1. First off, I'd saddle up all of these grandmas and ship their asses out of Boston.
2. Then I'd take that Coney Island Maniac, Julian Tavares, and put him in the bullpen. He would be replaced by Kason (when the Schill comes back)
3. Then I'd take Wily Mo Pena and stick a ballpeen hammer in his eye (actually I'd just trade his butt to Baltimore for Kevin Millar)
4. The hitting coach? The Red Sox have a hitting coach? I hadn't noticed.
5. JD Drew? First I'd get him some new summer dresses and see how that works. If that does no good maybe I'd just have him get his vagina cleaned or whatever the heck it is they do to mens vaginas.
6. Lugo? Kidney punch!
And those are my 6 surefire ways of jump starting this pathetic excuse for a baseball team.
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24 comments:
Hmmm...Lugo seems to be turning it around. But now that he's hitting, they are losing, so do you not want him to hit and that's why you'd kidney punch him? and wouldn't a cock-punch be more effective?
4a) Cagney voice: You'd bop the hittin' coach on the noggin, see? He don't work with the pitchers no more, see? Why, he's just for hittin', see?
Moina
Mellow, baby, mellow.
Here, have a toke on this. Seriously. It'll calm those hostile impulses.
Breathe in, and repeat after me: "Nam Pesky Yastrzemski Fenway... Nam Pesky Yastrzemski Fenway..." Now toke again.
Oh, you like that? Kinda great, isn't it? Bet you never saw a peace pipe with pinstripes before...
-- Lamont "Seven Games Back: Feel the Heat Yet, Bucko?" Cranston
4a) Cagney: "'cause the hittin' coach was workin' with the other team's pitchers, see? He was singin' like a canary, see? So we're relearnin' him about hittin', see? Say, what's that peacepipe you got there, brothah? Ahhhhhhh. Where's the chili parlor, boys, I'm starvin'!" Moina
You have some five-star rants in ya, No Oprah! It's a gift!
Upon reflection, is ranting your super power? Different from Mr. Furious of Flamin' Carrot, but fighting in the same super-irate heavyweight division? Moina
Someone pee in your Crispy Hexagons this morning, Mr. Crankypants?
"Cranky? Cranky?"
Is there an echo in here?
i thought you liked me
Where's my police escort back to Fenway?
"Change our name to Boston! Change our name to Boston!"
Whoa. "Vagina = what's even the point of trying" is a heckuva depressing slogan. Wouldn't fit on a license plate, either. The Virginia Slims or Virginia state mottos--retrofitted with vaginas (vaginacized?) = mo' better.
Moina "Please Give Him Pancakes Now" Loy
I must refrain from commenting. The depression/rage is to great.
NoOprah has a point. Amelia Earhart. Quitter. Dian Fossey. Quitter. Marie Curie. Quitter. Florence Griffith Joyner. Quitter. Lou Gehrig. Baseball's Greatest Quitter. Vaginas one and all.
Margaret Thatcher. Not a quitter, but little evidence that she had a vagina.
-- Lamont "XY" Cranston
Didja know that only quitters appear on the front of the Crispy Hexagon box? Crispy Hex: It's the anti-Wheaties.
Moina
please don't bury the 'v' word! i'll try harder!
This post made me cry.
So sad. So angry. Look at Cake's nice new haircut.
There. Now doesn't that make you feel better?
And that's why having a new haircut is the...what? We're done with that?
Oh.
Damn.
"...what? We're done with that?"
Like hell we are! That's why persistence is the best super power.
And this is yet another reason why bacon is the best super power:
http://www.baconsalt.com/
I guess their new summer dresses worked last night, huh? Nice work, Iano!
I'll take full credit for last nights win.
I think it was the kidney punch to Lugo that did it.
Taking credit for this afternoon's win, too, then?
Yes.
Bitching about the Red Sox is the best super-power.
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