a girl.

(beatin' this gag to death!)

How To Get Booted From Woman Club.

1. Have big hands.

2.Finish this song:
-Show me the way to go home-
-I'm tired and I wanna go to bed-
-I had a little drink about an hour ago...-

3. Take your right palm and cup it in your left underarm, start flapping arm in hopes to simulate farting noises.

4. Eat a Milky Way candy bar. Now let thick milkyway spit almost fall to the ground before sucking it triumphantly back into your mouth. (Instant boot out of Woman Club....bonus points in Man Club)

5. Eat a sandwich without cutting it in half.

6. Wear a wife beater t-shirt with mustard stains.

7. Read the balk rule and actually understand it.

8. Quote the Godfather parts I and II (you can enjoy the movies but once you quote them...OUT. OF. WOMAN. CLUB.

9. Carry me up to bed each night.

10. Know who Colonel Klink's boss is.

How To Get Booted Out Of Man Club.

1. Refer to pants as trousers.

2. Have a Barbie Collection (calling them action figures does not keep you in Man Club.)

3. Start a GHOST fan club AND bring a pottery wheel to the first meeting. OUT. OF. MAN. CLUB.

4. Go out with your buddy Hoagy every Thursday night and drink wine....oh wait, thats okay...right???

5. Know the difference between maxi pads, panty shields, andtampons. Tampons are the ones that look like firecrackers, right?

6. Be a vegetarian.

7. Drive or even think about driving a hybrid car.

8. Being excited that Rosie O'Donnell will now be on the VIEW...in fact watching the VIEW even once gets you booted from Man Club.

9. Shopping for dust ruffles for your bed.

and a bunch of other stuff....