This is not a discussion about George Bush

Think what you want about him, missing WMDs, and his Iraq stuff, I don't much care. It ain't the point of today's blog.

What I do find kinda interesting, is that over the weekend in Iraq their soccer team won some big Asian championship or something and out into the streets poured hundreds of thousands of happy Iraqi's screaming and shooting guns...you know, just like when something pisses them off.

That's not the point either.

The point is that that Iraq is a free country.

Filled with bloodshed and carnage...maybe. But they're free. They can spill out into the streets and go bananas when their soccer team wins.

So think what you want about the loss of dozens of lives over there the last few years, but the right to go nuts when YOUR team wins is worth fighting for.

Really.

The madness HAS to stop.

It's amazing this has gone on for as long as it has. It's disgusting !

We should be up in arms protesting!

There should be billboards and commercials demanding it's end !

Are we savages? Are we blind to the horror? Can we just continue to turn away?

Michael Moore should be making staged documentaries about it !

Reverand Al should be bringing up the inherent racism behind it all !

Anderson Cooper should be putting a gay slant on it !

It's only a matter of time before my darling wife sides with the enemy and conforms to their evil ways !

It's time to ban those crappy Croc shoes now! They're ugly! They're stupid! They make you look fat! They're plastic!

And don't get me going on the broads that wear them with capri pants. I might explode.

Or something.

Still more things that weren't quite blog worthy

The following items didn't quite have enough ooomph for an entire blog devoted to them.

1. This morning I saw one of my favorite customers outside of an eye doctors place....I rolled down my window and yelled out at him: "Hey you big sissy...how are ya?" he turned around and I realized it wasn't one of my customers. I never saw him before. I'm guessing he was a sissy.

2. The mensa man that named Planet Earth, Planet Earth.. All of the other planets have cool names....Saturn! Mercury! Jupiter! etc....but this genius named the greatest of the planets after dirt. Planet Dirt. I'm guessing he was a sissy.

3. The waitress that ALMOST took a bribe from me and Hoag last night for some artwork on the wall of a restaurant. Had she sold us the art I would have had a story. And some cool art. But she was a sissy and didn't go thru with the deal.

4. About a year ago I did a blog about losers who BUY ringtones for their cell phones. Well, guess what? I bought a ringtone for my cell phone. I'm COOL! LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK AT ME WITH MY CLEVER RINGTONE! $2.99 and I'm cool. I'm probably really a sissy. With a cool ring tone. Call me.

5. I'm reading a book and in it it tells what the 'perfect' bowel movement should look like. The book aint the new Harry Potter. That's for sissies.

6. I came home last night and went upstairs and Wifey was sound asleep but with the Red Sox on the TV. I wonder which one of her lovers was their before I got home? Probably the sissy.

7. I think I tricked you all....I just did a blog about sissies. And I only mentioned Hoagy once.

what third was lamest the blog first ever

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Is even this a the retard easiest can puzzle figure to this solve out, or can what you?

"I'm sexy...not like they say!"

There is a fairly nice restaurant within walking distance of my house. So a few weeks ago I was there by myself while Wifey was away with the kids. On the way back I had to walk thru the parking lot out back to get home and I noticed how beautifully landscaped it was. Nicely groomed rolling hills. Trees. Nice lighting fixtures. Attractive fencing.

And a few private areas. (uh-oh)

So anyhow, when Wifey gets back home I mentioned how nice it is back there and that some night on our stroll back home (we stroll) we should find one of those nice areas and make sweet love out in the moonlight....you know, in the parking lot. She laughed and then the commercial was over and we went back to TV and we didn't bring it up again.

For a while.

So then this ex-neighbor that we haven't seen in five years came by to visit, and when she saw the back of the neighborhood resturant she said:

EX NEIGHBOR: "You should be careful....all the kids in the neighborhood are gonna be having sex out here."

Then Wifey told her of my grand scheme and they both laughed at me.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

When a commercial comes on the TV weigh the merits of the mentioned product and keep your childish sex fantasies to yourself. And don't go to that restaurant on Buddy Nite.

Oh, that Hoagy!

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,290397,00.html

If I Had Three Wishes

First I wish for for $750,000.

No wait, make it $1,000.000

Wait, forget that.

::GENIE VOICE::

"Your wishes have been granted."

Crap.

Hit me with an anvil and call me Gramps.

I'm officially old.

An old man trapped in a young mans body.

This morning I drove at least ten miles on the Mass Turnpike with my left directional on.

I hope I die on the way home and spare everyone me soiling my jeans.

Unless I soil them with McDonalds apple pie....in that case I hope I live.

Cuz I want pie.

