My Time In The Pokey.

Very few people know this, but Hoag and I got sent to prison (me for buying a Plymouth...Hoag for shopping in WalMart) in the late 1990s. Republican Prison...and it was HORRIBLE!

One time the bidet was broken and it took over TWO hours to fix it!

And we had to wear orange jump suits while golfing. We're still shaken up.

Speaking of golf...how about the horror, the HORROR of no cup holders in the golf cart? You think you could survive that? HA!

The shrimp cocktails only came with four shrimp. It sucked. But we were learning our lesson.

They wouldn't let us use our preprogrammed phone numbers on our cell phones. We had to punch in each 7 digit phone number! Plus area code! With our fingers!

Wine was limited to Merlot and Pinot Grigio (no colder than 45 degrees!!). THE BASTARDS!

Hoag wasn't allowed cuff links or his trademark paisley ascot.

And did I mention the cruel and unusual punishment of just getting down TO the prison? First we had to fly down to Miami and then get on this HUGE white Prison Boat (I think it was called the Royal Republican. Or something.) which took us to this remote Prison Island...Grand Bahama Something or other. I'm still freakin' out.

Finally after two grueling weeks they released us.

I'll never, ever even say the words Plymouth again. And Hoag still doesn't know what made him enter that WalMart on that fateful day...