Saturday, July 14, 2007

An open letter to serial killers.

Dear Serial Killers,

What the hell is going on with you guys? You've been slacking BIG TIME in the creative department lately.

Which one of you losers is gonna step up to the plate and be the next Son of Sam, the next Ted Bundy, the next Zodiac?

Bunch of sissies.

Come on, start hacking some folk up and leave clues! Taunt the police! Have a theme! Get a catchy nickname! Travel the country leaving a trail of carnage in your wake!

You can do it!

44 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'll cut you up into triangles little Mr. Blogger Boy. TRIANGLES!

And bury you in a shallow triangular grave.

Anonymous said...

Okay.

*hides in the backseat of IANO's car, sharpens knife, and composes murder clue in the form of a limerick*

"There once was a man from Nantucket...."

No, wait...

I Ain't No Oprah said...

who hacked up this douche with a hatchet...

Anonymous said...

But the hatchet was rusty
And the murder so klutzy
The killer finally said "fuckit!"

I think I need more caffeine if I'm gonna play this game.

Anonymous said...

Are ya using my name in vain?

Anonymous said...

"You want to see a cereal killer? I'll show you a real cereal killer....RRRRRRROOOOOARRRRRR!!!!!"

::eats victim::

"She's GRRRREEEEAAAAAT!"

Anonymous said...

"I'm the only REAL cereal killer, Captain."

::CRUNCH::

Anonymous said...

OH OH Are we headed for Crispy Hexagon heaven?

Anonymous said...

"You're about to die my fruity little friend..."

::crushes skull with two cans::

::Ties a loop around her waist and tosses her into giant milk lake....::

Anonymous said...

::drains hooker of blood, leaves in alley::

Anonymous said...

:snaps hookers neck, leaves in woods::

Anonymous said...

::lights fire, tosses hooker into fire, body burns and crackles::

Anonymous said...

::pours soda all over hooker. It does no real harm. Picks up gun::

"POP!"

::head explodes::

Anonymous said...

::sees hooker::

"BOO!"

::hooker dies of fear::

Anonymous said...

::travels the country killing gay hookers in a Quisp like fashion::

"I'm straight, not like they say...!"

::suffering alone in the closet Quisp continues to go on coast to coast gay killing spree::

Anonymous said...

::shakes baby to death::

::looks around for Quisp::

Anonymous said...

1. "While my guitar gently smacks you over the head until you bleed out and then I bury you in the backyard."

2. "I want to hold your severed hand."

3. "HELP! Ha! There aint no help, Bitch!"

4. "Hey Nude (and dismembered)"

5. "All you need is gloves (and some lime and a tarp and a shovel and...)"

6. "Lucy right in the Eye with a Diamond sharp hunting knife."

7. Eleanor Rigormortis

Cake said...

Now we're encouraging serial killers?! Damn, we really are a blog full of troublemakers...

Anonymous said...

I think I'll murder based on when folks were born and stuff...I'll call myself the Astrological Slayer!

Anonymous said...

It's been done.

Anonymous said...

::kills cop::

Anonymous said...

Can I be classified as a serial killer?

Anonymous said...

I have a few people I'd like to introduce to a serial killer. Is there a number I can call?

Anonymous said...

If people die of boredom when you speak, are you a serial killer?

Anonymous said...

Oh, Mr. Kerry, good question!

Anonymous said...

I'm a serial killer, I'm a serial killer!

Anonymous said...

I wanna get together with Toucan Sam, Count Chocula, and Tony the Tiger, and form a gang of cereal killers...we'll call ourselves the Breakfast Gang and be the scourge of the US! (and maybe even Canada)

Anonymous said...

Can I join?

Anonymous said...

No.

Anonymous said...

::kills Flakey, takes over gang::

Anonymous said...

Dear Breakfast Gang,

We were there first. Bugger off!

Anonymous said...

1. Sympathy for the Bad Serial Killer Who Gets Caught by the Cops

2. Paint it Bloody

3. Beast of Burden of Proof

4. Murdery Hotel

5. Murd(erer) on the Run

6. Streets of Loving Killing People

Anonymous said...

You Can't Always Gut Who You Want

Anonymous said...

Come on, step right up, everyone's a winner...

Anonymous said...

Waitasec, crazy carny killer...are you a plain old killer? Or do you only kill crazy carnies??

Anonymous said...

::suffocates grammar nitpicker and tosses him into the cotton candy spinning machine::

Anonymous said...

The worst serial killers out there are the people who own pest control companies!!!

*sobs*

Anonymous said...

Has anyone seen my Mom? I thought I left her right over there.

Anonymous said...

I ate her...with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.

Anonymous said...

Another one for the bacon addict(s).

Anonymous said...

*gasp* Murderers!

bacon ace said...

So I just tried to order that bacon chocolate dealy. $21 for shipping on a small $7 product? Screw that noise.

Anonymous said...

Oh Mr. Ace...so there's a limit to how far you'll go for bacon, is there? I'm so disillusioned...

bacon ace said...

It's "bacon ACE", not "bacon blind allegience".