Dear Serial Killers,
What the hell is going on with you guys? You've been slacking BIG TIME in the creative department lately.
Which one of you losers is gonna step up to the plate and be the next Son of Sam, the next Ted Bundy, the next Zodiac?
Bunch of sissies.
Come on, start hacking some folk up and leave clues! Taunt the police! Have a theme! Get a catchy nickname! Travel the country leaving a trail of carnage in your wake!
You can do it!
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I'll cut you up into triangles little Mr. Blogger Boy. TRIANGLES!
And bury you in a shallow triangular grave.
Okay.
*hides in the backseat of IANO's car, sharpens knife, and composes murder clue in the form of a limerick*
"There once was a man from Nantucket...."
No, wait...
who hacked up this douche with a hatchet...
But the hatchet was rusty
And the murder so klutzy
The killer finally said "fuckit!"
I think I need more caffeine if I'm gonna play this game.
Are ya using my name in vain?
"You want to see a cereal killer? I'll show you a real cereal killer....RRRRRRROOOOOARRRRRR!!!!!"
::eats victim::
"She's GRRRREEEEAAAAAT!"
"I'm the only REAL cereal killer, Captain."
::CRUNCH::
OH OH Are we headed for Crispy Hexagon heaven?
"You're about to die my fruity little friend..."
::crushes skull with two cans::
::Ties a loop around her waist and tosses her into giant milk lake....::
::drains hooker of blood, leaves in alley::
:snaps hookers neck, leaves in woods::
::lights fire, tosses hooker into fire, body burns and crackles::
::pours soda all over hooker. It does no real harm. Picks up gun::
"POP!"
::head explodes::
::sees hooker::
"BOO!"
::hooker dies of fear::
::travels the country killing gay hookers in a Quisp like fashion::
"I'm straight, not like they say...!"
::suffering alone in the closet Quisp continues to go on coast to coast gay killing spree::
::shakes baby to death::
::looks around for Quisp::
1. "While my guitar gently smacks you over the head until you bleed out and then I bury you in the backyard."
2. "I want to hold your severed hand."
3. "HELP! Ha! There aint no help, Bitch!"
4. "Hey Nude (and dismembered)"
5. "All you need is gloves (and some lime and a tarp and a shovel and...)"
6. "Lucy right in the Eye with a Diamond sharp hunting knife."
7. Eleanor Rigormortis
Now we're encouraging serial killers?! Damn, we really are a blog full of troublemakers...
I think I'll murder based on when folks were born and stuff...I'll call myself the Astrological Slayer!
It's been done.
::kills cop::
Can I be classified as a serial killer?
I have a few people I'd like to introduce to a serial killer. Is there a number I can call?
If people die of boredom when you speak, are you a serial killer?
Oh, Mr. Kerry, good question!
I'm a serial killer, I'm a serial killer!
I wanna get together with Toucan Sam, Count Chocula, and Tony the Tiger, and form a gang of cereal killers...we'll call ourselves the Breakfast Gang and be the scourge of the US! (and maybe even Canada)
Can I join?
No.
::kills Flakey, takes over gang::
Dear Breakfast Gang,
We were there first. Bugger off!
1. Sympathy for the Bad Serial Killer Who Gets Caught by the Cops
2. Paint it Bloody
3. Beast of Burden of Proof
4. Murdery Hotel
5. Murd(erer) on the Run
6. Streets of Loving Killing People
You Can't Always Gut Who You Want
Come on, step right up, everyone's a winner...
Waitasec, crazy carny killer...are you a plain old killer? Or do you only kill crazy carnies??
::suffocates grammar nitpicker and tosses him into the cotton candy spinning machine::
The worst serial killers out there are the people who own pest control companies!!!
*sobs*
Has anyone seen my Mom? I thought I left her right over there.
I ate her...with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.
Another one for the bacon addict(s).
*gasp* Murderers!
So I just tried to order that bacon chocolate dealy. $21 for shipping on a small $7 product? Screw that noise.
Oh Mr. Ace...so there's a limit to how far you'll go for bacon, is there? I'm so disillusioned...
It's "bacon ACE", not "bacon blind allegience".
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