If I Was In Charge Of The Boston Red Sox

1. First off, I'd saddle up all of these grandmas and ship their asses out of Boston.

2. Then I'd take that Coney Island Maniac, Julian Tavares, and put him in the bullpen. He would be replaced by Kason (when the Schill comes back)

3. Then I'd take Wily Mo Pena and stick a ballpeen hammer in his eye (actually I'd just trade his butt to Baltimore for Kevin Millar)

4. The hitting coach? The Red Sox have a hitting coach? I hadn't noticed.

5. JD Drew? First I'd get him some new summer dresses and see how that works. If that does no good maybe I'd just have him get his vagina cleaned or whatever the heck it is they do to mens vaginas.

6. Lugo? Kidney punch!

And those are my 6 surefire ways of jump starting this pathetic excuse for a baseball team.

It's make up a new catchphrase day today!

Not really.

But were gonna anyhow.

1. "It's like doin' the dishes!"

2. "I'll pops ya one!"

3. "The Alamo....that's all I'm sayin'"

4. "Ta-ta, Black Sheep."

5. "Coney Island Maniac!"

6. "Pig in a Blanket"

7. "He went all Captain Kirk"

8." Verizon be lie-zin !"

(That's all I've got)

Possibly another phone rant.

So the other day I'm on Verizon's website looking at phones and they have this wonerful site.

Easy to browse. Clear cut instructions. Good overview of all phones and service plans. And on and on.

But then they have this feature where you click on the phone you want and it gives the dimensions of said phone and even has a little 3-d like thing where the phone spins around 360 degrees so you can see all the sides of it. Good so far, correct?

Then it has a little thing you click on where you can compare it's size to items you KNOW what the size is.

For example:
They show the phone next to a standard deck of playing cards. Bingo! You know just what that phones size will be in relation to a deck of cards. Good feature to have on a website, correct?

Then they show the same phone next to a pad of Post-It Notes....so you know what you phones size will be next to a pad of Post-It Notes.

WRONG!!!!

There are dozens and dozens of sizes of pads of Post It Notes. It helps not one iota.

But of course a genius like me just looks at the dimensions of said phone and understands exactly what size of Post-It Notes he needs to buy.

It's my phone number. It's what you asked for.

I'm filling out this online order the other day and 'they' asked for my phone number.

So I typed in my phone number. 1-111-111-1111. 1 followed by area code followed by 7 digit number. 11 numbers total. You know....a phone number.

So after I get done filling out this long and tedious order,the online form pops back up telling me my phone number is incorrect.

Well, guess what? They are incorrect. I typed in the correct number the first time, but I typed it in this time leaving out the first 1. For no real reason.

Bingo!

So now my correct phone number is 111 (area code) 111-1111 (the the 7 digit 'regular number')

Now if you dial that 111-111-1111 the operator comes on and says you need to dial a one before the number.

YOU MEAN MY FUCKING 11 NOT 10 DIGIT PHONE NUMBER YOU FUCKING AUTOMATED ONLINE DOUCEBAG ORDERFORM!!!???

Spell it out for us retards okay? Cuz when someone asks for my phone number I should read their brainac like mind and leave out one digit. Because when someone asks for your phone number what they REALLY want is a partial phone number.

I hate you Verizon! And your bitch cousins, Cingular and AT &T.

(Though I feel kinda sorry for Sprint and Nextel)

And next time those dicks ask where I live I'm just gonna type in America. Cuz that's probably what they meant, correct?

Imagine if the Beatles were baseball fans...

Back in the 1960s there was a popular rock and roll band in England called the Beatles.

Imagine if they were Americans and sang about baseball...THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN HUGE IN AMERICA!

Here are a few of their possible songs:

1. All My Glovin'

2. Back in The ALCS

3. Eleanor Remdawg

4. Let it Be Foul

5. Say Hey Jude!

6. Leave My Mitt Alone

7. Denny Laine

8. Eight Games a Week

9. The Ballad of John and Coco

10. The Long and Winding Dusty Rhodes

11. Why Don't We Do It On A Roadtrip

12. I Wanna Be Your Manny

An open letter to serial killers.

Dear Serial Killers,

What the hell is going on with you guys? You've been slacking BIG TIME in the creative department lately.

Which one of you losers is gonna step up to the plate and be the next Son of Sam, the next Ted Bundy, the next Zodiac?

Bunch of sissies.

Come on, start hacking some folk up and leave clues! Taunt the police! Have a theme! Get a catchy nickname! Travel the country leaving a trail of carnage in your wake!

You can do it!

Time for another acronym game.

Because Bacon Ace demanded it!

He did. Really.

You know the rules...make a sentence using these letters as the first letter of your words.

Today's special bonus subject will be PREGNANT. Use that word and get lots and lots of bonus points.

Here are your random (except for the letter P) letters:

r-n-p-g-t-w

A simple story. A simple solution.

Years ago this gal lived next door to me and we were the best of friends. Always laughing and having fun.

Maybe even a slight crush.

She moved away.

And then one day maybe ten years later I saw her in a restaurant. A bit of small talk.

Here is how it went:

ME: "So how have you been?"

BECKYJEAN: "Great!"

ME: ::gesturing towards her stomach:: "So when's the baby due?"

BECKYJEAN: "I'm not pregnant."

ME: "Oh."

...and I haven't seen her since.

Moral of the story:

If you look like you're pregnant but aint, wear a sign around your neck that says : I AINT PREGNANT.

NAACP buries the wrong word !!

So the other day the NAACP (National Association of African-American People) had a mock funeral and 'buried' the N-word. Really.

(I'm sure Whitey McPale dug it up three seconds later)

But anyhow...

The real word that should have been buried is:

MASKS.

The plural of mask.

Say it out loud....masks. Make sure you say the plural. Masks.

Notice at the end of the word you have that little skip that doesn't sound correct...the ska-ska sound?

I said say it out loud. Dumbest word ever. Ska-ska. It should flow like other plural words but it don't. Masks. Drives me nuts. Mask ska ska.

Where the heck is the NAACP (National Association of American Afirican-American Associated Society Of Non-White Colored Black Negroes) when you really need them.

Masks ska-ska.

Pancakes save marriage!

Why I've never divorced my wife:

Came home last night to two large stacks of buttermilk pancakes.

And butter. (the butter wasn't in two large stacks)

And milk (the milk wasn't in stacks either)

And for all you women trying to salvage your marriage, you can't just make pancakes everyday and expect him to stick around.

The key to marriage saving pancakes is that they only show up every six weeks or so.

Or maybe every five weeks.

The umbrella story.

So today I'm coming into work and it's raining fairly heavy when I notice this woman pushing a stroller with a child in it.

Now this woman was pretty smart because she had this clear like covering over the stroller protecting her child from the rain.

She was also holding an umbrella to protect herself from the rain. Cuz she's smart, correct?

So where is the story? Is there a point to today's blog? A smart women with a stroller and an umbrella does not make for good blog fodder.

Most of the time it doesn't.

But today it does.

You see, this woman had a tiny umbrella and a huge ass. Her sweatpanted covered buttocks were soaking wet because the tiny umbrella couldn't cover that giant fanny. She deemed it more important to cover her bad hairstyle than her bad ass.

And it made me laugh.

Why?

Because it's funny to see a dry woman with a drenched behind. Always has been. Always will be.

RCN, ice cream, and me

Everybody has stress.

In the last few months I've had a lot. Moving my business is WAY stressful and I thought it was finally done.

But then the building next door was getting a new tenant and the construction began.

Sawing and hammering. Smells of paint and polyurethene. Glass guys. Trash guys. Radios blaring. Phone guys, floor sanders, lighting guys. The air conditioning guys on the roof. Pounding. Hammering. Sawing. Jackhammers outside for water mains. Non english speaking yammering. Yelling. Breaking. Dumpsters filling.

Dry wall guys, painters. On andf on.

Every day for the past two months the noise level next door got unbearable. Electric and gas company guys in MY basement. Pounding and talking and yammering away. NOISE NOISE NOISE. Driving me nuts.

And finally the work was finished. My life was just about back to normal. It was peaceful again. Quiet.

And then on Tuesday it happened.

The RCN van pulled up with the words FREE ICE CREAM emblazoned on the side of the truck. And the truck started playing the 'It's a small world" jingle over and over and over again. for hours the fucking van sat in front of my store blaring out "It's a small world after-all, It's a small world after.....all"

They gave out free ice cream in front of my store for hours and hours with that godforsaken song wafting out of it's crap sound system.

Though it had nothing whatsoever to do with the guys moving in next door I blame them.

It's a small NOISY world afterall.

And I didn't even get a free ice cream.

Joey Chestnut

We salute you my friend! Thank you for making America proud once again.

::raises glass in Joey Chestnut's direction::

How fitting it happened on July 4th.

Never forget

With this being the 10th anniversary of 9/11 I think we should all, just for a moment, remember that tragic day when they blew up the Independence Towers.

Now go back to your cookouts and swimming and stuff!

(thank god the terrorists blew those fuckers up or we'd all be working today!)

Greatest rock and roll song ever.

Radar Love by Golden Earring.

I'm right. You're wrong.

Live Free or Die Hard

I saw that movie over the weekend and wondered what future sequels might be called.

1. Die Die Die, Hard Hard Hard

2. Die? Hardly.

3. The Die is Cast My Hard Friend.

4. Hard to Die.

5. Dying to be Hard

6. Hardly Dying

7. Di? She died hard.

8. Die, Laurel and Hardy

9. Hard and Dead

10. Live and Let Die Hard

11. Live Dead or Die Free

12. To Live and Die Hard in L.A.

13. Goobers